The Great Disappointment

[merrick13]

Mom didn't get into Baltimore or Detroit... there's a chance when she goes in to apply the clearing house on Monday she'll find an opening somewhere else. I'm in utter shock. I know she can do it, I know she'll find something, but I feel like going to pieces, and it's not even about me. The thing of it is, I hate waiting... we've already waited this long to find out that she didn't make it, and now we have to wait longer to see if she can get in somewhere else. She seems to think we'll know by Monday or Tuesday, but some people don't find out for a couple months. My impatience is needless... but I can't seem to get rid of it. I'm trying to do things, think about other things, but all I keep thinking about is wanting to be out of this house, wanting to be with Charlie. And now I can't even start making plans for the two of us to be together until we find out what Mom has to do next. I was worried... worried about this complicating things, causing problems for Charlie getting to me... but I promised him I wouldn't worry anymore. I think he might be right - everything will work out... so now it's just the waiting and wondering how things will be resolved. I'm afraid he worries about me, he knows I'm afraid of things not working out, but I just can't shake all the uneasiness untill I have answers and we can start making plans, start figuring things out. He's so caring though... I feel I should mention this - I've never been so sure that one person was always thinking about me, caring about me, worried about me. It's amazing how much someone worrying about you can make you feel important. I don't want him to worry, but knowing he's so concerned for me... I just have no doubts. If I really do have more time, I want to go see him again, but I'm not sure about money at this point. I may have to save up for a while first. Though I feel somewhat reassured, well very reassured, by his confidence and his sencerity in wanting to be with me as badly as I want to be with him, I still miss him. Some days it is enough just to talk or even better to hear his voice for a little while, other days I think I might go crazy because I don't know how long it will be and it feels sometimes like it could be forever.

Yesterday, in my attempts to force my fearful thoughts out of my mind, I attempted to write some of my more personal thoughts and feelings in a message to Charlie, but my mom kept coming in my room and interrupting my thoughts. I'm afraid now that I may have lost the moment, the feeling, the specific thoughts I was focusing on and wanting to share with him... I've kept what little I was able to write down before I gave up on concentraiting. I hope I can resume it again...

I need to do something constructive, anything, I just don't know what. I keep thinking I should be working on some new pieces, especially with several orders made, but for some reason I feel uncreative and sour. Tomorrow I have to force myself, or I will never get it done. I can't start something with this if I let my depression and laziness consume me.

I thought I'd try to do something before bed, but I'm getting more and more tired... Maybe if I go to bed now, I can make myself get up at a normal hour... maybe I should start exorcising tomorrow...

All I really want, is for my space to be mine, and for something to get my life moving into this transisition I've been waiting for.