Heart Shift II
"Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I lived in DC.."
"Me too"
"Really?"
"Yeah"
"I missed you"
"I was thinking 'why am i at this lame party when I could be watching fireworks with you'"
"there's no one else i'd rather be with right now"
"watermelons"
"that makes me all asghfd..jealous...is that bad? "
"i dont think i want to hear about these guys"
"i thought you were saving yourself for me?"
"i like to hang out with people who are different than me or who mellow me out"
"I had a really good time with you"
"I came here for you, you know?"
"I wanted to do something special for your birthday - especially because you hate it."
"Did you miss me? "
"How many guys have you really gotten to know? 3? ..."
"We used to tell each other about our lives."
"That's how I was as a freshman"
"Do I make you laugh more than other guys? I"m competitive."
"When am I not nice to you?"
"I emotionally blue balled you?" "This made up for NYC"
"But really - I had a great time with you."
"And now for the tough question - when are we going to see eachother again?"
On the one hand, kissing him gives me little tingles in a way that no one has in a really long time. The kind of quick fleeting shivers down your back, butterflies in your stomach. I feel like we could laugh and laugh and giggle like little kids. The sort of teasing and comfort that only comes after knowing someone for a long time - no matter how well you may know everything about them. And I could kiss him and not want to stop. Because he's right, he's good at it.
On the other, I know he's still a boy. There's so much left for him to grow up and become. When I look into his eyes, I see someone 5 years longer - the gaze of someone still 17. The way we communicate, get passionate and live are radically different. And after being with someone new whose so radically open and communicative and open to talking about me and for me and complimentive, well it's hard to change back.
But my feelings never ever fail to return. I can play it ambivalent or coy or disintersted and by the end of the trip, there I am, head in the clouds, day dreaming away.
It's harder to be a part from him. Like we have 2 roles we play: together and apart. And we mostly don't even pretend that they can overlap. Because they don't?
I keep going back and forth on "how it is supposed to feel." He's not the guy I can "do anything with." He's not ready to come to shabbat dinners or hand-hold through museums or talk about families or far flung futures or politics or religion. He's a book with pages that turn slowly, each word carefully examined before going to the next chapter. But he's also constant laughs and an undeniable connection. A hidden stream connecting us and never letting go.
He's a process. A destination. An "eventually."
But can I handle the process? Can I teach him how to please me? Keep me interested? Grow with me?
Why is it that I can't express myself as well to him? Why am I so embarrassed to? Why do I feel like he doesn't completely get me, see my strengths as I want him to? Why can't I delve in with him? I wonder: am I my best self with him? Do I strive for more? Or do I strive to be cooler?
I fear we will never move out and on and grow.
When I first got together with Sean, a notion in the back of my head told me that perhaps Sean was in my life to teach me. To teach me how to be a stronger, more effective communicator. To teach me how to open up and let my guard down. To teach me how to be my most primal self. And that all this learning would come back with me to Dan. And in some ways, it does. The lessons do stick.
But now I realize I am two different people with them. And being with them is as different as can be. So what's right and wrong? Playing house and sympathetic? Making fun and laying around? With Dan, I don't DO much. We can't tackle the city. We can barely hold hands.
But being curled up with him on the sidewalk, in my car, in my bed felt so right. It felt like it was what I have been waiting for. My inner 16 year old leapt for joy at the fact that I finally won my man. And I really really didn't want to hurt him.
It's a different feeling than the comfort and ease I feel in sharing a bed with Sean. Where it's almost as if we've been doing it our whole life and it just sorta happens.
What does that say about me? That I keep juggling men that are just a tad out of reach? That bring me so much joy but constantly wanting for more? Maybe I want to live in the Honeymoon forever. Maybe I 'm really messed up.
But man, I'm so happy he surprised me. I"m so happy it's back.
"Me too"
"Really?"
"Yeah"
"I missed you"
"I was thinking 'why am i at this lame party when I could be watching fireworks with you'"
"there's no one else i'd rather be with right now"
"watermelons"
"that makes me all asghfd..jealous...is that bad? "
"i dont think i want to hear about these guys"
"i thought you were saving yourself for me?"
"i like to hang out with people who are different than me or who mellow me out"
"I had a really good time with you"
"I came here for you, you know?"
"I wanted to do something special for your birthday - especially because you hate it."
"Did you miss me? "
"How many guys have you really gotten to know? 3? ..."
"We used to tell each other about our lives."
"That's how I was as a freshman"
"Do I make you laugh more than other guys? I"m competitive."
"When am I not nice to you?"
"I emotionally blue balled you?" "This made up for NYC"
"But really - I had a great time with you."
"And now for the tough question - when are we going to see eachother again?"
On the one hand, kissing him gives me little tingles in a way that no one has in a really long time. The kind of quick fleeting shivers down your back, butterflies in your stomach. I feel like we could laugh and laugh and giggle like little kids. The sort of teasing and comfort that only comes after knowing someone for a long time - no matter how well you may know everything about them. And I could kiss him and not want to stop. Because he's right, he's good at it.
On the other, I know he's still a boy. There's so much left for him to grow up and become. When I look into his eyes, I see someone 5 years longer - the gaze of someone still 17. The way we communicate, get passionate and live are radically different. And after being with someone new whose so radically open and communicative and open to talking about me and for me and complimentive, well it's hard to change back.
But my feelings never ever fail to return. I can play it ambivalent or coy or disintersted and by the end of the trip, there I am, head in the clouds, day dreaming away.
It's harder to be a part from him. Like we have 2 roles we play: together and apart. And we mostly don't even pretend that they can overlap. Because they don't?
I keep going back and forth on "how it is supposed to feel." He's not the guy I can "do anything with." He's not ready to come to shabbat dinners or hand-hold through museums or talk about families or far flung futures or politics or religion. He's a book with pages that turn slowly, each word carefully examined before going to the next chapter. But he's also constant laughs and an undeniable connection. A hidden stream connecting us and never letting go.
He's a process. A destination. An "eventually."
But can I handle the process? Can I teach him how to please me? Keep me interested? Grow with me?
Why is it that I can't express myself as well to him? Why am I so embarrassed to? Why do I feel like he doesn't completely get me, see my strengths as I want him to? Why can't I delve in with him? I wonder: am I my best self with him? Do I strive for more? Or do I strive to be cooler?
I fear we will never move out and on and grow.
When I first got together with Sean, a notion in the back of my head told me that perhaps Sean was in my life to teach me. To teach me how to be a stronger, more effective communicator. To teach me how to open up and let my guard down. To teach me how to be my most primal self. And that all this learning would come back with me to Dan. And in some ways, it does. The lessons do stick.
But now I realize I am two different people with them. And being with them is as different as can be. So what's right and wrong? Playing house and sympathetic? Making fun and laying around? With Dan, I don't DO much. We can't tackle the city. We can barely hold hands.
But being curled up with him on the sidewalk, in my car, in my bed felt so right. It felt like it was what I have been waiting for. My inner 16 year old leapt for joy at the fact that I finally won my man. And I really really didn't want to hurt him.
It's a different feeling than the comfort and ease I feel in sharing a bed with Sean. Where it's almost as if we've been doing it our whole life and it just sorta happens.
What does that say about me? That I keep juggling men that are just a tad out of reach? That bring me so much joy but constantly wanting for more? Maybe I want to live in the Honeymoon forever. Maybe I 'm really messed up.
But man, I'm so happy he surprised me. I"m so happy it's back.