The Edge of Darkness (6/7)
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Arthur was standing behind a tree waiting. He had sent Merlin ahead to flush out whatever animal they heard tromping around in the woods ahead of them so that he might shoot it. When the beast did not run in his direction and Merlin did not call, Arthur cautiously crept forward to see what was going on. That is when he saw Merlin riding a unicorn, leaning over to stroke its neck and speak in its ear in a low voice.
It was at that moment that he heard someone yelling, "Sorcerer!" from the other side of the clearing.
He looked up and saw his father pointing and yelling. "Kill him, he is a sorcerer. Sorcerers are all evil. Kill him before he turns on us."
Arthur looked back at Merlin to see him still sitting astride the unicorn, rubbing its neck with one of his all-over-the-face smiles that rival the sun in brightness. "Look Arthur. It is magical, but it is only beautiful and good. Don't you see? Evil comes from the heart, not from magic."
Gaius appeared on the other side of the clearing, yelling to be heard above his father. "Only someone completely pure of heart and innocent can ride a unicorn. Only the purest. Completely pure."
Arthur looked from Gaius to his father then to Merlin.
"Trust me Arthur; there is no evil in magic. Come pet it, Ar..."
Suddenly there was a bolt sticking through Merlin's chest with red blooming all around it and Merlin was toppling from the unicorn as Arthur screamed and ran toward him. The faster Arthur tried to run the slower and further away he seemed to get.
He heard his father screaming, "Sorcerer. He must die. All sorcerers are evil."
Arthur was still running toward Merlin trying to go faster, but not getting any closer.
Then Arthur began yelling at his father, "No, all magic is not evil. He is pure of heart or he could not touch a unicorn. You cannot kill him. Don’t you understand that all magic isn’t evil?" He looked up at the unicorn. "You are magic, don't let him die. Save him, there is no evil in him."
"Treason" his father screamed. "The evil sorcerer has turned you against me."
"No, I have simply turned to one with a purer heart to teach me."
Arthur awoke in a panic, heart racing as he looked toward Merlin to see if the man was stirring. He lay there listening, but did not hear a sound other than the sound of his own heart. As he began to relax, he realized that it was a dream that had awakened him. It was the dream about Merlin and the unicorn again. Why did he keep having that dream? He tried to remember as much as he could, hoping to grasp at a meaning.
It surprised him that in the dream he had chosen Merlin over his father when forced to make a choice. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he realized that was exactly the position he was in. If Merlin were a sorcerer, as he feared, then he would have to make a choice. Until that moment, he would have never believed that there was a choice. It had always seemed so clear-cut to him what was right and where his loyalties should lie. Watching Uther's hatred for sorcery cloud his judgment until the mere mention of sorcery, or even something different that might prove to be sorcery, had him executing people indiscriminately before giving people a trial, had him questioning that all his father’s ways were right. Arthur was sure that there were some that had used Uther's hatred to get rid of people that stood in their way or that they had a hatred for without soiling their own hands. That, he thought, was as evil as what his father feared sorcery was. It seemed that evil raised its ugly head with or without sorcery. When he allowed himself to think about the problem of sorcery in Camelot with the perspective of distance, he could see that his father had set up a cycle with the purge. His father killed sorcerers, their families and friends pitted themselves against Uther, and even Arthur, in revenge. How long would it be before they got smart and banded together instead of coming one at a time? Could Camelot withstand an attack of sorcerers in number when they had no magic of their own to defend them? Uther might have been lucky enough to defeat the sorcerers up until now, but Arthur knew that with every killing the numbers against them increased. If Gaius was to be believed, they already had a powerful sorcerer in their midst secretly protecting them. With Merlin, there could be two. Unless... Don't be ridiculous Arthur, he thought, there is no way that Merlin could be that protector, the one to stand by your side as you become King. Glancing at the shape in the darkness that was Merlin, he felt a thrill run through him to imagine Merlin with a great deal of power, standing by him as an equal. It was a bit surprising to realize that he longed for that to be the truth, for he did not know of anyone in Camelot that he would rather have by his side through life. Arthur decided that he loved his father and wished to remain loyal to him, but wondered if his father's way was the only way. If he found that Merlin had magic, he would indeed have to choose between Merlin and his father. It was a choice he was not ready to make. No matter what his father said, Arthur could not believe that Merlin had evil in him. Arthur was beginning to realize that the hatred of magic was beginning to eat at his father so that his decisions were sometimes questionable.
When the sun began to paint the horizon with faint colors Arthur was still struggling with his thoughts. He got up, picked up his boots and weapons and quietly left the house. Putting his boots on outside, he headed for the small wooded area on the edge of Ealdor to hunt for some meat for Merlin’s broth and perhaps clear his head. When he returned with a brace of rabbits later that morning the only conclusion that had come to was that he would protect Merlin in whatever way he could, even from his own father.
* * * * *
Arthur continued to spend a bit of time each day outside with Constantine, giving Hunith a bit of time alone with an improving Merlin. Since one of Constantine's favorite things to play was Knight, they spent a lot of time fighting with their stick 'swords'. The villagers began to drift around while they were 'fighting' to cheer Constantine on. When one of the villagers kept taunting Arthur, he invited him to a 'duel' with their sticks. Arthur was both surprised and pleased to see that the man had improved greatly since the time he, Morgana, and Gwen had come to help the villagers fight off the bandits with Merlin. When the villagers informed him they took any opportunity they could to practice the things that he had taught them on his last visit he was impressed, even when they admitted that they too were usually forced to use sticks, because a lack of proper swords. When they asked if he would practice with them to help them improve even more, he agreed quickly. On the third day after starting the training sessions, Merlin felt well enough to be helped outside to watch. Merlin had even joined in a bit by sword fighting with Constantine from his seated position.
When Arthur was getting a drink of water from the bucket placed in the shade near Merlin, he stooped to correct Constantine's stance a bit. He and Merlin shared a smile over the boy's head. "It looks as if you are building a fine army here." Merlin said.
"I find it almost ironic that when I need to be rebuilding my own troops that I am here in Cenred's Kingdom training his subjects to be better fighters when he is looking for anything to go to war with Camelot over. Someday soon I may be looking down the sword at these men for real."
"Never happen," said a voice behind Arthur. Arthur turned to see Ganis at the water bucket. "Our village might lie in Cenred's Kingdom, but Cenred has no use for us because we are too poor to even pay a tax. We don't even exist to him. Men who don't exist owe no loyalty. If it comes to war my allegiance will be given to the King who does see me and not only acknowledges my existence, but comes to help when there is a need."
Stunned Arthur heard a chorus of agreement all around. He looked to Merlin who smiled at him with a contented smile.
"It might not take as big an army as you think to unite Albion." Merlin seemed to speak randomly minutes later when the men had returned to their practice and Arthur had sank down beside his servant under the tree.
"What are you going on about now Merlin?" Arthur questioned him.
"When other people find out what kind of King you are they may be like the people here and decide to fight with you against their own to become part of your Kingdom." Merlin returned while smiling toward him again.
"Don't be ridiculous Merlin." Arthur said and rose to start back to the men that were still practicing. "It does not work like that."
"It could," he heard Merlin's parting shot as he walked away, "for the right man."
* * * *
Four days later Merlin proclaimed he was strong enough to ride in the wagon back to the village of Ascetir. Hunith had confided in them that she had become much too attached to Constantine to allow him to go to the couple Merlin had originally been planning to ask to raise him and asked if she could keep him. Arthur had immediately informed her that, not only could she keep him, he would be sending funds to help. When Hunith tried to argue that it was not necessary, Arthur reminded her that the boy was a subject of Camelot, thus his responsibility. At the sad look that crossed her face, he reassured her that he would not usurp authority for the boy over her, but it was his wish that the boy train as a Knight when the time came. As she raised her brow and opened her mouth to question him, he assured her that when he was King that everyone would have a chance to be a Knight, not only nobles.
As the cart bounced over the uneven ground toward Ascetir, Arthur realized that Merlin was quiet and that he missed the chatter that Merlin usually kept up on a trip. Searching his mind for a topic of conversation, he started talking about all the nobles that were already angling for positions in his court. He threw in a few funny incidents and even put a funny spin on others just to try to get Merlin to laugh. "So what position have you decided that you want when I am King?" He asked Merlin.
Merlin seemed startled over the question. "I'll be happy to remain your servant. I have already told you that I would be happy to serve you until I die.”
"What kind of ambition is that?" asked Arthur. "Everyone wants to better themselves. Are you telling me that you actually like mucking out my stables?"
"Well, no. I thought mucking out your stables was the stable boys job and you just made me do it when you wanted to be a prat. What I like is being able to help you whenever and however you need. I don't think that will change after you are King."
"But when I am King I will have a host of maids, Pages, guards and others to do all those jobs you do now."
"Oh, I am that valuable am I?" Merlin smirked.
Arthur's brow furrowed as he tried to unravel what Merlin meant.
"If it will take a whole host of people to do what I do by myself now, and mucking the stables besides, that must mean that I am a valuable servant."
Arthur chuckled, "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
Merlin smiled a real Merlin smile at him and it pierced him with how much he had missed that smile over the past months.
"If you cannot be my servant what would you do?" Arthur tried again.
"Whatever you need me to do." Merlin shrugged. "I have no designs on any specific jobs."
"Well, I promised you a reward for saving my life other than being made a servant, what would you like; land, wealth, position?” Arthur pressed on.
Merlin just looked at him for a few minutes with a puzzled look. "Arthur, you know that I am a simple person with simple wants and needs. I have little use for money or vast lands. I am happy the way things are. If I wished for anything at all, it would be that Mother and Constantine are provided for." Suddenly he brightened. "I know, if you really want to give me something defeat Cenred and make Ealdor part of Camelot. That way I will know that they will be fine and protected."
"You want me to give you Ealdor? I guess that could be arranged." Arthur said thoughtfully.
Merlin gave him a strange look. "No, I don't want to be given Ealdor. I simply want you to be their King so it will be a safer place to live. I think everyone in the village wants it, too."
Arthur shook his head as he looked at his manservant. "Merlin, you are a puzzle."
The conversation lagged into comfortable silence. A bit later Arthur glanced over at Merlin to see that he had nodded off to sleep. Arthur still did not think him recovered enough to travel, he tended to doze off several times a day, but Merlin had insisted that he was fine. Arthur raised his hand to the side of Merlin's head and pulled it over onto his shoulder. He only kept his hand there to keep the head from bouncing off he told himself.
* * * * *
Arthur was weary as he, Merlin, and the Knights rode back toward Camelot from Ascetir. Glancing around he was sure that all the men were as weary and disheartened as he was. While he and Merlin had been in Ealdor, the Knights kept busy with burning the bodies of dying children, young adults, a spattering of elderly people, and most of the animals of the village of Ascetir. Arthur dreaded what they would find with they arrived at Camelot. Would it be more of the same thing?
It was nearing sundown and looking like rain might be coming in from the east very soon. They were close enough that he thought they would be able to make it by the time darkness fell. Even if caught by darkness before they reached home, they were in familiar territory now and he could find his way even in the dark. If the rain caught them, he would rather be riding into Camelot wet than sleeping in the rain tonight. He planned to spend the night in his own soft bed after a hot bath to scrub the dirt and smell of the past few days from his skin.
Swiping the hair from his eyes that a sudden gust of wind had blown into his face he looked at Merlin intending to tell him to prepare him a bath as soon as they were home and saw that Merlin looked worse than he felt. Arthur had delayed the departure from Ascetir for a couple days to allow Merlin to regain some of his strength. It was probably a good thing. Merlin had started getting sick to his stomach again. Arthur had gone hunting and made broth that he had fed him every couple of hours in hopes to keep his strength up. As soon as Merlin had announced that he no longer felt sick to is stomach Arthur made plans to leave the next morning, hoping to arrive in Camelot before the day was over.
Feeling a moment of compassion for his manservant that his father would berate him severely for should he ever suspect it, he decided to not say anything. He would find a castle servant to bring him water when they got back to Camelot and give Merlin a chance to get to bed early, also.
"I thought we had left that stench behind." One of the Knights behind Arthur said, jerking him out of his thoughts.
Arthur realized that the towers of his father’s castle were within sight now and the smell of burning flesh was in the air. "They must be losing people and animals in Camelot as they did in Ascetir," spoke another Knight.
Almost as one, they were urging their tired horses forward as fast as they dared, fearful for loved ones. Thankfully, the wind had picked up enough behind them that it was blowing the smell away from them and making it a bit easier to draw a breath.
A short while that felt like hours later, they galloped through the gates of Camelot. Arthur was dismounting and throwing his reins to a stable boy before his horse had come to a complete stop. He took off in a run toward the castle. Merlin quickly dismounted to follow. About halfway to the castle door someone called Arthur's name. He turned to see Leon striding toward him.
Arthur reached out to clasp Leon in a double-handed handshake. "My father?" He asked.
A brief frown crossed Leon's face before he answered. "He seems well, but he is acting...strangely. There have been several people burned for sorcery since you have been gone based on accusations with little proof to back them up. Some of us suspect that at least one of those executed was unjustly accused because of an ongoing quarrel with a neighbor."
“Burned?” Arthur was confused. “He stopped using the pyre before we left and I thought that Gaius had made Father realize that the people were suffering an illness," Arthur told the Knight.
"As more people and animals died everyone has been in a frenzy." Leon told him. "Gaius was able to convince him for a time, but as more people were afflicted there were more and more accusations. Only today he burned a whole family, including an infant, because of claims that the man was a Dragonlord without even asking for proof."
"A whole family?" Merlin squeaked in a horrified voice. Arthur was so disturbed himself that he forgot to chastise Merlin for speaking out of turn. He wondered if his face was as pale and his eyes as wide as Merlin's before he managed to win a hard fought battle for control of his features. Seeing Merlin made him remember how ill his servant had been lately.
"Merlin, you are dismissed for the night. Get something to eat and some sleep."
At that moment, the doors of the castle opened and Uther swept through them. "Arthur," he called and started quickly down the steps with a smile on his face. When he reached Arthur, he swept him into a one armed hug, armor and all.
"Any word of Morgana, son?"
"No, Father. We have been helping in the village of Ascetir where they have had a heavy death toll among the villagers and animals. There was no information on Morgana there.
Uther's face immediately fell and he seemed to lose several inches in height suddenly.
"I was so hoping that you would find her this time." Uther turned and started to walk away, then seemed to remember Arthur was there and tuned back to him. "Go ahead and get some food then and we will discuss any reports that you have in the morning."
"Yes, Father." Arthur began to walk away. "Goodnight, Father."
"Goodnight, Arthur. It's good to have you home again, son." It was almost like an afterthought.
Arthur walked into his room and looked longingly at the bed before groaning and collapsing into a chair. It was almost too dark to see since he had sent Merlin to his own bed without lighting candles or a fire. Hopefully there was a servant nearby that he could call to attend him. Food would be nice, hot water for a bath even better, and most of all he needed to get up and remove his armor before he fell asleep in his chair wearing it, but he did not want to move. He also did not want to think about what seemed to have been happening in Camelot while they had been gone or the fact that Uther had only asked about Morgana, as if that had been the purpose of their trip to Ascetir, nor the disappointment that was on his father's face when he learned that they had not found her. What was his father thinking by using mass burnings again? As Arthur sat there, it was as if the edge of darkness had befallen his mind and spirit, as well as the land.
Wishing that he had a full wineskin to bring about oblivion, Arthur decided that he would settle for someone to light some candles and get him out of his armor.
As if in answer to his wish, there was a knock at his door.
"Sire, I am here to get you out of your armour." A voice on the other side of the door called.
"Enter." Arthur called back.
"Sire, why are you sitting here in the dark with no fire?" Not waiting for an answer the boy walked back out the door. Arthur's face had not had time to form a complete frown of confusion when he came back into the room clutching a burning rush in his free hand. He sat the tankard he held on the table in front of Arthur.
"Ale," he explained and began using the rush to light the candles in the candelabra on the table. "Merlin stopped me and told me you could use some wine, but this was all I could find tonight.”
"He asked that some food and hot water for a bath be brought up for you, but I thought you might like the ale while you wait," the boy walked around the room lighting the other candles as he explained.
Arthur felt warmth suffuse him that, as tired and ill as Merlin was, he had arranged things for Arthur's comfort.
The boy finished lighting the candles and used the rush to light the wood already laid in the fireplace. "I can remove your armour now if you are ready, Sire."
Arthur sat there while the boy unfastened his armour and removed it piece by piece. After putting chainmail down on one end of the table there was another knock on the door. A girl brought a tray in and placed the food in front of his chair on the table.
“Water has been ordered for your bath Sire, shall I stay to prepare you?"
"No, you may both go." They gave Arthur a bow and a curtsy before the two servants turned and left him. He decided that he did not like well-trained impersonal servants attending him.
* * * * *
Arthur slouched at the table in his room and stared out the window. He was completely ignoring the papers that his father had given him to look over that showed what had been going on in Camelot while they had been gone. He had been shocked to learn how many Uther had executed for sorcery. There were several more awaiting sentencing. Perhaps the most shocking of all was to find that not only had Uther executed an infant the day before, but also there was a four-year-old girl in the dungeon. He was glad that he had insisted that Merlin stay behind to do his chores then see if Gaius needed him for a while. He knew that Merlin took all executions hard, unless they had been flagrant in murdering someone. When it came to the little ones Merlin became almost irrational. Arthur could not help but think of Constantine and be thankful that Merlin was that way.
When Merlin walked in his door without knocking, as usual, he glanced up to see his set, pale face and knew that his servant had heard the news. He started gathering his papers up and stood to walk across the room and lay them on his desk, avoiding Merlin's eyes and hoping to buy himself a bit of time before he had to talk about something that he hadn't even sorted out in his mind yet. His reprieve was short lived.
"How could your father kill children for doing nothing?"
"The father was accused of being a Dragonlord."
"No!" Merlin's emphatic shout startled Arthur to a stop.
Surprised at Merlin's reaction Arthur spoke in a low voice. "There have been rumors since the dragon's attack that a Dragonlord called the dragon down on Camelot."
Merlin left the food that he had been taking off the tray and started pacing from the table to the bed and back. "No. That cannot be true. Gaius." He stopped as if his voice had failed him before trying again. "Gaius said that Balinor was the last Dragonlord. We saw Balinor die." Merlin's voice seemed to give out again and he paced the distance between the table and bed several times before he could continue. Arthur walked to the window and stared out at the courtyard.
"The man they executed can't be a Dragonlord when we watched the last one die.” Merlin continued when he had gotten control of his voice. "Uther killed an innocent man. Moreover, the children. Why did he kill the children? Why kill a little baby? What could a baby be guilty of?" Merlin's was now agitatedly rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair as if he could hardly keep himself from tearing his hair out in hanks.
"My father said that Dragonlord's magic is passed from father to son." Arthur heard a hiss of indrawn breath as he quietly explained all he knew. "As the father died all the children had to be put to death, too, or it would pass through the lineage to the next one all the way down to the infant."
Still grasping his hair, Merlin began muttering under his breath, but Arthur could not understand him. That look that Arthur hated to see was back on his face again.
Arthur was still standing at the window when he heard the door open and close and looked up to find that Merlin was no longer in the room. He lost count of how long he stood there ignoring the food that Merlin had brought, he found that he could do little but stare out the window trying to get control of his swirling thoughts.
He had known that Merlin was going to be upset, especially over the children, but he had not expected him to be this upset. Arthur only hoped that he had gone back to his room and not to Uther. With that thought, Arthur spun on his heel and headed for the door to find Merlin before he got himself executed.
Arthur made sure to swing by his father's chambers first to make sure that Merlin had not gone there. Merlin knew as well as he did that his farther always spent time after lunch in his room getting over the morning and getting ready for the afternoon. When the guard at Uther's door told him that his father had asked not to be disturbed until his afternoon meetings started he felt a bit of relief. Maybe he still had a chance to find Merlin before he managed to get himself killed.
"Is there something I can do for you, Sire?” Gaius seemed a bit surprised to be disturbed when Arthur walked into his rooms.
"I'm looking for Merlin, have you seen him?"
"I thought he was with you, Sire."
"He heard about the family that my father had executed yesterday and was very upset about it." Arthur thought he saw Gaius flinch, but decided he must have just twitched his nose because of the noxious odor coming from whatever he was cutting up.
"He was sure that my father has killed and innocent man and his children. Do you believe that the man Balinor was really the last Dragonlord or do you think that the man my father executed yesterday really did call the dragon to attack Camelot?"
"Balinor was the only Dragonlord that I had heard rumors of still being alive." Gaius answered carefully as if afraid that he would be executed for treason for going against the king. "Until the day before the execution I had never heard of any other Dragonlord. I also have not been able to find any reason that the man would wish Camelot destroyed when his business was one of the ones lost. His wife was also killed."
"That might have been a cover." Arthur was grasping at straws, but he did not want to think that his father had executed a whole family of innocent people. Surely he could not execute four innocent children.
"That is true. True or not, the deed is done and our speculating will not bring them back. If you feel that Merlin might do something to get himself into trouble it might be best if you find him first and get him away from Camelot to calm him down before he does. He has a place that he goes when he is upset. He may have gone there. It is a lake not too far from here. I can give you directions."
In record time, Arthur retrieved his crossbow from the armory while he had his horse saddled, sent a servant after his cloak, and another after a parcel of food. He left a message with his father that he had pressing business that he would discuss when he returned and set out in the direction that Gaius had given him.
Arthur quietly approached the lake where Gaius had sent him. After scouting out the area for a few minutes, he found Merlin slumped amongst the roots of a giant tree growing close to the water. It looked as if high water had washed the soil out around the roots making a natural armchair where Merlin was slouched. Arthur remained quiet, hidden, and just watched Merlin. Merlin appeared to be talking to someone, but Arthur was too far away to hear anything that he was saying. It also looked like he might be crying because he kept wiping his fist under his eyes and occasionally his nose. Arthur found that he could lie down on the soft grass nearby and still see through the growth of weeds to where Merlin was. He decided to lounge there and just keep an eye on Merlin. He did not want to intrude on Merlin in the emotional state that he was in, but he wanted to make sure that he was safe and that he calmed down before he headed back to Camelot.
As the sun started setting Arthur knew that he was going to have to make a decision whether to try to get closer to Merlin so that he could still see him after dark or make his presence known to him and set up a camp for them for the night. Merlin no longer seemed to be talking to anyone. He had settled down for some time now. Arthur decided that he would chance letting Merlin know that he was here and make camp for the night. Maybe Merlin would open up and talk to him now that he seemed to have sorted out his thoughts and feelings. He rose and walked toward Merlin.
"Arthur, what are you doing here? How did you find me? How long have you been here?"
"It's almost dark. We need to get back to the castle or find a good place to stay for the night and gather some firewood. It will probably be cool tonight." Arthur said avoiding the questions.
"The roots of this tree provide pretty good shelter and there is already a fire circle left from a previous fire. If I gather some wood I should be fine here for the night." Merlin was rising even as he spoke. "You can go on back to Camelot. There is no need for you to stay tonight." He moved into the edge of the woods surrounding the lake and Arthur followed.
"I'm staying Merlin. I'll go when you do." Arthur was adamant.
After gathering enough wood for the night, Merlin had a fire going. Arthur had brought his horse closer to tie it up and remove the food and cloak. They ate the cold meat and bread that he had brought with him in silence.
"Do you want to talk?" Arthur finally asked causing Merlin to jump.
"How did you find me?" Merlin asked.
"I searched the castle over and Gaius finally told me that you might have come here."
There was a lengthy silence before Merlin spoke again. "I didn't even realize that Gaius knows I come here when I need to think."
"I'm glad that someone did. It would not have been good to be alone as upset as you were. You might not have seen danger until it was too late. Not to mention that you aren't even armed."
"So how long were you watching over me? Did you hear me ta-- Did you hear what I was saying?"
"I was far enough away to give you your privacy, but close enough to intervene if someone tried to attack you. I'm here now if you want to talk to someone."
Another long drawn out silence greeted that statement before he finally heard Merlin barely above a whisper say, "I can't."
Arthur was surprised to feel hurt at those words. He realized that he trusted Merlin with every part of his life. He had learned that Merlin was a keen observer and was educated as very few peasants were. He had grown accustomed to talking over everything with Merlin. He did not always take Merlin's advice, but just by talking, he usually was able to work things out. It hurt to know that Merlin did not feel the same way.
After a few minutes, Merlin started to speak. His voice was so low that Arthur almost had to lean closer to hear him. "I feel guilty about the family that was burned yesterday."
"You feel guilty? Why would you feel guilty? You were not even here when it happened.”
After a long pause Arthur was about to ask more questions when Merlin continued.
"Balinor," Merlin's voice seemed to fail him and he was quiet for a few seconds before he continued. "Balinor, the Dragonlord, died saving me." Arthur heard a muffled sound much like a sob as Merlin sat looking at the ground as if trying to pull himself back together.
Suddenly Arthur remembered Merlin trying to pull himself together and pretend that he hadn't been crying in much the same way as he held the Dragonlord when Arthur found them after slaying the last of Cenred's men. A thought or a memory started niggling him, but before he could catch more than a glimmer of it Merlin continued.
“One of Cenred's men knocked the sword from my hand and was already swinging toward me while I was still off balance. He swung at the man, but his momentum propelled him into the man's sword." Again, Merlin stopped as if he had to will his voice to go on.
In the quietness Arthur heard another muffled sob and in his mind he heard a quiet "Goodnight, Son" followed by an emotional Merlin saying "Sle...sleep well, Father." Could that have been an actual memory instead of a recurring dream? He remembered Merlin having trouble keeping his emotions in check for days afterward. Merlin had been withdrawn much of the time since then. The picture of Merlin holding Hunith that first morning and both of them crying flashed through his head. Could it be possible that Balinor was Merlin's father? It would answer so many of the questions that Arthur had had about Merlin's strange actions since they started the trip to look for the Dragonlord. No, Merlin had told him that he had never met his father. His father left before he was born. Wait, wasn't that was before they met Balinor? Merlin had acted strangely on the whole trip. Could he have found out that the man he was looking for was his father only to have him die saving his life? He opened his mouth to ask Merlin outright, but that wasn't what came out of his mouth.
"Why do you feel guilty for those people yesterday just because Balinor saved you?" Arthur asked quietly.
Merlin was quiet for a while longer. Arthur stiffened as he realized that if Balinor had been Merlin's father that would make Merlin a Dragonlord. While the shock of that thought was still zinging through his system as if a bolt of lightning had hit him, Merlin continued.
"If he had not died he could have come back to Camelot and gotten rid of the dragon. None of the Knights would have had to die that last night. He would have also known if that man yesterday was a Dragonlord."
As soft as Merlin's heart was Arthur didn't think that was the whole truth. Suddenly he was almost certain that he had figured out the puzzle correctly. It all fell together so perfectly, it had to be true. For a millisecond, he felt disappointment that Merlin was not able to trust him enough to tell him, until reason kicked in and made him realize that Merlin would be crazy to tell the son of the biased King who had executed a whole family yesterday for simply a suspicion created by the father's rival. In a sudden flash of insight, he realized that Merlin would always be trying to save the world around him from unfairness, while his father would perpetuate unfairness just because he had power to do so. He remembered the dream about Merlin riding the unicorn claiming that not all magic was evil. It was in that moment that he made his decision. He vowed to himself that he would do everything in his power to protect Merlin even if he was a Dragonlord, even if he was a sorcerer. It didn't matter what his father thought, he knew Merlin well enough to see that there was nothing but goodness in Merlin.
"Merlin, that's nonsense. It was not your fault or your guilt to take on." Arthur voiced instead of what he wanted to say. He would play along. What he had not had confirmed he wouldn't have to lie about to his father.
He leaned closer and spoke barely above a whisper directly into Merlin's ear. "Though it is treason to say it, I fear that my father's hatred for magic and magic users may have cost some innocents their lives this time. If the man were a Dragonlord, why would he want to call a dragon to attack Camelot? He lost his wife and oldest son in the dragon attack. He also lost his business. If he were a Dragonlord, why would he allow that to happen to him if he could call it off? I know that it can't help that family, but I need to think of a way to convince my father that there needs to be more work done checking out the reports of sorcery that are coming in. We cannot appear weak or vulnerable right now, but we cannot slaughter innocent people because of fear or hatred on either my father’s part or that of the people. I fear that if people are beginning to use the laws on magic against others for their own reasons that we might have something on our hands that will destroy the Kingdom as surely as sorcery."
Merlin's head turned toward him as he sat back. In the last dying gasp of light in the painted sky and the firelight, it looked as if Arthur's lips mesmerized Merlin's eyes. After seconds that seemed like time standing still his eyes dragged up to Arthur's and locked for more timeless seconds. Arthur swallowed dryly and licked his lips. At a loud splash in the lake Merlin jerked his eyes toward the water before rolling to his feet and walking to the water's edge, leaving Arthur wondering what had just happened.
The sound of water gently lapping at the shore of the lake combined with the sounds of night insects and the fire snapping almost lulled Arthur into a doze as he sat watching Merlin. Merlin's body seemed as taut as a bowstring as he stood on the shore. After what seemed like hours, Merlin came back to the tree and lowered himself into its embrace near Arthur.
"This is a beautiful place, restful. I can see why you come here." Arthur threw out as a conversational gambit. When Merlin remained quiet, he searched for something else that he could say that would help defuse the tension in the air between them. He was afraid that his usual bag of complaints and quips would break this brittle man before him. It had been quiet for so long that the low voice startled him when it came.
"I come here sometimes when I need to feel close to someone."
Arthur wrinkled his brow and tried to puzzle that out. Merlin seemed to take his silence for encouragement instead of the confusion that it really was and continued without further prompting from Arthur.
"I fell in love with a girl in Camelot."
Arthur felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. Merlin in love? When could this have happened? How did he not know? Why had Merlin not told him? He felt his eyes widen and his mouth opened, but before his brain had decided what words would fall out of it, Merlin spoke again.
"She was a lovely girl. She was beautiful, smart, and gentle. We could talk for hours. She seemed to understand me. She understood loneliness, too."
Arthur opened his mouth to ask Merlin why he had been shirking his chores to talk to some girl for hours, but was surprised that the words that came out of his mouth of their own accord were, "You feel lonely? People are always surround you. Everyone in Camelot seems to know you and speak to you."
Merlin sighed. "It's different Arthur. When I was growing up in Ealdor, we had to become close to our neighbors for our survival. The whole village was like a big family. When I came here, I was an outsider. I had no more than got here when Uther made me your manservant. As your manservant, I do not really fit in anywhere. The kitchen staff and other servants do not feel that I am one of them. As you constantly remind me, I am not royalty, so I do not fit with them. The Knights treat me well because I am your manservant, but they cannot really become friends with me. Gaius is the only person that I have really been able to talk to since I came until I met Freya."
"You can talk to me." Arthur could not manage to keep the indignant tone out of his voice. He heard a soft puff that he was sure was Merlin snorting, but chose to ignore it. "Well, you can. I have told you that if I weren't a Prince that I think we could be the very best of friends."
"But you are a Prince, so I guess you can't be and she was like me in a way. We both lived in a world where we didn't really fit in anywhere."
Arthur felt himself frowning at that, but kept silent.
"She had been cursed by a sorcerer. The curse was killing her. She was such a wonderful caring person and she had to live with the fact that the curse made her become something awful that hurt people. She tried to control it, but she couldn't all the time."
"Merlin, you idiot?" Arthur winced at the loudness of his voice. “You should have come to get me to protect you,” he managed in a softer voice.
"No, she was never dangerous when I was around. She would disappear when the curse turned her so that she would never hurt me."
"So what happened? Is she here somewhere? Does she come to meet you? Are you waiting for her to show up? Are we waiting for a dangerous cursed creature?" Arthur's hand seemed to reach to check for his sword of its own volition.
The silence drew out again until Arthur thought that Merlin was not going to answer. Finally, he heard the answer spoken so softly that he could almost believe that it was a thought instead of spoken.
"Sh--She died."
It suddenly felt hard for Arthur to swallow as more of the puzzle that was Merlin fell into place. Luckily, it seemed that since Merlin had started he could not stop, so he just listened quietly. He had been trying to get Merlin to talk for months; he was not going to interrupt him now.
"I was going to take her away and try to find the sorcerer that cursed her to cure her or find someone else that could. I did not have time. She died before I could get her away."
Again, Arthur felt that as a fist punch in the stomach. He forgot that he was not going to interrupt. "You were going to leave?" He stopped himself just before 'me' left his mouth, but it hung there in the air between them. "You were going to leave with a dangerous, cursed woman? What about your job?" He winced as he realized that the 'me' was not hanging in the air anymore, but plopped between them.
"Arthur, there are hundreds of servants in your Kingdom that would be happy to take my place."
"But you said that you would be happy to serve me 'till the day you die."
The shadows were heavy, but the firelight provided just enough light for him to see that Merlin's head shot up and his eyes searched for Arthur's own. "I would, I will be happy to serve you 'till the day I die, but you have a whole Kingdom to serve you. She needed someone and she had no one. I had to try to save her and failing that I didn't want her to die alone."
Arthur studied Merlin in the dim firelight and realized that Merlin would have been able to do little else because that was just Merlin. Merlin seemed to have a need to save people. "So the curse killed her before you could leave to seek help?" Arthur prompted quietly.
"No, she was severely injured in her cursed form. I saw it happen. I followed her."
Arthur jumped to his feet in reaction. His voice loud and becoming more high pitched than usual. "You followed an injured, cursed beast? Are you completely crazy? Why would you do something so stupid?"
"Because, she needed me," was the angry comment.
Merlin was silent as Arthur paced back and forth in front of him. Finally, only a bit less angry sounding he said, "If you want to know the rest you need to sit down and stop reacting. It is hard enough to get through. I can't do this if you keep yelling at me."
Even in the shadows cast by the firelight Arthur could see that the brittle look was not only back, but also worse than ever on Merlin's face. He looked like a small puff of wind could shatter him into millions of pieces and blow him away.
Arthur slowly lowered himself into the spot that he had just vacated. "I'm sorry Merlin. It just worries me that you are always putting yourself into danger and you don't even have weapons to use."
"I didn't need weapons, Arthur. She was so badly hurt that she changed back into a woman before I got there."
Arthur bit his lip to hold on to the words he wanted to say this time as Merlin continued.
"She had told me that she grew up in a beautiful place overlooking the water. She had always wanted to go back or to find a place on the water that beautiful to live. I had found this place one day, not long after I came to Camelot. I felt that she would like it. I brought her here. She did think it was beautiful. She died not long after we got here with a smile on her face and thanking me."
Merlin raised a hand to his face, probably to wipe away tears. Arthur felt weepy himself so he could not fault Merlin if his memories wee making him cry. He remained silent simply because he did not know what to say.
"There used to be an old abandoned boat on the shore near here. It had a hole in one end. I laid her into the boat, filled it with sticks and twigs from the forest, and piled in all the wildflowers I could find. I lit a fire in the boat and pushed it away from the shore. It got a distance from the shore right over there before it burned and sank."
Arthur followed the direction of Merlin's pointing finger as Merlin stared as if he could see the burning boat still. "I stayed all night watching that spot. Now, when things are bothering me, I come out here. It's lovely and relaxing here and I feel that I can still talk to Freya about the things that bother me even though she can no longer answer me."
Arthur felt a pang of jealousy and a bit hurt that Merlin did not feel that he could talk to him. They both sat in the quiet, broken only by the water lapping, the fire snapping, and night insects and birds. Arthur picked up a small stick and started dragging it through the dirt making pictures that he could not even see as he thought.
"You know Merlin. I understand about being different and not fitting in, about being lonely."
Merlin snorted, but did not reply.
"I do." He propped his legs up and hugged his arms around them while resting his chin on his knees. "Being a Prince sets me apart from everyone else. People bow to me and do what I want or what they think I want because I am the Prince. They tell me what they think I want to hear. Everyone wants something from me or is afraid of me because of the power that I have over them. It sets me apart. The Knights are of necessity comrades, a sort of brotherhood, but as their leader, I am not one of them either. I have never really had a friend, someone that I could really talk to that didn't look up to me or want something from me."
He paused, raised his eyes to Merlin, and waited until Merlin raised his own head and found his eyes in the dim firelight. He swallowed and forced himself to do something he had never done before, something that went against all his training since he was a small child. He became vulnerable before another person. "Until you."
Immediately Arthur felt that he had to cover his vulnerability and started talking. "You came crashing into my life and before you found out that I was the Prince you challenged me. Even after you learned I was the Prince, you still challenged me. I have never really been the Prince to you. I have just been Arthur. I think that growing up in Ealdor, in a Kingdom that does not have good overseers, learning to depend on each other made you very different from the people that I am used to being around. It made you not see me in the same way they do.”
"No, you're a prat. That makes me not see you in the same way that everyone else does." Arthur could hear Merlin's smile in the retort and was relieved to escape a situation that was quickly becoming uncomfortable.
"I think we need to bed down now and get some sleep." Arthur matched his words to action by standing to pull his cloak around him. As Merlin banked the fire for the night, Arthur sat down in the embrace of the tree and waited.
"No." Arthur stopped Merlin as he was about lie face to feet. "This is too close for sleeping with boots on. I do not relish waking up to a kick in the face when you dream and you have no bedroll to keep away the chill. There is no one here, so come here and share the warmth of the cloak." Arthur spread the cloak and indicated the space between his stretched out legs.
Merlin sat with his back toward Arthur's chest without touching. Arthur settled the cloak around him then pulled him back to rest against his chest, much as he had done in Ealdor. Merlin sat stiffly. "Relax, will you." Arthur told him.
Arthur was about ready to dose off when Merlin spoke softly. "Arthur, since I seem to be confessing tonight there is one other thing that I need to confess. There's something about me that you need to know. I have wanted to tell you for a long time, but I have been afraid. I'll understand if you feel that I have betrayed you." Arthur could feel the tension rolling off Merlin.
Something about Merlin's voice immediately put Arthur on alert. Joy and fear were at war inside him as he realized that Merlin was about to tell him that he was a sorcerer or a Dragonlord or both. He realized with Merlin's willingness to remove that last barrier between them and tell him the truth that Merlin trusted him with his life. He didn't know what to do with the feelings that suddenly poured through him. He realized that he had never felt closer to anyone in his life, but he was also confused. Deciding to deal with his confusing feelings later, he quickly reached out and gently put his hand over Merlin's mouth before he could utter another word because suddenly he knew what must be. "I have my suspicions about what you want to tell me Merlin and I know all I need to know right now. We won't speak of this as long as my father is alive. If you still feel the need you may tell me then."
Arthur felt Merlin's body relax somewhat, then Merlin looked over his shoulder at Arthur with a look between puzzlement and relief. Before any words could be spoken Arthur could not help but bend those few inches necessary and lay his mouth against Merlin's. Arthur would not really call it a kiss it was more of a promise, an oath between them.
"Get some sleep. Tomorrow we need to figure out how to salvage the situation in Camelot."
Merlin did not reply, but his body relaxed against Arthur and they both slept.
The next morning they finished off the bread Arthur had brought and Arthur swung Merlin up in front of him in the still chilled air so that he might share the warmth of the cloak. The towers of Camelot were visible much sooner than he wanted them to be and he let Merlin down from the saddle before leaving the cover of the woods. As unpredictable as Uther was right now he was afraid he might have Merlin executed for enchanting him if they had been seen riding into Camelot on the same horse.
Part Seven
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Arthur was standing behind a tree waiting. He had sent Merlin ahead to flush out whatever animal they heard tromping around in the woods ahead of them so that he might shoot it. When the beast did not run in his direction and Merlin did not call, Arthur cautiously crept forward to see what was going on. That is when he saw Merlin riding a unicorn, leaning over to stroke its neck and speak in its ear in a low voice.
It was at that moment that he heard someone yelling, "Sorcerer!" from the other side of the clearing.
He looked up and saw his father pointing and yelling. "Kill him, he is a sorcerer. Sorcerers are all evil. Kill him before he turns on us."
Arthur looked back at Merlin to see him still sitting astride the unicorn, rubbing its neck with one of his all-over-the-face smiles that rival the sun in brightness. "Look Arthur. It is magical, but it is only beautiful and good. Don't you see? Evil comes from the heart, not from magic."
Gaius appeared on the other side of the clearing, yelling to be heard above his father. "Only someone completely pure of heart and innocent can ride a unicorn. Only the purest. Completely pure."
Arthur looked from Gaius to his father then to Merlin.
"Trust me Arthur; there is no evil in magic. Come pet it, Ar..."
Suddenly there was a bolt sticking through Merlin's chest with red blooming all around it and Merlin was toppling from the unicorn as Arthur screamed and ran toward him. The faster Arthur tried to run the slower and further away he seemed to get.
He heard his father screaming, "Sorcerer. He must die. All sorcerers are evil."
Arthur was still running toward Merlin trying to go faster, but not getting any closer.
Then Arthur began yelling at his father, "No, all magic is not evil. He is pure of heart or he could not touch a unicorn. You cannot kill him. Don’t you understand that all magic isn’t evil?" He looked up at the unicorn. "You are magic, don't let him die. Save him, there is no evil in him."
"Treason" his father screamed. "The evil sorcerer has turned you against me."
"No, I have simply turned to one with a purer heart to teach me."
Arthur awoke in a panic, heart racing as he looked toward Merlin to see if the man was stirring. He lay there listening, but did not hear a sound other than the sound of his own heart. As he began to relax, he realized that it was a dream that had awakened him. It was the dream about Merlin and the unicorn again. Why did he keep having that dream? He tried to remember as much as he could, hoping to grasp at a meaning.
It surprised him that in the dream he had chosen Merlin over his father when forced to make a choice. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he realized that was exactly the position he was in. If Merlin were a sorcerer, as he feared, then he would have to make a choice. Until that moment, he would have never believed that there was a choice. It had always seemed so clear-cut to him what was right and where his loyalties should lie. Watching Uther's hatred for sorcery cloud his judgment until the mere mention of sorcery, or even something different that might prove to be sorcery, had him executing people indiscriminately before giving people a trial, had him questioning that all his father’s ways were right. Arthur was sure that there were some that had used Uther's hatred to get rid of people that stood in their way or that they had a hatred for without soiling their own hands. That, he thought, was as evil as what his father feared sorcery was. It seemed that evil raised its ugly head with or without sorcery. When he allowed himself to think about the problem of sorcery in Camelot with the perspective of distance, he could see that his father had set up a cycle with the purge. His father killed sorcerers, their families and friends pitted themselves against Uther, and even Arthur, in revenge. How long would it be before they got smart and banded together instead of coming one at a time? Could Camelot withstand an attack of sorcerers in number when they had no magic of their own to defend them? Uther might have been lucky enough to defeat the sorcerers up until now, but Arthur knew that with every killing the numbers against them increased. If Gaius was to be believed, they already had a powerful sorcerer in their midst secretly protecting them. With Merlin, there could be two. Unless... Don't be ridiculous Arthur, he thought, there is no way that Merlin could be that protector, the one to stand by your side as you become King. Glancing at the shape in the darkness that was Merlin, he felt a thrill run through him to imagine Merlin with a great deal of power, standing by him as an equal. It was a bit surprising to realize that he longed for that to be the truth, for he did not know of anyone in Camelot that he would rather have by his side through life. Arthur decided that he loved his father and wished to remain loyal to him, but wondered if his father's way was the only way. If he found that Merlin had magic, he would indeed have to choose between Merlin and his father. It was a choice he was not ready to make. No matter what his father said, Arthur could not believe that Merlin had evil in him. Arthur was beginning to realize that the hatred of magic was beginning to eat at his father so that his decisions were sometimes questionable.
When the sun began to paint the horizon with faint colors Arthur was still struggling with his thoughts. He got up, picked up his boots and weapons and quietly left the house. Putting his boots on outside, he headed for the small wooded area on the edge of Ealdor to hunt for some meat for Merlin’s broth and perhaps clear his head. When he returned with a brace of rabbits later that morning the only conclusion that had come to was that he would protect Merlin in whatever way he could, even from his own father.
* * * * *
Arthur continued to spend a bit of time each day outside with Constantine, giving Hunith a bit of time alone with an improving Merlin. Since one of Constantine's favorite things to play was Knight, they spent a lot of time fighting with their stick 'swords'. The villagers began to drift around while they were 'fighting' to cheer Constantine on. When one of the villagers kept taunting Arthur, he invited him to a 'duel' with their sticks. Arthur was both surprised and pleased to see that the man had improved greatly since the time he, Morgana, and Gwen had come to help the villagers fight off the bandits with Merlin. When the villagers informed him they took any opportunity they could to practice the things that he had taught them on his last visit he was impressed, even when they admitted that they too were usually forced to use sticks, because a lack of proper swords. When they asked if he would practice with them to help them improve even more, he agreed quickly. On the third day after starting the training sessions, Merlin felt well enough to be helped outside to watch. Merlin had even joined in a bit by sword fighting with Constantine from his seated position.
When Arthur was getting a drink of water from the bucket placed in the shade near Merlin, he stooped to correct Constantine's stance a bit. He and Merlin shared a smile over the boy's head. "It looks as if you are building a fine army here." Merlin said.
"I find it almost ironic that when I need to be rebuilding my own troops that I am here in Cenred's Kingdom training his subjects to be better fighters when he is looking for anything to go to war with Camelot over. Someday soon I may be looking down the sword at these men for real."
"Never happen," said a voice behind Arthur. Arthur turned to see Ganis at the water bucket. "Our village might lie in Cenred's Kingdom, but Cenred has no use for us because we are too poor to even pay a tax. We don't even exist to him. Men who don't exist owe no loyalty. If it comes to war my allegiance will be given to the King who does see me and not only acknowledges my existence, but comes to help when there is a need."
Stunned Arthur heard a chorus of agreement all around. He looked to Merlin who smiled at him with a contented smile.
"It might not take as big an army as you think to unite Albion." Merlin seemed to speak randomly minutes later when the men had returned to their practice and Arthur had sank down beside his servant under the tree.
"What are you going on about now Merlin?" Arthur questioned him.
"When other people find out what kind of King you are they may be like the people here and decide to fight with you against their own to become part of your Kingdom." Merlin returned while smiling toward him again.
"Don't be ridiculous Merlin." Arthur said and rose to start back to the men that were still practicing. "It does not work like that."
"It could," he heard Merlin's parting shot as he walked away, "for the right man."
* * * *
Four days later Merlin proclaimed he was strong enough to ride in the wagon back to the village of Ascetir. Hunith had confided in them that she had become much too attached to Constantine to allow him to go to the couple Merlin had originally been planning to ask to raise him and asked if she could keep him. Arthur had immediately informed her that, not only could she keep him, he would be sending funds to help. When Hunith tried to argue that it was not necessary, Arthur reminded her that the boy was a subject of Camelot, thus his responsibility. At the sad look that crossed her face, he reassured her that he would not usurp authority for the boy over her, but it was his wish that the boy train as a Knight when the time came. As she raised her brow and opened her mouth to question him, he assured her that when he was King that everyone would have a chance to be a Knight, not only nobles.
As the cart bounced over the uneven ground toward Ascetir, Arthur realized that Merlin was quiet and that he missed the chatter that Merlin usually kept up on a trip. Searching his mind for a topic of conversation, he started talking about all the nobles that were already angling for positions in his court. He threw in a few funny incidents and even put a funny spin on others just to try to get Merlin to laugh. "So what position have you decided that you want when I am King?" He asked Merlin.
Merlin seemed startled over the question. "I'll be happy to remain your servant. I have already told you that I would be happy to serve you until I die.”
"What kind of ambition is that?" asked Arthur. "Everyone wants to better themselves. Are you telling me that you actually like mucking out my stables?"
"Well, no. I thought mucking out your stables was the stable boys job and you just made me do it when you wanted to be a prat. What I like is being able to help you whenever and however you need. I don't think that will change after you are King."
"But when I am King I will have a host of maids, Pages, guards and others to do all those jobs you do now."
"Oh, I am that valuable am I?" Merlin smirked.
Arthur's brow furrowed as he tried to unravel what Merlin meant.
"If it will take a whole host of people to do what I do by myself now, and mucking the stables besides, that must mean that I am a valuable servant."
Arthur chuckled, "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
Merlin smiled a real Merlin smile at him and it pierced him with how much he had missed that smile over the past months.
"If you cannot be my servant what would you do?" Arthur tried again.
"Whatever you need me to do." Merlin shrugged. "I have no designs on any specific jobs."
"Well, I promised you a reward for saving my life other than being made a servant, what would you like; land, wealth, position?” Arthur pressed on.
Merlin just looked at him for a few minutes with a puzzled look. "Arthur, you know that I am a simple person with simple wants and needs. I have little use for money or vast lands. I am happy the way things are. If I wished for anything at all, it would be that Mother and Constantine are provided for." Suddenly he brightened. "I know, if you really want to give me something defeat Cenred and make Ealdor part of Camelot. That way I will know that they will be fine and protected."
"You want me to give you Ealdor? I guess that could be arranged." Arthur said thoughtfully.
Merlin gave him a strange look. "No, I don't want to be given Ealdor. I simply want you to be their King so it will be a safer place to live. I think everyone in the village wants it, too."
Arthur shook his head as he looked at his manservant. "Merlin, you are a puzzle."
The conversation lagged into comfortable silence. A bit later Arthur glanced over at Merlin to see that he had nodded off to sleep. Arthur still did not think him recovered enough to travel, he tended to doze off several times a day, but Merlin had insisted that he was fine. Arthur raised his hand to the side of Merlin's head and pulled it over onto his shoulder. He only kept his hand there to keep the head from bouncing off he told himself.
* * * * *
Arthur was weary as he, Merlin, and the Knights rode back toward Camelot from Ascetir. Glancing around he was sure that all the men were as weary and disheartened as he was. While he and Merlin had been in Ealdor, the Knights kept busy with burning the bodies of dying children, young adults, a spattering of elderly people, and most of the animals of the village of Ascetir. Arthur dreaded what they would find with they arrived at Camelot. Would it be more of the same thing?
It was nearing sundown and looking like rain might be coming in from the east very soon. They were close enough that he thought they would be able to make it by the time darkness fell. Even if caught by darkness before they reached home, they were in familiar territory now and he could find his way even in the dark. If the rain caught them, he would rather be riding into Camelot wet than sleeping in the rain tonight. He planned to spend the night in his own soft bed after a hot bath to scrub the dirt and smell of the past few days from his skin.
Swiping the hair from his eyes that a sudden gust of wind had blown into his face he looked at Merlin intending to tell him to prepare him a bath as soon as they were home and saw that Merlin looked worse than he felt. Arthur had delayed the departure from Ascetir for a couple days to allow Merlin to regain some of his strength. It was probably a good thing. Merlin had started getting sick to his stomach again. Arthur had gone hunting and made broth that he had fed him every couple of hours in hopes to keep his strength up. As soon as Merlin had announced that he no longer felt sick to is stomach Arthur made plans to leave the next morning, hoping to arrive in Camelot before the day was over.
Feeling a moment of compassion for his manservant that his father would berate him severely for should he ever suspect it, he decided to not say anything. He would find a castle servant to bring him water when they got back to Camelot and give Merlin a chance to get to bed early, also.
"I thought we had left that stench behind." One of the Knights behind Arthur said, jerking him out of his thoughts.
Arthur realized that the towers of his father’s castle were within sight now and the smell of burning flesh was in the air. "They must be losing people and animals in Camelot as they did in Ascetir," spoke another Knight.
Almost as one, they were urging their tired horses forward as fast as they dared, fearful for loved ones. Thankfully, the wind had picked up enough behind them that it was blowing the smell away from them and making it a bit easier to draw a breath.
A short while that felt like hours later, they galloped through the gates of Camelot. Arthur was dismounting and throwing his reins to a stable boy before his horse had come to a complete stop. He took off in a run toward the castle. Merlin quickly dismounted to follow. About halfway to the castle door someone called Arthur's name. He turned to see Leon striding toward him.
Arthur reached out to clasp Leon in a double-handed handshake. "My father?" He asked.
A brief frown crossed Leon's face before he answered. "He seems well, but he is acting...strangely. There have been several people burned for sorcery since you have been gone based on accusations with little proof to back them up. Some of us suspect that at least one of those executed was unjustly accused because of an ongoing quarrel with a neighbor."
“Burned?” Arthur was confused. “He stopped using the pyre before we left and I thought that Gaius had made Father realize that the people were suffering an illness," Arthur told the Knight.
"As more people and animals died everyone has been in a frenzy." Leon told him. "Gaius was able to convince him for a time, but as more people were afflicted there were more and more accusations. Only today he burned a whole family, including an infant, because of claims that the man was a Dragonlord without even asking for proof."
"A whole family?" Merlin squeaked in a horrified voice. Arthur was so disturbed himself that he forgot to chastise Merlin for speaking out of turn. He wondered if his face was as pale and his eyes as wide as Merlin's before he managed to win a hard fought battle for control of his features. Seeing Merlin made him remember how ill his servant had been lately.
"Merlin, you are dismissed for the night. Get something to eat and some sleep."
At that moment, the doors of the castle opened and Uther swept through them. "Arthur," he called and started quickly down the steps with a smile on his face. When he reached Arthur, he swept him into a one armed hug, armor and all.
"Any word of Morgana, son?"
"No, Father. We have been helping in the village of Ascetir where they have had a heavy death toll among the villagers and animals. There was no information on Morgana there.
Uther's face immediately fell and he seemed to lose several inches in height suddenly.
"I was so hoping that you would find her this time." Uther turned and started to walk away, then seemed to remember Arthur was there and tuned back to him. "Go ahead and get some food then and we will discuss any reports that you have in the morning."
"Yes, Father." Arthur began to walk away. "Goodnight, Father."
"Goodnight, Arthur. It's good to have you home again, son." It was almost like an afterthought.
Arthur walked into his room and looked longingly at the bed before groaning and collapsing into a chair. It was almost too dark to see since he had sent Merlin to his own bed without lighting candles or a fire. Hopefully there was a servant nearby that he could call to attend him. Food would be nice, hot water for a bath even better, and most of all he needed to get up and remove his armor before he fell asleep in his chair wearing it, but he did not want to move. He also did not want to think about what seemed to have been happening in Camelot while they had been gone or the fact that Uther had only asked about Morgana, as if that had been the purpose of their trip to Ascetir, nor the disappointment that was on his father's face when he learned that they had not found her. What was his father thinking by using mass burnings again? As Arthur sat there, it was as if the edge of darkness had befallen his mind and spirit, as well as the land.
Wishing that he had a full wineskin to bring about oblivion, Arthur decided that he would settle for someone to light some candles and get him out of his armor.
As if in answer to his wish, there was a knock at his door.
"Sire, I am here to get you out of your armour." A voice on the other side of the door called.
"Enter." Arthur called back.
"Sire, why are you sitting here in the dark with no fire?" Not waiting for an answer the boy walked back out the door. Arthur's face had not had time to form a complete frown of confusion when he came back into the room clutching a burning rush in his free hand. He sat the tankard he held on the table in front of Arthur.
"Ale," he explained and began using the rush to light the candles in the candelabra on the table. "Merlin stopped me and told me you could use some wine, but this was all I could find tonight.”
"He asked that some food and hot water for a bath be brought up for you, but I thought you might like the ale while you wait," the boy walked around the room lighting the other candles as he explained.
Arthur felt warmth suffuse him that, as tired and ill as Merlin was, he had arranged things for Arthur's comfort.
The boy finished lighting the candles and used the rush to light the wood already laid in the fireplace. "I can remove your armour now if you are ready, Sire."
Arthur sat there while the boy unfastened his armour and removed it piece by piece. After putting chainmail down on one end of the table there was another knock on the door. A girl brought a tray in and placed the food in front of his chair on the table.
“Water has been ordered for your bath Sire, shall I stay to prepare you?"
"No, you may both go." They gave Arthur a bow and a curtsy before the two servants turned and left him. He decided that he did not like well-trained impersonal servants attending him.
* * * * *
Arthur slouched at the table in his room and stared out the window. He was completely ignoring the papers that his father had given him to look over that showed what had been going on in Camelot while they had been gone. He had been shocked to learn how many Uther had executed for sorcery. There were several more awaiting sentencing. Perhaps the most shocking of all was to find that not only had Uther executed an infant the day before, but also there was a four-year-old girl in the dungeon. He was glad that he had insisted that Merlin stay behind to do his chores then see if Gaius needed him for a while. He knew that Merlin took all executions hard, unless they had been flagrant in murdering someone. When it came to the little ones Merlin became almost irrational. Arthur could not help but think of Constantine and be thankful that Merlin was that way.
When Merlin walked in his door without knocking, as usual, he glanced up to see his set, pale face and knew that his servant had heard the news. He started gathering his papers up and stood to walk across the room and lay them on his desk, avoiding Merlin's eyes and hoping to buy himself a bit of time before he had to talk about something that he hadn't even sorted out in his mind yet. His reprieve was short lived.
"How could your father kill children for doing nothing?"
"The father was accused of being a Dragonlord."
"No!" Merlin's emphatic shout startled Arthur to a stop.
Surprised at Merlin's reaction Arthur spoke in a low voice. "There have been rumors since the dragon's attack that a Dragonlord called the dragon down on Camelot."
Merlin left the food that he had been taking off the tray and started pacing from the table to the bed and back. "No. That cannot be true. Gaius." He stopped as if his voice had failed him before trying again. "Gaius said that Balinor was the last Dragonlord. We saw Balinor die." Merlin's voice seemed to give out again and he paced the distance between the table and bed several times before he could continue. Arthur walked to the window and stared out at the courtyard.
"The man they executed can't be a Dragonlord when we watched the last one die.” Merlin continued when he had gotten control of his voice. "Uther killed an innocent man. Moreover, the children. Why did he kill the children? Why kill a little baby? What could a baby be guilty of?" Merlin's was now agitatedly rubbing his hands over his face and through his hair as if he could hardly keep himself from tearing his hair out in hanks.
"My father said that Dragonlord's magic is passed from father to son." Arthur heard a hiss of indrawn breath as he quietly explained all he knew. "As the father died all the children had to be put to death, too, or it would pass through the lineage to the next one all the way down to the infant."
Still grasping his hair, Merlin began muttering under his breath, but Arthur could not understand him. That look that Arthur hated to see was back on his face again.
Arthur was still standing at the window when he heard the door open and close and looked up to find that Merlin was no longer in the room. He lost count of how long he stood there ignoring the food that Merlin had brought, he found that he could do little but stare out the window trying to get control of his swirling thoughts.
He had known that Merlin was going to be upset, especially over the children, but he had not expected him to be this upset. Arthur only hoped that he had gone back to his room and not to Uther. With that thought, Arthur spun on his heel and headed for the door to find Merlin before he got himself executed.
Arthur made sure to swing by his father's chambers first to make sure that Merlin had not gone there. Merlin knew as well as he did that his farther always spent time after lunch in his room getting over the morning and getting ready for the afternoon. When the guard at Uther's door told him that his father had asked not to be disturbed until his afternoon meetings started he felt a bit of relief. Maybe he still had a chance to find Merlin before he managed to get himself killed.
"Is there something I can do for you, Sire?” Gaius seemed a bit surprised to be disturbed when Arthur walked into his rooms.
"I'm looking for Merlin, have you seen him?"
"I thought he was with you, Sire."
"He heard about the family that my father had executed yesterday and was very upset about it." Arthur thought he saw Gaius flinch, but decided he must have just twitched his nose because of the noxious odor coming from whatever he was cutting up.
"He was sure that my father has killed and innocent man and his children. Do you believe that the man Balinor was really the last Dragonlord or do you think that the man my father executed yesterday really did call the dragon to attack Camelot?"
"Balinor was the only Dragonlord that I had heard rumors of still being alive." Gaius answered carefully as if afraid that he would be executed for treason for going against the king. "Until the day before the execution I had never heard of any other Dragonlord. I also have not been able to find any reason that the man would wish Camelot destroyed when his business was one of the ones lost. His wife was also killed."
"That might have been a cover." Arthur was grasping at straws, but he did not want to think that his father had executed a whole family of innocent people. Surely he could not execute four innocent children.
"That is true. True or not, the deed is done and our speculating will not bring them back. If you feel that Merlin might do something to get himself into trouble it might be best if you find him first and get him away from Camelot to calm him down before he does. He has a place that he goes when he is upset. He may have gone there. It is a lake not too far from here. I can give you directions."
In record time, Arthur retrieved his crossbow from the armory while he had his horse saddled, sent a servant after his cloak, and another after a parcel of food. He left a message with his father that he had pressing business that he would discuss when he returned and set out in the direction that Gaius had given him.
Arthur quietly approached the lake where Gaius had sent him. After scouting out the area for a few minutes, he found Merlin slumped amongst the roots of a giant tree growing close to the water. It looked as if high water had washed the soil out around the roots making a natural armchair where Merlin was slouched. Arthur remained quiet, hidden, and just watched Merlin. Merlin appeared to be talking to someone, but Arthur was too far away to hear anything that he was saying. It also looked like he might be crying because he kept wiping his fist under his eyes and occasionally his nose. Arthur found that he could lie down on the soft grass nearby and still see through the growth of weeds to where Merlin was. He decided to lounge there and just keep an eye on Merlin. He did not want to intrude on Merlin in the emotional state that he was in, but he wanted to make sure that he was safe and that he calmed down before he headed back to Camelot.
As the sun started setting Arthur knew that he was going to have to make a decision whether to try to get closer to Merlin so that he could still see him after dark or make his presence known to him and set up a camp for them for the night. Merlin no longer seemed to be talking to anyone. He had settled down for some time now. Arthur decided that he would chance letting Merlin know that he was here and make camp for the night. Maybe Merlin would open up and talk to him now that he seemed to have sorted out his thoughts and feelings. He rose and walked toward Merlin.
"Arthur, what are you doing here? How did you find me? How long have you been here?"
"It's almost dark. We need to get back to the castle or find a good place to stay for the night and gather some firewood. It will probably be cool tonight." Arthur said avoiding the questions.
"The roots of this tree provide pretty good shelter and there is already a fire circle left from a previous fire. If I gather some wood I should be fine here for the night." Merlin was rising even as he spoke. "You can go on back to Camelot. There is no need for you to stay tonight." He moved into the edge of the woods surrounding the lake and Arthur followed.
"I'm staying Merlin. I'll go when you do." Arthur was adamant.
After gathering enough wood for the night, Merlin had a fire going. Arthur had brought his horse closer to tie it up and remove the food and cloak. They ate the cold meat and bread that he had brought with him in silence.
"Do you want to talk?" Arthur finally asked causing Merlin to jump.
"How did you find me?" Merlin asked.
"I searched the castle over and Gaius finally told me that you might have come here."
There was a lengthy silence before Merlin spoke again. "I didn't even realize that Gaius knows I come here when I need to think."
"I'm glad that someone did. It would not have been good to be alone as upset as you were. You might not have seen danger until it was too late. Not to mention that you aren't even armed."
"So how long were you watching over me? Did you hear me ta-- Did you hear what I was saying?"
"I was far enough away to give you your privacy, but close enough to intervene if someone tried to attack you. I'm here now if you want to talk to someone."
Another long drawn out silence greeted that statement before he finally heard Merlin barely above a whisper say, "I can't."
Arthur was surprised to feel hurt at those words. He realized that he trusted Merlin with every part of his life. He had learned that Merlin was a keen observer and was educated as very few peasants were. He had grown accustomed to talking over everything with Merlin. He did not always take Merlin's advice, but just by talking, he usually was able to work things out. It hurt to know that Merlin did not feel the same way.
After a few minutes, Merlin started to speak. His voice was so low that Arthur almost had to lean closer to hear him. "I feel guilty about the family that was burned yesterday."
"You feel guilty? Why would you feel guilty? You were not even here when it happened.”
After a long pause Arthur was about to ask more questions when Merlin continued.
"Balinor," Merlin's voice seemed to fail him and he was quiet for a few seconds before he continued. "Balinor, the Dragonlord, died saving me." Arthur heard a muffled sound much like a sob as Merlin sat looking at the ground as if trying to pull himself back together.
Suddenly Arthur remembered Merlin trying to pull himself together and pretend that he hadn't been crying in much the same way as he held the Dragonlord when Arthur found them after slaying the last of Cenred's men. A thought or a memory started niggling him, but before he could catch more than a glimmer of it Merlin continued.
“One of Cenred's men knocked the sword from my hand and was already swinging toward me while I was still off balance. He swung at the man, but his momentum propelled him into the man's sword." Again, Merlin stopped as if he had to will his voice to go on.
In the quietness Arthur heard another muffled sob and in his mind he heard a quiet "Goodnight, Son" followed by an emotional Merlin saying "Sle...sleep well, Father." Could that have been an actual memory instead of a recurring dream? He remembered Merlin having trouble keeping his emotions in check for days afterward. Merlin had been withdrawn much of the time since then. The picture of Merlin holding Hunith that first morning and both of them crying flashed through his head. Could it be possible that Balinor was Merlin's father? It would answer so many of the questions that Arthur had had about Merlin's strange actions since they started the trip to look for the Dragonlord. No, Merlin had told him that he had never met his father. His father left before he was born. Wait, wasn't that was before they met Balinor? Merlin had acted strangely on the whole trip. Could he have found out that the man he was looking for was his father only to have him die saving his life? He opened his mouth to ask Merlin outright, but that wasn't what came out of his mouth.
"Why do you feel guilty for those people yesterday just because Balinor saved you?" Arthur asked quietly.
Merlin was quiet for a while longer. Arthur stiffened as he realized that if Balinor had been Merlin's father that would make Merlin a Dragonlord. While the shock of that thought was still zinging through his system as if a bolt of lightning had hit him, Merlin continued.
"If he had not died he could have come back to Camelot and gotten rid of the dragon. None of the Knights would have had to die that last night. He would have also known if that man yesterday was a Dragonlord."
As soft as Merlin's heart was Arthur didn't think that was the whole truth. Suddenly he was almost certain that he had figured out the puzzle correctly. It all fell together so perfectly, it had to be true. For a millisecond, he felt disappointment that Merlin was not able to trust him enough to tell him, until reason kicked in and made him realize that Merlin would be crazy to tell the son of the biased King who had executed a whole family yesterday for simply a suspicion created by the father's rival. In a sudden flash of insight, he realized that Merlin would always be trying to save the world around him from unfairness, while his father would perpetuate unfairness just because he had power to do so. He remembered the dream about Merlin riding the unicorn claiming that not all magic was evil. It was in that moment that he made his decision. He vowed to himself that he would do everything in his power to protect Merlin even if he was a Dragonlord, even if he was a sorcerer. It didn't matter what his father thought, he knew Merlin well enough to see that there was nothing but goodness in Merlin.
"Merlin, that's nonsense. It was not your fault or your guilt to take on." Arthur voiced instead of what he wanted to say. He would play along. What he had not had confirmed he wouldn't have to lie about to his father.
He leaned closer and spoke barely above a whisper directly into Merlin's ear. "Though it is treason to say it, I fear that my father's hatred for magic and magic users may have cost some innocents their lives this time. If the man were a Dragonlord, why would he want to call a dragon to attack Camelot? He lost his wife and oldest son in the dragon attack. He also lost his business. If he were a Dragonlord, why would he allow that to happen to him if he could call it off? I know that it can't help that family, but I need to think of a way to convince my father that there needs to be more work done checking out the reports of sorcery that are coming in. We cannot appear weak or vulnerable right now, but we cannot slaughter innocent people because of fear or hatred on either my father’s part or that of the people. I fear that if people are beginning to use the laws on magic against others for their own reasons that we might have something on our hands that will destroy the Kingdom as surely as sorcery."
Merlin's head turned toward him as he sat back. In the last dying gasp of light in the painted sky and the firelight, it looked as if Arthur's lips mesmerized Merlin's eyes. After seconds that seemed like time standing still his eyes dragged up to Arthur's and locked for more timeless seconds. Arthur swallowed dryly and licked his lips. At a loud splash in the lake Merlin jerked his eyes toward the water before rolling to his feet and walking to the water's edge, leaving Arthur wondering what had just happened.
The sound of water gently lapping at the shore of the lake combined with the sounds of night insects and the fire snapping almost lulled Arthur into a doze as he sat watching Merlin. Merlin's body seemed as taut as a bowstring as he stood on the shore. After what seemed like hours, Merlin came back to the tree and lowered himself into its embrace near Arthur.
"This is a beautiful place, restful. I can see why you come here." Arthur threw out as a conversational gambit. When Merlin remained quiet, he searched for something else that he could say that would help defuse the tension in the air between them. He was afraid that his usual bag of complaints and quips would break this brittle man before him. It had been quiet for so long that the low voice startled him when it came.
"I come here sometimes when I need to feel close to someone."
Arthur wrinkled his brow and tried to puzzle that out. Merlin seemed to take his silence for encouragement instead of the confusion that it really was and continued without further prompting from Arthur.
"I fell in love with a girl in Camelot."
Arthur felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. Merlin in love? When could this have happened? How did he not know? Why had Merlin not told him? He felt his eyes widen and his mouth opened, but before his brain had decided what words would fall out of it, Merlin spoke again.
"She was a lovely girl. She was beautiful, smart, and gentle. We could talk for hours. She seemed to understand me. She understood loneliness, too."
Arthur opened his mouth to ask Merlin why he had been shirking his chores to talk to some girl for hours, but was surprised that the words that came out of his mouth of their own accord were, "You feel lonely? People are always surround you. Everyone in Camelot seems to know you and speak to you."
Merlin sighed. "It's different Arthur. When I was growing up in Ealdor, we had to become close to our neighbors for our survival. The whole village was like a big family. When I came here, I was an outsider. I had no more than got here when Uther made me your manservant. As your manservant, I do not really fit in anywhere. The kitchen staff and other servants do not feel that I am one of them. As you constantly remind me, I am not royalty, so I do not fit with them. The Knights treat me well because I am your manservant, but they cannot really become friends with me. Gaius is the only person that I have really been able to talk to since I came until I met Freya."
"You can talk to me." Arthur could not manage to keep the indignant tone out of his voice. He heard a soft puff that he was sure was Merlin snorting, but chose to ignore it. "Well, you can. I have told you that if I weren't a Prince that I think we could be the very best of friends."
"But you are a Prince, so I guess you can't be and she was like me in a way. We both lived in a world where we didn't really fit in anywhere."
Arthur felt himself frowning at that, but kept silent.
"She had been cursed by a sorcerer. The curse was killing her. She was such a wonderful caring person and she had to live with the fact that the curse made her become something awful that hurt people. She tried to control it, but she couldn't all the time."
"Merlin, you idiot?" Arthur winced at the loudness of his voice. “You should have come to get me to protect you,” he managed in a softer voice.
"No, she was never dangerous when I was around. She would disappear when the curse turned her so that she would never hurt me."
"So what happened? Is she here somewhere? Does she come to meet you? Are you waiting for her to show up? Are we waiting for a dangerous cursed creature?" Arthur's hand seemed to reach to check for his sword of its own volition.
The silence drew out again until Arthur thought that Merlin was not going to answer. Finally, he heard the answer spoken so softly that he could almost believe that it was a thought instead of spoken.
"Sh--She died."
It suddenly felt hard for Arthur to swallow as more of the puzzle that was Merlin fell into place. Luckily, it seemed that since Merlin had started he could not stop, so he just listened quietly. He had been trying to get Merlin to talk for months; he was not going to interrupt him now.
"I was going to take her away and try to find the sorcerer that cursed her to cure her or find someone else that could. I did not have time. She died before I could get her away."
Again, Arthur felt that as a fist punch in the stomach. He forgot that he was not going to interrupt. "You were going to leave?" He stopped himself just before 'me' left his mouth, but it hung there in the air between them. "You were going to leave with a dangerous, cursed woman? What about your job?" He winced as he realized that the 'me' was not hanging in the air anymore, but plopped between them.
"Arthur, there are hundreds of servants in your Kingdom that would be happy to take my place."
"But you said that you would be happy to serve me 'till the day you die."
The shadows were heavy, but the firelight provided just enough light for him to see that Merlin's head shot up and his eyes searched for Arthur's own. "I would, I will be happy to serve you 'till the day I die, but you have a whole Kingdom to serve you. She needed someone and she had no one. I had to try to save her and failing that I didn't want her to die alone."
Arthur studied Merlin in the dim firelight and realized that Merlin would have been able to do little else because that was just Merlin. Merlin seemed to have a need to save people. "So the curse killed her before you could leave to seek help?" Arthur prompted quietly.
"No, she was severely injured in her cursed form. I saw it happen. I followed her."
Arthur jumped to his feet in reaction. His voice loud and becoming more high pitched than usual. "You followed an injured, cursed beast? Are you completely crazy? Why would you do something so stupid?"
"Because, she needed me," was the angry comment.
Merlin was silent as Arthur paced back and forth in front of him. Finally, only a bit less angry sounding he said, "If you want to know the rest you need to sit down and stop reacting. It is hard enough to get through. I can't do this if you keep yelling at me."
Even in the shadows cast by the firelight Arthur could see that the brittle look was not only back, but also worse than ever on Merlin's face. He looked like a small puff of wind could shatter him into millions of pieces and blow him away.
Arthur slowly lowered himself into the spot that he had just vacated. "I'm sorry Merlin. It just worries me that you are always putting yourself into danger and you don't even have weapons to use."
"I didn't need weapons, Arthur. She was so badly hurt that she changed back into a woman before I got there."
Arthur bit his lip to hold on to the words he wanted to say this time as Merlin continued.
"She had told me that she grew up in a beautiful place overlooking the water. She had always wanted to go back or to find a place on the water that beautiful to live. I had found this place one day, not long after I came to Camelot. I felt that she would like it. I brought her here. She did think it was beautiful. She died not long after we got here with a smile on her face and thanking me."
Merlin raised a hand to his face, probably to wipe away tears. Arthur felt weepy himself so he could not fault Merlin if his memories wee making him cry. He remained silent simply because he did not know what to say.
"There used to be an old abandoned boat on the shore near here. It had a hole in one end. I laid her into the boat, filled it with sticks and twigs from the forest, and piled in all the wildflowers I could find. I lit a fire in the boat and pushed it away from the shore. It got a distance from the shore right over there before it burned and sank."
Arthur followed the direction of Merlin's pointing finger as Merlin stared as if he could see the burning boat still. "I stayed all night watching that spot. Now, when things are bothering me, I come out here. It's lovely and relaxing here and I feel that I can still talk to Freya about the things that bother me even though she can no longer answer me."
Arthur felt a pang of jealousy and a bit hurt that Merlin did not feel that he could talk to him. They both sat in the quiet, broken only by the water lapping, the fire snapping, and night insects and birds. Arthur picked up a small stick and started dragging it through the dirt making pictures that he could not even see as he thought.
"You know Merlin. I understand about being different and not fitting in, about being lonely."
Merlin snorted, but did not reply.
"I do." He propped his legs up and hugged his arms around them while resting his chin on his knees. "Being a Prince sets me apart from everyone else. People bow to me and do what I want or what they think I want because I am the Prince. They tell me what they think I want to hear. Everyone wants something from me or is afraid of me because of the power that I have over them. It sets me apart. The Knights are of necessity comrades, a sort of brotherhood, but as their leader, I am not one of them either. I have never really had a friend, someone that I could really talk to that didn't look up to me or want something from me."
He paused, raised his eyes to Merlin, and waited until Merlin raised his own head and found his eyes in the dim firelight. He swallowed and forced himself to do something he had never done before, something that went against all his training since he was a small child. He became vulnerable before another person. "Until you."
Immediately Arthur felt that he had to cover his vulnerability and started talking. "You came crashing into my life and before you found out that I was the Prince you challenged me. Even after you learned I was the Prince, you still challenged me. I have never really been the Prince to you. I have just been Arthur. I think that growing up in Ealdor, in a Kingdom that does not have good overseers, learning to depend on each other made you very different from the people that I am used to being around. It made you not see me in the same way they do.”
"No, you're a prat. That makes me not see you in the same way that everyone else does." Arthur could hear Merlin's smile in the retort and was relieved to escape a situation that was quickly becoming uncomfortable.
"I think we need to bed down now and get some sleep." Arthur matched his words to action by standing to pull his cloak around him. As Merlin banked the fire for the night, Arthur sat down in the embrace of the tree and waited.
"No." Arthur stopped Merlin as he was about lie face to feet. "This is too close for sleeping with boots on. I do not relish waking up to a kick in the face when you dream and you have no bedroll to keep away the chill. There is no one here, so come here and share the warmth of the cloak." Arthur spread the cloak and indicated the space between his stretched out legs.
Merlin sat with his back toward Arthur's chest without touching. Arthur settled the cloak around him then pulled him back to rest against his chest, much as he had done in Ealdor. Merlin sat stiffly. "Relax, will you." Arthur told him.
Arthur was about ready to dose off when Merlin spoke softly. "Arthur, since I seem to be confessing tonight there is one other thing that I need to confess. There's something about me that you need to know. I have wanted to tell you for a long time, but I have been afraid. I'll understand if you feel that I have betrayed you." Arthur could feel the tension rolling off Merlin.
Something about Merlin's voice immediately put Arthur on alert. Joy and fear were at war inside him as he realized that Merlin was about to tell him that he was a sorcerer or a Dragonlord or both. He realized with Merlin's willingness to remove that last barrier between them and tell him the truth that Merlin trusted him with his life. He didn't know what to do with the feelings that suddenly poured through him. He realized that he had never felt closer to anyone in his life, but he was also confused. Deciding to deal with his confusing feelings later, he quickly reached out and gently put his hand over Merlin's mouth before he could utter another word because suddenly he knew what must be. "I have my suspicions about what you want to tell me Merlin and I know all I need to know right now. We won't speak of this as long as my father is alive. If you still feel the need you may tell me then."
Arthur felt Merlin's body relax somewhat, then Merlin looked over his shoulder at Arthur with a look between puzzlement and relief. Before any words could be spoken Arthur could not help but bend those few inches necessary and lay his mouth against Merlin's. Arthur would not really call it a kiss it was more of a promise, an oath between them.
"Get some sleep. Tomorrow we need to figure out how to salvage the situation in Camelot."
Merlin did not reply, but his body relaxed against Arthur and they both slept.
The next morning they finished off the bread Arthur had brought and Arthur swung Merlin up in front of him in the still chilled air so that he might share the warmth of the cloak. The towers of Camelot were visible much sooner than he wanted them to be and he let Merlin down from the saddle before leaving the cover of the woods. As unpredictable as Uther was right now he was afraid he might have Merlin executed for enchanting him if they had been seen riding into Camelot on the same horse.
Part Seven