Life is like a bicycle: To keep your balance you must keep moving.
As my dear elixxir likes to say, "The way out is through."
And the way through isn't so bad, all things considered. I think that means it was time. Who am I kidding, we all know it was long past time, but there was something holding us together, and that something is gone. I still have my sensitive moments, and I'm sure there will be plenty of those moments yet to come, but for the most part it just kind of IS. It's neither good nor bad, it's just the next phase.
I know it will be ok. I know this is the right decision. I know that a year from now I'll be able to breathe deeply and look back with happiness, appreciating what we had but being glad it's no longer happening the way it was. I truly do believe that life has other - better - things in store for both Maclean and I.
As long as I keep moving forwards, as long as I stay positive and stay busy, it will be fine.
But I can't help occasionally stopping to analyze. And then I feel like a failure. I wonder why I can't have a healthy relationship. I remember how happy my exes were to finally be out from under my thumb and I wonder how I could knowingly do that to yet another man in the future. I recall all the overbearing, stupid, demanding things I've said and done, and wonder how anyone could love me.
I understand that I just need to trust. That it's all about living and learning, and I need to make sure that I've learned. I realize that there IS something more out there for me, and that the more positive I remain and the more clearly I see where I'm going, the sooner I will get there. But sometimes it's so damn hard to keep heading toward that vision when all I see is ruin behind me.
Jade and I went for lunch yesterday. I told her about Mike and I finally ending things. She understands more than anyone else as she has been first hand witness to so much in our relationship. It was good to talk to her. And I refused to slip into outlining all the things I love about him, that I'm terrified to lose. Unfortunately I did delve into outlining how he makes me feel about myself sometimes. Like when I asked him recently if he thought it was strange that I'm starting a business based on happiness and doing things, to which he replied, "Yeah, kind of." As much as he's had my back through all this business growth, and is happy to see me engaged and trying to accomplish something, I know him well enough to know that he's silently wondering what the hell I'm doing. The person I've spent nearly every day of my life with for the past 4+ years thinks I'm negative, a chronic complainer, boring, close-minded and really uptight. I don't see myself as remotely any of those, yet how can the person who's the closest to me describe me that way?? He's also told me multiple times in the past that even my sisters and some friends don't want to tell me things because they "know how I am," and think that I'll judge them or give them an earful or just not be cool with it. That cut so deeply, every time he said it to me. I never want anybody to feel like they can't tell me something, anything. I try my damndest to be open and understanding, but apparently I'm not. And I know that especially with Mike, I wasn't as ok with things as I should and could have been.... It's so hard to accept things from your partner sometimes.
So I start talking about this stuff a little bit, about feeling not good enough and wondering if who I think I am is really the opposite of what everyone else thinks I am, and what the hell do I do about that..? And I started getting emotional. Not only is my relationship ending, but the image I have of myself is crumbling. And then to my surprise and chagrin Jade starts crying, and I didn't know that she was connected enough with me to feel my pain that way, or what else may be going on behind it, but it makes me uncomfortable. I demand that she stop and so I stop, and we part ways, and I don't know if I feel better or worse.
If one more person tells me that, "It's exciting to get back out there," or "There are so many fish in the sea," or "What took you so long," or any of those stupid cliches that are the least helpful responses ever, I'm probably going to yell at them. I GET IT. I know all those things. I understand that my life isn't over, that there are beautiful possibilities out there, it's just really damn hard to see them right now. This is why I don't want to talk about it.
At least Maclean and I were never in a Facebook relationship, so we don't have to deal with breaking that off. Small victory, right?
I believe in the energy of the Universe. I believe in visualizing. I believe that the things you truly desire come to you, in one form or another. I believe in manifesting what you want out of life. I believe in synchronicity. And so I know that I need to get through this with my head held high and with my sights on the horizon, and a really clear picture of where I'm headed lodged firmly in my brain. No dwelling on all this negative crap, McKinnley. Live and learn. Upwards and onwards. We can do this.
In other news, a couple of days ago we watched Quinn track, capture, play with and then eat a fly. We think it was her first hunting expedition that culminated in a snack. It was hilarious and weird at the same time. She's so funny. I've had her for a year now, which flew by, but at the same time it also feels like she's been a part of my life forever. I love her. I wonder if Mike will miss her when we eventually part ways physically. They have their bond and I'm glad he's around when I'm not so that she almost always has company.
I've finally gotten to my physical low point and have decided it's about damn time I start working my way out of it. I did a Power 90 workout yesterday, and even as I was sweating and panting my way through it I was fully aware that it was not even remotely a difficult workout. *sigh* Ashlea and I are going hiking on Saturday and I really hope I don't embarrass myself. I never used to think twice about hiking, and now I have to take into consideration the length and how steep it is and whether or not I'll be able to make it. Seriously. What am I, 75 years old?! (It's not too late, McKinnley, get to work!) I just wish I could find some exercise that I don't detest.
I love Pinterest. Love love love it. My last dinner party every recipe I made was something I'd previously pinned (except one). Amazing. A few days ago I came across a pin of this loft apartment. I LOVE lofts, those big industrial ones with exposed brick. It's been this underlying dream of mine to live in one, for years and years, as long as I can remember actually. Not that I've ever sat down and said, "One day it's my dream and heart's desire to live in a loft," but it's just always been there. Jaimee used to live in this gorgeous loft that I adored. It's where I first started throwing dinner parties, simply because it was such a great space. But the kind of lofts I lust after rent for thousands of dollars each month. Even Jaimee's place was $1700/month, which is so far out of bounds for me that I may as well be eyeballing the newest Porsche. Pipe dream. And it sucks, because I don't want to move out of my home, and yet I don't think I want to stay. Seeing that loft kind of got me excited, for something new, somewhere that's my own, it took the sting out of having to leave the house I love so much. But the reality is that here in Calgary vacancies are at a minimum, and the places that are available are expensive and crappy. I looked at a few online yesterday and every single one was depressing. I don't want to live in any of them! Change is great, but downgrading is stupid and I don't want to do it.
When I was living in Toronto I met this guy Stephane at the laundromat. He lived just down the street in this really cool loft. And one of the coolest things about it was that it wasn't in a giant building, it was the top floor of a two level building. It was on a residential street, although you kind of had to step into the alley to access it, and I don't know what was under it, but it was so freaking cool. He used it as a live/work space for the skate wear line he had, and he'd throw industry parties there, multiple times I watched his friends skateboarding around the room. It was great. Why can't I find something like that??
Or I could settle for a nice little two bedroom house, with a yard, and if necessary a neighbour downstairs. I don't want to pay out the nose for a tiny, crummy apartment. I won't do it. I need a miracle. Or a really big pay hike.
So here I am again, faced with my relationship ending, being single at 35, having to move, and also losing my job. Geez, when life wants me to shake things up, it sure doesn't do it gently or leave me with a lot of options, does it??!?
And the way through isn't so bad, all things considered. I think that means it was time. Who am I kidding, we all know it was long past time, but there was something holding us together, and that something is gone. I still have my sensitive moments, and I'm sure there will be plenty of those moments yet to come, but for the most part it just kind of IS. It's neither good nor bad, it's just the next phase.
I know it will be ok. I know this is the right decision. I know that a year from now I'll be able to breathe deeply and look back with happiness, appreciating what we had but being glad it's no longer happening the way it was. I truly do believe that life has other - better - things in store for both Maclean and I.
As long as I keep moving forwards, as long as I stay positive and stay busy, it will be fine.
But I can't help occasionally stopping to analyze. And then I feel like a failure. I wonder why I can't have a healthy relationship. I remember how happy my exes were to finally be out from under my thumb and I wonder how I could knowingly do that to yet another man in the future. I recall all the overbearing, stupid, demanding things I've said and done, and wonder how anyone could love me.
I understand that I just need to trust. That it's all about living and learning, and I need to make sure that I've learned. I realize that there IS something more out there for me, and that the more positive I remain and the more clearly I see where I'm going, the sooner I will get there. But sometimes it's so damn hard to keep heading toward that vision when all I see is ruin behind me.
Jade and I went for lunch yesterday. I told her about Mike and I finally ending things. She understands more than anyone else as she has been first hand witness to so much in our relationship. It was good to talk to her. And I refused to slip into outlining all the things I love about him, that I'm terrified to lose. Unfortunately I did delve into outlining how he makes me feel about myself sometimes. Like when I asked him recently if he thought it was strange that I'm starting a business based on happiness and doing things, to which he replied, "Yeah, kind of." As much as he's had my back through all this business growth, and is happy to see me engaged and trying to accomplish something, I know him well enough to know that he's silently wondering what the hell I'm doing. The person I've spent nearly every day of my life with for the past 4+ years thinks I'm negative, a chronic complainer, boring, close-minded and really uptight. I don't see myself as remotely any of those, yet how can the person who's the closest to me describe me that way?? He's also told me multiple times in the past that even my sisters and some friends don't want to tell me things because they "know how I am," and think that I'll judge them or give them an earful or just not be cool with it. That cut so deeply, every time he said it to me. I never want anybody to feel like they can't tell me something, anything. I try my damndest to be open and understanding, but apparently I'm not. And I know that especially with Mike, I wasn't as ok with things as I should and could have been.... It's so hard to accept things from your partner sometimes.
So I start talking about this stuff a little bit, about feeling not good enough and wondering if who I think I am is really the opposite of what everyone else thinks I am, and what the hell do I do about that..? And I started getting emotional. Not only is my relationship ending, but the image I have of myself is crumbling. And then to my surprise and chagrin Jade starts crying, and I didn't know that she was connected enough with me to feel my pain that way, or what else may be going on behind it, but it makes me uncomfortable. I demand that she stop and so I stop, and we part ways, and I don't know if I feel better or worse.
If one more person tells me that, "It's exciting to get back out there," or "There are so many fish in the sea," or "What took you so long," or any of those stupid cliches that are the least helpful responses ever, I'm probably going to yell at them. I GET IT. I know all those things. I understand that my life isn't over, that there are beautiful possibilities out there, it's just really damn hard to see them right now. This is why I don't want to talk about it.
At least Maclean and I were never in a Facebook relationship, so we don't have to deal with breaking that off. Small victory, right?
I believe in the energy of the Universe. I believe in visualizing. I believe that the things you truly desire come to you, in one form or another. I believe in manifesting what you want out of life. I believe in synchronicity. And so I know that I need to get through this with my head held high and with my sights on the horizon, and a really clear picture of where I'm headed lodged firmly in my brain. No dwelling on all this negative crap, McKinnley. Live and learn. Upwards and onwards. We can do this.
In other news, a couple of days ago we watched Quinn track, capture, play with and then eat a fly. We think it was her first hunting expedition that culminated in a snack. It was hilarious and weird at the same time. She's so funny. I've had her for a year now, which flew by, but at the same time it also feels like she's been a part of my life forever. I love her. I wonder if Mike will miss her when we eventually part ways physically. They have their bond and I'm glad he's around when I'm not so that she almost always has company.
I've finally gotten to my physical low point and have decided it's about damn time I start working my way out of it. I did a Power 90 workout yesterday, and even as I was sweating and panting my way through it I was fully aware that it was not even remotely a difficult workout. *sigh* Ashlea and I are going hiking on Saturday and I really hope I don't embarrass myself. I never used to think twice about hiking, and now I have to take into consideration the length and how steep it is and whether or not I'll be able to make it. Seriously. What am I, 75 years old?! (It's not too late, McKinnley, get to work!) I just wish I could find some exercise that I don't detest.
I love Pinterest. Love love love it. My last dinner party every recipe I made was something I'd previously pinned (except one). Amazing. A few days ago I came across a pin of this loft apartment. I LOVE lofts, those big industrial ones with exposed brick. It's been this underlying dream of mine to live in one, for years and years, as long as I can remember actually. Not that I've ever sat down and said, "One day it's my dream and heart's desire to live in a loft," but it's just always been there. Jaimee used to live in this gorgeous loft that I adored. It's where I first started throwing dinner parties, simply because it was such a great space. But the kind of lofts I lust after rent for thousands of dollars each month. Even Jaimee's place was $1700/month, which is so far out of bounds for me that I may as well be eyeballing the newest Porsche. Pipe dream. And it sucks, because I don't want to move out of my home, and yet I don't think I want to stay. Seeing that loft kind of got me excited, for something new, somewhere that's my own, it took the sting out of having to leave the house I love so much. But the reality is that here in Calgary vacancies are at a minimum, and the places that are available are expensive and crappy. I looked at a few online yesterday and every single one was depressing. I don't want to live in any of them! Change is great, but downgrading is stupid and I don't want to do it.
When I was living in Toronto I met this guy Stephane at the laundromat. He lived just down the street in this really cool loft. And one of the coolest things about it was that it wasn't in a giant building, it was the top floor of a two level building. It was on a residential street, although you kind of had to step into the alley to access it, and I don't know what was under it, but it was so freaking cool. He used it as a live/work space for the skate wear line he had, and he'd throw industry parties there, multiple times I watched his friends skateboarding around the room. It was great. Why can't I find something like that??
Or I could settle for a nice little two bedroom house, with a yard, and if necessary a neighbour downstairs. I don't want to pay out the nose for a tiny, crummy apartment. I won't do it. I need a miracle. Or a really big pay hike.
So here I am again, faced with my relationship ending, being single at 35, having to move, and also losing my job. Geez, when life wants me to shake things up, it sure doesn't do it gently or leave me with a lot of options, does it??!?