Gratitude.
Since I officially became a single mother, I have experienced so much kindness and support from people around me. It surprised me completely. While I was living in a relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend and father of my children, I felt so alone in this world. I felt like I had to carry everything on my own. Now as I literally am alone with the kids, people have stepped forward to offer their support.
There are still those moments when I am completely alone and when it is not possible to reach for other people. There are those moments when I know the help is there, but that I still have to deal with the emotional stuff on my own. There are still moments when I think that I can't do this. I forget the gloves, boots or a scarf. I only have energy to maintain the level of mild disarray in the house, but not clean up the bigger cluttered areas. Last week I only cooked one meal by myself. Everything else was store bought and on many nights we didn't even eat a warm meal, just some toast. The kids eat two meals at daycare and preschool and often don't have much of an appetite at home. So I sometimes skip the warm meal too, because I just don't feel like cooking only for myself.
But regardless the difficult moments, I am grateful.
I am grateful for my mother. I feel like I can't ever really repay all of this to her. She is not the motherly type. Being with the kids is not natural and easy for her. She loses her cool easily and loud noises annoy her. She loves my kids to bits, but she prefers them in smaller doses not all day long. Same goes with my father. And yet they have both been babysitting for me, so that I've been able to work at the theatre or to take time off and go to see E. They've gone above and beyond what I expected. My mother has organized her work around my schedules & bought me groceries on numerous occations, without me having to ask her to do these things for me. She was always a phone call away when I faced the first weekend without the kids as their dad had them. I cried through the whole weekend and the whole next week and my mother called me several times aday just to make sure I was even remotely ok. My parents have also organized so much fun activities for the kids to do and to take their mind of all these huge changes happening in their lives. I have no energy to do trips, picnics or go to see a kid-friendly concert. I barely get through the every day stuff. So I am really happy someone comes up with these nice things to do. I go along and participate, but it would be completely beyond my capabilities to organize such things right now. I am so grateful for my parents. I know they don't have a lot of money and they have their own health problems and other stuff to deal with and yet they are here for me whenever I need.
My neighbor, who is my mother's old friend and also my close friend has been my savior so many times. My parents live far and can't be here on a moment's notice. My neighbor has watched the kids while I take care of urgent matters. She has come over to chat and found me in tears, because I am just so tired and taken the kids to play outside, to give me a moment to myself. She has invited us all over for coffee, juice and apple pie and lifted our spirits. She has talked things through with me when I have felt nothing makes sense and even sat in my house at 2am while I took ex-boyfriend to ER after a suicide attempt. She has been such a good friend and done so much more than I could have ever asked of her. I hope I can one day help her too.
I am grateful for my two closest friends who have come to see me to make sure that I am ok. Who have encouraged me to keep up my exercise routine and made me take time to have fun. They have listened to me relationship troubles for years and now that my relationship ended, they have been there. They've watched my kids, come over in the middle of the night because I was crying hysterically. But most of all they've given me so many fun and happy moments in the middle of otherwise dark time in my life. I know that whenever we get together, I feel better afterwards. They make me smile, giggle and rememeber there are good things in life too.
I am also extremely grateful for E. I am grateful to simply have him in my life. It was such a miracle that he re-entered my life on the very moment when everything was crashing down around me. He has listened to me, watched me cry on Facetime without being able to really do anything for me except be there. He has held me, put up with my crazy fluctuating moods and the crying that never seemed to end. His life is extremely difficult right now and yet he still is there for me. Speaking with him almost daily gives me so much. Knowing that there is this one person on this planet who is thinking of me, missing me and loving me, even though we can't be together right now... it makes such a difference. Having something to look forward to in the future, it keeps me going. I dream of our life together in the future. He has given me hope when I had none. He has given me a reason to believe there are good men too. He has forgiven me for walking away from him 9 years ago and is completely ready to open up his heart for me again, even though I already broke it once. Because of E I believe I can love and be happy again. I'm pushing myself to step beyond my limits, to learn new languages and to just go with the flow without overanalyzing every single thing. I am so grateful and happy that he loves me. He is such a caring and good person who wants to help everyone he loves. It inspires me immensely. When I am actually physically with him, everything feels possible. I feel like I can face anything if he is by my side. But it is not obsessive or I don't feel like I need him in order to succeed, I just feel like there's nothing we can't do when we are together. We give each other strength. I do need him in my life. I want to need him there. It is hard to be so far away. I am grateful for each and every moment I can spend with him.
I am also grateful for every single person who has asked if they can help or do something for me. It means so much. My other neighbor, who was very recently diagnosed with diabetes and has two young children of her own and a husband who works mainly night shifts, offered to do my shopping for me. Her own life is stressful and she is going through a huge life change with her diagnosis and yet she worries how I get along. These offers truly touch my heart. I feel kind of blessed that there are so many people I can turn to.
There are still those moments when I am completely alone and when it is not possible to reach for other people. There are those moments when I know the help is there, but that I still have to deal with the emotional stuff on my own. There are still moments when I think that I can't do this. I forget the gloves, boots or a scarf. I only have energy to maintain the level of mild disarray in the house, but not clean up the bigger cluttered areas. Last week I only cooked one meal by myself. Everything else was store bought and on many nights we didn't even eat a warm meal, just some toast. The kids eat two meals at daycare and preschool and often don't have much of an appetite at home. So I sometimes skip the warm meal too, because I just don't feel like cooking only for myself.
But regardless the difficult moments, I am grateful.
I am grateful for my mother. I feel like I can't ever really repay all of this to her. She is not the motherly type. Being with the kids is not natural and easy for her. She loses her cool easily and loud noises annoy her. She loves my kids to bits, but she prefers them in smaller doses not all day long. Same goes with my father. And yet they have both been babysitting for me, so that I've been able to work at the theatre or to take time off and go to see E. They've gone above and beyond what I expected. My mother has organized her work around my schedules & bought me groceries on numerous occations, without me having to ask her to do these things for me. She was always a phone call away when I faced the first weekend without the kids as their dad had them. I cried through the whole weekend and the whole next week and my mother called me several times aday just to make sure I was even remotely ok. My parents have also organized so much fun activities for the kids to do and to take their mind of all these huge changes happening in their lives. I have no energy to do trips, picnics or go to see a kid-friendly concert. I barely get through the every day stuff. So I am really happy someone comes up with these nice things to do. I go along and participate, but it would be completely beyond my capabilities to organize such things right now. I am so grateful for my parents. I know they don't have a lot of money and they have their own health problems and other stuff to deal with and yet they are here for me whenever I need.
My neighbor, who is my mother's old friend and also my close friend has been my savior so many times. My parents live far and can't be here on a moment's notice. My neighbor has watched the kids while I take care of urgent matters. She has come over to chat and found me in tears, because I am just so tired and taken the kids to play outside, to give me a moment to myself. She has invited us all over for coffee, juice and apple pie and lifted our spirits. She has talked things through with me when I have felt nothing makes sense and even sat in my house at 2am while I took ex-boyfriend to ER after a suicide attempt. She has been such a good friend and done so much more than I could have ever asked of her. I hope I can one day help her too.
I am grateful for my two closest friends who have come to see me to make sure that I am ok. Who have encouraged me to keep up my exercise routine and made me take time to have fun. They have listened to me relationship troubles for years and now that my relationship ended, they have been there. They've watched my kids, come over in the middle of the night because I was crying hysterically. But most of all they've given me so many fun and happy moments in the middle of otherwise dark time in my life. I know that whenever we get together, I feel better afterwards. They make me smile, giggle and rememeber there are good things in life too.
I am also extremely grateful for E. I am grateful to simply have him in my life. It was such a miracle that he re-entered my life on the very moment when everything was crashing down around me. He has listened to me, watched me cry on Facetime without being able to really do anything for me except be there. He has held me, put up with my crazy fluctuating moods and the crying that never seemed to end. His life is extremely difficult right now and yet he still is there for me. Speaking with him almost daily gives me so much. Knowing that there is this one person on this planet who is thinking of me, missing me and loving me, even though we can't be together right now... it makes such a difference. Having something to look forward to in the future, it keeps me going. I dream of our life together in the future. He has given me hope when I had none. He has given me a reason to believe there are good men too. He has forgiven me for walking away from him 9 years ago and is completely ready to open up his heart for me again, even though I already broke it once. Because of E I believe I can love and be happy again. I'm pushing myself to step beyond my limits, to learn new languages and to just go with the flow without overanalyzing every single thing. I am so grateful and happy that he loves me. He is such a caring and good person who wants to help everyone he loves. It inspires me immensely. When I am actually physically with him, everything feels possible. I feel like I can face anything if he is by my side. But it is not obsessive or I don't feel like I need him in order to succeed, I just feel like there's nothing we can't do when we are together. We give each other strength. I do need him in my life. I want to need him there. It is hard to be so far away. I am grateful for each and every moment I can spend with him.
I am also grateful for every single person who has asked if they can help or do something for me. It means so much. My other neighbor, who was very recently diagnosed with diabetes and has two young children of her own and a husband who works mainly night shifts, offered to do my shopping for me. Her own life is stressful and she is going through a huge life change with her diagnosis and yet she worries how I get along. These offers truly touch my heart. I feel kind of blessed that there are so many people I can turn to.