"...what I've become is so burdensome..."
Tomorrow is big day 1. Mom is so certain she's getting in somewhere, and yet she's on edge. Maybe my complaining is sounding horribly selfish. I must admit I will be happy for her, but my mind is on my own situation. Charlie would probably be so ashamed of me if he knew how focused I am on myself and my own worries...
I know in my heart where I want to be and the very thought of anything getting in the way of that is enough to push me over the edge. But I've promised him I won't worry... I know he doesn't want me to worry, and I trust him with all my heart. But some times my fears are overwhelming.
I'm trying to push it away. The really big day isn't until Monday. And the thought keeps occuring to me that I'm so worried about myself instead of my mother, who is the one truly affected by this. How is it I can be so completely selfish? And how can I worry so much when I trust him as completely as I do? I feel a bit of a failure at being a good human being at the moment...
At least Charlie called me tonight. Hearing his voice was calming, even though it was not for too long, and even though I still get so nervous on the phone that I probably make the situation more akward. Even for that short time I was completely calm and unafraid, knowing that he was thinking about me enough to want to talk to me, even if I didn't say much, to know that he cares and understands my worries...
I don't want to second guess myself anymore, I don't want to second guess my feelings... I have no reason to.
I know in my heart where I want to be and the very thought of anything getting in the way of that is enough to push me over the edge. But I've promised him I won't worry... I know he doesn't want me to worry, and I trust him with all my heart. But some times my fears are overwhelming.
I'm trying to push it away. The really big day isn't until Monday. And the thought keeps occuring to me that I'm so worried about myself instead of my mother, who is the one truly affected by this. How is it I can be so completely selfish? And how can I worry so much when I trust him as completely as I do? I feel a bit of a failure at being a good human being at the moment...
At least Charlie called me tonight. Hearing his voice was calming, even though it was not for too long, and even though I still get so nervous on the phone that I probably make the situation more akward. Even for that short time I was completely calm and unafraid, knowing that he was thinking about me enough to want to talk to me, even if I didn't say much, to know that he cares and understands my worries...
I don't want to second guess myself anymore, I don't want to second guess my feelings... I have no reason to.