the unexpected things in life.
Months have passed since I have written. I don't know why I keep on not writing. It has always helped me to focus my thoughts and yet I just let things build up in my head. I promised my new therapist that I would write, so here I am once again.
Week ago my view of life was very bleak. I was completely consumed by the hopelessness of my life situation. My boyfriend had just couple of weeks earlier tried to take his own life by cutting his wrists. I can now see that I spent those first weeks in shock. I kept wondering how I was supposed to feel in this situation or actually why I werent feeling anything. It seemed like life kept on going by in full speed and I was just standing still, letting everything whizz by. Everything seemed kind of blurry and unimportant. Then I had my first meeting with my therapist.
She said that it was very traumatic watching your loved one trying to kill himself, in that kind of pain, wrestling the knife away from him or talking for hours to make him just come to sleep, so that I could sleep too, instead of worrying what he might do to himself. I guess it is weird for an outsider, but I really had not thought that I had been through something traumatic. I was so focused on getting him help, getting him care, that I just didn't even think how I had felt in the situation.
I remember being angry. It was the first and strongest reaction. I was angry at him for being so selfish, for not caring how his actions affect his children, his family and me. I was angry that he had once again thrown my help back at me, not caring at all that I keep on trying to help. I was really snappy at him and even refused to call for help, making him do it himself. Then I snapped out of it slightly and helped him get a towel to wrap around the wrist and made him held it up high while we waited for the ambulance. And after they took him to the hospital and I had to begin to explain the situation to my mother (his boss), his family, the social workers, the anger came back.
After my first therapist appointment I cried all the way back home. I just couldn't help it. I think I must have been holding the sadness and pain in so long that when one person actually noticed me and my pain, instead of focusing on him, it brought it all up. Since then I have began to cry about the silliest little things. I am very emotional all the time. I think it is all about releasing the emotions. They keep pouring out at most unfortunate moments.
I had my second appointment a week ago and I went there thinking I could keep my cool and not cry this time. I was wrong. I still cried all through the appointment. I think I cry a lot about the unfairness of it all. I find it so unfair for boyfriend that he isn't getting the kind of help he needs. It is also unfair for the kids and me. I can't really blame him for not knowing what to do. I don't know either and at least I am not in a deep depression as he is.
I have been so tired for so long. I was feeling like a complete failure. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, energetic and with a man who I adore above everything else. I was supposed to have time and patience for my children and we were supposed to do things together as a family. I have really hard time letting go of the idea of still once again having a happy family.
Then something unexpected happened. I found an old friend online. He is someone I met on a holiday 10 years ago and fell head over heels into a holiday romance with. We barely shared enough words on each others language to be able to communicate two words, but on the physical level we shared plenty of communication. I knew already then that he was special & I vowed that I would come back and keep in touch, which I as a silly twenty year old with problematic life never did. I guess I thought at first that he was just a holiday romance. I missed him terribly, but he was so far far away and it felt like an impossible distance. By that age I had already had one long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Great Britain and it didn't end very well. It was so hard to be away from him and when we were together we fought about everything, mainly about for it being so hard while we were apart. I didn't want to go there again. The language barrier was also something that kept me away. It felt like so much work to communicate through emails, to write them for hours with a dictionnary. It was just too much for me at that time in my life.
And yet I kept on regretting my choice. Every once in a while I thought about him, my heart did backflips and I wondered what he was doing, who he was with, had he found the love of his life or was he as lonely and confused as I was. Then I pushed his existence back into my head and told myself that the memories were beautiful but they were just memories.
Four days ago I found him on Facebook and immediately sent him a friend request. I didn't even stop to think about it like I usually do. That day had been particularly difficult with boyfriend. He had taken too many of his pills with alcohol and was completely out of his head drunk and incoherent. Needless to say I was feeling like crap and wished him to the deepest corners of hell. Finding an old friend was just what I needed to cheer myself up. I tried to get some sleep, but my adrenaline was running high from all the action that day and I found it hard to calm down. Then he accepted my friendship request and immediately began chatting to me.
I was so overwhelmed by emotion and panic that I began to cry. I wrote him that I couldn't believe that it was really him. He has moved to Europe from Latin America. He called it a miracle that we meet again and it truly feels like such an unlikely thing to happen that I would consider it a miracle as well. I told him that I have missed him and he told me he has missed me as well. There were a lot of things I tried to say that he didn't understand. He still really doesn't speak english much. Then I remembered I still have a note he wrote to me before I returned back home from my holiday and I took a photo of it for him. He took a photo of my address and sent it to me and we were both amazed how after 10 years we both still have eachother's notes, the original ones. I have carried my note in my purse for years and now it is in a pocket of my Filofax.
He then called me and we awkwardly tried to talk, failed to understand each other most of the time but were still unable to close the phone. Since then we have talked every day, mainly chatting in Facebook but also couple of times using skype. It is difficult because our schedules are very different. He works late at night and thus also sleeps late in the mornings. I wake up early and go to bed early. I've actually stayed awake two nights just talking with him.
I never thought I would have so much to talk with someone who i do not share language with. I use an online translator, my dictionnary and those few spanish courses I had in high school and together they seem to be working well. Part of my eagerness to communicate with him more is the chance to practise spanish. It's been so long since I got to practise my language skills and every conversation is a learning experience. Also I never really got to know him 10 years ago. It was more just young infatuation and lots of lust. Now I actually enjoy learning about his culture and what it has been like to move to such a different country.
I feel like this is the ray of sunshine I have been wishing for in my life. Everything has been pitch black for so long. Everything has gone wrong, been awful, painful and crap. I have been trying to tell myself that life cant be this awful forever and life has kept on proving me wrong. The little good times have been followed by bad times so gigantically bad that the good times feel like nothing. Having this one person to talk with and knowing that he has thought about me for 10 years, that the connection was not only in my head, that fills my heart with joy.
Since I found him, I've cleaned most of the house, washed loads of laundry, began running & now I am writing diary again. Its like I am injected with energy everytime I chat with him. I feel like I am worth something. I really feel like he supports me and although it is early days of our reconnaissance I kind of feel like I did back in 2003.
Life is surely unexpected. He is kind of single, kind of married, I am in a disastrous relationship with a suicidal man, who says he will kill himself if I ever leave him. I have two children, he has none, but wants them. We still live in different countries although on the same continent now. We still don't really share a language and communication is a lot of work. I don't know what might happen in the future, but he is surely giving me something to think about.
Like I said earlier, my life wasn't supposed to be like this. I have a chance to do something I regretted not doing before. Now I just have to weigh the situation and decide if I'd rather keep on hoping my crappy life will get better and that I one day will have that happy family with the father of my children, I yearn so much, or will I give a chance to this man from 10 years ago. It could be that we end up hating each other if we spent more than 3 weeks in a same place.
I think I have to meet him again. I kind of even feel like I owe him that, for disappearing all those years ago. I dont know. Life is surely unexpected. That is all I can say now.
Week ago my view of life was very bleak. I was completely consumed by the hopelessness of my life situation. My boyfriend had just couple of weeks earlier tried to take his own life by cutting his wrists. I can now see that I spent those first weeks in shock. I kept wondering how I was supposed to feel in this situation or actually why I werent feeling anything. It seemed like life kept on going by in full speed and I was just standing still, letting everything whizz by. Everything seemed kind of blurry and unimportant. Then I had my first meeting with my therapist.
She said that it was very traumatic watching your loved one trying to kill himself, in that kind of pain, wrestling the knife away from him or talking for hours to make him just come to sleep, so that I could sleep too, instead of worrying what he might do to himself. I guess it is weird for an outsider, but I really had not thought that I had been through something traumatic. I was so focused on getting him help, getting him care, that I just didn't even think how I had felt in the situation.
I remember being angry. It was the first and strongest reaction. I was angry at him for being so selfish, for not caring how his actions affect his children, his family and me. I was angry that he had once again thrown my help back at me, not caring at all that I keep on trying to help. I was really snappy at him and even refused to call for help, making him do it himself. Then I snapped out of it slightly and helped him get a towel to wrap around the wrist and made him held it up high while we waited for the ambulance. And after they took him to the hospital and I had to begin to explain the situation to my mother (his boss), his family, the social workers, the anger came back.
After my first therapist appointment I cried all the way back home. I just couldn't help it. I think I must have been holding the sadness and pain in so long that when one person actually noticed me and my pain, instead of focusing on him, it brought it all up. Since then I have began to cry about the silliest little things. I am very emotional all the time. I think it is all about releasing the emotions. They keep pouring out at most unfortunate moments.
I had my second appointment a week ago and I went there thinking I could keep my cool and not cry this time. I was wrong. I still cried all through the appointment. I think I cry a lot about the unfairness of it all. I find it so unfair for boyfriend that he isn't getting the kind of help he needs. It is also unfair for the kids and me. I can't really blame him for not knowing what to do. I don't know either and at least I am not in a deep depression as he is.
I have been so tired for so long. I was feeling like a complete failure. My life wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be happy, energetic and with a man who I adore above everything else. I was supposed to have time and patience for my children and we were supposed to do things together as a family. I have really hard time letting go of the idea of still once again having a happy family.
Then something unexpected happened. I found an old friend online. He is someone I met on a holiday 10 years ago and fell head over heels into a holiday romance with. We barely shared enough words on each others language to be able to communicate two words, but on the physical level we shared plenty of communication. I knew already then that he was special & I vowed that I would come back and keep in touch, which I as a silly twenty year old with problematic life never did. I guess I thought at first that he was just a holiday romance. I missed him terribly, but he was so far far away and it felt like an impossible distance. By that age I had already had one long-distance relationship with a man who lived in Great Britain and it didn't end very well. It was so hard to be away from him and when we were together we fought about everything, mainly about for it being so hard while we were apart. I didn't want to go there again. The language barrier was also something that kept me away. It felt like so much work to communicate through emails, to write them for hours with a dictionnary. It was just too much for me at that time in my life.
And yet I kept on regretting my choice. Every once in a while I thought about him, my heart did backflips and I wondered what he was doing, who he was with, had he found the love of his life or was he as lonely and confused as I was. Then I pushed his existence back into my head and told myself that the memories were beautiful but they were just memories.
Four days ago I found him on Facebook and immediately sent him a friend request. I didn't even stop to think about it like I usually do. That day had been particularly difficult with boyfriend. He had taken too many of his pills with alcohol and was completely out of his head drunk and incoherent. Needless to say I was feeling like crap and wished him to the deepest corners of hell. Finding an old friend was just what I needed to cheer myself up. I tried to get some sleep, but my adrenaline was running high from all the action that day and I found it hard to calm down. Then he accepted my friendship request and immediately began chatting to me.
I was so overwhelmed by emotion and panic that I began to cry. I wrote him that I couldn't believe that it was really him. He has moved to Europe from Latin America. He called it a miracle that we meet again and it truly feels like such an unlikely thing to happen that I would consider it a miracle as well. I told him that I have missed him and he told me he has missed me as well. There were a lot of things I tried to say that he didn't understand. He still really doesn't speak english much. Then I remembered I still have a note he wrote to me before I returned back home from my holiday and I took a photo of it for him. He took a photo of my address and sent it to me and we were both amazed how after 10 years we both still have eachother's notes, the original ones. I have carried my note in my purse for years and now it is in a pocket of my Filofax.
He then called me and we awkwardly tried to talk, failed to understand each other most of the time but were still unable to close the phone. Since then we have talked every day, mainly chatting in Facebook but also couple of times using skype. It is difficult because our schedules are very different. He works late at night and thus also sleeps late in the mornings. I wake up early and go to bed early. I've actually stayed awake two nights just talking with him.
I never thought I would have so much to talk with someone who i do not share language with. I use an online translator, my dictionnary and those few spanish courses I had in high school and together they seem to be working well. Part of my eagerness to communicate with him more is the chance to practise spanish. It's been so long since I got to practise my language skills and every conversation is a learning experience. Also I never really got to know him 10 years ago. It was more just young infatuation and lots of lust. Now I actually enjoy learning about his culture and what it has been like to move to such a different country.
I feel like this is the ray of sunshine I have been wishing for in my life. Everything has been pitch black for so long. Everything has gone wrong, been awful, painful and crap. I have been trying to tell myself that life cant be this awful forever and life has kept on proving me wrong. The little good times have been followed by bad times so gigantically bad that the good times feel like nothing. Having this one person to talk with and knowing that he has thought about me for 10 years, that the connection was not only in my head, that fills my heart with joy.
Since I found him, I've cleaned most of the house, washed loads of laundry, began running & now I am writing diary again. Its like I am injected with energy everytime I chat with him. I feel like I am worth something. I really feel like he supports me and although it is early days of our reconnaissance I kind of feel like I did back in 2003.
Life is surely unexpected. He is kind of single, kind of married, I am in a disastrous relationship with a suicidal man, who says he will kill himself if I ever leave him. I have two children, he has none, but wants them. We still live in different countries although on the same continent now. We still don't really share a language and communication is a lot of work. I don't know what might happen in the future, but he is surely giving me something to think about.
Like I said earlier, my life wasn't supposed to be like this. I have a chance to do something I regretted not doing before. Now I just have to weigh the situation and decide if I'd rather keep on hoping my crappy life will get better and that I one day will have that happy family with the father of my children, I yearn so much, or will I give a chance to this man from 10 years ago. It could be that we end up hating each other if we spent more than 3 weeks in a same place.
I think I have to meet him again. I kind of even feel like I owe him that, for disappearing all those years ago. I dont know. Life is surely unexpected. That is all I can say now.