Lies, truth, forgiveness and closure
A few days ago, I wrote a powerful message of forgiveness to my mother, wanting to make peace with my past for the final time. Since I was disowned, I honestly wasn't expecting any replies in return and I was starting to feel depressed from it. Jeremy told me that I did my part and the rest was on her. He was right as always.
Days pass by as normal and I almost forgot that I made the post in her facebook messenger. Then all of the sudden, mom replies back to me this morning. She finally explained everything that went on with her marriage and I came to realize that it was my dad and his gayness that made her leave. She wanted to take me with her, but she couldn't provide for me like dad can and she was struggling with a lot of problems. So I stayed with dad while she tried to start over again elsewhere. Then mom said that I never had fetal alcohol syndrome and dad had been lying to me the whole time, leading me to believe that I was fucked up and wasn't capable of living a life for myself. Mom was pissed when she found out about that. She said that the truth is, she wasn't drinking during her pregnancy with me and she placed my health above her needs. However, she was smoking during her pregnancy with me and she apologized for that. She also apologized for missing out on so much in my life and being disconnected from her side of the family.
I was in complete shock and floored by what she said to me. Here is someone who I thought was manipulative and selfish, expecting me to do all the communication for her when she left no contact information for me when she left. She also wanted me to take care of her as well when she couldn't take care of me. Now she is asking me for forgiveness so we can both make peace with our past. This time, there are no strings attached. Why the sudden change of heart? Maybe mom changed because she has heart problems along with stage 3 kidney failure so she probably doesn't have much time left to do this. Then she proceeded to tell me what happened with her marriage to my dad, how it fell apart, and how she didn't want to leave me with my dad but had no choice. She was in no position to take care of me and she didn't have a job to provide for me. Dad gained custody of me because he was the better provider and cook. It caused her a lot of pain to even be near him. She had a hard time accepting the fact he was gay and that he never really loved her in return. My heart broke for her. How could I be so cruel to her when I never understood how she felt about any of this until now? I believe her because I too suffered abuse from my dad. I hated growing up in isolated conditions out in the country. I hated how he kept me from my friends and social activities at school. I hated how he forced me to go on social security and other government benefits to survive when I really wanted to work like everybody else. I hated how he forced me to live in places I didn't want to. Or that he didn't want me to get married and have a family of my own. He wanted me to either get my tubes tied or if I got pregnant, i will have to either give the kid up for adoption or have an abortion because he feels that I cannot live a normal life for myself. I resented him for that but now I can relate to my mom more than ever. I know how she feels, which is all the more reason to forgive her.
The conversation continued until it was time for me to leave. I was going swimming with Jeremy, Jim, and Jordan today. I may be enjoying the newfound freedom from demonic bondages related to my mother, but my real problem is dad, which is very clear to me now. One day I will face him and take total control of my life but right now I can't because I am alone without defense. If I faced him alone, I will be dealing with a lot of fighting, manipulation, guilt trips, lies, and possibly physical abuse if dad was angry enough with me. Then David will join in. I know he is a narcissist and he will manipulate me and make things so much worse. If I had someone with me to help me knock some sense into him then I might have a higher chance of winning this fight for independence.
But until then, I will pray, heal, and work on myself.