I will not bend, but I've already broke.
As I sit here, thinking about my bad day and nursing this six pack like it was the only thing i had in the world, I just have to breathe before I stop. One step, one breath, one moment at a time. But it isn't helping. It isn't easing this pain inside. This growing sensation of dread that brings me to my knees. Man, when will I get a break? When can I just, be. One day is just another tragedy. Like the best poem you ever wrote, lost. The best story you ever dreamt up, faded. The best memory of your entire life, forgotten. That's how I feel, everyday. Just seems to get worse, never better. I try to hide it and force myself ontop, but sooner or later reality always hits. Choking on my words as I clench my fist and just shake with anger, but I can't scream my response. I can't force the words out of my mouth.
Work. Karen, a worker who is very poor at her job, just got promoted to assistant manager. Kyle, got shifted to the mall as head shift leader. Christi promoted to evening shift leader. Me? Who everybody calls the hardest worker, the best employee, what happened to me? My hours got cut, again. Fucking cut. As Sherri, a shit worker - got a raise. My hours get cut due to the season. I went from 35-40+ hours a week, to 19 in the past month from cuts. How am I supposed to live now? But I guess he doesn't care. Work, slave away my days off and any time to have fun for him. Try not to get fucked up and not lose control on days that I have to work the next morning, just so I can work my best. God how I would love just to sit down and smoke a few buwls every night, down a few beers every other night. But I can't. Tonight, I drink an entire six pack. If I'm hell tomorrow - fuck it. Fuck it all. I'm done trying for him. I've proved myself over and over again. Today I had to tell him I was looking else where. Because I can't live right now. I can not buy groceries. I can not pay my bills ontime. If this keeps up in a few months I'll be drowned in debt. So fuck. I have to get a new job. Right when I become the best at my current one, I have to start all over. Man, all I want to die is sit and cry for a while but I can't. So I'll just do the next best thing with this lighter and knife, I'll cry red.
How long is it going to be before somebody thinks of me. I just want someone to see me, to actually see me. To look at me and see me for what I am. I want a girl to look at me and have a hard time pulling her eyes away. People confess their love a million miles away, all I want is just one person. One person to tell me they love me right to my face. Not because I'm family, not because I've known them for ten years. No. I want it just to come in a whirl wind, even if it leaves just as fast. I can live with loss, I can't live without. How much longer until some guy walks up and just wants a fight. Used to happen on a daily basis, now I pray for it to happen every morning. Just somebody, anybody, just hit me. Bring me into it without warning. Somebody strike me and set me off, let me get it out. God, just let me feel again. I want to feel pain, love, hope... Anything. Sometimes I think I do but I just don't quite get a grasp. I wonder, all the time, what it feels like to, feel. How does everyone else feel? Am I feeling simply without knowing or have I lost too much that the feelings just faded away? Do I care? Do I even really care anymore? If somebody came face to face with me and swore their love, could I give mine? Do I have any left to give? I'm not even sure if I remember my name...
Feels so good just to know that somewhere someone knows how I feel. Even if they can't help. At least someone knows.
-John
Woke up early dismorning around 4 am. With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate. Pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep. But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone elses arms, I've been doing best to try and get along, but that's okay, there's nothing left to say, but.
Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't need 'em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me. Take your cat and leave my sweater, cause we've got nothing left to weather. But you'll think of me.
Went out driving trying to clear my head. I tried to sweep out all the wounds that my emotions left. I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this and all the baggage that seems to still exist. It seems the only blessing I have left to my name, is not knowing what we could've been, what we should've been... So.
Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't need 'em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me. take your cat, leave my sweater, cause we've got nothing left to weather. But you'll think of me. Some day, I'ma run across your mind. But don't worry, I'll be fine. I'ma be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight- I'll be over you and on with my life.
So... Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't 'em. Take your cat and leave my sweater, cause we got nothing left to weather. In fact, I'll feel a whole lot better. But you'll think of me. Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't em. (And it goes on)
Work. Karen, a worker who is very poor at her job, just got promoted to assistant manager. Kyle, got shifted to the mall as head shift leader. Christi promoted to evening shift leader. Me? Who everybody calls the hardest worker, the best employee, what happened to me? My hours got cut, again. Fucking cut. As Sherri, a shit worker - got a raise. My hours get cut due to the season. I went from 35-40+ hours a week, to 19 in the past month from cuts. How am I supposed to live now? But I guess he doesn't care. Work, slave away my days off and any time to have fun for him. Try not to get fucked up and not lose control on days that I have to work the next morning, just so I can work my best. God how I would love just to sit down and smoke a few buwls every night, down a few beers every other night. But I can't. Tonight, I drink an entire six pack. If I'm hell tomorrow - fuck it. Fuck it all. I'm done trying for him. I've proved myself over and over again. Today I had to tell him I was looking else where. Because I can't live right now. I can not buy groceries. I can not pay my bills ontime. If this keeps up in a few months I'll be drowned in debt. So fuck. I have to get a new job. Right when I become the best at my current one, I have to start all over. Man, all I want to die is sit and cry for a while but I can't. So I'll just do the next best thing with this lighter and knife, I'll cry red.
How long is it going to be before somebody thinks of me. I just want someone to see me, to actually see me. To look at me and see me for what I am. I want a girl to look at me and have a hard time pulling her eyes away. People confess their love a million miles away, all I want is just one person. One person to tell me they love me right to my face. Not because I'm family, not because I've known them for ten years. No. I want it just to come in a whirl wind, even if it leaves just as fast. I can live with loss, I can't live without. How much longer until some guy walks up and just wants a fight. Used to happen on a daily basis, now I pray for it to happen every morning. Just somebody, anybody, just hit me. Bring me into it without warning. Somebody strike me and set me off, let me get it out. God, just let me feel again. I want to feel pain, love, hope... Anything. Sometimes I think I do but I just don't quite get a grasp. I wonder, all the time, what it feels like to, feel. How does everyone else feel? Am I feeling simply without knowing or have I lost too much that the feelings just faded away? Do I care? Do I even really care anymore? If somebody came face to face with me and swore their love, could I give mine? Do I have any left to give? I'm not even sure if I remember my name...
Feels so good just to know that somewhere someone knows how I feel. Even if they can't help. At least someone knows.
-John
Woke up early dismorning around 4 am. With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate. Pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep. But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake. Ever since you found yourself in someone elses arms, I've been doing best to try and get along, but that's okay, there's nothing left to say, but.
Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't need 'em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me. Take your cat and leave my sweater, cause we've got nothing left to weather. But you'll think of me.
Went out driving trying to clear my head. I tried to sweep out all the wounds that my emotions left. I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this and all the baggage that seems to still exist. It seems the only blessing I have left to my name, is not knowing what we could've been, what we should've been... So.
Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't need 'em. Take your space and take your reasons, but you'll think of me. take your cat, leave my sweater, cause we've got nothing left to weather. But you'll think of me. Some day, I'ma run across your mind. But don't worry, I'll be fine. I'ma be alright. While you're sleeping with your pride, wishing I could hold you tight- I'll be over you and on with my life.
So... Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't 'em. Take your cat and leave my sweater, cause we got nothing left to weather. In fact, I'll feel a whole lot better. But you'll think of me. Take your records, take your freedom. Take your memories, I don't em. (And it goes on)