When God makes you wait..
How come everyone is in a relationship but me? I would often cry out in frustration. I remember praying for relationships, love, and affection nearly every day and that prayer was never answered. I never understood why that prayer was never answered, especially when I had been abused, neglected, and abandoned by others. Did I do something wrong in the past and God is punishing me for it? Doubt it, especially when I had repented for my mistakes time and time again, especially the sin of Forcination, which means having sex before marriage. It is morally wrong for me to do that with Jeremy and I regret it to this day. But If you confess your sins and turn away from it, the Lord will forgive you and you will not be held accountable for it on judgement day.
Then tonight I heard the Lord whisper softly to me in my ear when I heard that all 3 of David's daughters suffered divorce in their lives.
"See Lisa, this is why I am making you wait so long."
Bethany divorced once and remarried a guy named Dustin. Hillary just recently finalized her divorce after she caught Wesley cheating on her with another woman. Now that woman is pregnant with his fourth child. Now Mallory is in the process of getting divorced from her husband Josh of only a couple years. Divorce seems to run in the Wilkins family... a generational curse? What if that curse runs in my family too? If that is the case, then I want to break it like I have done with so many other curses in the past.
When i prayed to the Lord, I wanted a man of God that would make his fellowship with the Lord his number one priority. Then his relationship with me, his family, friends, and future children he may have with me comes after. I wanted a man that is faithful and loyal. I also made it clear that I never wanted to experience divorce in my life again. I was so traumatized from the divorce my parents went through and finding out that dad was bisexual on top of it that I never quite recovered from it. As a result, I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and complicated PTSD since 1992. I also battled suicidal thoughts and near attempts because I felt like i was nothing but a mistake, a problem, and a burden to this world. I was the reason why my parents broke up and it was my fault. But according to mom, it wasn't and as a matter of fact, she wanted to take me with her when my parents got divorced but was forced to leave me with my dad. The real reason my parents got divorced is because of my dad's sexuality and the fact that my mother struggled with alcohol abuse. I had nothing to do with it at all. Regardless of these facts, I still don't want to go through this again. Coming from a broken home is very hard for me to deal with and I don't want to put my children through the exact same pain.
With that said, I think God is making me wait because I want a serious and commited relationship with the man I will love and I know that God doesn't send out trash at the wrong time. He is also working on me to become the perfect wife for him and I feel myself changing every day. I also wanted this marriage to become a powerful testimony for others who are struggling with love. I believe and have faith that he will send me the right man at the right time and he will create a perfect opportunity for us to cross paths. Maybe it's entirely possible that I have my soulmate and significant other already... and it's just not time for a relationship to happen yet. Jeremy and I are still very close friends and we talk to each other quite often. He no longer seems afraid to be around me and we almost kissed two weekends ago. I think his love is so strong for me that he's afraid of it simply because his ex fiance had hurt him badly in the past. I am hoping and praying that God will remove that fear from his heart and make me his own. But whatever happens happens and it's all in God's hands. I believe and trust that he has a perfect plan for me and he will not fail me. The wait will be so very worth it in the end.
Then tonight I heard the Lord whisper softly to me in my ear when I heard that all 3 of David's daughters suffered divorce in their lives.
"See Lisa, this is why I am making you wait so long."
Bethany divorced once and remarried a guy named Dustin. Hillary just recently finalized her divorce after she caught Wesley cheating on her with another woman. Now that woman is pregnant with his fourth child. Now Mallory is in the process of getting divorced from her husband Josh of only a couple years. Divorce seems to run in the Wilkins family... a generational curse? What if that curse runs in my family too? If that is the case, then I want to break it like I have done with so many other curses in the past.
When i prayed to the Lord, I wanted a man of God that would make his fellowship with the Lord his number one priority. Then his relationship with me, his family, friends, and future children he may have with me comes after. I wanted a man that is faithful and loyal. I also made it clear that I never wanted to experience divorce in my life again. I was so traumatized from the divorce my parents went through and finding out that dad was bisexual on top of it that I never quite recovered from it. As a result, I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and complicated PTSD since 1992. I also battled suicidal thoughts and near attempts because I felt like i was nothing but a mistake, a problem, and a burden to this world. I was the reason why my parents broke up and it was my fault. But according to mom, it wasn't and as a matter of fact, she wanted to take me with her when my parents got divorced but was forced to leave me with my dad. The real reason my parents got divorced is because of my dad's sexuality and the fact that my mother struggled with alcohol abuse. I had nothing to do with it at all. Regardless of these facts, I still don't want to go through this again. Coming from a broken home is very hard for me to deal with and I don't want to put my children through the exact same pain.
With that said, I think God is making me wait because I want a serious and commited relationship with the man I will love and I know that God doesn't send out trash at the wrong time. He is also working on me to become the perfect wife for him and I feel myself changing every day. I also wanted this marriage to become a powerful testimony for others who are struggling with love. I believe and have faith that he will send me the right man at the right time and he will create a perfect opportunity for us to cross paths. Maybe it's entirely possible that I have my soulmate and significant other already... and it's just not time for a relationship to happen yet. Jeremy and I are still very close friends and we talk to each other quite often. He no longer seems afraid to be around me and we almost kissed two weekends ago. I think his love is so strong for me that he's afraid of it simply because his ex fiance had hurt him badly in the past. I am hoping and praying that God will remove that fear from his heart and make me his own. But whatever happens happens and it's all in God's hands. I believe and trust that he has a perfect plan for me and he will not fail me. The wait will be so very worth it in the end.