(no subject)
Saturday night I went to the Rocky Mountain Wine & Food Festival with Jade and a few of her coworkers. It was fun to get out, the girls were nice, we all shared sips and bites, I chose some fantastic wines to taste, and the food (and cheese!) was all delicious!! That's my favourite way to eat and drink, and little sips and nibbles. Lovely! And it was pretty sweet that most of the patrons were over 25 and dressed for a classy night out. I didn't have much time to get ready so I threw on my black skinny jeans, a clingy black t-shirt, black motorcycle boots and black leather jacket (of course), redid my fishtail braid, darkly lined my eyes and was good to go. I don't do all black very often, but I enjoy it when I do.
I actually got in for free: Wild Rose had a vendor booth, so I told the security guy that I was working with them. He took a bit of persuading but eventually let me in. Woo hoo! I never do things like that.
We had only just finished our first wine sample when a group of guys mashed up alongside us (and the masses of other people). One guy in particular caught my eye. Dark, exotic, in a suit, my height, my age... We stopped, said hi, started chatting. He had an accent that I didn't have enough time to place as French or Spanish because Jade was suddenly dragging me away. I'd mentioned that I worked at Wild Rose, and he's mentioned that we'd see each other later, but I wasn't sure that would be enough. I kept my eye out for him throughout the evening, but there were soooo many people.
I was a bit disappointed that I didn't run into him again as we were leaning against the front doors waiting for two of the girls to get their jackets. And then there he was. He walked almost past, saw me and paused. "Oh there you are!" I exclaimed, and he came over to talk. We continued our chat, he said he didn't want to go to the bar and was having people over to his place for another bottle or two, and invited us to join. He gave me his number and had me immediately text him. Then we parted ways.
Jade wanted to meet Scotty at Amsterdam Rhino, but I had no interest in going to the bar. She said she'd go to Alex's for a bit - that was his name! but as we left we saw him chatting outside the venue, surrounded by his boys and a gaggle of blonde, high maintenance girls. Right. And so I agreed to a short stint at the Rhino. It ended up being pretty fun. Jeff and Jolie were there. We had a couple of drinks. We danced a little. Scotty and Jeff's friend Junior was having a going away fiesta because he's leaving Friday to be an army EMT in crazy countries. What?! He was very attractive, but he had a tiny yet extremely over-protective and rather rude little sister, who was also stunningly beautiful. (Jade and I both agreed that if we had to choose between the siblings we would choose her for sure.) Junior was telling us all a story at one point when his sister pushed me out of the way and shoved her face into his so he couldn't talk to us. Seriously?!?! I was flabbergasted. But decided to introduce myself to her and play friendly. In the end it didn't really matter. Although at one point Junior, out of nowhere, says to me, "If I wasn't involved, I'd be all over you." Um, thanks?
Anyway, Alex and I actually exchanged a few texts over the evening, thinking we might meet up, but it didn't happen. Around 1am it was like a switch flipped at the bar and suddenly everyone was just messy, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I decided I was ready to leave, and so I left. Jade came with me. We were trying to get a cab, when suddenly one pulled up and inside were Veera and Erin!!! What a fun coincidence! We jumped in with them.
Even though I really didn't drink that much, definitely didn't get super drunk, and ate a bunch of food, I still wasn't in top form on Sunday. I've definitely been worse, but I still busted out the Little Kind soup, and went back to bed twice, not getting up until after 1pm. 2pm? I also took the excuse to have a lazy day, stayed in my comfy pants, refused to cook or be productive, and mostly just read my book. Good times. Kels came over, Jade made supper, and we played Shanghai.
We'd bumped into Detective Steve at the Wine Fest the night before, so he texted me to say hi, see how my night had been.. we ended up having a pretty awesome text conversation:
S: Trip to somewhere awesome with someone fantastic aside, what would you most like for your birthday?
M: To be honest, I didn't think much about what I might like for my birthday. I really just want to be surrounded by friends and to feel loved! Yeah, I'm a little delicate these days.. Or a book. I always love a good book.
S: I think you are definitely going to feel well-loved this Friday. Incidentally, I think that your delicate is still stronger than most peoples' a-game feeling good.
M: Thanks for that observation. I'm pretty grounded and have a good support system, I'm lucky.
S: It's not luck, McKinnley: trust me on this. Your support system, your grounded nature and your strength are all things that you have cultivated, nurtured and can take very real personal pride in.
M: I suppose I have cultivated those things in my life. They're important, and instead of trying to change myself or hoping that people come to me, I've finally settled into who I am and have learned to gather good people to me.
S: And both that realization, and your very nature, are the things that will ensure that you continue to garner good people into your fold. Not luck at all. You've worked for this.
M: I have a good fold.
S: You do indeed.
M: I'm glad you're part of it!
S: I am too. Thanks for letting me in.
Alex also texted. He's heading out of town on Tuesday but asked if I wanted to meet for coffee in the morning (Monday). My first instinct was to slough it off a bit and wait until next week, but I managed to find my "Say Yes" attitude and agreed to meet.
Monday morning I caught myself wondering what I should wear. Despite knowing nothing about him I suspected he worked down town and would be in a suit. Should I try to dress stylishly? Would he expect me to be well put together? Instead I decided to just wear what I wanted, something that I felt and looked good in. I chose my teal pants, white tank top, beige cardigan with the birds on the back, my moccaroccasins and leather jacket, hair down, and eyes lined in turquoise. Conventions be damned, either he was going to like me for me, or he wasn't going to like me at all. At this stage in the game it didn't matter much to me whether or not he was into it, so long as I felt good about myself. And I did!
Turned out that our coffee date was AMAAAAAAAZING. He was wearing a suit, as I'd guessed. He was decisive, he paid for coffee, and we had a great conversation. He's 31, from Montreal, is a mechanical engineer who works for Exxon as an oil trader (wha?!?!?!), has a younger brother, his parents are long divorced but very friendly.... We talked about work-life balance as I discussed being a bartender but loving the lifestyle. He doesn't love Calgary, but he loves his job and appreciates the freedom it affords him - lots of paid time off, plus lots of fun travel for work. We talked about being over the bar scene and preferring to have friends over for some food and fun. I talked about money, and the pleasure of being comfortable, but beyond that not much caring for things, I'd rather go traveling and have adventures. At that point he kind of looked down and smiled. I was all, "What?" "You're making me really happy right now. It's like hearing myself talk." WOW. He said that he much prefers to spend money on experiences. He has the same couch and TV he's had since moving out here, and doesn't care to replace it because it's not important. He stipulated that he's willing to spend money on good food - "I like going to the farmer's market," and nice clothes - "Look good, feel good."
Mind. Blown.
We were just on the same page about so many things. An hour passed in a flash and he had to get back to work, but both of us are pretty stoked to hang out again. When we parted ways he hugged me and kissed both my cheeks, then I caught him give me a look up and down before he turned away. Lol! I pretty much immediately texted both Jade and Sonja to squeal in delight!
I'm not putting my cart before the horse, it was only an hour long coffee date after all, but making that connection felt so damned good. Sonja laughed, "Well that was fast!" and yeah, it is fast to be getting out, meeting, dating, putting myself out there, making connections, but I had a chat with both her and Jade about how I've realized that it's ok. I'm ready. I don't feel broken. Sad and struggling in some ways, but for the most part, a month in now, I'm feeling pretty grounded about the whole thing. I've stopped dwelling on the things I miss and am busy living the present, while looking forward to what's next. "It will be better," is still my mantra, and I whole-heartedly believe it. Yeah, I'm scared of getting into a relationship again, having to figure out all the little nuances about someone else, and how we'll work together as a team. I'm scared of screwing things up. I'm scared that my issues with Mike are going to come bleeding out and stain unrelated happenings with another man. So yeah, the thought of dating again is intense. But at the same time, I'm pretty grounded, I'm aware of that relationship as a whole and how I need to be cautious not to let my issues with Mike colour how I react to someone else (such as drinking). I'm also acutely aware of my own shortcomings and all the things I did wrong, and while I'm not fixed, at least I can try to actively avoid making the same mistakes. I don't feel the need to take a break from dating to think things through or find myself again. I also don't have any need to sleep with a bunch of guys to try and move on. I won't rebound into another relationship just to have someone else. I feel whole and ready, and I'll take things one step at a time with whatever (whoever) comes my way. And I feel really good about that!
It's been a couple of days now, and I haven't heard from Alex. He'll be in Montreal working hard.. It's funny, and difficult, trying to negotiate new waters with someone. Gabe was texting me a few times every day, sending me stuff to check out and trying to make me smile. Alex did text me a couple hours after our coffee, "Was great to meet you this morning! You are pretty awesome. Looking forward to seeing you when I'm back from Montreal," but I haven't heard from him since. There's no reason for him to text, although it would be nice to just keep the communication open. I'm playing it cool. I don't doubt that I'll hear from him again, and we'll just take it from there.
Oh he'd also made a comment about "Keeping the momentum going," when something feels good, and so he was happy I'd been able to meet him Monday.
Later that afternoon I Face Timed Nick in Australia to say happy birthday. I was hoping to catch him before work and was lucky enough to do so. We didn't have too long as he had to get going, but we had a little chat. It was nice. Afterwards he texted to thank me for making him smile and making his day. I was struck by two things: 1. How much Alex looks like him. and 2. How my feelings for Nick, while still affectionate, are no longer completely overwhelming. Only took 5 years. For most of that 5 years I was convinced that Nick was IT for me, that he and I would be together. There was no doubt at all for quite awhile. Funny how things turn out. Now I have very little doubt that we will never be together, and I'm totally ok with that.
Other stuff: it's been a busy week at Wild Rose, had an election party Monday night that kept me there til 2:15am. Tuesday I opened, worked my shift, then stayed until after 8pm doing cash outs. Then a regular, Corey, was so wasted he could barely stand up, so I drove him and his dog home, including walking him in to his condo and sitting him down. Somewhat ridiculous, but we've never seen him like that and he's a sweet (if weird) guy and I wanted to make sure he was safe.
Getting home last night Jade told me Hydro and Quinn got into a Battle Royale. They'd even locked Hydro in the bathroom for a bit. Stupid cats. I went to see Quinny who was sitting in the top of the cat tree, and discovered a big bloody scratch right across the bridge of her nose!! I scooped her up and went into my computer room, shutting the door behind us. She sat on my lap and let me snuggle and talk soothingly to her for almost 10 minutes, I always know she's upset when she stays on my lap. Poor thing. I almost started to cry, I felt so bad for her. I washed up then shut Quinn and I into my bedroom, where we remained until morning. I watched Homeland on Netflix on my iPad for a couple of hours (amazing!!!!), read and laughed at Quinny as she roamed under the sheets and around the pillows, discovering and marveling over a piece of amethyst I'd forgotten was under the pillow. Silly kitten. I'm feeling rather pushed out of my own home, and my comfort zone has shrunk to my office and bedroom. The fridge is full of food that's not mine, and there always seems to be sports blaring on a TV or computer or both. It's not bad, I enjoy both Jade and her ginger, but this is not a living arrangement I want permanently. I don't think any of us do. I desperately miss having my own space. But we only have 7 more months maximum, it's cheap, it's easy, and they can look after Quinn while I travel in the new year.
Travel! I finally met Aman and we were able to discuss some plans, look at a map to see where we could meet up, and tentatively figure out this journey to India! Now I need to book my flights. I'm also looking into some volunteer work in Nepal, since I'll be alone. Should be interesting. I'm really worried about leaving my Little Love for that long, but she and I will just have to find a way to be ok with it.
Business is crawling. I need to find my motivation somewhere! But I keep seeing signs that I'm on the right path, so I need to get moving along it. I want to be one of those people who lives, loves and breathes my work - in a good way! I want to put in the time, and see the results. I want to have visions of the future and watch them come to pass. I want to be successful and have things sorted out before I'm 40. That's a good 5 year window in which to work wonders. Woo hoo!
I actually got in for free: Wild Rose had a vendor booth, so I told the security guy that I was working with them. He took a bit of persuading but eventually let me in. Woo hoo! I never do things like that.
We had only just finished our first wine sample when a group of guys mashed up alongside us (and the masses of other people). One guy in particular caught my eye. Dark, exotic, in a suit, my height, my age... We stopped, said hi, started chatting. He had an accent that I didn't have enough time to place as French or Spanish because Jade was suddenly dragging me away. I'd mentioned that I worked at Wild Rose, and he's mentioned that we'd see each other later, but I wasn't sure that would be enough. I kept my eye out for him throughout the evening, but there were soooo many people.
I was a bit disappointed that I didn't run into him again as we were leaning against the front doors waiting for two of the girls to get their jackets. And then there he was. He walked almost past, saw me and paused. "Oh there you are!" I exclaimed, and he came over to talk. We continued our chat, he said he didn't want to go to the bar and was having people over to his place for another bottle or two, and invited us to join. He gave me his number and had me immediately text him. Then we parted ways.
Jade wanted to meet Scotty at Amsterdam Rhino, but I had no interest in going to the bar. She said she'd go to Alex's for a bit - that was his name! but as we left we saw him chatting outside the venue, surrounded by his boys and a gaggle of blonde, high maintenance girls. Right. And so I agreed to a short stint at the Rhino. It ended up being pretty fun. Jeff and Jolie were there. We had a couple of drinks. We danced a little. Scotty and Jeff's friend Junior was having a going away fiesta because he's leaving Friday to be an army EMT in crazy countries. What?! He was very attractive, but he had a tiny yet extremely over-protective and rather rude little sister, who was also stunningly beautiful. (Jade and I both agreed that if we had to choose between the siblings we would choose her for sure.) Junior was telling us all a story at one point when his sister pushed me out of the way and shoved her face into his so he couldn't talk to us. Seriously?!?! I was flabbergasted. But decided to introduce myself to her and play friendly. In the end it didn't really matter. Although at one point Junior, out of nowhere, says to me, "If I wasn't involved, I'd be all over you." Um, thanks?
Anyway, Alex and I actually exchanged a few texts over the evening, thinking we might meet up, but it didn't happen. Around 1am it was like a switch flipped at the bar and suddenly everyone was just messy, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I decided I was ready to leave, and so I left. Jade came with me. We were trying to get a cab, when suddenly one pulled up and inside were Veera and Erin!!! What a fun coincidence! We jumped in with them.
Even though I really didn't drink that much, definitely didn't get super drunk, and ate a bunch of food, I still wasn't in top form on Sunday. I've definitely been worse, but I still busted out the Little Kind soup, and went back to bed twice, not getting up until after 1pm. 2pm? I also took the excuse to have a lazy day, stayed in my comfy pants, refused to cook or be productive, and mostly just read my book. Good times. Kels came over, Jade made supper, and we played Shanghai.
We'd bumped into Detective Steve at the Wine Fest the night before, so he texted me to say hi, see how my night had been.. we ended up having a pretty awesome text conversation:
S: Trip to somewhere awesome with someone fantastic aside, what would you most like for your birthday?
M: To be honest, I didn't think much about what I might like for my birthday. I really just want to be surrounded by friends and to feel loved! Yeah, I'm a little delicate these days.. Or a book. I always love a good book.
S: I think you are definitely going to feel well-loved this Friday. Incidentally, I think that your delicate is still stronger than most peoples' a-game feeling good.
M: Thanks for that observation. I'm pretty grounded and have a good support system, I'm lucky.
S: It's not luck, McKinnley: trust me on this. Your support system, your grounded nature and your strength are all things that you have cultivated, nurtured and can take very real personal pride in.
M: I suppose I have cultivated those things in my life. They're important, and instead of trying to change myself or hoping that people come to me, I've finally settled into who I am and have learned to gather good people to me.
S: And both that realization, and your very nature, are the things that will ensure that you continue to garner good people into your fold. Not luck at all. You've worked for this.
M: I have a good fold.
S: You do indeed.
M: I'm glad you're part of it!
S: I am too. Thanks for letting me in.
Alex also texted. He's heading out of town on Tuesday but asked if I wanted to meet for coffee in the morning (Monday). My first instinct was to slough it off a bit and wait until next week, but I managed to find my "Say Yes" attitude and agreed to meet.
Monday morning I caught myself wondering what I should wear. Despite knowing nothing about him I suspected he worked down town and would be in a suit. Should I try to dress stylishly? Would he expect me to be well put together? Instead I decided to just wear what I wanted, something that I felt and looked good in. I chose my teal pants, white tank top, beige cardigan with the birds on the back, my moccaroccasins and leather jacket, hair down, and eyes lined in turquoise. Conventions be damned, either he was going to like me for me, or he wasn't going to like me at all. At this stage in the game it didn't matter much to me whether or not he was into it, so long as I felt good about myself. And I did!
Turned out that our coffee date was AMAAAAAAAZING. He was wearing a suit, as I'd guessed. He was decisive, he paid for coffee, and we had a great conversation. He's 31, from Montreal, is a mechanical engineer who works for Exxon as an oil trader (wha?!?!?!), has a younger brother, his parents are long divorced but very friendly.... We talked about work-life balance as I discussed being a bartender but loving the lifestyle. He doesn't love Calgary, but he loves his job and appreciates the freedom it affords him - lots of paid time off, plus lots of fun travel for work. We talked about being over the bar scene and preferring to have friends over for some food and fun. I talked about money, and the pleasure of being comfortable, but beyond that not much caring for things, I'd rather go traveling and have adventures. At that point he kind of looked down and smiled. I was all, "What?" "You're making me really happy right now. It's like hearing myself talk." WOW. He said that he much prefers to spend money on experiences. He has the same couch and TV he's had since moving out here, and doesn't care to replace it because it's not important. He stipulated that he's willing to spend money on good food - "I like going to the farmer's market," and nice clothes - "Look good, feel good."
Mind. Blown.
We were just on the same page about so many things. An hour passed in a flash and he had to get back to work, but both of us are pretty stoked to hang out again. When we parted ways he hugged me and kissed both my cheeks, then I caught him give me a look up and down before he turned away. Lol! I pretty much immediately texted both Jade and Sonja to squeal in delight!
I'm not putting my cart before the horse, it was only an hour long coffee date after all, but making that connection felt so damned good. Sonja laughed, "Well that was fast!" and yeah, it is fast to be getting out, meeting, dating, putting myself out there, making connections, but I had a chat with both her and Jade about how I've realized that it's ok. I'm ready. I don't feel broken. Sad and struggling in some ways, but for the most part, a month in now, I'm feeling pretty grounded about the whole thing. I've stopped dwelling on the things I miss and am busy living the present, while looking forward to what's next. "It will be better," is still my mantra, and I whole-heartedly believe it. Yeah, I'm scared of getting into a relationship again, having to figure out all the little nuances about someone else, and how we'll work together as a team. I'm scared of screwing things up. I'm scared that my issues with Mike are going to come bleeding out and stain unrelated happenings with another man. So yeah, the thought of dating again is intense. But at the same time, I'm pretty grounded, I'm aware of that relationship as a whole and how I need to be cautious not to let my issues with Mike colour how I react to someone else (such as drinking). I'm also acutely aware of my own shortcomings and all the things I did wrong, and while I'm not fixed, at least I can try to actively avoid making the same mistakes. I don't feel the need to take a break from dating to think things through or find myself again. I also don't have any need to sleep with a bunch of guys to try and move on. I won't rebound into another relationship just to have someone else. I feel whole and ready, and I'll take things one step at a time with whatever (whoever) comes my way. And I feel really good about that!
It's been a couple of days now, and I haven't heard from Alex. He'll be in Montreal working hard.. It's funny, and difficult, trying to negotiate new waters with someone. Gabe was texting me a few times every day, sending me stuff to check out and trying to make me smile. Alex did text me a couple hours after our coffee, "Was great to meet you this morning! You are pretty awesome. Looking forward to seeing you when I'm back from Montreal," but I haven't heard from him since. There's no reason for him to text, although it would be nice to just keep the communication open. I'm playing it cool. I don't doubt that I'll hear from him again, and we'll just take it from there.
Oh he'd also made a comment about "Keeping the momentum going," when something feels good, and so he was happy I'd been able to meet him Monday.
Later that afternoon I Face Timed Nick in Australia to say happy birthday. I was hoping to catch him before work and was lucky enough to do so. We didn't have too long as he had to get going, but we had a little chat. It was nice. Afterwards he texted to thank me for making him smile and making his day. I was struck by two things: 1. How much Alex looks like him. and 2. How my feelings for Nick, while still affectionate, are no longer completely overwhelming. Only took 5 years. For most of that 5 years I was convinced that Nick was IT for me, that he and I would be together. There was no doubt at all for quite awhile. Funny how things turn out. Now I have very little doubt that we will never be together, and I'm totally ok with that.
Other stuff: it's been a busy week at Wild Rose, had an election party Monday night that kept me there til 2:15am. Tuesday I opened, worked my shift, then stayed until after 8pm doing cash outs. Then a regular, Corey, was so wasted he could barely stand up, so I drove him and his dog home, including walking him in to his condo and sitting him down. Somewhat ridiculous, but we've never seen him like that and he's a sweet (if weird) guy and I wanted to make sure he was safe.
Getting home last night Jade told me Hydro and Quinn got into a Battle Royale. They'd even locked Hydro in the bathroom for a bit. Stupid cats. I went to see Quinny who was sitting in the top of the cat tree, and discovered a big bloody scratch right across the bridge of her nose!! I scooped her up and went into my computer room, shutting the door behind us. She sat on my lap and let me snuggle and talk soothingly to her for almost 10 minutes, I always know she's upset when she stays on my lap. Poor thing. I almost started to cry, I felt so bad for her. I washed up then shut Quinn and I into my bedroom, where we remained until morning. I watched Homeland on Netflix on my iPad for a couple of hours (amazing!!!!), read and laughed at Quinny as she roamed under the sheets and around the pillows, discovering and marveling over a piece of amethyst I'd forgotten was under the pillow. Silly kitten. I'm feeling rather pushed out of my own home, and my comfort zone has shrunk to my office and bedroom. The fridge is full of food that's not mine, and there always seems to be sports blaring on a TV or computer or both. It's not bad, I enjoy both Jade and her ginger, but this is not a living arrangement I want permanently. I don't think any of us do. I desperately miss having my own space. But we only have 7 more months maximum, it's cheap, it's easy, and they can look after Quinn while I travel in the new year.
Travel! I finally met Aman and we were able to discuss some plans, look at a map to see where we could meet up, and tentatively figure out this journey to India! Now I need to book my flights. I'm also looking into some volunteer work in Nepal, since I'll be alone. Should be interesting. I'm really worried about leaving my Little Love for that long, but she and I will just have to find a way to be ok with it.
Business is crawling. I need to find my motivation somewhere! But I keep seeing signs that I'm on the right path, so I need to get moving along it. I want to be one of those people who lives, loves and breathes my work - in a good way! I want to put in the time, and see the results. I want to have visions of the future and watch them come to pass. I want to be successful and have things sorted out before I'm 40. That's a good 5 year window in which to work wonders. Woo hoo!