maybe I am crazy afterall
I am in this odd mood that is a mixture of depression and anger. My life has been just shitty lately and nothing has been going right at all. I haven't had any happy news in the longest time that it's turning me into this depressed lump. I feel like either crying or fucking punching the wall. I had an interesting chat with Antoine the other day-it definitely put me in a bad mood. I don't even know why I talk to him anymore. Obviously all of my residual anger about us has not subsided and I still hold a grudge (which doesn't look like it will subside any time soon.) No matter how much I try to forget about how badly I got hurt I still hate him. It sounds bad to say I hate him, but I have tried forgiving and forgetting and moving on but every time I talk to him all of the repressed anger rises up again and I hate him even more. I don't think I will ever be able to get over it so I might as well just stop talking to him altogether. I don't consider it as losing a friend; I consider it getting what's left of my sanity back.
I'm lonely. And what I don’t get is how Antoine has found someone so quickly and has such a deep intimate connection with them and I am still left alone, by myself, and single. What have I done wrong so that I was not deserving of a love? How come all these people that I know are not good people are in deep intimate relationships? What have I done? Should I become a bad person who complains about every little thing to anyone who will listen and be a bitch about my little space and act like an asshole? Maybe then I will get someone who cares about me-is that the way it fucking works?? Because I am sick and tired of seeing people who are clearly undeserving of a partner involved with someone. It makes me want to just grab a gun and start shooting anybody I fucking pass. Hrmph. Looks like my depression turned into anger again.
It has taken all the strength I have not to start crying. So many things have gone wrong in my life, so why am I not crying my eyes out right now? Why am I not curled into a tiny ball on the floor expressing all of my insecurities. Life just comes so easily for some people, they enjoy it and are happy, but I am stuck in this miserable pit of despair.
I fucking hate people.
I have been listening to my music downloaded in my computer and I realized that I don't have enough pissed off songs. I need some good anger songs that can let me unleash a bit of myself. I really miss pirate radio for The Offspring. It got me through some tough times because The Offspring were great anger releasers.
This entry has been all over the place. No, I'm not bipolar nor do I have split personalities. I am just a college student who is fed up with everything-fed up with life.
I'm lonely. And what I don’t get is how Antoine has found someone so quickly and has such a deep intimate connection with them and I am still left alone, by myself, and single. What have I done wrong so that I was not deserving of a love? How come all these people that I know are not good people are in deep intimate relationships? What have I done? Should I become a bad person who complains about every little thing to anyone who will listen and be a bitch about my little space and act like an asshole? Maybe then I will get someone who cares about me-is that the way it fucking works?? Because I am sick and tired of seeing people who are clearly undeserving of a partner involved with someone. It makes me want to just grab a gun and start shooting anybody I fucking pass. Hrmph. Looks like my depression turned into anger again.
It has taken all the strength I have not to start crying. So many things have gone wrong in my life, so why am I not crying my eyes out right now? Why am I not curled into a tiny ball on the floor expressing all of my insecurities. Life just comes so easily for some people, they enjoy it and are happy, but I am stuck in this miserable pit of despair.
I fucking hate people.
I have been listening to my music downloaded in my computer and I realized that I don't have enough pissed off songs. I need some good anger songs that can let me unleash a bit of myself. I really miss pirate radio for The Offspring. It got me through some tough times because The Offspring were great anger releasers.
This entry has been all over the place. No, I'm not bipolar nor do I have split personalities. I am just a college student who is fed up with everything-fed up with life.