(no subject)
im becomming so obsessed about my weight. its killing me. i dont know why. maybe it was because when i came home i thought i would be happy if i weighed like, 125. i knew i wouldnt be happy, but i would figure at least i didnt gain a shit load of weight since i hadnt been paying attention. i weighed 115. yesterday i weighed 111. fuux. i threw up twice today. just ate something random, felt like puking, did it again cause my stomache hurt so bad cause i was starving and i have been starving myself. stupid. but now i am obsessed with getting down to 100. like, by my birthday. may 18th. 21. and 100lbs. talk about perfect. ill by new pants or something cause none of mine fit anymore. oh well. i know i look skinny. why am i sooo obsessed about it.
the bad thing will be. if i am pregnant. i am scared to death to get pregnant for the sole reason that i cant control my ed. and i dont know how it will effect a life inside of me. i would be the worst person in the world if i killed a baby cause of my own selfishness.
anyways. i now need to think of the best way to loose this weight fast. i figure ill start taking those diet pill shit again. i wont fast. cause i am with my boyfriend all the time, and he pays attention. he makes me eat SOMETHING ill stick to salads. cut oout carbs. i dont know. i mean i know all the damn tricks in the book. so how about i just go and apply some of them to my life. i think i will...
dear... whoever the hell is looking out upon this messed up bullshit world that we love to live in. i cant bare a child right now at this point in my life. please, i beg of you... dont make it soo...
the bad thing will be. if i am pregnant. i am scared to death to get pregnant for the sole reason that i cant control my ed. and i dont know how it will effect a life inside of me. i would be the worst person in the world if i killed a baby cause of my own selfishness.
anyways. i now need to think of the best way to loose this weight fast. i figure ill start taking those diet pill shit again. i wont fast. cause i am with my boyfriend all the time, and he pays attention. he makes me eat SOMETHING ill stick to salads. cut oout carbs. i dont know. i mean i know all the damn tricks in the book. so how about i just go and apply some of them to my life. i think i will...
dear... whoever the hell is looking out upon this messed up bullshit world that we love to live in. i cant bare a child right now at this point in my life. please, i beg of you... dont make it soo...