My normal.
Time seems to disappear somewhere these days. I'm couple of weeks away from my final exams and graduating and school seems to suck up all my time. School and family life.
My boyfriend is back to drinking. He stayed sober for almost three weeks after I kicked him out for a couple of days. I allowed him back because he seemed so sincere (what was I thinking?). Yeah... Like it would last. He always says the right things and I want to believe them so bad and we are back in the same situation.
He has stayed sober during the week, because he has to take the kids to daycare and pick me up from the railway station when I get back from school. But when thursday comes along and he knows I'll be home on friday, then the drinking begins.
Yesterday his sister called me and asked if everything was okay. I was reading a story for the kids in their bedroom and told her I didn't know what was going on. She said that boyfriend had called her and told he was seeing a man in our living room, a man who was not there really.
I enlightened her that this has been going on for a while now. I don't know if it's an attention seeking thing or if it's his meds interacting with the alcohol or if it's really him "going crazy" and seeing things.
It got me thinking however that perhaps I should react to it. When you are living with an addict, these strange things become so normal that you no longer pay attention to them in the way the outsiders do. You don't realize that they are signs of things getting worse. You just try not to pay too much attention to all the crap and go on with your normal life as normally as possible.
I try to keep up the facade of normalcy for the children and keep their attention away from their dad who can barely stand up straight and is unable to take one step without stumbling. That is just wrong.
I've been hoping that I could get through this 9 months of school and deal with this toxic relationship afterwards. It's less than a month left now and I'm just trying to close my eyes from the reality for the last few weeks and it's so not working.
I'm getting a bit scared of how much the boyfriend is really able to control himself if he is seeing people. How do I know that he won't decide one evening that me and the kids are the bad guys and go after us? He hasn't been violent or even angry at these hallucinations, but if you see things that are not there, how stable can you be?
Almost one year ago I swore that I would never spend another Christmas-time like that one, with an alcoholic making everything difficult and sucking the joy out of the happy celebration. A year before that I was cooking Christmas dinner in our kitchen, a sheen of sweat on my forehead, my boyfriend and father sitting at the kitchen table sipping wine. I totally blew up then, screaming that they could do something, like set the table. We had agreed to cook together, to try to cook as much on our own as possible for the very first time, and he helped with one dish and I was left doing everything else on my own while he got increasingly tipsy and drunk.
This is the thrid Christmas after that and the signs are not promising. We have agreed to go to visit my parents this year. If he'll be out of his mind drunk, my mother will probably kick him out. Or I will. It's not that the Christmas is so meaningful to me, but rather that he has once again had one year to work on his addiction and having made improvement earlier has come back full circle into drinking and mixing his medication with alcohol. He has arrhytmia and doctors suspect diabetes too. He should be seeing the warning signs and straighten his act, but so far I've seen no indication he'll be doing so.
So another ultimatum will happen and I will kick him out once again and this time if he wants back, he must prove to me that he is getting better. He must get his own apartment and live there until he has been sober for a while and is behaving responsibly. I'm tired of living this abnormal life. I don't want to spend my weekends watching someone stumble and fall through our house, breaking things (toilet seat, plates, dishwasher, computer keyboard), having insanely large bruises all over his body for falling so hard against the furniture, asking me where he has hidden his meds while drunk, creating messes for me to clean up in the morning, because I can't have kids walking through spilled beer and french fried ketchup mess until he wakes up in the afternoon.
These things are normal to me. They happen every thursday, friday and saturday. Sometimes even sundays too. And I'm so used to them that I need someone else pointing out how messed up all that is. How pathetic that is? I feel like a super crap mother for putting my kids through this. I must end this. They don't deserve to see any of that. Granted it happens usually after they've fallen asleep, but they see the mess and they do wake up at night and sometimes see their dad passed out on the kitchen floor. That is not okay and I'm the only adult who seem to be able to do something to this. So I must. I have to figure out a plan. Now. Today.
My boyfriend is back to drinking. He stayed sober for almost three weeks after I kicked him out for a couple of days. I allowed him back because he seemed so sincere (what was I thinking?). Yeah... Like it would last. He always says the right things and I want to believe them so bad and we are back in the same situation.
He has stayed sober during the week, because he has to take the kids to daycare and pick me up from the railway station when I get back from school. But when thursday comes along and he knows I'll be home on friday, then the drinking begins.
Yesterday his sister called me and asked if everything was okay. I was reading a story for the kids in their bedroom and told her I didn't know what was going on. She said that boyfriend had called her and told he was seeing a man in our living room, a man who was not there really.
I enlightened her that this has been going on for a while now. I don't know if it's an attention seeking thing or if it's his meds interacting with the alcohol or if it's really him "going crazy" and seeing things.
It got me thinking however that perhaps I should react to it. When you are living with an addict, these strange things become so normal that you no longer pay attention to them in the way the outsiders do. You don't realize that they are signs of things getting worse. You just try not to pay too much attention to all the crap and go on with your normal life as normally as possible.
I try to keep up the facade of normalcy for the children and keep their attention away from their dad who can barely stand up straight and is unable to take one step without stumbling. That is just wrong.
I've been hoping that I could get through this 9 months of school and deal with this toxic relationship afterwards. It's less than a month left now and I'm just trying to close my eyes from the reality for the last few weeks and it's so not working.
I'm getting a bit scared of how much the boyfriend is really able to control himself if he is seeing people. How do I know that he won't decide one evening that me and the kids are the bad guys and go after us? He hasn't been violent or even angry at these hallucinations, but if you see things that are not there, how stable can you be?
Almost one year ago I swore that I would never spend another Christmas-time like that one, with an alcoholic making everything difficult and sucking the joy out of the happy celebration. A year before that I was cooking Christmas dinner in our kitchen, a sheen of sweat on my forehead, my boyfriend and father sitting at the kitchen table sipping wine. I totally blew up then, screaming that they could do something, like set the table. We had agreed to cook together, to try to cook as much on our own as possible for the very first time, and he helped with one dish and I was left doing everything else on my own while he got increasingly tipsy and drunk.
This is the thrid Christmas after that and the signs are not promising. We have agreed to go to visit my parents this year. If he'll be out of his mind drunk, my mother will probably kick him out. Or I will. It's not that the Christmas is so meaningful to me, but rather that he has once again had one year to work on his addiction and having made improvement earlier has come back full circle into drinking and mixing his medication with alcohol. He has arrhytmia and doctors suspect diabetes too. He should be seeing the warning signs and straighten his act, but so far I've seen no indication he'll be doing so.
So another ultimatum will happen and I will kick him out once again and this time if he wants back, he must prove to me that he is getting better. He must get his own apartment and live there until he has been sober for a while and is behaving responsibly. I'm tired of living this abnormal life. I don't want to spend my weekends watching someone stumble and fall through our house, breaking things (toilet seat, plates, dishwasher, computer keyboard), having insanely large bruises all over his body for falling so hard against the furniture, asking me where he has hidden his meds while drunk, creating messes for me to clean up in the morning, because I can't have kids walking through spilled beer and french fried ketchup mess until he wakes up in the afternoon.
These things are normal to me. They happen every thursday, friday and saturday. Sometimes even sundays too. And I'm so used to them that I need someone else pointing out how messed up all that is. How pathetic that is? I feel like a super crap mother for putting my kids through this. I must end this. They don't deserve to see any of that. Granted it happens usually after they've fallen asleep, but they see the mess and they do wake up at night and sometimes see their dad passed out on the kitchen floor. That is not okay and I'm the only adult who seem to be able to do something to this. So I must. I have to figure out a plan. Now. Today.