Sloth, Apathy, Guilt, Analysis
I think the reason I've been lazy lately is not simply because I've been worn out from work. When I want to, I can find the energy to do just about anything.
I find myself counting every tiny little chore I accomplish in my off time in an attempt to not feel guilty about spending the majority of my weekend playing video games.
Old video games that I beat years ago.
In college there were all these little challenges. New challenges every week. Both academic AND social. But these challenges were forced on me. I had to pass these challenges in order to obtain something that I felt I absolutely needed: my Bachelor's Degree. And I had to pass the social challenges in order to obtain other things I felt I absolutely needed (and still feel that I absolutely need): namely a core group of friends and a girlfriend. The Degree was just a means to an end: namely a decent job that would pay the bills and a bit more besides.
I got my friends. I got my degree. My girlfriend. My job. My apartment. My life.
I don't feel challenged anymore. I feel the way I felt when I beat Fable 2's storyline: "Awesome. Well, that was fun, and this is still pretty cool... but now what? There's nothing pressing left. What's left to do? I guess I have to make my own fun."
And that's the thing. All the challenges that I faced and overcame were challenges that were, essentially, forced upon me. I had almost nothing to do with them. And you could argue that I wasn't so much forced to overcome these challenges as I was EXPECTED to by society. But it was exciting. Meeting new people, going to parties, gatherings, functions, completing assignments, studying for exams, working on month-long projects, experimenting with drugs and alcohol (sometimes I wish I'd spent more time doing that and less studying for exams).
Even when I got fired from the TV station and had to scramble to find a job. I wasn't thrilled about that. But it sent me into a frenzy. It was a challenge. A task. I had an objective. Something that I absolutely HAD to do.
Now I feel like I have nothing new that I absolutely HAVE to do. Sure, I need to put forth SOME effort to maintain my relationships, my health, my job, my finances, my home... but there aren't any more big quests that I HAVE to go on. There aren't any more life or death situations. There aren't any quests or tasks except the ones I impose on myself. And there is something liberating about that. I don't exactly MISS the feeling of "Holy shit, I HAVE to do this, or else I'll fail this class or my parents will hate me or I'll have to LIVE with my parents for the rest of my life or I'll never get the girl..." ad infinitum.
And I should pat myself on the back for everything I went through and survived. I should be happy with how hard I worked to get where I am. I'm happy. I'm comfortable.
I'm fucking bored out of my mind.
Ostensibly, the solution is fairly simple: just create new tasks and quests for myself. I can still play the game... it's just that I have to create the game first. And while that can be fun... and while that is what I told myself I always wanted to do... I mean, Jesus, THAT'S what kept me going in college! The thought that, some day, no one will tell me what I have to do anymore. I'll be the only one steering my ship. Now I'm steering it, and the problem isn't that I don't have a destination in mind: it's that, after where I've been and what I've seen and what I've been through... it all seems pointless. I mean, what do I want? To go BACK to those feelings of desperation and fear? To revisit that land of paranoia and sleepless nights?
I think I need to get out more.
I find myself counting every tiny little chore I accomplish in my off time in an attempt to not feel guilty about spending the majority of my weekend playing video games.
Old video games that I beat years ago.
In college there were all these little challenges. New challenges every week. Both academic AND social. But these challenges were forced on me. I had to pass these challenges in order to obtain something that I felt I absolutely needed: my Bachelor's Degree. And I had to pass the social challenges in order to obtain other things I felt I absolutely needed (and still feel that I absolutely need): namely a core group of friends and a girlfriend. The Degree was just a means to an end: namely a decent job that would pay the bills and a bit more besides.
I got my friends. I got my degree. My girlfriend. My job. My apartment. My life.
I don't feel challenged anymore. I feel the way I felt when I beat Fable 2's storyline: "Awesome. Well, that was fun, and this is still pretty cool... but now what? There's nothing pressing left. What's left to do? I guess I have to make my own fun."
And that's the thing. All the challenges that I faced and overcame were challenges that were, essentially, forced upon me. I had almost nothing to do with them. And you could argue that I wasn't so much forced to overcome these challenges as I was EXPECTED to by society. But it was exciting. Meeting new people, going to parties, gatherings, functions, completing assignments, studying for exams, working on month-long projects, experimenting with drugs and alcohol (sometimes I wish I'd spent more time doing that and less studying for exams).
Even when I got fired from the TV station and had to scramble to find a job. I wasn't thrilled about that. But it sent me into a frenzy. It was a challenge. A task. I had an objective. Something that I absolutely HAD to do.
Now I feel like I have nothing new that I absolutely HAVE to do. Sure, I need to put forth SOME effort to maintain my relationships, my health, my job, my finances, my home... but there aren't any more big quests that I HAVE to go on. There aren't any more life or death situations. There aren't any quests or tasks except the ones I impose on myself. And there is something liberating about that. I don't exactly MISS the feeling of "Holy shit, I HAVE to do this, or else I'll fail this class or my parents will hate me or I'll have to LIVE with my parents for the rest of my life or I'll never get the girl..." ad infinitum.
And I should pat myself on the back for everything I went through and survived. I should be happy with how hard I worked to get where I am. I'm happy. I'm comfortable.
I'm fucking bored out of my mind.
Ostensibly, the solution is fairly simple: just create new tasks and quests for myself. I can still play the game... it's just that I have to create the game first. And while that can be fun... and while that is what I told myself I always wanted to do... I mean, Jesus, THAT'S what kept me going in college! The thought that, some day, no one will tell me what I have to do anymore. I'll be the only one steering my ship. Now I'm steering it, and the problem isn't that I don't have a destination in mind: it's that, after where I've been and what I've seen and what I've been through... it all seems pointless. I mean, what do I want? To go BACK to those feelings of desperation and fear? To revisit that land of paranoia and sleepless nights?
I think I need to get out more.