My Heart Is An Idiot
I still can't get a grip on life, or my head, or my heart. I really don't know what the hell my problem is. I've been back in Calgary for nearly two months now, which is blowing my mind. I still haven't unpacked. I still haven't done anything towards my nutrition business. I haven't done much of anything.
Except get crazier in the head. Things with my Dessert are better than ever, and yet I'm being a worse girlfriend than ever. Lots of his guy friends have girlfriends that either they or everyone else complains about constantly.... and while I never want to be that girlfriend, I find myself identifying more and more with those girls. Not cool. I don't want his friends to dislike being around me because I'm always cold and cranky. I don't want him to be the guy that can't come out to play because his girlfriend won't let him. I don't want to be constantly annoyed!! But how do I change the way I think and feel and react? It seems that no matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to be cool, each and every time I find myself being the very epitome of uncool. I really don't know what the hell my problem is, or how to fix it.
I demand so much of him, yet he asks nothing of me.
I'm failing at life.
I did rock at that whole restricted diet / cleanse thing though. I have my follow up appointment tomorrow and then I'm meeting up with my sister for a wheat, dairy, sugar and alcohol filled dinner later on. I did start getting somewhat creative with cooking and meals, I'll attempt to post some recipes soon. For now, you can take this and run with it, my staple breakfast item:
http://www.bobsredmill.com/organic-creamy-buckwheat.html
Great for anyone that loves hot porridge/cereal. It's creamy and pretty much the same as oatmeal, but not oatmeal. Only takes 10 minutes and all you have to do is dump it into a pot of boiling water. Easy peasy. I like to throw in some blueberries, raw nuts, almond milk and maple syrup, but dress it up as you see fit. Deeeeelish!
What else should I be recording for posterity... I went in for round two of laser hair removal. My crotch is now smoother and softer than a baby's bum. No joke. It's somewhat ironic that I went in the first time thinking I'd let her just zap it all and for the remaining sessions I'd figure out which patch of hair I wanted left (because I've only ever had one Brazilian in my lifetime and it completely weirds me out being all nekkid down there), only to find out that I'm practically the perfect laser hair removal candidate and there was nothing left to save by round two. Usually people require 5 treatments, I only needed 1.5. Oh well, no use crying over it now, and Dessert loves it so at least one of us wins. I'm so stoked on this whole novel concept, that when TeamBuy offered an incredible deal at the same spa I totally splurged and bought it. $275 for a year's worth of hair removal. What?!?!? Each Brazilian appointment is $200, so that's an unbelievable deal. You can only get 3 body parts done with this deal, but after I get my legs and armpits done I think I'll be about as hair-free as I can possibly be anyway! Kind of excited...
Maclean, myself and a bunch of other friends went down and submitted ourselves to be extras on the TV series "Hell on Wheels" they're filming in Calgary this summer. Maclean was the only one to get a phone call. He's going to spend 5 days being a "rail hand" and he's ridiculously excited about it. I'm a little bit annoyed (surprising, right?) that he's taking 5 days off of work to do this (he complains every time I ask him to take a long weekend so we can do something fun, but somewhat hypocritically will not think twice about asking me to take entire weekends off to do things he wants to do), but he's so happy that I'm happy for him too. Being on film sets can be incredibly boring and sometimes it can be super sucky, but it can also be interesting and sometimes even fun. So, good for him! I kind of wish I got to be on set with him, that would definitely be fun, but the series is set in the 1860's as they build the railway line, so I don't imagine there will be a lot of roles for women, even in the background.
My sisters put my name on the card and flowers they gave Mom. Bless their hearts. I called my mom, that's something, right? It's not that I don't love my mom, I do, but she drives me nuts, like want to punch her in the throat nuts. I know, I know, it's my mom, but something about her brings out my inner 15 year old, and man that chick is SURLY. Plus, there's this whole weird thing surrounding the fact that I haven't actually said the words "I love you" to my mother in, well, the memorable past. Now it's like this giant elephant in the room and I just KNOW that if I do say it she's going to absolutely break down, and it's going to be momentously weird and awkward, so at this point I'm really just avoiding that scene. Yeah, I'm a bad daughter as well as a bad girlfriend. Anyone else wanna get in line for some McKinnley love?? *sigh*
I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaay too logical and responsible and structured for my own good. I think it's time I stopped getting a grip and started loosening up. I may require assistance with this. Help, anyone?
Except get crazier in the head. Things with my Dessert are better than ever, and yet I'm being a worse girlfriend than ever. Lots of his guy friends have girlfriends that either they or everyone else complains about constantly.... and while I never want to be that girlfriend, I find myself identifying more and more with those girls. Not cool. I don't want his friends to dislike being around me because I'm always cold and cranky. I don't want him to be the guy that can't come out to play because his girlfriend won't let him. I don't want to be constantly annoyed!! But how do I change the way I think and feel and react? It seems that no matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to be cool, each and every time I find myself being the very epitome of uncool. I really don't know what the hell my problem is, or how to fix it.
I demand so much of him, yet he asks nothing of me.
I'm failing at life.
I did rock at that whole restricted diet / cleanse thing though. I have my follow up appointment tomorrow and then I'm meeting up with my sister for a wheat, dairy, sugar and alcohol filled dinner later on. I did start getting somewhat creative with cooking and meals, I'll attempt to post some recipes soon. For now, you can take this and run with it, my staple breakfast item:
http://www.bobsredmill.com/organic-creamy-buckwheat.html
Great for anyone that loves hot porridge/cereal. It's creamy and pretty much the same as oatmeal, but not oatmeal. Only takes 10 minutes and all you have to do is dump it into a pot of boiling water. Easy peasy. I like to throw in some blueberries, raw nuts, almond milk and maple syrup, but dress it up as you see fit. Deeeeelish!
What else should I be recording for posterity... I went in for round two of laser hair removal. My crotch is now smoother and softer than a baby's bum. No joke. It's somewhat ironic that I went in the first time thinking I'd let her just zap it all and for the remaining sessions I'd figure out which patch of hair I wanted left (because I've only ever had one Brazilian in my lifetime and it completely weirds me out being all nekkid down there), only to find out that I'm practically the perfect laser hair removal candidate and there was nothing left to save by round two. Usually people require 5 treatments, I only needed 1.5. Oh well, no use crying over it now, and Dessert loves it so at least one of us wins. I'm so stoked on this whole novel concept, that when TeamBuy offered an incredible deal at the same spa I totally splurged and bought it. $275 for a year's worth of hair removal. What?!?!? Each Brazilian appointment is $200, so that's an unbelievable deal. You can only get 3 body parts done with this deal, but after I get my legs and armpits done I think I'll be about as hair-free as I can possibly be anyway! Kind of excited...
Maclean, myself and a bunch of other friends went down and submitted ourselves to be extras on the TV series "Hell on Wheels" they're filming in Calgary this summer. Maclean was the only one to get a phone call. He's going to spend 5 days being a "rail hand" and he's ridiculously excited about it. I'm a little bit annoyed (surprising, right?) that he's taking 5 days off of work to do this (he complains every time I ask him to take a long weekend so we can do something fun, but somewhat hypocritically will not think twice about asking me to take entire weekends off to do things he wants to do), but he's so happy that I'm happy for him too. Being on film sets can be incredibly boring and sometimes it can be super sucky, but it can also be interesting and sometimes even fun. So, good for him! I kind of wish I got to be on set with him, that would definitely be fun, but the series is set in the 1860's as they build the railway line, so I don't imagine there will be a lot of roles for women, even in the background.
My sisters put my name on the card and flowers they gave Mom. Bless their hearts. I called my mom, that's something, right? It's not that I don't love my mom, I do, but she drives me nuts, like want to punch her in the throat nuts. I know, I know, it's my mom, but something about her brings out my inner 15 year old, and man that chick is SURLY. Plus, there's this whole weird thing surrounding the fact that I haven't actually said the words "I love you" to my mother in, well, the memorable past. Now it's like this giant elephant in the room and I just KNOW that if I do say it she's going to absolutely break down, and it's going to be momentously weird and awkward, so at this point I'm really just avoiding that scene. Yeah, I'm a bad daughter as well as a bad girlfriend. Anyone else wanna get in line for some McKinnley love?? *sigh*
I'm waaaaaaaaaaaaay too logical and responsible and structured for my own good. I think it's time I stopped getting a grip and started loosening up. I may require assistance with this. Help, anyone?