(no subject)
Not that long ago Mike made a comment to me about how I must be so disappointed, that I got neither the boyfriend nor the cat that I wanted. It was an offhand remark, but it settled deep into my psyche. I'm not always as grateful as I should be, nor am I as accepting as the world around me needs me to be. I expect people to be accepting of me, in all my glorious imperfectness, and yet I refuse to give the same acceptance, particularly to those closest to me.
Mike was referring to the fact that Quinn is not a cuddly kitty. She doesn't like to be picked up or held. She tolerates petting. Occasionally she'll position herself to receive some physical affection, but it's only in the time and place that she dictates, which are few and far between. Would I like to be able to snuggle her? Absolutely. Am I disappointed in her? Not at all. Sure, I'd like more affection and it can be frustrating when I feel the need to reach out to her and she ducks away from my outstretched hand then runs down the hall. But I love her. I love that she follows me from room to room, often napping in the corner just to be near by. That is her way of showing affection. She's hilarious and beautiful and such a good good kitty, there's no way I could wish she was any different than the way she is.
Why can't I extend that same understanding and love to the humans that are nearest and dearest to me??
Lessons I've learned from my cat. There are a lot of them.
But I texted Mike this morning to tell him that my non-snuggly kitty has spent every single night since he left us curled up and pressed tightly against the back of my knees. It's a king sized bed Quinn and I now share, with plenty of room for both of us (and more!), yet she insists on touching me as she sleeps. It makes it difficult to roll over, but I really don't mind. Her presence is a comfort. She always used to stay in the bedroom in the mornings until I got up, which she still does, but now when I sit up in bed she will crawl into my lap and purr loudly while I pet her. My independent Little Love has become a lap cat after all! On occasion at least. And I'm more than happy to slide my iPad away and spend an extra 5 minutes in bed just to have that time with her.
Last night Jade gave me a massage. As I was laying on the table I was surprised when Quinn came under the face hole and stood up so her wet nose bumped into mine. She repeated it a second time a bit later on. She seemed unsure of what was going on and wanted to check on me. Soooooo freaking cute! She's such a blessing, such a source of joy and comfort. I'm incredibly happy I have her.
There were so many adorable moments that Mike, Quinn and I shared, particularly during the first few months we had her. It makes me sad that our little family is no longer together, and that I will have to recall those moments and memories on my own, without anyone to share them with.
Not that I can't share them with Mike. He and I have had two text conversations this week, just a quick catch up on life and how things are going. It feels a little easier. And I can see that maybe in the not too distant future he and I will indeed be able to be friends. Spend some time together and enjoy each other's company without the emotional drama and expectations that neither of us were able to meet. He can be himself, and I can be myself, and we'll do things together that we both enjoy, and then both walk away to live the other parts of our lives. It's kind of a nice prospect, I hope we can make it a reality.
Things have been getting better, I suppose. It still hurts like hell, but I don't cry any more, and I haven't had a melt down since that last Sunday. It's sad and I wish things were different, but I'm really focusing on being open to whatever is next. Not seeing or hearing from him very often actually helps. Turbo Gabe was a great distraction (although he's already faded away and I don't expect to see or hear much from him again), and I'm opening my eyes and heart to seeing and accepting the possibilities that are out there.
However I've been extremely unproductive. I work, I sleep 9-10 hours a night, and the only other things I accomplish are completely necessary. Hobbies, To Do lists and even my business homework have all gone untouched. I feel guilty about it, but Sonja reassured me this morning that things will click back into place and my productivity will sky rocket. I'm still healing. Obviously. It's hard.
And much to my surprise, I'm starting to look forward to dating again. Not the insecurity that comes with having to get to know someone, but strangely the challenge is exciting. I'll take that feeling, I doubt it will last long! I think I'm intrigued by the possible adventures that could occur from being with someone new. I remembered this morning that during our Thanksgiving night I'd mentioned to Darian that I want to have a sweet kitted out van so I can drive around the country, having a bunch of adventures, and him agreeing wholeheartedly that it was a great idea! How amazing will that be, one day, when I can turn to my partner and go, "I have this idea, what do you think?" And he'll respond, "It sounds like an adventure, let's make it happen!" Ah, be still my beating heart!!!
There is hope. There is light. There is a bigger and broader life to be lived!!!!!
Mike was referring to the fact that Quinn is not a cuddly kitty. She doesn't like to be picked up or held. She tolerates petting. Occasionally she'll position herself to receive some physical affection, but it's only in the time and place that she dictates, which are few and far between. Would I like to be able to snuggle her? Absolutely. Am I disappointed in her? Not at all. Sure, I'd like more affection and it can be frustrating when I feel the need to reach out to her and she ducks away from my outstretched hand then runs down the hall. But I love her. I love that she follows me from room to room, often napping in the corner just to be near by. That is her way of showing affection. She's hilarious and beautiful and such a good good kitty, there's no way I could wish she was any different than the way she is.
Why can't I extend that same understanding and love to the humans that are nearest and dearest to me??
Lessons I've learned from my cat. There are a lot of them.
But I texted Mike this morning to tell him that my non-snuggly kitty has spent every single night since he left us curled up and pressed tightly against the back of my knees. It's a king sized bed Quinn and I now share, with plenty of room for both of us (and more!), yet she insists on touching me as she sleeps. It makes it difficult to roll over, but I really don't mind. Her presence is a comfort. She always used to stay in the bedroom in the mornings until I got up, which she still does, but now when I sit up in bed she will crawl into my lap and purr loudly while I pet her. My independent Little Love has become a lap cat after all! On occasion at least. And I'm more than happy to slide my iPad away and spend an extra 5 minutes in bed just to have that time with her.
Last night Jade gave me a massage. As I was laying on the table I was surprised when Quinn came under the face hole and stood up so her wet nose bumped into mine. She repeated it a second time a bit later on. She seemed unsure of what was going on and wanted to check on me. Soooooo freaking cute! She's such a blessing, such a source of joy and comfort. I'm incredibly happy I have her.
There were so many adorable moments that Mike, Quinn and I shared, particularly during the first few months we had her. It makes me sad that our little family is no longer together, and that I will have to recall those moments and memories on my own, without anyone to share them with.
Not that I can't share them with Mike. He and I have had two text conversations this week, just a quick catch up on life and how things are going. It feels a little easier. And I can see that maybe in the not too distant future he and I will indeed be able to be friends. Spend some time together and enjoy each other's company without the emotional drama and expectations that neither of us were able to meet. He can be himself, and I can be myself, and we'll do things together that we both enjoy, and then both walk away to live the other parts of our lives. It's kind of a nice prospect, I hope we can make it a reality.
Things have been getting better, I suppose. It still hurts like hell, but I don't cry any more, and I haven't had a melt down since that last Sunday. It's sad and I wish things were different, but I'm really focusing on being open to whatever is next. Not seeing or hearing from him very often actually helps. Turbo Gabe was a great distraction (although he's already faded away and I don't expect to see or hear much from him again), and I'm opening my eyes and heart to seeing and accepting the possibilities that are out there.
However I've been extremely unproductive. I work, I sleep 9-10 hours a night, and the only other things I accomplish are completely necessary. Hobbies, To Do lists and even my business homework have all gone untouched. I feel guilty about it, but Sonja reassured me this morning that things will click back into place and my productivity will sky rocket. I'm still healing. Obviously. It's hard.
And much to my surprise, I'm starting to look forward to dating again. Not the insecurity that comes with having to get to know someone, but strangely the challenge is exciting. I'll take that feeling, I doubt it will last long! I think I'm intrigued by the possible adventures that could occur from being with someone new. I remembered this morning that during our Thanksgiving night I'd mentioned to Darian that I want to have a sweet kitted out van so I can drive around the country, having a bunch of adventures, and him agreeing wholeheartedly that it was a great idea! How amazing will that be, one day, when I can turn to my partner and go, "I have this idea, what do you think?" And he'll respond, "It sounds like an adventure, let's make it happen!" Ah, be still my beating heart!!!
There is hope. There is light. There is a bigger and broader life to be lived!!!!!