Overwhelmed.
I try to remember to turn to this journal when I feel overwhelmed. I have felt overwhelmed almost all day today.
1. I had a meeting with the daycare about my daughter moving to a pre-school in the autumn. She has had some problems, especially sensory sensitivity issues lately. There were 8 people in this meeting, including a psychologist & a teacher for special needs children. It was okay. But I was really worried. My experiences with the daycare have been a little negative and I've been stressing about this meeting so long. The note on my corkboard has been teasing me for months.
2. By the time I got out of the meeting, the psychiatric hospital in charge of boyfriend's care had called me twice. I called them back, right there on the daycare parking lot. They wanted to know how things were going, because apparently boyfriend had called them completely off his head drunk and babbled something they had hard time understanding. They wanted to check with me to make sure everything is ok. The man on the other end was kind of shocked how badly everything is. He asked me to bring boyfriend to the hospital, but I am not sure if he will agree to go.
3. I have tried to leave him three times already. The first two times he didn't remember anything of our conversations. I never try to talk reason to him when he is completely drunk, but how do you have that discussion with someone who is drunk all the time? There comes a point when you just don't want to wait anymore. Things are so out of control that I have no longer no desire to try to fix them. It is way beyond my skills to do anything about this now, anything other than take the kids and leave. It scares me, overwhelms me and makes me really sad. I am sad that he feels so bad, that this is the only way he knows how to cope, that we will all lose so much that could have been. There is no ifs and buts about my decision. This situation is so bad. Even if I still wanted to do my all to fix our relationship, which I don't, there is no way I can keep on living in this situation with him and the children in the same house. It is traumatic for me and no doubt many times more so to the children. I need to think of myself & the children. I feel like I am drowning in this.
4. Me and the holiday romance guy I recently found again, have been talking every single day both on Facebook and on Facetime. I am utterly surprised by all these feelings coming so strongly back to me. What we had 10 years ago was so brief and so unreal in so many ways and yet it has made a huge impact on both of us. It overwhelms me too, all these emotions swirling inside of me. My heart pounds so hard everytime I see him or receive a message from him. I want to give him space, but at the same time I want to be with him 24 hours a day. Within moments of finding each other we were talking about meeting each other again. It's like the connection is so strong it becomes impossible to resist. We are drawn to each other. 10 year has passed, we both have had our share of relationships and are in difficult places in our lives, and yet now that we found each other again, what we once had and what could be now overrides everything. I want to make this work so badly, but it will ot be easy. We both need time to work our personal lives out & even after that it'll be long-distance for quite some time. It is so hard to deal with these feelings at the same time as all this other stuff is going on in my life.
I am thankful that I found him, but I am also terrified of all these millions of things that could go wrong. Overwhelmed is the word of the day. How does one person take and process all this? I do not know.
1. I had a meeting with the daycare about my daughter moving to a pre-school in the autumn. She has had some problems, especially sensory sensitivity issues lately. There were 8 people in this meeting, including a psychologist & a teacher for special needs children. It was okay. But I was really worried. My experiences with the daycare have been a little negative and I've been stressing about this meeting so long. The note on my corkboard has been teasing me for months.
2. By the time I got out of the meeting, the psychiatric hospital in charge of boyfriend's care had called me twice. I called them back, right there on the daycare parking lot. They wanted to know how things were going, because apparently boyfriend had called them completely off his head drunk and babbled something they had hard time understanding. They wanted to check with me to make sure everything is ok. The man on the other end was kind of shocked how badly everything is. He asked me to bring boyfriend to the hospital, but I am not sure if he will agree to go.
3. I have tried to leave him three times already. The first two times he didn't remember anything of our conversations. I never try to talk reason to him when he is completely drunk, but how do you have that discussion with someone who is drunk all the time? There comes a point when you just don't want to wait anymore. Things are so out of control that I have no longer no desire to try to fix them. It is way beyond my skills to do anything about this now, anything other than take the kids and leave. It scares me, overwhelms me and makes me really sad. I am sad that he feels so bad, that this is the only way he knows how to cope, that we will all lose so much that could have been. There is no ifs and buts about my decision. This situation is so bad. Even if I still wanted to do my all to fix our relationship, which I don't, there is no way I can keep on living in this situation with him and the children in the same house. It is traumatic for me and no doubt many times more so to the children. I need to think of myself & the children. I feel like I am drowning in this.
4. Me and the holiday romance guy I recently found again, have been talking every single day both on Facebook and on Facetime. I am utterly surprised by all these feelings coming so strongly back to me. What we had 10 years ago was so brief and so unreal in so many ways and yet it has made a huge impact on both of us. It overwhelms me too, all these emotions swirling inside of me. My heart pounds so hard everytime I see him or receive a message from him. I want to give him space, but at the same time I want to be with him 24 hours a day. Within moments of finding each other we were talking about meeting each other again. It's like the connection is so strong it becomes impossible to resist. We are drawn to each other. 10 year has passed, we both have had our share of relationships and are in difficult places in our lives, and yet now that we found each other again, what we once had and what could be now overrides everything. I want to make this work so badly, but it will ot be easy. We both need time to work our personal lives out & even after that it'll be long-distance for quite some time. It is so hard to deal with these feelings at the same time as all this other stuff is going on in my life.
I am thankful that I found him, but I am also terrified of all these millions of things that could go wrong. Overwhelmed is the word of the day. How does one person take and process all this? I do not know.