Upwards and onwards

Oct 05, 2013 10:57


Yesterday was a bit better. The talk with Stevie has really helped me have a clearer perspective on this, and while it still hurts like hell, it also feels like maybe a scab is starting to form, like the wound isn't quite so raw.

I had coffee (Indian tea latte) with Sonja, we talked and I cried. I'm still sensitive. I confessed a bit about feeling scared and my self-worth being shaky. She reiterated some things Stevie said, namely that I've swung to the opposite extreme as Maclean in order to try and find balance in our relationship, now I need to re-discover my own balance. She said she loves having me around because in make things clear for her, I help sort out all her whirling thoughts. That I'm sweet and interesting and open-minded, those things haven't been lost. Mike's projections onto me aren't necessarily reflections of who I am.

Not seeing or texting Maclean helps. Out of sight out of mind I suppose. That separation, the distance. It sucks, but it's necessary to let go. I don't know what he's doing with his daily life, nor do I need to. His life is now his own.

As I checked my phone for messages while at work last night, I realized I was waiting to hear from Gabe, not Mike.. And I'm so incredibly lucky to have Gabe! and Kevin Dvorak, and the rest of my friends, who are keeping me engaged and focused on life outside of my relationship. Commiserating with Kevin has been helpful, to feel like I'm not alone in my pain. Having Gabe tell me I'm a turbo babe, checking in, sending me interesting stuff to watch and read, wanting to make plans to hang out. I wish I was attracted to him, but it is what it is, and I'm incredibly grateful for his appearance in my life.

During my convo with Sonja yesterday, she told me she's been putting her trust in the Universe, knowing that it's got her back, that everything happening around her is happening for her benefit. She mentioned not hearing from Julio for a week and she stopped herself from stressing and over analyzing by giving all that to the Universe and just trusting that it was all going to work out. And it did. Awhile back as she and I talked about yet another unavailable man who'd shown up in her life, I told her that she was saying she wanted to date and find someone right for her, but instead, somehow subconsciously she was putting out the vibe into the Universe that she actually wasn't available or ready or wanting an awesome, available man who was ready for a healthy relationship. Apparently she took that to heart, and yesterday told me that she's been trusting more, plus she also started to say, "I'm open to receive." She said it made an astounding difference, suddenly the right people were showing up, and also buying and giving her things! She seems more grounded and much more content, and I'm soooooo happy for her.

I made a somewhat conscious decision that I'm going to jump back into the dating pool. For awhile I thought I would have no desire, that I'd need a break, that it would be healthy to withdraw and spend some time sorting out my thoughts and life and heart. But that's all garbage. I know what I want, and what I don't want. I have no desire to rebound just for the sake of a relationship, but I'm not going to close myself off to possibilities. It still may take some time to meet somebody right (it often takes years, and I can't imagine him just falling into my lap any time soon, but you never know, right?) but I refuse to shut down simply because I'm hurt and my last relationship was so broken. Guess we'll see what happens!

As for friends, I haven't seen or heard from Samantha in weeks. Yesterday she emailed me and said she's been busy with her own stuff and also deliberately hermiting. I replied, and while I was happy to hear from her I also told her that I felt hurt and abandoned in my time of need, but I figured she was going through her own transitions and trusted her absence in my life had everything to do with her needing space for her own reasons, and had nothing to do with me. I had to believe that and also be willing to let her go, because I just couldn't handle another personal loss that was my fault. She wants to hang out soon, which is good, I missed her.

My bedroom is starting to feel like my room. It's weird that this used to be just Mike's room, before I lived here. How I used to come join him in his bed, and at that point I slept on the other side, nearest the door and the en suite, which I always found strange (shouldn't he claim the better side?). He was so generous and attentive and sweet. Those early days were so easy and fun-filled. I miss that. I hate that we lost all that joy and fun...

Next time, next time will be better. I needed to learn some things. I need to be right here right now.

I also discovered a second website of a woman who is running a contentment based business, and it reaffirmed that I'm on the right track, that this is a viable career option, that there is a need and demand for this kind of work in the world right now. I loved her site and everything she said resonated so clearly with me. It inspired me to get working on my own, but was also a little intimidating and disheartening, like Look, it's already been done, there's no way you can top that, McKinnley.. But I know I just need to do it my own way, and it'll be different but just as great.

via ljapp, dessert, turbo gabe, it's just life, relationships...., lessons learned, motivation, business, introspective

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