Another year older....
Yeah, so, that's me at 33. Mandatory birthday day pictures... or something.
It was an ok day. Dessert wished me Happy Birthday as he kissed me goodbye at 6am. I messaged him when I woke up and he was all, "Have you left the bedroom yet?!" Clearly there was something waiting for me. He'd cut out a bunch of giant arrows and laid them on the floor in a path for me to follow. In the rec room, which has now become my painting room, I discovered a pile of canvasses and paint with bows on them.
A useful present, and one I'm grateful for since painting supplies are expensive. But not a present which he put much thought into, and therefore I was a little disappointed. Also because Jade and I share painting stuff, so in effect half of my birthday present will go to her. Oh well.
Aunt Krisann, Aunt DeNai and Taron all phoned to wish me Happy Birthday and have a chat. That's the favourite part of my day, all the messages and phone calls. Although I used to get a lot of phone calls, but now people will just leave a quick Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall and consider their task finished. *sigh* Not that I don't love the Crackbook messages, I do, it's just a little disappointing that it's cut back on my actual phone calls. My parents didn't call because they were still in Mexico. And apparently Grandma simply forgot, then when she was talking to Jade a few days later was all, "I'm so stupid!!" .. She still hasn't called me.
Speaking of Grandma, she's been really depressed lately. She doesn't like getting old, which is fair. Her mobility and hearing have declined, and she's decided she's done enough cleaning and chores in her life, so now she lays in bed all day most days and plays games on her iPod. It's sad. She won't come to family gatherings unless she's absolutely forced into it. She could still have 10 years left, which means she really needs to find a way to enjoy herself or it's going to be a tough decade on all of us. I do NOT want to get old. Which is an ironic statement during my birthday post.
Anyway, back to the day... I went for sushi with G and Jade. G was kind of grumpy and didn't seem into hanging out, which kind of sucked as he's one of my most favourite people, and the one person I really wanted to see on my birthday. Then Jade and I drove up to Mazda to pick up winter mats for my car. It was supposed to be a quick jaunt, but traffic was insane for some stupid reason and it took us three times longer than it should have. Our friend Ryan Dunbar called from Vancouver though, so we both got to chat with him on my car's sweet bluetooth system, which was super awesome! Then we get to the dealership and my sales guy was all, "I think I can jack you a set for free, but you have to come back after the maintenance garage closes at 5." Free is much better than $85, but the dealership is sooooo out of my way. I was rather annoyed. We couldn't come back an hour later, so he said to just leave and he'd grab me a set later on, then I could come pick them up later. I'd specifically told him I was coming to pick them up that afternoon, why couldn't he have gotten me a set last night?!?! Frustrating. So, 2 hours in the car for nothing...
I met Maclean at Los Chilitos for a delicious but very rushed Mexican dinner. Then I loaded up my car with painting supplies he'd brought for me, picked up Jade, and headed to art class.
It was Samantha's (our teacher's) birthday the day before, she turned 33 as well! So I brought mini cupcakes from Crave for the whole class. Red Velvet and Chocolate Peanut Butter - mmm! Painting was good, as usual. I got home just after 9pm and Maclean was tired from being sick and not sleeping well the night before, so he promised me a birthday massage, but got in bed and promptly fell asleep before I could join him. *sigh* So I read until I was tired....
And that was that.
I didn't get to open any cards, or presents. I didn't get to make any birthday love. Oh well, it was just a day. Right?
I'm not sure how I feel about 33. I loved 30, but the past couple of years have been a bit of a roller coaster. I was so thrilled with Mike and our relationship at first, but it's seemed like a lot of work and emotional confusion for the last 2 years. Wow..... I've been feeling stagnant again. I've talked and talked and talked about getting - or creating - a "real" job, but it hasn't happened. Not even the first teeny tiny baby step in that direction. Traveling with Jade was absolutely awesome. Letting my Beautiful Banga slip out of my life was less awesome.
I still feel young, and not really constrained or pressured by my age, but let's face it, as far as the biological clock is concerned, my countdown has begun. And I've never really felt that clock ticking, my maternal instincts and desires have never kicked in, which is a good thing or I'd probably be having a panic attack right about now. But there is a pretty strong likelihood that I will end up having kids, and do I really want to do that when I'm 36 or 38 or 40?? Having teenage kids in the house while I'm going through menopause just seems like a disaster waiting to blow up in a lot of faces.
I actually like my job at the Wild Rose. I like working shifts, and I love the cash. I even enjoy my "office" job, although I rarely put in the hours any more - I should take advantage of my ability to work and make money from home while I can. But do I want to serve forever? Nope. And I'm tired of both my partner and my parents being rather embarrassed by my job.
I've learned that love is hard, and life is confusing, and that I'm really really terrible at making the difficult decisions. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm probably never going to make any mark on society, I'll probably never do anything spectacular with my existence here, I'll never be well known, or admired, or filthy rich, I'll never create an awe-inspiring book or painting or performance.. But I'm pretty enough and smart enough and liked well enough to be comfortable with the basics of who I am.
Could I use some motivation? Yup? Some dedication? Hells yeah. Could I stand to chill out and have more fun and take life a little less seriously at times? It's probably not a bad idea. All in all I'm doing ok.
So what do I need to do so that this time next year I can say, "I'm doing great!" ?
* Either start a career and move to a city that makes me happy, or learn to actually be happy with my job and where I'm living.
* Make some goals, and ACCOMPLISH THEM.
* Find a way to make my relationship work, or a way to let it go. By this time next year I will either be engaged, or broken up.
It's time to tackle some serious list-making..