One thing..

May 13, 2011 12:00

Well at least I know one thing for sure: I absolutely would not want to date myself.

I'm not sure how Maclean pulled the short straw, poor bastard.

I'm still just as illogically frustrating as ever. In my head, and out. My healthcare practitioner has even acknowledged this and gave me some stuff to help. Hopefully.

Actually, in my head is where everything works out nicely. I tell myself all the reasons why I'm so damned lucky to have Maclean, and I get myself all worked up about seeing him and living with him and loving him.... then he waltzes in the door, I jump up to greet him with kisses.... and 3.7 minutes later a switch flips and I can barely be civil or stand to be near him. Meanwhile, in my head, I completely realize how unfair and crazy and totally not ok the whole scenario is, but somehow that isn't enough to convince my outward emotions to behave themselves.

Oh, I'm such a treat!

Last night involved picking up gardening supplies, barbecuing buffalo chorizo sausages for dinner with an arugala salad, splitting a bottle of wine, and talking about our plans and goals. It was all good until the dreaded "alcohol" discussion reared it's ugly head. It's still such an issue, and both of us are so sick of it. He makes comments like, "Well, I'm not allowed to drink during the week" which makes me sound like an overbearing, unreasonable, demanding partner - and makes me feel that way. And while he's drinking soooo much less, I still see red every single time there's a drink in his hand. I think it's partly because we still haven't come to any agreeable solution, and every time we try to talk about it he yells and I cry. It's such a stupid, touchy subject and I hate it. I don't understand why he can't just NOT drink sometimes. I feel like he's all sneaky about it, having drinks when I'm at work, and living for the weekends when he can just do it in the open. It's this big ugly monster terrorizing us from the closet, when really if we sat down with him and gave him a name he'd probably be all cute and cuddly - except for when he's chewing on the furniture.

Sucky mc suck suck.

Goals and plans are still in place. Lots of work. Lots of travel. And I've got 3 years to come to grips with the idea of Maclean "putting a couple buns in your oven."   When he said that last night, I had to physically stop myself from cringing. Am I just being stubborn? Or am I really not cut out to be a mother? I really really hope that I get excited about the idea.. I don't want to pull an Eat, Pray, Love in 3 1/2 years time. But seriously, if I'm 32 and the biological clock hasn't started ticking, then maybe I shouldn't force the issue. I dunno.

Um, restricted diet is over, although since it ended 3 nights ago I've had two of the worst sleeps  I've had in ages. Likely connected, and super uncool. Being able to eat whatever my little heart desires is groovy though. That being said, my health practitioner informed me (which I already knew) that my digestion and kidneys still aren't functioning properly so I still need to watch what and how I eat, and she sent me home with more homeopathics and nutrients.

Saw G the other day, we indulged in some roof time in the first real spring sunshine. It was so nice. The sun, and G. I still love him to death, he's one of my favourite people and I need to see him more often.

Went for dinner at Dairy Lane with Ben and Kelly. They're preggo and just the cutest couple ever. We need to spend more time with them. Except the fact that they'll  be 3 in a few weeks, it might get in the way. Had a burger and a glass of wine for the first time in AGES. The burger was to die for. Seriously amazing, and not just because I'd been deprived, both Ben and Kelly were raving about theirs as well. Fresh, local ingredients make such a difference.

Still haven't unpacked. Still have no motivation to do so.

But I can see the apple tree in our backyard from the window in front of me, and the tips are turning green, and that makes me feel a bit better about life.

What makes me feel less great about life is the fact that a friend messaged me about coming to Sasquatch in a couple of weeks. There's no way I can go since it's only 2 weeks away, and since I have both the weekend before and the weekend after it booked off. But I made the mistake of looking at the lineup anyway, and now I'm SERIOUSLY bummed out that I can't go. Foo Fighters, Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Iron & Wine, Death From Above 1979, Sam Roberts Band, City & Colour, The Decemberists, Rodrigo y Gabriela, Wolf Parade, Cold War Kids, K-os.. the list goes on and on.. and on and on... *sigh*

it's just life, i suck, the crazy it's everywhere

Previous post Next post
Up
[]