sad & happy.
I am feeling strange. My life seems kind of hollow and unreal.
The relationship with alcoholic boyfriend is over. I ended it and he finally accepted that there is no more chances. Part of me is panicking over this. How will I survive? Am I making the right decision? Do I owe him one more try? He is the father of my children after all. Am I too involved, too tired and stressed to make a decision this big? Most of all I worry immensely what will happen now. I have no idea how we are going to survive financially, me and the kids. My stress levels make me snappy and short-tempered with the kids already now, what will happen when I am alone.
I am beginning to realize exactly how much I have relied on my boyfriend for many things. I have been able to take time for myself and go to school, while he has been working. I kind of feel like I am throwing him aside now that I no longer need him. It is not true of course. In a way I still need him. I will always need him to be a dad for our children regarless if we share an address or not. And I am not all of a sudden saying this relationship is over. I have been begging him to get help to save our relationship for months, years even. For the last year I have been asking him to move out and that we'll discuss the future of our relationship once he is better. I don't know why I made the decision to end this now.
Part of it was his absolutely appalling behaviour one week ago. I was mortified.I think maybe that moment when I had to lock him out of the house and he was pounding on the door while the children were with me inside scared, was the moment I realized how bad things were. Part of the decision, mainly something that gave me resolve to stick with it, was finding my holiday romance man, E. It was not so much the instant connection we both felt, but rather the memories that flooded right back of how good I used to feel with him. I realize a holiday is quite a different thing than sharing every day life with someone. Yet, these beautiful memories from 10 years ago woke other memories and I remembered once again that it is possible to be in a relationship and live with someone without having to carry all these worries on my shoulders from day to day. It is possible to have someone there, who wants to be my everything, who wants to support me, stay by my side. I have no doubt that somewhere deep inside of ex-boyfriend, he wants those things too, but he is completely unable to give me anything. I know that sounds selfish, but it isn't really. I believe there is no real relationship, if only one person always does the giving part. Relationship means that it is mutual, that both people want to make it work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Ex-boyfriend couldn't even love himself or give himself what he needs. There is no way he can be in a relationship before he gets better.
I hate myself for abandoning him, when he is still so sad, so fragile and in such a dark place. But I have given him my all and it is just not enough. I am sad for so many things we once shared and now will never share again. I am sad for all the dreams I had for us, for our future as a family, which now will never be. I am acting strong for my children, but really I am sad.
Holiday romance man and I are speedily realizing how much we still care for each other. It almost feels like all those feelings from 10 years ago were simply hibernating somewhere and have now woken up all anew. I talk to him every day and when I can see his face, his incredibly long eye lashes, his smile that is just for me, I forget for a moment how messed up my life is. I am afraid to dive head first into a new relationship. I don't want him to be the band-aid guy. I want him to be the forever guy.
In a way I have been dealing with my feelings of abandonment and disappointment regarding ex-boyfriend for months. I have walked the line between trying to understand and help and understanding what is too much. I have been building up my self esteem, been focusing on my own needs & those of our children. I have been letting go for a long time. I think maybe that is why this is not as big of a deal for me as it is for my ex-boyfriend. He is absolutely devastated. That makes me feel guilty too. I am not saying this is a piece of cake for me. Breakups never are. I just have more to look forward to, I guess. In a way this is an end of a horribly difficult era for me. It is end to those nights of watching ex-boyfriend stumble around drunk, finding him passed out on the living room floor with plate of food spilled all over the floor. It is an end of listening him go on and on about me being a whore and a lesbian because I do not wish to have sex with him ever. Like I would want to have sex with someone who is off his head drunk & calling me names. It is end for all those disappointments of him promising to do something and then getting drunk instead. So that part, all those bad things left behind is not difficult. They are a relief.
I am still afraid that the reality of 8-year relationship ending will hit me sooner or later and I will have to deal with it then. I am not sure how much E will understand. He has a very strict view on alcoholism and thinks this situation was beyond saving anyway. He doesn't really understand why I feel sad about the breakup. That my sad feelings don't mean that I regret breaking up, but rather are just part of letting go of something I once thought would be forever. There was a time when me and ex-boyfriend were good together. if it wasn't for the alcohol, we would probably be married and have one more child. Love doesn't end just like that. Not even when a new love is brewing.
There is a possibility that me and E will never really work out. At the moment it is long-distance and he is and will be married for one more year at least until he gets his nationality papers. No matter how much I care for him, I cant be 100% in before he is divorced for real. I don't care if he is in agreement with his wife that their marriage is just a sham for the last two years. He is still married and not mine. He says he doesnt want to move to a different country for another time, which I understand. It is a problem though, because I don't want to take my children away from their dad. I have no objection to moving to a different country myself, but I still think it unfair to move with the children, provided that their dad even agreed to the move. So maybe even after he is divorced there is no future together for us.
The good thing is that there is time. We don't have to make hasty choices. We will meet again for real in one month's time. Then we will have 2 weeks together in the summer. He loves children and has no objection to me having two. I love how independent, caring and open he is. We both have our insecurities, but we seem to be drawn together like magnets. My feelings grow every day and yesterday I found myself experiencing a stab of jealousy towards his wife, when he stopped a Facetime call to chat with her instead of me. It is not going to be easy for us to make it work. I am committed to doing whatever it takes, but I am not sure if he is. It seems like it is meant to be, but only time will tell if it actually is.
I want him so much to be the one for me. Our story is so beautiful and it seems like fate has dictated we met 10 years ago and that we would meet again 10 years later when both of us are just coming out from failed relationships. My heart says he is the one.
The relationship with alcoholic boyfriend is over. I ended it and he finally accepted that there is no more chances. Part of me is panicking over this. How will I survive? Am I making the right decision? Do I owe him one more try? He is the father of my children after all. Am I too involved, too tired and stressed to make a decision this big? Most of all I worry immensely what will happen now. I have no idea how we are going to survive financially, me and the kids. My stress levels make me snappy and short-tempered with the kids already now, what will happen when I am alone.
I am beginning to realize exactly how much I have relied on my boyfriend for many things. I have been able to take time for myself and go to school, while he has been working. I kind of feel like I am throwing him aside now that I no longer need him. It is not true of course. In a way I still need him. I will always need him to be a dad for our children regarless if we share an address or not. And I am not all of a sudden saying this relationship is over. I have been begging him to get help to save our relationship for months, years even. For the last year I have been asking him to move out and that we'll discuss the future of our relationship once he is better. I don't know why I made the decision to end this now.
Part of it was his absolutely appalling behaviour one week ago. I was mortified.I think maybe that moment when I had to lock him out of the house and he was pounding on the door while the children were with me inside scared, was the moment I realized how bad things were. Part of the decision, mainly something that gave me resolve to stick with it, was finding my holiday romance man, E. It was not so much the instant connection we both felt, but rather the memories that flooded right back of how good I used to feel with him. I realize a holiday is quite a different thing than sharing every day life with someone. Yet, these beautiful memories from 10 years ago woke other memories and I remembered once again that it is possible to be in a relationship and live with someone without having to carry all these worries on my shoulders from day to day. It is possible to have someone there, who wants to be my everything, who wants to support me, stay by my side. I have no doubt that somewhere deep inside of ex-boyfriend, he wants those things too, but he is completely unable to give me anything. I know that sounds selfish, but it isn't really. I believe there is no real relationship, if only one person always does the giving part. Relationship means that it is mutual, that both people want to make it work and are willing to do whatever it takes. Ex-boyfriend couldn't even love himself or give himself what he needs. There is no way he can be in a relationship before he gets better.
I hate myself for abandoning him, when he is still so sad, so fragile and in such a dark place. But I have given him my all and it is just not enough. I am sad for so many things we once shared and now will never share again. I am sad for all the dreams I had for us, for our future as a family, which now will never be. I am acting strong for my children, but really I am sad.
Holiday romance man and I are speedily realizing how much we still care for each other. It almost feels like all those feelings from 10 years ago were simply hibernating somewhere and have now woken up all anew. I talk to him every day and when I can see his face, his incredibly long eye lashes, his smile that is just for me, I forget for a moment how messed up my life is. I am afraid to dive head first into a new relationship. I don't want him to be the band-aid guy. I want him to be the forever guy.
In a way I have been dealing with my feelings of abandonment and disappointment regarding ex-boyfriend for months. I have walked the line between trying to understand and help and understanding what is too much. I have been building up my self esteem, been focusing on my own needs & those of our children. I have been letting go for a long time. I think maybe that is why this is not as big of a deal for me as it is for my ex-boyfriend. He is absolutely devastated. That makes me feel guilty too. I am not saying this is a piece of cake for me. Breakups never are. I just have more to look forward to, I guess. In a way this is an end of a horribly difficult era for me. It is end to those nights of watching ex-boyfriend stumble around drunk, finding him passed out on the living room floor with plate of food spilled all over the floor. It is an end of listening him go on and on about me being a whore and a lesbian because I do not wish to have sex with him ever. Like I would want to have sex with someone who is off his head drunk & calling me names. It is end for all those disappointments of him promising to do something and then getting drunk instead. So that part, all those bad things left behind is not difficult. They are a relief.
I am still afraid that the reality of 8-year relationship ending will hit me sooner or later and I will have to deal with it then. I am not sure how much E will understand. He has a very strict view on alcoholism and thinks this situation was beyond saving anyway. He doesn't really understand why I feel sad about the breakup. That my sad feelings don't mean that I regret breaking up, but rather are just part of letting go of something I once thought would be forever. There was a time when me and ex-boyfriend were good together. if it wasn't for the alcohol, we would probably be married and have one more child. Love doesn't end just like that. Not even when a new love is brewing.
There is a possibility that me and E will never really work out. At the moment it is long-distance and he is and will be married for one more year at least until he gets his nationality papers. No matter how much I care for him, I cant be 100% in before he is divorced for real. I don't care if he is in agreement with his wife that their marriage is just a sham for the last two years. He is still married and not mine. He says he doesnt want to move to a different country for another time, which I understand. It is a problem though, because I don't want to take my children away from their dad. I have no objection to moving to a different country myself, but I still think it unfair to move with the children, provided that their dad even agreed to the move. So maybe even after he is divorced there is no future together for us.
The good thing is that there is time. We don't have to make hasty choices. We will meet again for real in one month's time. Then we will have 2 weeks together in the summer. He loves children and has no objection to me having two. I love how independent, caring and open he is. We both have our insecurities, but we seem to be drawn together like magnets. My feelings grow every day and yesterday I found myself experiencing a stab of jealousy towards his wife, when he stopped a Facetime call to chat with her instead of me. It is not going to be easy for us to make it work. I am committed to doing whatever it takes, but I am not sure if he is. It seems like it is meant to be, but only time will tell if it actually is.
I want him so much to be the one for me. Our story is so beautiful and it seems like fate has dictated we met 10 years ago and that we would meet again 10 years later when both of us are just coming out from failed relationships. My heart says he is the one.