"I need direction to perfection..."
I feel like I should write something but I don't really want to. My moods have been swinging from utter bliss to pure bewilderment. I just don't want to face my thoughts. I've finally gotten the worries to stop - I am determined to do whatever it takes to get what I want, so why worry about things working out? So as I'm happily distracted with thoughts of my blissful future, my mother is struggling. For far too long I worried about what happened to my mother would affect me... it's true I need my parent's support, but I'm limiting so many possibilities... and I've finally realized this. But my mom, I feel like she's blocking herself. Detroit and Baltimore are both out - we found out on Friday. So next we thought there's still Monday and something will open up, things will work out. Today, she and my dad left for the clearing house and went through the exausting process of applying to whatever else was open. So currently, we're waiting to hear from Lansing, Toronto, and California... I feel the dread of the thoughts of how would things work out if we were to go to California trying to seep into my head, for now I've blocked it out. Perhaps going with mom is not how things will go... but I have to stop, I don't want to worry about the how. If I let the questions and possibilities of how get through then it's over and I'll have to fight the battle from the begining. Needless to say the stress is getting to my mom. I'm doing the best I can to be supportive. I suppose I should stop second-guessing myself. I feel a bit selfish, I try to help but then I start to wish it would just all be over as if I'm the one that's having the hard time. But the negativity and worry is flowing in waves around the house and it's wearing me down. So here I am, happy one minute and completely depressed the next.
On top of the insanely dramatic mood-swings, I've been having nightmares. Not constantly, but more frequent than normal. And as much as I sound like a non-believer, the damn dreamcatcher does not work...
There are strange trends with my nightmares - last night it was needles again, not just needles but shots or injections of some kind. I don't know why. I was scheduled for the second of my vaccine shots today, but I don't even feel those - I don't know why I'd be having nightmares about them. The only other explination is my EMG coming up on Wednesday, though that's a different kind of needle.
I'll probably write more about the dream later, but I'm going to bed now... I simply am too tired to form coherant thoughts.
On top of the insanely dramatic mood-swings, I've been having nightmares. Not constantly, but more frequent than normal. And as much as I sound like a non-believer, the damn dreamcatcher does not work...
There are strange trends with my nightmares - last night it was needles again, not just needles but shots or injections of some kind. I don't know why. I was scheduled for the second of my vaccine shots today, but I don't even feel those - I don't know why I'd be having nightmares about them. The only other explination is my EMG coming up on Wednesday, though that's a different kind of needle.
I'll probably write more about the dream later, but I'm going to bed now... I simply am too tired to form coherant thoughts.