Aug 19, 2013 15:56
I don't know why today is such a crap day. There is no reason for it to be really.
This is my first official weekend without children as a single mother. And it is not a weekend but 5 days. I am going a little crazy alone in the house.
I feel the pressure to do all things useful and at the same time all I want to do is cry. I am so damn alone. And it is not the feeling of being alone in the house, but being alone in this life. It is hitting me hard today. I don't know how to be alone, do things alone, make decisions alone. We are all ultimately alone in life. Those moments when it hits you, they are scary.
My friends are working and busy with their own lives. I know they are and I can't really blame them. I'm jealous of their lives. I was supposed to meet my friends tonight, but my ride had to cancel because of overtime at work. So I'm stuck at home for another night by myself. Last night I finally got the migraine that has been promising to arrive since Friday. I was so stressed about the meeting on Friday with the social worker & my ex to agree about custody, visitation and money. I knew I would get a migraine afterwards, but it took 2 days to arrive. So I didn't speak with E last night. I slept in a dark room.
I guess the meeting made this all official. I am now a single mother in all the papers too. I get the minimum child support payment and my ex is not even paying all of that. The government will help him out. I find it quite unfair that if my ex should become unemployed, he will have to pay next to nothing & the government pays everything he can't pay. I am currently unemployed, but that has nothing to do with anything. I still have to find money to pay the food, clothes, doctor's bills, hobbies, everything. He has no obligation to help with any expenses after he has paid his child support or government has paid it for him.
Money is not the issue though. I can live with what we get. I just cut the spending to minimum. And I'm sure the grandparents will help me with hobbies and bigger purchases whenever it is necessary. It just feels unfair how little the dad has to do. One weekend per month and couple of hundred euros. That is the responsibility of a father. That is so fucking little.
I'd like to think he will try to be more of a father than that. But the truth is, I'm afraid he will settle for as little as possible.
E is having a difficult time as well and we had to cancel my trip to see him, because neither of us really has the money right now. I was looking forward to being with him. I need to be with him so much. Hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, fall asleep in his arms and feel safe and not alone. Feel like there is someone in this world for me.
I know that I have to get through this alone. I have to deal with these emotions and fears alone. No one can really help me. I just have to persevere until I feel better. But being with friends and my kids and skyping with E, those all help, because I am reminded why I made my decisions, why I am in this situation now and why this is better than the alternative. I am reminded that I have all these great people in my life who like me and want good things for me.
When I am alone, I overthink everything and I keep on thinking and thinking and worrying and everything is crap after that.
It just feels like this weekend all the people I normally turn to when I need support are busy with their own problems, own lives, own things and I'm having a really hard time getting out of this hole I've dug for myself with my dark thoughts, fears and frustrations. I'm trying to be easy on myself and be understanding, but at the same time I'm constantly mentally kicking myself for not moving ahead in life fast enough.
My emotions are a rollercoaster right now. Yesterday I was pretty much on top of the world before the migraine hit. Today I woke up tired, because that is what a migraine does to me. I had a dentist appointment, which usually tends to make my day hell every single time. I hate going to the dentist. And then I walk back home to the empty, messy house and have no energy or desire to clean, to do anything really. I find out that my friend cancelled the girls' night tonight and E is MIA from Facebook although it is his day off and he promised to speak to me during the day today.
I've tried cleaning, doing the laundry and everytime I start doing something useful, I start crying. I don't know if this is the moment when the magnitude of my life change hits me. I can't help the crying. The tears just flow and I don't really know what I am crying about. Everything I suppose. I try not to cry in front of the children, so I guess this is what I have been holding inside of me. Better let it out probably.
e,
life,
low point,
breakup,
single parenting