I'm not gonna cry because I'm not some fucking crybaby
But what else can you do when your world caves in? It feels as if no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I cannot win. I got a 75 on a paper I worked my ass off for and even met with the teacher about. I don't do C papers. I have never gotten anything below a B on a paper and she gives me a goddamn C?? I got a 91 on her essay test and a 100 on all of her quizzes. Does getting a C on the paper make sense?? Then there's my communications class. I spent 3 solid weeks working on the paper, researching, analyzing and writing my fucking ass off for that paper and I only got a B+. My friend did this half-assed thing and got a fucking A. Then, we had to do a presentation in front of the class about anything. I did mine on what I though to be an interesting topic that we never covered in class. The girl who went before me did hers on something the teacher has spent so many fucking lectures on and has pretty much beaten a dead horse. She got an A and I got a B. Especially since I am bad at public speaking and I usually shake and forget how to speak and say "uhm" every second, but this time I was good, I didn't say a single "uhm" and I did good! I did fucking good!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? I am not some freak who must get straight A's, I am happy with B's but not when I earned an A.
It all makes me want to give up-quit school, kill myself-I just don't know anymore. What am I supposed to do? Even while writing this I can feel the tears pushing themselves out, yearning to be freed. But I can't. I won't cry. I'm not 5 years old anymore. This is the real world, this is fucking life. I have to deal with this shit and that's that. I can't rely on what my belief in me is anymore because it is apparantly wrong. I know when I have written a good paper, I know when I have done a good presentation. Well, I guess I don't know at all. I guess I'm just a fucking moron who can't write to save her life.
I hate this. I want to cry. I want to yell. I want to kill. I don't want to be around anyone, just crawl into a tiny ball on the floor until the sobs take over my body and I can no longer feel anything.
This pretty much sums it up, it came on after I finished this entry...
The Road I'm On
by: 3 Doors Down
She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living in between the lines
And all of the stars, they sparkle and shine every day
He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way, yeah
CHORUS:
And I know you feel helpless now
And I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I'm on, yeah
He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it all between the lines
Of everything I want and I want to find one of these days, yeah
CHORUS 2:
What you thought was real in life
Has somehow steered you wrong
And now you just keep drivin', tryin' to find out where you belong
It all makes me want to give up-quit school, kill myself-I just don't know anymore. What am I supposed to do? Even while writing this I can feel the tears pushing themselves out, yearning to be freed. But I can't. I won't cry. I'm not 5 years old anymore. This is the real world, this is fucking life. I have to deal with this shit and that's that. I can't rely on what my belief in me is anymore because it is apparantly wrong. I know when I have written a good paper, I know when I have done a good presentation. Well, I guess I don't know at all. I guess I'm just a fucking moron who can't write to save her life.
I hate this. I want to cry. I want to yell. I want to kill. I don't want to be around anyone, just crawl into a tiny ball on the floor until the sobs take over my body and I can no longer feel anything.
This pretty much sums it up, it came on after I finished this entry...
The Road I'm On
by: 3 Doors Down
She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living in between the lines
And all of the stars, they sparkle and shine every day
He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way, yeah
CHORUS:
And I know you feel helpless now
And I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road that I'm on, yeah
He said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you keep it all between the lines
Of everything I want and I want to find one of these days, yeah
CHORUS 2:
What you thought was real in life
Has somehow steered you wrong
And now you just keep drivin', tryin' to find out where you belong