Contrast round II
I'd consider Sean my first grown up real serious thing. Being with him was me for the first time getting loved the way I wanted and giving love without abandon. It was me making efforts for someone else because I wanted them to be happier.
The stream of constant communication, the trying of new things, the openness and excited-ness left me in a frequent daydream. The roller coaster of the daydream was so enlightening. I realize now, looking back on my requests, that it was what i'd always dreamed of. Someone gave me so much hope and I unleashed without abandon. It was so easy to give to someone who let me know what they wanted, who told me what they were thinking, who was real beyond words.
But it was almost a tease because the things that leapt my heart a fluttering were taken away. I felt like I finally GOT it. I made the realization. I got what I'd been waiting for. And then he changed. Became distant. Dropped off. Became consumed by new amusements. And these days, the level of bonding is far flung so that I'm not even quite sure where I stand anymore. And because he put me in a position with so much entitlement and feelings of comfort, when it changed, i wanted to confront the issue. I wanted to demand more.
I still haven't though.
And now I wonder is being with Dan like giving him what I had in college? have I moved on to the next sort of step? With someone who gets the real world biz? Where asking and challenging takes precedence over cute and cuddly.
My head hurts just thinking about it.
The stream of constant communication, the trying of new things, the openness and excited-ness left me in a frequent daydream. The roller coaster of the daydream was so enlightening. I realize now, looking back on my requests, that it was what i'd always dreamed of. Someone gave me so much hope and I unleashed without abandon. It was so easy to give to someone who let me know what they wanted, who told me what they were thinking, who was real beyond words.
But it was almost a tease because the things that leapt my heart a fluttering were taken away. I felt like I finally GOT it. I made the realization. I got what I'd been waiting for. And then he changed. Became distant. Dropped off. Became consumed by new amusements. And these days, the level of bonding is far flung so that I'm not even quite sure where I stand anymore. And because he put me in a position with so much entitlement and feelings of comfort, when it changed, i wanted to confront the issue. I wanted to demand more.
I still haven't though.
And now I wonder is being with Dan like giving him what I had in college? have I moved on to the next sort of step? With someone who gets the real world biz? Where asking and challenging takes precedence over cute and cuddly.
My head hurts just thinking about it.