Who I Am
I like the person I am.
I didn't always like the person I was, and I am somewhat anxious about the person I will one day become. But I like who I am right now.
I like my friends, I like my job, I actually even kinda like this town. I like my dreams and aspirations. I like how I constantly strive to improve my station in life (albeit slowly) and I generally like how I react to stress and obstacles.
And I love Kate. God damn, do I love that girl. She just radiates love and positivity. She genuinely seems to care about everyone, not just herself or her friends or her family, but everyone. She's very compassionate. Probably moreso than I would like to believe I am.
But in the last two years, I've seen all of these couples (comprised of personal friends) break down and then break up. I've watched fights, I've read blogs, I've seen people's faces and I've heard their sober and drunken rants about this bitch and that asshole. I see all these angry 30, 40 and 50-somethings. If not outright angry, then defeated. Visibly angry would be a step up for those people. But watching the defeated... there's truly nothing more depressing to me. People who clearly had a plan at some point in their lives, and somewhere down the line they got de-railed and they've never recovered and they take it out on everyone else.
I am so scared of becoming one of those people. I am terrified of becoming this bitter, resentful man with a shitty marriage and a kid who hates me. It's the only thing in this world I actually get nervous about. That's a lie. I also get nervous that, somewhere in a given crowd of people, there is a telepath and they are listening to my most embarrassing thoughts, and that one night they will troll the blogosphere and publish all of them.
Kate would tell me I'm being silly and that it'll never happen and that we'll always be happy. But how many of my friends told their lovers the same thing? And how many of them truly believed they meant it? How many people across the world are looking into someone's eyes right now and telling that person that they will always love them, never leave them and are LYING to them without even realizing they're doing it?
Kate would say that when I talk about things like this it bothers her. But it shouldn't. Because I do love her. With all of my heart. And I think that being able to recognize a danger, a pitfall, a possibility... I am able to accept the fact that it COULD happen. I am able to look that scenario in the eye and realize that I am not special. We are not special. We're in our early twenties for Christ's sake.
But I know it's there. I don't ignore it. I'm looking at it right now, so that when it makes its move, I'll be ready. I won't let anything tear us apart. I won't let anything tear my life apart, because God damn it, it took me 23 years before I started liking my life and liking who I am. It's like being let out of jail.
I'm never going back.
I didn't always like the person I was, and I am somewhat anxious about the person I will one day become. But I like who I am right now.
I like my friends, I like my job, I actually even kinda like this town. I like my dreams and aspirations. I like how I constantly strive to improve my station in life (albeit slowly) and I generally like how I react to stress and obstacles.
And I love Kate. God damn, do I love that girl. She just radiates love and positivity. She genuinely seems to care about everyone, not just herself or her friends or her family, but everyone. She's very compassionate. Probably moreso than I would like to believe I am.
But in the last two years, I've seen all of these couples (comprised of personal friends) break down and then break up. I've watched fights, I've read blogs, I've seen people's faces and I've heard their sober and drunken rants about this bitch and that asshole. I see all these angry 30, 40 and 50-somethings. If not outright angry, then defeated. Visibly angry would be a step up for those people. But watching the defeated... there's truly nothing more depressing to me. People who clearly had a plan at some point in their lives, and somewhere down the line they got de-railed and they've never recovered and they take it out on everyone else.
I am so scared of becoming one of those people. I am terrified of becoming this bitter, resentful man with a shitty marriage and a kid who hates me. It's the only thing in this world I actually get nervous about. That's a lie. I also get nervous that, somewhere in a given crowd of people, there is a telepath and they are listening to my most embarrassing thoughts, and that one night they will troll the blogosphere and publish all of them.
Kate would tell me I'm being silly and that it'll never happen and that we'll always be happy. But how many of my friends told their lovers the same thing? And how many of them truly believed they meant it? How many people across the world are looking into someone's eyes right now and telling that person that they will always love them, never leave them and are LYING to them without even realizing they're doing it?
Kate would say that when I talk about things like this it bothers her. But it shouldn't. Because I do love her. With all of my heart. And I think that being able to recognize a danger, a pitfall, a possibility... I am able to accept the fact that it COULD happen. I am able to look that scenario in the eye and realize that I am not special. We are not special. We're in our early twenties for Christ's sake.
But I know it's there. I don't ignore it. I'm looking at it right now, so that when it makes its move, I'll be ready. I won't let anything tear us apart. I won't let anything tear my life apart, because God damn it, it took me 23 years before I started liking my life and liking who I am. It's like being let out of jail.
I'm never going back.