Thoughts in my head
My therapist once again reminded me what a great way journalling is to deal with my emotional issues. I don't know why it is so difficult for me these days to sit down and write out the thoughts in my head. I have nothing against it and I know that writing gives me clarity. I just don't seem to get around doing it much. I guess I am out of habit.
I've recently reached my first goal weight in my weightloss journey. It is not where I want to end up, but something I set as a point on the way there. I'm finding out now that I need to take some time off from the weightloss focus in my entire life. My head needs time to catch up with the change this far and the exercising has lost its joy. I'm trying out new things and hoping to find something that works for me. What I did for almost a year is just not cutting it anymore.
Running makes me feel good in the moment, but I don't get that runner's high as so many other people do. I have nothing against running and I do love the feeling of air expanding my lungs as I push myself to run further and faster. But it doesn't ignite me with that spark of wanting to do more and more. That's what I felt with HIIT routines, pilates and zumba, running as well. Now none of those give me the excitement. I'm trying weightlifting at the gym now. And I've tried out some barre workouts because I used to dance ballet as a youngster and love it. I'm also setting myself more challenges. I try to go further, faster and lift heavier. But I kind of feel this is more in my head than about the forms of exercise.
I've meditated and done yoga and stretching this week. I am desperately to leave behind this dreariness and exhaustion I've been feeling. I need to start feeling better about myself and my life. I feel like I am closer to getting there, making the break for it and running away from those negative voices for good. I feel lighter. I worry less. I'm no longer carrying everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I am learning to say no so I can say yes more to those things I really want to do.
But I am also still feeling scared. I'm self-sabotaging by procrastinating stuff that shouldn't be delayed but just dealt with. I'm standing on my way. I'm hesitating because of uncertainty, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. It is my challenge in this moment. I need to find the direction, accept and embrace the uncertainty and just go for it. No promise is forever. I can always figure things out anew if all goes sideways. I am really scared to think about the possibility that things don't work out, that he doesn't get his permit renewed. Everything looks so promising now in this moment. It will devastating to lose everything I've dreamed about. I know I can survive that too, but quite honestly I do not want to even go there. I just don't know how I could pick up my pieces if I lost him, because of stupid thing that is out of our control. Life is not that black and white and there are other ways to build a life together, but if he is not willing to do that and I can't... If neither of us can give in, there will be no future together. I don't think for me it is possible to do more than promise I'll move for him into another country in Europe. To go further is not possible for me. I need to provide the kids the possibility to see their father and if he would be a 12 hour flight away... that's just too far. For them I can't do it. He says he can't come to my country because he is scared to repeat his earlier mistakes. I think that is a wrong way to live, but it is his life. I can't force him to come to me if he doesn't want to. But it does break my heart that he can say so calmly and surely that he will rather finish the relationship for good than even try a life in my country if it is the last possibility on earth.
It is so hard to have faith in the future when this permit situation is hanging over us. I'm just literally waiting for July and the day when we know for sure if we have a future together or not. I thought about just cooling things off until then, but the truth is that I'd rather take these last months with him even if they were to be our last than give up now to avoid more pain in case of a heartbreak. I think we belong together and there has to be a way to do it. There has to be a way for us to be together. Life just can't be so cruel that it would separate us. We've both had hard time for the past 2 years and we deserve some happiness and sunshine.
I need to find that faith in the future and in good things happening in this unjust world. I need to let go of the fear and just believe we will have everything we dream of. We will be together. Our love will last. It has lasted through one year of difficulties and being thousands of miles apart. It can last a bit more hard times. And then we will have that day when we can finally be together, live under the same roof, wake up and fall asleep next to eachother, have a family. Patience. I have so little patience.
Before I felt drowned, suffocated, paralyzed by this situation. Now it doesn't affect me like that. Now I hang somewhere above that desperation and doom. I'm not feeling joyful or super positive either, but can somehow trust that the life will provide us with a solution or if not we'll figure out what we do once we get there. I hope.
I guess the hope is the key. I hang on to the hope.
I've recently reached my first goal weight in my weightloss journey. It is not where I want to end up, but something I set as a point on the way there. I'm finding out now that I need to take some time off from the weightloss focus in my entire life. My head needs time to catch up with the change this far and the exercising has lost its joy. I'm trying out new things and hoping to find something that works for me. What I did for almost a year is just not cutting it anymore.
Running makes me feel good in the moment, but I don't get that runner's high as so many other people do. I have nothing against running and I do love the feeling of air expanding my lungs as I push myself to run further and faster. But it doesn't ignite me with that spark of wanting to do more and more. That's what I felt with HIIT routines, pilates and zumba, running as well. Now none of those give me the excitement. I'm trying weightlifting at the gym now. And I've tried out some barre workouts because I used to dance ballet as a youngster and love it. I'm also setting myself more challenges. I try to go further, faster and lift heavier. But I kind of feel this is more in my head than about the forms of exercise.
I've meditated and done yoga and stretching this week. I am desperately to leave behind this dreariness and exhaustion I've been feeling. I need to start feeling better about myself and my life. I feel like I am closer to getting there, making the break for it and running away from those negative voices for good. I feel lighter. I worry less. I'm no longer carrying everyone else's problems on my shoulders. I am learning to say no so I can say yes more to those things I really want to do.
But I am also still feeling scared. I'm self-sabotaging by procrastinating stuff that shouldn't be delayed but just dealt with. I'm standing on my way. I'm hesitating because of uncertainty, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. It is my challenge in this moment. I need to find the direction, accept and embrace the uncertainty and just go for it. No promise is forever. I can always figure things out anew if all goes sideways. I am really scared to think about the possibility that things don't work out, that he doesn't get his permit renewed. Everything looks so promising now in this moment. It will devastating to lose everything I've dreamed about. I know I can survive that too, but quite honestly I do not want to even go there. I just don't know how I could pick up my pieces if I lost him, because of stupid thing that is out of our control. Life is not that black and white and there are other ways to build a life together, but if he is not willing to do that and I can't... If neither of us can give in, there will be no future together. I don't think for me it is possible to do more than promise I'll move for him into another country in Europe. To go further is not possible for me. I need to provide the kids the possibility to see their father and if he would be a 12 hour flight away... that's just too far. For them I can't do it. He says he can't come to my country because he is scared to repeat his earlier mistakes. I think that is a wrong way to live, but it is his life. I can't force him to come to me if he doesn't want to. But it does break my heart that he can say so calmly and surely that he will rather finish the relationship for good than even try a life in my country if it is the last possibility on earth.
It is so hard to have faith in the future when this permit situation is hanging over us. I'm just literally waiting for July and the day when we know for sure if we have a future together or not. I thought about just cooling things off until then, but the truth is that I'd rather take these last months with him even if they were to be our last than give up now to avoid more pain in case of a heartbreak. I think we belong together and there has to be a way to do it. There has to be a way for us to be together. Life just can't be so cruel that it would separate us. We've both had hard time for the past 2 years and we deserve some happiness and sunshine.
I need to find that faith in the future and in good things happening in this unjust world. I need to let go of the fear and just believe we will have everything we dream of. We will be together. Our love will last. It has lasted through one year of difficulties and being thousands of miles apart. It can last a bit more hard times. And then we will have that day when we can finally be together, live under the same roof, wake up and fall asleep next to eachother, have a family. Patience. I have so little patience.
Before I felt drowned, suffocated, paralyzed by this situation. Now it doesn't affect me like that. Now I hang somewhere above that desperation and doom. I'm not feeling joyful or super positive either, but can somehow trust that the life will provide us with a solution or if not we'll figure out what we do once we get there. I hope.
I guess the hope is the key. I hang on to the hope.