so this is the new year/and i don't feel any different
Last year on this date I actually took the time to go through every one of my entries for the year and comment on them. Last year I had nothing better to do, but it wasn't that I was still filled with excitment and prospect of the new year to come. I wasn't expecting a lot to change and in fact very little if nothing did. Sad but true fact. So this year there is no point in going through my entries (mainly because I barely made any.) My life remains as it always has been-sad and stagnant. I don't even know what I can do to change it.
My New Year's Eve was very plain and non-celebratory. Quite similar to last year:
"The New Year came to me alone; nobody to celebrate with. It was very uneventful and I smoothely transitioned from 11:59pm on December 31st 2002 to 12:00am on January 1, 2003. I was on the phone with my granmother when the clocked turned to midnight and we wished each other a Happy New Year and such then my mom called from the party her and my dad were at to wish me the same. I don't feel very different or that anything has changed at all. Maybe my entering the new year all by myself is a forshadowing of the year to come-filled with nothing but lonliness, such as all my other years were filled even if I had someone to spend them with. To me, today is just another day, another first of the month, another wednesday. I wish I was happier and that the New Year was a cause of celebration for me. I didn't even count down or cheer or yell out when the clock struck midnight-nothing, I did absolutely nothing, that's my emotions towards the New Year."
On New Year's Eve I worked all day from 8am to 6pm then came home only to get into a fight with my parents over something so stupid as cleaning my room. We were actually fighting as 2003 turned into 2004. Sometimes I hate them so much. They expect me to be an adult and then yell at me as if I was a little kid over stupid things. I didn't ask my mom to take my bed sheets off and wash them. I didn't ask her to dust my windowsill. I didn't ask her to clean my room. So why should I thank her for doing things I didn't even want her to do in the first place!? I hate it when they're assholes. So basically I was in a bad mood for New Year's Eve.
And stupid Antoine made it even worse (yes, I'm talking about him again)! He always has this way of sneaking back into my life even when I attempt to make a conscious effort for him not to. Maybe 3 seconds after I go online he IMs me (even though I have ignored him online for the past couple days),
HIM (6:16:47 PM): happy new years
HIM (6:16:51 PM): !!!!!!!!!!
ME (6:16:53 PM): oh...hi
ME (6:17:05 PM): I was about to put up an away message that says "fuck the new year"
HIM (6:17:12 PM): lol
HIM (6:17:15 PM): what a shame
ME (6:17:16 PM): work was a pain..we did just under 300 scripts
ME (6:17:32 PM): and my favorite pharmacist is thisclose to quitting because of the stupid bitch pharmacist who we all hate
HIM (6:18:15 PM): you know what I say?
ME (6:18:20 PM): what?
HIM (6:18:41 PM): people all over the world
HIM (6:18:43 PM): join in
HIM (6:18:45 PM): join in
HIM (6:18:50 PM): start a love train
HIM (6:18:53 PM): love train now
HIM (6:18:55 PM): *sings*
ME (6:19:00 PM): I don't have the patience to deal with you tonight so fuck off
I really didn't feel guilty about saying that either because I didn't have any patience for him! He knows that I hate it when he does that-becomes all happy when he knows I'm pissed off or in a bad mood. Yet he always does this to me. We were friends long enough and he knows what I am like when I get into one of my moods. And I am convinced that he does this on purpose to piss me off. I was already upset and very pissed off about work and he only made it worse. Normal people would try to console me or something instead just saying "what a shame" and break into song for no reason. I always feel worse after talking to him. There hasn't been a time when he made me happy talking to him since senior year, and even then it was quite tumultuous.
It's happening again! Even when I am trying to write a normal entry he ends up being a huge part of it. Arg! This just goes to show how much he aggravates me.
so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions
It's true. I have given up on resolutions. There is no point to them other than failure. I have yet to complete any of my resolutions. People just make them up so that they can use the new year as a fresh start to reinvent themselves. Bullshit I say! I am sure there is some statistic as to how many people actually follow through with their resolutions and I can assure you it is a small percentage. Life is not as easy as making little resolutions to solve all of your problems because they wont. Last year I attempted to fool myself by making "promises" instead of resolutions.
(note:these were all made right before the second semester of freshman year started so they all pertain to classes I had freshman year)
study more often this one is mixed, I believe that I have studied suficiently during my last semester of freshman year into my first semester of sophmore year
spend less time doing nothing failed miserabely at doing this one
get at least a C- in chemistry not only did I get above a C- (actual grade for second semester was a B-) in general chemistry but I also pulled a solid B in organic!
maintain my A's in english and math did that just fine
attempt an A in biology but at the same time try not to drop below a B- I tried my best, I did put an honest effort into it, but I believe I ended up with a B
stop trusting people too easily and putting my own feelings on the line I don't even know how I did with this one, honestly. But I think I managed okay.
start taking better care of my body HA! I have failed at this every single year. If anything my body has gotten worse.
attempt to begin an exercising ritual see above comment
lose a lot of weightsee above comment as well
attain and maintain a good self esteem and image of myself yep, you guessed it, see above comment
So that's all folks. This year will be just like last year and the year before and the year before and the year before. . . I am not one who changes and apparantly that's the way it's meant to be. I have pretty much spent New Year's the same way for the past 3 years and achieved similar results during the year. Maybe I am meant to be bitter and alone and unhappy. I don't ask for pity, only for a reversal of fortune.
My New Year's Eve was very plain and non-celebratory. Quite similar to last year:
"The New Year came to me alone; nobody to celebrate with. It was very uneventful and I smoothely transitioned from 11:59pm on December 31st 2002 to 12:00am on January 1, 2003. I was on the phone with my granmother when the clocked turned to midnight and we wished each other a Happy New Year and such then my mom called from the party her and my dad were at to wish me the same. I don't feel very different or that anything has changed at all. Maybe my entering the new year all by myself is a forshadowing of the year to come-filled with nothing but lonliness, such as all my other years were filled even if I had someone to spend them with. To me, today is just another day, another first of the month, another wednesday. I wish I was happier and that the New Year was a cause of celebration for me. I didn't even count down or cheer or yell out when the clock struck midnight-nothing, I did absolutely nothing, that's my emotions towards the New Year."
On New Year's Eve I worked all day from 8am to 6pm then came home only to get into a fight with my parents over something so stupid as cleaning my room. We were actually fighting as 2003 turned into 2004. Sometimes I hate them so much. They expect me to be an adult and then yell at me as if I was a little kid over stupid things. I didn't ask my mom to take my bed sheets off and wash them. I didn't ask her to dust my windowsill. I didn't ask her to clean my room. So why should I thank her for doing things I didn't even want her to do in the first place!? I hate it when they're assholes. So basically I was in a bad mood for New Year's Eve.
And stupid Antoine made it even worse (yes, I'm talking about him again)! He always has this way of sneaking back into my life even when I attempt to make a conscious effort for him not to. Maybe 3 seconds after I go online he IMs me (even though I have ignored him online for the past couple days),
HIM (6:16:47 PM): happy new years
HIM (6:16:51 PM): !!!!!!!!!!
ME (6:16:53 PM): oh...hi
ME (6:17:05 PM): I was about to put up an away message that says "fuck the new year"
HIM (6:17:12 PM): lol
HIM (6:17:15 PM): what a shame
ME (6:17:16 PM): work was a pain..we did just under 300 scripts
ME (6:17:32 PM): and my favorite pharmacist is thisclose to quitting because of the stupid bitch pharmacist who we all hate
HIM (6:18:15 PM): you know what I say?
ME (6:18:20 PM): what?
HIM (6:18:41 PM): people all over the world
HIM (6:18:43 PM): join in
HIM (6:18:45 PM): join in
HIM (6:18:50 PM): start a love train
HIM (6:18:53 PM): love train now
HIM (6:18:55 PM): *sings*
ME (6:19:00 PM): I don't have the patience to deal with you tonight so fuck off
I really didn't feel guilty about saying that either because I didn't have any patience for him! He knows that I hate it when he does that-becomes all happy when he knows I'm pissed off or in a bad mood. Yet he always does this to me. We were friends long enough and he knows what I am like when I get into one of my moods. And I am convinced that he does this on purpose to piss me off. I was already upset and very pissed off about work and he only made it worse. Normal people would try to console me or something instead just saying "what a shame" and break into song for no reason. I always feel worse after talking to him. There hasn't been a time when he made me happy talking to him since senior year, and even then it was quite tumultuous.
It's happening again! Even when I am trying to write a normal entry he ends up being a huge part of it. Arg! This just goes to show how much he aggravates me.
so this is the new year
and I have no resolutions
for self assigned penance
for problems with easy solutions
It's true. I have given up on resolutions. There is no point to them other than failure. I have yet to complete any of my resolutions. People just make them up so that they can use the new year as a fresh start to reinvent themselves. Bullshit I say! I am sure there is some statistic as to how many people actually follow through with their resolutions and I can assure you it is a small percentage. Life is not as easy as making little resolutions to solve all of your problems because they wont. Last year I attempted to fool myself by making "promises" instead of resolutions.
(note:these were all made right before the second semester of freshman year started so they all pertain to classes I had freshman year)
study more often this one is mixed, I believe that I have studied suficiently during my last semester of freshman year into my first semester of sophmore year
spend less time doing nothing failed miserabely at doing this one
get at least a C- in chemistry not only did I get above a C- (actual grade for second semester was a B-) in general chemistry but I also pulled a solid B in organic!
maintain my A's in english and math did that just fine
attempt an A in biology but at the same time try not to drop below a B- I tried my best, I did put an honest effort into it, but I believe I ended up with a B
stop trusting people too easily and putting my own feelings on the line I don't even know how I did with this one, honestly. But I think I managed okay.
start taking better care of my body HA! I have failed at this every single year. If anything my body has gotten worse.
attempt to begin an exercising ritual see above comment
lose a lot of weightsee above comment as well
attain and maintain a good self esteem and image of myself yep, you guessed it, see above comment
So that's all folks. This year will be just like last year and the year before and the year before and the year before. . . I am not one who changes and apparantly that's the way it's meant to be. I have pretty much spent New Year's the same way for the past 3 years and achieved similar results during the year. Maybe I am meant to be bitter and alone and unhappy. I don't ask for pity, only for a reversal of fortune.