14 years of live journal....
I was bored tonight so I decided to read through some of my old journals from the very beginning and to be honest, it was kind of painful for me to do that because it brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Here are the most significant ones that stood out to me over the past 14 years...
In 2003, I joined deviantart and met my friend Becca, which was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. For the next several years, the friendship was great, but by the time I started collaborating and role playing with her in 2009, that was when I saw her true colors. She thought that co ownership meant that my offspring characters are automatically hers and she is entitled to control them and do whatever she wants with them. I never had a chance to develop my characters properly and in the end, they were ruined. Worst of all, I wasn't allowed to change any of it and I was forced to use concepts I hated just to make her happy. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't handle her controlling behavior anymore so I ended all collaborations, the rpgs, and the friendship by 2010. It was really hard for me to get out of this friendship since she kept trying to pull me back in, but it was one of the best choices I ever made.
In 2004, I was a very bitter and angry person who hated her stepsister Bethany to the core and I don't remember why. I think it was jealousy... she was born without a disability. she had a normal teenage life in school. She got good grades. she was rather popular and got to spend a lot of time with friends. Meanwhile, I struggled every day in high school and I didn't have many friends at all so I spent most of my time alone. She also got more attention from her parents than I did, which rubbed more salt into my childhood wounds. That was 14 years ago... now that we're both adults and living our own lives, our relationship improved. We're getting along great now and sometimes I actually miss having her around. If I could start over again with Bethany, I would definitely be nicer to her and get to know her more. She could have been a close family member and friend.
In 2005, I met my ex boyfriend Derik roughly around June 9th. I was in a relationship with him for 3 weeks and I dumped him after he pushed me into having sex with him. Then for awhile I battled a case of HPV and a really bad bacterial infection, which lead to pre cervical cancer. I was scared to death of having an operation that would remove the cancerous cells, but the doctors found the right kind of medication for me and the infection cleared up. However, the experience left me mentally scarred for the rest of my life.
From 2004-2007, I was in therapy, which didn't help me at all. I found myself repeating the same problems over and over, and over again and nothing was ever resolved. Instead, they treated me like some medicated guinea pig, putting me on zoloft, lexapro, and ativan. The combination made me worse than I ever was before. I was aggressive, self damaging, and suicidal. I was lashing out at anyone and everyone that ever approached me, especially with members of my own family. I was so scared of my new behaviors that I quit therapy and drugs cold turkey and made a vow to never go back to human resources again. After I talked to Justin, he said that I was just dealing with unresolved grief and a disability, not a chemical imbalance... which is probably why I reacted to the drugs the way I did...
In the beginning of 2005 I moved to Mainview Apartments, which is now called Raulf Place. That is where I met my friend Justin...
In 2006 and 2007, I went on a trip to florida with the whole family, which was one of the happier moments of my life.
In 2006 I adopted my cat Morgan and she had been my fluffy companion until 2012.
In 2007 I had to see an ENT to fix my hearing problems. It helped my hearing temporarily but it wasn't long before I had problems again.... i guess my lisp and hearing problems are gonna be pernament until I die and there's nothing i can really do about it anymore.
In 2008 Uncle Jeff divorces Aunt Jane after easter.
In 2009, my grandmother got sick then passed away from type 2 diabetes and other complications. Becca was also causing a lot of problems for me so I never really had a chance to grieve for her in peace... I need to visit her gravesite again.
In 2009 I created a new character named Olivia to distract myself from my grandmother's illness and death. For some reason, Becca became so obsessed with the character that she was determined to take control of the character in RPGs then steal her for herself at all costs, even if it meant the end of a 7 year friendship.
In 2009 my friendship with April came to a temporary end, but it fully recovered by the beginning of this year and I thank God for that every day.
In 2009 I meet my new best friend Jeremy through Justin over a broken computer. We had been friends ever since and eventually became lovers for a brief period of time. We're back to being friends now, but I still hold onto hope that he may still come around and admit his true feelings towards me...
In 2010 my friendship with Becca officially came to an end. I was subjected to stalking, drama, harassment, and abusive smear campaings that went on until 2014. I almost killed myself that year because the grief I experienced from it was unbearable.
2010 i went to fox valley tech for a couple years. unfortunately, i couldn't handle the math classes so i had to drop out. I also had no sense of direction or purpose in this life so i didn't know what to major in either...
In October 2010 I reunited with my mother. I decided to forgive her and give her another chance to be a part of my life, but she wouldn't take responsibility for her own actions and make any effort to be a part of my life as a mother. After I got into a huge fight with her, she disowned me by 2014. At least i can finally understand why dad got divorced from her when i was ten years old and i got some sort of closure from it.
In 2010 my little brother Kurt had found me on facebook and added me. We reconnected with each other through facebook and i feel proud of him for overcoming so much and is now living a life of his own in colorado. happy birthday little bro! i hope it was a good one.
In 2012 I decided to move from mainview and got myself a 2 bedroom apartment at courtyard apartments, which is where i am at now.
2013 I smoked weed for the first and only time. To be honest, I didn't like it much at all and I prefer to be alert, sober, and aware of my surroundings...
2014 jeremy built me a new desktop computer from scratch and I still use it to this very day. It will soon get an upgrade.
2016 my grandfather passed away on feb 11, the day before my birthday
June 2017 dad sells my childhood home and moves to oshkosh. I inherited some furniture from him too.
2013-2018 i started spending weekends with jeremy and his friends. i would always be out ghost hunting, swimming, exploring places, or going on road trips. I was a little uncomfortable coming out of my "comfort zone" at first, but I grew to love it.
2017-2018 Dad and david spend the first four months of the year in Florida and aunt nancy and uncle richard joined them on feb 3rd. aunt nancy and uncle richard will be coming back around easter while dad and david will be coming home around May.
December 2017 I spent christmas at aunt gail's house, which brought back many childhood memories with my cousin Angela. I also discovered that my cousin michelle got divorced from blake, which was very shocking to me...
Winter 2018 I fell linto a deep depression and suffered a nervous breakdown because it's difficult for me to be alone for long periods of time... i crave love and affection more than ever now.
February 2018 Becca finally stopped using Olivia to provoke me into fighting with her and left me alone around my birthday, which is what I've been wanting for a very long time. I may have lost the battle to gain full ownership and control over the character, but I won the war for freedom and control over my life, characters, and art. The feeling of victory feels pretty great.
January 2018 I got rid of my old bed and purchased a new kitchen table and a temporary vanity table.
February 2018 I finally got a new comforter set with a pair of curtains for the main bedroom. It doesn't seem like a big deal to you but my bedroom had been an eggplant purple color for years. Now it's burgundy red. It's quite a big change from what I've been used to for the past several years.
February 2018 I experienced the full act of sex with Jeremy, which was 3 weeks ago. I never really planned to go all the way with him but I'm glad that I did and I had protection against pregnancy. It healed me from the pain Derik put me through back in 2005 and it was proof that sex really is different with another guy... someone that you really care about and trust. I decided to put this whole relationship into the hands of God, hoping that he will strengthen our bond to a much deeper level... because the moment I met him, I heard a tiny little whisper from God: "that's him Lisa. He's the one. You're gonna have some trials and trouble with this one but if you trust me, it will be worth it in the end." You do have my trust Lord. Please take complete control of my life and create a life changing miracle. Amen.
March 2018 I think i might be pregnant, but I could be wrong and it could end up being another weird period. i took a pregnancy test today but it gave me a strange reading. It appeared to have double lines at first but then the bottom line got very blurry. After I suffered a bad panic attack, I reached for the phone to talk to Jeremy about this, but I didn't. In the end, I came to the conclusion that i'm either extremely hormonal right now or I got some issues going on with my reproductive system, especially since I never fully recovered from my cervical cancer scare back in 2005...
Looking back, I honestly can't believe how much I changed here in live journal for the past fourteen years and it's for the better and worst. I have grown a lot and became a better person since then, but I still struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and near attempts, which is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just hope that one day I can turn this live journal from a place to vent to a source of positivity, hope, and inspiration for many who are struggling with disabilities, mood disorders, and narcissistic abuse. If I can manage to make a difference in someone's life in more ways than one, then I will be happy.
In 2003, I joined deviantart and met my friend Becca, which was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. For the next several years, the friendship was great, but by the time I started collaborating and role playing with her in 2009, that was when I saw her true colors. She thought that co ownership meant that my offspring characters are automatically hers and she is entitled to control them and do whatever she wants with them. I never had a chance to develop my characters properly and in the end, they were ruined. Worst of all, I wasn't allowed to change any of it and I was forced to use concepts I hated just to make her happy. Eventually it got to the point where I couldn't handle her controlling behavior anymore so I ended all collaborations, the rpgs, and the friendship by 2010. It was really hard for me to get out of this friendship since she kept trying to pull me back in, but it was one of the best choices I ever made.
In 2004, I was a very bitter and angry person who hated her stepsister Bethany to the core and I don't remember why. I think it was jealousy... she was born without a disability. she had a normal teenage life in school. She got good grades. she was rather popular and got to spend a lot of time with friends. Meanwhile, I struggled every day in high school and I didn't have many friends at all so I spent most of my time alone. She also got more attention from her parents than I did, which rubbed more salt into my childhood wounds. That was 14 years ago... now that we're both adults and living our own lives, our relationship improved. We're getting along great now and sometimes I actually miss having her around. If I could start over again with Bethany, I would definitely be nicer to her and get to know her more. She could have been a close family member and friend.
In 2005, I met my ex boyfriend Derik roughly around June 9th. I was in a relationship with him for 3 weeks and I dumped him after he pushed me into having sex with him. Then for awhile I battled a case of HPV and a really bad bacterial infection, which lead to pre cervical cancer. I was scared to death of having an operation that would remove the cancerous cells, but the doctors found the right kind of medication for me and the infection cleared up. However, the experience left me mentally scarred for the rest of my life.
From 2004-2007, I was in therapy, which didn't help me at all. I found myself repeating the same problems over and over, and over again and nothing was ever resolved. Instead, they treated me like some medicated guinea pig, putting me on zoloft, lexapro, and ativan. The combination made me worse than I ever was before. I was aggressive, self damaging, and suicidal. I was lashing out at anyone and everyone that ever approached me, especially with members of my own family. I was so scared of my new behaviors that I quit therapy and drugs cold turkey and made a vow to never go back to human resources again. After I talked to Justin, he said that I was just dealing with unresolved grief and a disability, not a chemical imbalance... which is probably why I reacted to the drugs the way I did...
In the beginning of 2005 I moved to Mainview Apartments, which is now called Raulf Place. That is where I met my friend Justin...
In 2006 and 2007, I went on a trip to florida with the whole family, which was one of the happier moments of my life.
In 2006 I adopted my cat Morgan and she had been my fluffy companion until 2012.
In 2007 I had to see an ENT to fix my hearing problems. It helped my hearing temporarily but it wasn't long before I had problems again.... i guess my lisp and hearing problems are gonna be pernament until I die and there's nothing i can really do about it anymore.
In 2008 Uncle Jeff divorces Aunt Jane after easter.
In 2009, my grandmother got sick then passed away from type 2 diabetes and other complications. Becca was also causing a lot of problems for me so I never really had a chance to grieve for her in peace... I need to visit her gravesite again.
In 2009 I created a new character named Olivia to distract myself from my grandmother's illness and death. For some reason, Becca became so obsessed with the character that she was determined to take control of the character in RPGs then steal her for herself at all costs, even if it meant the end of a 7 year friendship.
In 2009 my friendship with April came to a temporary end, but it fully recovered by the beginning of this year and I thank God for that every day.
In 2009 I meet my new best friend Jeremy through Justin over a broken computer. We had been friends ever since and eventually became lovers for a brief period of time. We're back to being friends now, but I still hold onto hope that he may still come around and admit his true feelings towards me...
In 2010 my friendship with Becca officially came to an end. I was subjected to stalking, drama, harassment, and abusive smear campaings that went on until 2014. I almost killed myself that year because the grief I experienced from it was unbearable.
2010 i went to fox valley tech for a couple years. unfortunately, i couldn't handle the math classes so i had to drop out. I also had no sense of direction or purpose in this life so i didn't know what to major in either...
In October 2010 I reunited with my mother. I decided to forgive her and give her another chance to be a part of my life, but she wouldn't take responsibility for her own actions and make any effort to be a part of my life as a mother. After I got into a huge fight with her, she disowned me by 2014. At least i can finally understand why dad got divorced from her when i was ten years old and i got some sort of closure from it.
In 2010 my little brother Kurt had found me on facebook and added me. We reconnected with each other through facebook and i feel proud of him for overcoming so much and is now living a life of his own in colorado. happy birthday little bro! i hope it was a good one.
In 2012 I decided to move from mainview and got myself a 2 bedroom apartment at courtyard apartments, which is where i am at now.
2013 I smoked weed for the first and only time. To be honest, I didn't like it much at all and I prefer to be alert, sober, and aware of my surroundings...
2014 jeremy built me a new desktop computer from scratch and I still use it to this very day. It will soon get an upgrade.
2016 my grandfather passed away on feb 11, the day before my birthday
June 2017 dad sells my childhood home and moves to oshkosh. I inherited some furniture from him too.
2013-2018 i started spending weekends with jeremy and his friends. i would always be out ghost hunting, swimming, exploring places, or going on road trips. I was a little uncomfortable coming out of my "comfort zone" at first, but I grew to love it.
2017-2018 Dad and david spend the first four months of the year in Florida and aunt nancy and uncle richard joined them on feb 3rd. aunt nancy and uncle richard will be coming back around easter while dad and david will be coming home around May.
December 2017 I spent christmas at aunt gail's house, which brought back many childhood memories with my cousin Angela. I also discovered that my cousin michelle got divorced from blake, which was very shocking to me...
Winter 2018 I fell linto a deep depression and suffered a nervous breakdown because it's difficult for me to be alone for long periods of time... i crave love and affection more than ever now.
February 2018 Becca finally stopped using Olivia to provoke me into fighting with her and left me alone around my birthday, which is what I've been wanting for a very long time. I may have lost the battle to gain full ownership and control over the character, but I won the war for freedom and control over my life, characters, and art. The feeling of victory feels pretty great.
January 2018 I got rid of my old bed and purchased a new kitchen table and a temporary vanity table.
February 2018 I finally got a new comforter set with a pair of curtains for the main bedroom. It doesn't seem like a big deal to you but my bedroom had been an eggplant purple color for years. Now it's burgundy red. It's quite a big change from what I've been used to for the past several years.
February 2018 I experienced the full act of sex with Jeremy, which was 3 weeks ago. I never really planned to go all the way with him but I'm glad that I did and I had protection against pregnancy. It healed me from the pain Derik put me through back in 2005 and it was proof that sex really is different with another guy... someone that you really care about and trust. I decided to put this whole relationship into the hands of God, hoping that he will strengthen our bond to a much deeper level... because the moment I met him, I heard a tiny little whisper from God: "that's him Lisa. He's the one. You're gonna have some trials and trouble with this one but if you trust me, it will be worth it in the end." You do have my trust Lord. Please take complete control of my life and create a life changing miracle. Amen.
March 2018 I think i might be pregnant, but I could be wrong and it could end up being another weird period. i took a pregnancy test today but it gave me a strange reading. It appeared to have double lines at first but then the bottom line got very blurry. After I suffered a bad panic attack, I reached for the phone to talk to Jeremy about this, but I didn't. In the end, I came to the conclusion that i'm either extremely hormonal right now or I got some issues going on with my reproductive system, especially since I never fully recovered from my cervical cancer scare back in 2005...
Looking back, I honestly can't believe how much I changed here in live journal for the past fourteen years and it's for the better and worst. I have grown a lot and became a better person since then, but I still struggle with depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts and near attempts, which is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just hope that one day I can turn this live journal from a place to vent to a source of positivity, hope, and inspiration for many who are struggling with disabilities, mood disorders, and narcissistic abuse. If I can manage to make a difference in someone's life in more ways than one, then I will be happy.