Fate
Tetsuya says in the second part of Tetsugaku chapter 7 that “even the meeting with someone is decided by fate, to a certain extent”. But he also believes that death is decided by fate, that’s why he talks about that, too. And death tied together two very important people that appear in the interview.
Takuya Kondo
The first one is quite well-known in L’Arc fandom.
I’m talking about Comet-san, real name Kondou Takuya 近藤琢哉, who was L’Arc-en-Ciel’s stage director, easily recognized thanks to his blond hair. He died on 7th November 2009, when he was 42 years old. As you may know, Tetsuya changed his name in his honour. In this interview he gives many details about him and their special friendship.
Manabu Tanaka
Nobody probably knows the latter, but many people remember that when he died on May 31st 2012, the day of Laruku’s Hawaiian live, every band members had teary eyes. His name is Tanaka Manabu 田中学, and was chief editor for R&R Newsmaker magazine, and the editor of Tetsugaku 2, too. He’s actually the one who is interviewing Tetsuya here.
Fate is strange, isn’t it?
It’s important to do things on the right time.
Sometimes you can fix everything easily,
sometimes you aren’t able to fix anything,
no matter how much effort you put.
Everything depends on fate.
-You are careful in everything you do.
Yes I am.
-You have previously said to be overcautious, so much that “even if I test the stone bridge I won’t cross it. If I test it too much, it will fall down”
I’m careful to that point.
-But from the outside, you seem the type that immediately starts to work after having made up his mind.
Yes, if it’s after I’ve made up my mind. It only remains to put in practice what I’ve decided, so I’m fast. But until I make up my mind I’m really careful. I examine every aspect of the question before taking a decision.
-I see.
It also depends on questions. Not particularly important things don’t bother me, but when it comes to really important things, I brood over a lot. Everybody does that, don’t you think so?
-So, what is an important thing to you?
Things that cannot be undone, for example. Apart from that, things that don’t have an impact on the audience don’t bother me.
-So when you have made up your mind, everything go on smoothly.
Well, sometimes things move on smoothly, sometimes not. If I have some talks, but can’t give a shape to my idea, I think “it’s not the right time”. I don’t want to force anything. Sometimes it happens that I am able to give it a shape when I’ve forgotten about it.
-It seems like a puzzle.
There are several biorhythms, so when they fit snugly together, everything moves on perfectly. If it doesn’t happen, pushing things forward is pointless; it’s more rational to wait for the right time. This doesn’t mean to work in a slapdash way.
-This way of thinking really symbolizes TETSUYA-ism.
I have been able to do this kind of job since I entered professional life, but this doesn’t mean that everything goes always smoothly; there’s fate, you know…
-It always depends if it’s the right time.
Take Nadeshiko Japan for example. They are really in the spotlight now, and the world has already recognized them, but if they hadn’t won the world championship, I doubt they would have obtained international recognition.
[Nadeshiko Japan is Japan women's national football team. They won the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup]
-You’re right.
The very fact that players from the previous generations strove to do their best under strict conditions because in the past they didn’t draw public attention at all, proves what I’m saying: no matter how much you do your best, if it’s not the right time, you won’t get either result or recognition. Am I wrong?
-No, it’s really as you said.
Supporting someone before recognition is very important, and maybe fundamental, I’d say. Japanese traditional activities, like to say kabuki or sumo, are protected in some way by our country, aren’t they? In the same way, in case of minor sports athletes, or musicians, I think it’s very important that they perceive everybody is helping and supporting them, like, to say, buying tickets or CDs.
I believe that even the meeting with someone
is decided by fate,
to a certain extent.
-TETSUYA, you know quite a lot about divinatory practices.
Despite being a man, I think I am well informed.
-When did you start to become interested into it?
I can’t tell it clearly. If you riffle through magazine pages, you can find a bunch of articles concerning divination practices, right? Like Feng shui: “Absolutely don’t put this in North-East direction”. Reading this kind of things, I got hooked. I started thinking: I don’t need to leave intentionally what isn’t considered “good”.
[North-East direction is considered unlucky direction]
-You became unconsciously hooked on these practices…
This doesn’t mean I got into it so much that I have a dragon ornament or a talisman hung in my house or other similar terrible things. If something is considered good, I don’t need to do the opposite on purpose, if I can accept it easily, I’m going to accept it. This is my way. People have different way of thinking, they may follow Feng shui or Kasou, but the common aspect among these practices is that it’s important to keep the house clean, nobody suggest that dirty is better. It may mean: keeping things tidy and in order will improve your fortune.
[Kasou: literally, the aspect of the house. It indicates the construction of a house according to Feng shui rules or similar. It has nothing to do with Laruku’s song “Kasou”]
-It’s really as you said.
For example, even if rooms with water (like kitchen or bathroom) are located in a bad direction, you may balance more or less the bad position keeping them clean. This means that if rooms with water are located in a good direction, then it will be even better. If tidying up those spaces frequently and keeping them clean will let you improve your fortune and be able to seize the opportunity, you’d better not to spare yourself this trouble, I think.
-If you can seize the opportunity only with that little effort, there is nothing like doing it.
I also try not to waste fortune in vain. I’ve already said it, I don’t gamble, I don’t want to waste my fortune.
-Do you believe in fortune-telling?
Yes, to a certain extent.
-People who have no interest in it don’t believe it at all, do they?
Yeah. Some people have no interest in it, others even do hate it. But this world is full of divinatory practices like fortune-telling. What to believe in? You can listen to and even read different things. That’s the starting point: what to believe in? who should I listen to?
-And also coincidences…
I believe that even the meeting with someone is decided by fate, to a certain extent. And also it depends if it’s the right time or not.
-Do you think that fate has the bigger part?
I think so. I feel as if I’m protected by something, but I can’t tell if it’s God, or Buddha, or my ancestors (laughs).
-Do you visit your relatives’ graves?
I visit them really often.
-I see
I’ve always visited them, but I’ve begun to take this habit especially after my grandmother’s death.
-Not many people are visiting relatives’ graves now, aren’t they?
Yeah. Well, I sometimes return to my parents only to visit my relatives’ graves and then come back home in a day. Every time I go I clean graves down, wiping, polishing and even moping them, so they are always neat. But it’s something I do also for myself. I mean, I feel really refreshed, that’s why I’ve begun to do it quite often. Talking about graves, I’ve also visited Comet’s one the day after 20th L’Anniversary tour in Osaka last year. Some incense were laid there, but it was about to burn out. This means someone was praying for Comet in front of his grave just a bunch of minutes before me.
[Comet-san, real name Kondou Takuya 近藤琢哉, was L’Arc-en-Ciel’s stage director. He died on 7th November 2009. More info here ]
-Who was the person that came before you?
I don’t know. Who could that be?
Comet did believe me.
He believed I wasn’t the type who lies
just to protect himself.
-Can you please tell me about Comet and your most impressive memories of him?
I had some trouble with one of my senpai artist, because of a groundless rumor; well, maybe I should call it a betrayal by the staff at that time or a false charge. That’s why I started not to trust people that much. In the end I became the one under suspicion. I really respected that artist, and I have been admiring him for a long time, so it was really impossible for me to betray him. I wasn’t believed, so they thought I had betrayed him. It was a trauma for me, and since then I’ve started not to trust people that easily and to put by my side only skilled people I could rely on.
-So you weren’t believed by that senpai artist.
Comet was in charge of that artist, too, so he was on the horns of a dilemma. It was probably around that time that we ate out for the first time. Since then I regarded him as a passionate guy. He did believe me. He believed I wasn’t the type who lies just to protect himself. After all, I think you have to repay the trust someone has in you trusting him. I’ve said it more than once, I won’t absolutely betray someone who has become very confidential with me.
-I remember what once Comet-san said to me: “After work, people usually say -You must be tired.
Thank you for your hard work -. Don’t say that, say instead: -I’m not tired -, because if you say that, you’ll be way too tired; so let’s say -I’m not tired.- ”. I took his words in this way.
I don’t like that expression too much either, because the verb may be taken also as “to be possessed” [The expression they are talking about is otsukaresama, commonly used in Japan at the end of the working day. It’s very difficult to translate it, I’m not able to find a matching word in English. The verb tsukareru, with different kanji, means “to be tired” or “to be possessed”]
-I thought that way of thinking was very TETSUYA’s style.
When I’ll meet Comet-san
in the afterworld,
I must be able to tell him:
“After your death it was hard,
but I did my best”.
-Comet-san left this world before us because of a sudden accident. Can you talk me about that time?
L’Arc-en-Ciel’s label president was the first who rang me. He told me with a gloomy voice: “Comet…riding his bike…” so I thought: “…had an accident? Did he got seriously hurt?” “What?”… “Eh?” Even if I was told he was dead I thought: “No! There’s really nothing to do? Please do something!”
-It was really unexpected. I was very surprised, too.
“Why Comet? Why? Why you?” honestly, I thought L’Arc-en-Ciel couldn’t go on. I thought it was the end.
-But you’ve got through it
I had already talked with Comet-san about what to do for the upcoming 20th Anniversary live. Some time before his death he had called me and told me: “We’ve no more time left. Make up your mind quickly”. In his last e-mail he was talking about the booking of a venue for my solo live. So if I hadn’t done it because of Comet’s death, he would have been the saddest one. I couldn’t do this to him. If the band had stopped there, he would have been surely the saddest. I thought I had to go on for his sake. I think so even now.
-You’ll never change this feeling?
I will die sooner or later. When I’ll meet Comet-san in the afterworld, I must be able to tell him: “After your death it was hard, but I did my best”. I want to meet him again with my head held high.
-In the ceremony held at SHIBUYA AX in memory of Comet-san, you made the funeral address on the dais as band representative.
The night before, my staff asked me: “Can you do it please? You’re the right person to do it”. But I didn’t have any experience and I dislike to give a speech, even at the after party.
-Yet it was a ceremony to remember a dead person.
I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, I mean I was bypassing other senpai artists. But I did it because I wanted to bid him farewell, and it was the last thing I could do for him.
-I’ve heard that at the L’Arc-en-Ciel live, during the last song, a feather fell softly over you.
That’s true.
-Besides, I think you did a good job with your speech.
I think it’s because Comet was supporting me. Also because speaking in front of so many people in such place made me self-confident. Before his death, Comet kept telling me: “You should expose yourself more”. He strove to make me strong, to make a man out of myself. I feel he did this for me. Even people looked differently at me. Since then I’ve started even to give a speech at after parties.
-In many senses, you seem more aware not only that you have become stronger, but also that you are shouldering something.
What is more, I borrowed a character from his name. I don’t want, I don’t allow nobody to tell me I did wrong or my previous name was better. I’d like everybody could think I did right and that my actual name is better.
-Listening to you, I felt once again how great he was.
It seems that, some days before his death, he was at his place watching on TV a program held in memory of a recently died kabuki actor. It seems he asked his wife to put my CDs in his coffin when he shall die. I was surprised when I saw his coffin full of MUKIMPO* seal.
*MUKIMPO-kun
TETSUYA’s more-than-10-years beloved original character. An old acquaintance at L’Arc-en-Ciel’s lives. When he was created, it was rare for an artist to have an original character, so he can be called the precursor of the recently appeared yuruchara.
-I’ve heard it
After his death the staff and many people told me, to my surprise, that Comet usually said to people around me: “Please take care of my tetsu-san”. It seems that he also had an official pic of mine on his mobile screen. Nobody from staff worried about me as much as he did, it’s difficult to find people like him. I’m really grateful to him.
I think we should talk every day
about dead people,
as much as we did
when they were still alive.
-I think that with Comet’s death, there have been several changes inside yourself. Can I ask you when did you face death for the first time?
The first time in my whole life I’ve attended a funeral was when a high school classmate of mine died in an accident. We used to walk back home together, and were almost friends. We usually looked at each other during lessons.
-It must have been a true shock.
It made me change my idea. Having seen a corpse for the first time, having faced death from a close distance, I realized how much easily a human being can die. He was in 3rd year in high school and had already decided what to do after, he was only waiting for graduation. He had probably lots of things he wanted to do, but he died before he could do any of these. That’s why I thought: I must do what I want even more!
-To talk about death, we can’t avoid talking about you grandmother. Can you please talk me again about her death?
After the first part of “SMILE TOUR 2004”, we had only our first American live in Baltimore and Rock Odyssey left. The schedule wasn’t so tight, so I accidentally decided to come back home.
-Did you come back because you knew your grandmother’s condition weren’t good?
Not really. She wasn’t hospitalized because she was ill, but she was in a health care centre attached to the hospital because of her weak legs. Her legs where weak because of rheumatism, but her mind was clear as always, so I used to have a chat with her when I came back home. But on that occasion, when I went to the hospital to see her, she was unconscious. Nobody from the hospital had informed my family. “Eh? What’s up?” It gets on my nerves now that I’m recalling it.
-How cruel of them!
Indeed, I think it was very cruel of them. I thought: “What is this?”. I told them: “Call me your director”. I was told he was busy that day and asked to come back the following day. So I went back to the hospital the following day, but my granny was still unconscious. “She’s not really unconscious. This morning she was perfectly awake. Don’t worry”. That’s what the director told me with an arrogant attitude, looking only at her medical records, without even going to see her. He had the worst way of talking and attitude. I couldn’t believe it was possible in that hospital!
-Quite suspicious.
That’s awful I thought. So I wanted to change hospital immediately. On the 3rd day we begun the transfer procedures, but she died. “Eh? Why? Yesterday’s morning I was told she was perfectly conscious and not to worry. So why she died? Why nobody informed my family that she was unconscious from the beginning?” I was furious, while I was trying to understand why it happened.
-I don’t know if I can say it or not, but can’t we say she was killed by the hospital?
I think we can. She breathed her last while holding my hand. At that time I thought she was waiting for me. It’s like I was called, so I came back. I left home at 19 years old, and now I’m doing this job, so I come back home only a few times a year. The fact I could meet her on her death was fate, to me.
-She was waiting for you.
After funeral, just before cremation, I asked to see her face for the last time. I saw a teardrop falling down her cheek. Watching closer, a teardrop fell down her cheek. It took me time to recover from it. If I recall it now, my eyes are still in tears. Sometimes I dream of her, and when I get up I’m always in tears. I get up in tears. The thing I remember the most is that in my dream, even if I’m aware she’s dead, I keep saying “Granny, don’t die, don’t’ die…”
-You really loved your grandmother!
I was told later about it, but it seems that there was a rainbow over crematorium on that day.
-It’s the same with the previous speech about Comet-san: fate, chance, ties. You made me think about those things.
I talk often about Comet even after his death, don’t I? I think we shouldn’t forget about dead people. We should talk every day about them, as much as we did when they were still alive. Sometimes I wonder: “Granny, are you ok?” It may be strange to ask “are you ok?” to someone who’s dead, but sometimes I think she’s maybe having a good time in the other world.
-That’s wonderful!
I feel as if Comet is still with me. I took a part of his name in order not to forget about him. If I talk about him everyday, everybody will no more forget about him too. If I don’t talk about him, I fear he will feel lonely. To be able to forget is the bitterest thing, I think.
-When you’ll die, how do you want people to bid farewell to you?
Like in the movie “Big Fish”. The thing I hate the most is people pretending to be sad. I don’t want people who act as if they were the hero or the heroine of the tragedy, who look depressed, who act as if they were hurt. I don’t want them at my funeral. They often come, don’t they? Like, to say, at the funeral of that well-known person, the people who head for the mic, to be interviewed and stand out. I don’t want such people to come at my funeral.
Takuya Kondo
The first one is quite well-known in L’Arc fandom.
I’m talking about Comet-san, real name Kondou Takuya 近藤琢哉, who was L’Arc-en-Ciel’s stage director, easily recognized thanks to his blond hair. He died on 7th November 2009, when he was 42 years old. As you may know, Tetsuya changed his name in his honour. In this interview he gives many details about him and their special friendship.
Manabu Tanaka
Nobody probably knows the latter, but many people remember that when he died on May 31st 2012, the day of Laruku’s Hawaiian live, every band members had teary eyes. His name is Tanaka Manabu 田中学, and was chief editor for R&R Newsmaker magazine, and the editor of Tetsugaku 2, too. He’s actually the one who is interviewing Tetsuya here.
Fate is strange, isn’t it?
It’s important to do things on the right time.
Sometimes you can fix everything easily,
sometimes you aren’t able to fix anything,
no matter how much effort you put.
Everything depends on fate.
-You are careful in everything you do.
Yes I am.
-You have previously said to be overcautious, so much that “even if I test the stone bridge I won’t cross it. If I test it too much, it will fall down”
I’m careful to that point.
-But from the outside, you seem the type that immediately starts to work after having made up his mind.
Yes, if it’s after I’ve made up my mind. It only remains to put in practice what I’ve decided, so I’m fast. But until I make up my mind I’m really careful. I examine every aspect of the question before taking a decision.
-I see.
It also depends on questions. Not particularly important things don’t bother me, but when it comes to really important things, I brood over a lot. Everybody does that, don’t you think so?
-So, what is an important thing to you?
Things that cannot be undone, for example. Apart from that, things that don’t have an impact on the audience don’t bother me.
-So when you have made up your mind, everything go on smoothly.
Well, sometimes things move on smoothly, sometimes not. If I have some talks, but can’t give a shape to my idea, I think “it’s not the right time”. I don’t want to force anything. Sometimes it happens that I am able to give it a shape when I’ve forgotten about it.
-It seems like a puzzle.
There are several biorhythms, so when they fit snugly together, everything moves on perfectly. If it doesn’t happen, pushing things forward is pointless; it’s more rational to wait for the right time. This doesn’t mean to work in a slapdash way.
-This way of thinking really symbolizes TETSUYA-ism.
I have been able to do this kind of job since I entered professional life, but this doesn’t mean that everything goes always smoothly; there’s fate, you know…
-It always depends if it’s the right time.
Take Nadeshiko Japan for example. They are really in the spotlight now, and the world has already recognized them, but if they hadn’t won the world championship, I doubt they would have obtained international recognition.
[Nadeshiko Japan is Japan women's national football team. They won the 2011 FIFA Women's World Cup]
-You’re right.
The very fact that players from the previous generations strove to do their best under strict conditions because in the past they didn’t draw public attention at all, proves what I’m saying: no matter how much you do your best, if it’s not the right time, you won’t get either result or recognition. Am I wrong?
-No, it’s really as you said.
Supporting someone before recognition is very important, and maybe fundamental, I’d say. Japanese traditional activities, like to say kabuki or sumo, are protected in some way by our country, aren’t they? In the same way, in case of minor sports athletes, or musicians, I think it’s very important that they perceive everybody is helping and supporting them, like, to say, buying tickets or CDs.
I believe that even the meeting with someone
is decided by fate,
to a certain extent.
-TETSUYA, you know quite a lot about divinatory practices.
Despite being a man, I think I am well informed.
-When did you start to become interested into it?
I can’t tell it clearly. If you riffle through magazine pages, you can find a bunch of articles concerning divination practices, right? Like Feng shui: “Absolutely don’t put this in North-East direction”. Reading this kind of things, I got hooked. I started thinking: I don’t need to leave intentionally what isn’t considered “good”.
[North-East direction is considered unlucky direction]
-You became unconsciously hooked on these practices…
This doesn’t mean I got into it so much that I have a dragon ornament or a talisman hung in my house or other similar terrible things. If something is considered good, I don’t need to do the opposite on purpose, if I can accept it easily, I’m going to accept it. This is my way. People have different way of thinking, they may follow Feng shui or Kasou, but the common aspect among these practices is that it’s important to keep the house clean, nobody suggest that dirty is better. It may mean: keeping things tidy and in order will improve your fortune.
[Kasou: literally, the aspect of the house. It indicates the construction of a house according to Feng shui rules or similar. It has nothing to do with Laruku’s song “Kasou”]
-It’s really as you said.
For example, even if rooms with water (like kitchen or bathroom) are located in a bad direction, you may balance more or less the bad position keeping them clean. This means that if rooms with water are located in a good direction, then it will be even better. If tidying up those spaces frequently and keeping them clean will let you improve your fortune and be able to seize the opportunity, you’d better not to spare yourself this trouble, I think.
-If you can seize the opportunity only with that little effort, there is nothing like doing it.
I also try not to waste fortune in vain. I’ve already said it, I don’t gamble, I don’t want to waste my fortune.
-Do you believe in fortune-telling?
Yes, to a certain extent.
-People who have no interest in it don’t believe it at all, do they?
Yeah. Some people have no interest in it, others even do hate it. But this world is full of divinatory practices like fortune-telling. What to believe in? You can listen to and even read different things. That’s the starting point: what to believe in? who should I listen to?
-And also coincidences…
I believe that even the meeting with someone is decided by fate, to a certain extent. And also it depends if it’s the right time or not.
-Do you think that fate has the bigger part?
I think so. I feel as if I’m protected by something, but I can’t tell if it’s God, or Buddha, or my ancestors (laughs).
-Do you visit your relatives’ graves?
I visit them really often.
-I see
I’ve always visited them, but I’ve begun to take this habit especially after my grandmother’s death.
-Not many people are visiting relatives’ graves now, aren’t they?
Yeah. Well, I sometimes return to my parents only to visit my relatives’ graves and then come back home in a day. Every time I go I clean graves down, wiping, polishing and even moping them, so they are always neat. But it’s something I do also for myself. I mean, I feel really refreshed, that’s why I’ve begun to do it quite often. Talking about graves, I’ve also visited Comet’s one the day after 20th L’Anniversary tour in Osaka last year. Some incense were laid there, but it was about to burn out. This means someone was praying for Comet in front of his grave just a bunch of minutes before me.
[Comet-san, real name Kondou Takuya 近藤琢哉, was L’Arc-en-Ciel’s stage director. He died on 7th November 2009. More info here ]
-Who was the person that came before you?
I don’t know. Who could that be?
Comet did believe me.
He believed I wasn’t the type who lies
just to protect himself.
-Can you please tell me about Comet and your most impressive memories of him?
I had some trouble with one of my senpai artist, because of a groundless rumor; well, maybe I should call it a betrayal by the staff at that time or a false charge. That’s why I started not to trust people that much. In the end I became the one under suspicion. I really respected that artist, and I have been admiring him for a long time, so it was really impossible for me to betray him. I wasn’t believed, so they thought I had betrayed him. It was a trauma for me, and since then I’ve started not to trust people that easily and to put by my side only skilled people I could rely on.
-So you weren’t believed by that senpai artist.
Comet was in charge of that artist, too, so he was on the horns of a dilemma. It was probably around that time that we ate out for the first time. Since then I regarded him as a passionate guy. He did believe me. He believed I wasn’t the type who lies just to protect himself. After all, I think you have to repay the trust someone has in you trusting him. I’ve said it more than once, I won’t absolutely betray someone who has become very confidential with me.
-I remember what once Comet-san said to me: “After work, people usually say -You must be tired.
Thank you for your hard work -. Don’t say that, say instead: -I’m not tired -, because if you say that, you’ll be way too tired; so let’s say -I’m not tired.- ”. I took his words in this way.
I don’t like that expression too much either, because the verb may be taken also as “to be possessed” [The expression they are talking about is otsukaresama, commonly used in Japan at the end of the working day. It’s very difficult to translate it, I’m not able to find a matching word in English. The verb tsukareru, with different kanji, means “to be tired” or “to be possessed”]
-I thought that way of thinking was very TETSUYA’s style.
When I’ll meet Comet-san
in the afterworld,
I must be able to tell him:
“After your death it was hard,
but I did my best”.
-Comet-san left this world before us because of a sudden accident. Can you talk me about that time?
L’Arc-en-Ciel’s label president was the first who rang me. He told me with a gloomy voice: “Comet…riding his bike…” so I thought: “…had an accident? Did he got seriously hurt?” “What?”… “Eh?” Even if I was told he was dead I thought: “No! There’s really nothing to do? Please do something!”
-It was really unexpected. I was very surprised, too.
“Why Comet? Why? Why you?” honestly, I thought L’Arc-en-Ciel couldn’t go on. I thought it was the end.
-But you’ve got through it
I had already talked with Comet-san about what to do for the upcoming 20th Anniversary live. Some time before his death he had called me and told me: “We’ve no more time left. Make up your mind quickly”. In his last e-mail he was talking about the booking of a venue for my solo live. So if I hadn’t done it because of Comet’s death, he would have been the saddest one. I couldn’t do this to him. If the band had stopped there, he would have been surely the saddest. I thought I had to go on for his sake. I think so even now.
-You’ll never change this feeling?
I will die sooner or later. When I’ll meet Comet-san in the afterworld, I must be able to tell him: “After your death it was hard, but I did my best”. I want to meet him again with my head held high.
-In the ceremony held at SHIBUYA AX in memory of Comet-san, you made the funeral address on the dais as band representative.
The night before, my staff asked me: “Can you do it please? You’re the right person to do it”. But I didn’t have any experience and I dislike to give a speech, even at the after party.
-Yet it was a ceremony to remember a dead person.
I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, I mean I was bypassing other senpai artists. But I did it because I wanted to bid him farewell, and it was the last thing I could do for him.
-I’ve heard that at the L’Arc-en-Ciel live, during the last song, a feather fell softly over you.
That’s true.
-Besides, I think you did a good job with your speech.
I think it’s because Comet was supporting me. Also because speaking in front of so many people in such place made me self-confident. Before his death, Comet kept telling me: “You should expose yourself more”. He strove to make me strong, to make a man out of myself. I feel he did this for me. Even people looked differently at me. Since then I’ve started even to give a speech at after parties.
-In many senses, you seem more aware not only that you have become stronger, but also that you are shouldering something.
What is more, I borrowed a character from his name. I don’t want, I don’t allow nobody to tell me I did wrong or my previous name was better. I’d like everybody could think I did right and that my actual name is better.
-Listening to you, I felt once again how great he was.
It seems that, some days before his death, he was at his place watching on TV a program held in memory of a recently died kabuki actor. It seems he asked his wife to put my CDs in his coffin when he shall die. I was surprised when I saw his coffin full of MUKIMPO* seal.
*MUKIMPO-kun
TETSUYA’s more-than-10-years beloved original character. An old acquaintance at L’Arc-en-Ciel’s lives. When he was created, it was rare for an artist to have an original character, so he can be called the precursor of the recently appeared yuruchara.
-I’ve heard it
After his death the staff and many people told me, to my surprise, that Comet usually said to people around me: “Please take care of my tetsu-san”. It seems that he also had an official pic of mine on his mobile screen. Nobody from staff worried about me as much as he did, it’s difficult to find people like him. I’m really grateful to him.
I think we should talk every day
about dead people,
as much as we did
when they were still alive.
-I think that with Comet’s death, there have been several changes inside yourself. Can I ask you when did you face death for the first time?
The first time in my whole life I’ve attended a funeral was when a high school classmate of mine died in an accident. We used to walk back home together, and were almost friends. We usually looked at each other during lessons.
-It must have been a true shock.
It made me change my idea. Having seen a corpse for the first time, having faced death from a close distance, I realized how much easily a human being can die. He was in 3rd year in high school and had already decided what to do after, he was only waiting for graduation. He had probably lots of things he wanted to do, but he died before he could do any of these. That’s why I thought: I must do what I want even more!
-To talk about death, we can’t avoid talking about you grandmother. Can you please talk me again about her death?
After the first part of “SMILE TOUR 2004”, we had only our first American live in Baltimore and Rock Odyssey left. The schedule wasn’t so tight, so I accidentally decided to come back home.
-Did you come back because you knew your grandmother’s condition weren’t good?
Not really. She wasn’t hospitalized because she was ill, but she was in a health care centre attached to the hospital because of her weak legs. Her legs where weak because of rheumatism, but her mind was clear as always, so I used to have a chat with her when I came back home. But on that occasion, when I went to the hospital to see her, she was unconscious. Nobody from the hospital had informed my family. “Eh? What’s up?” It gets on my nerves now that I’m recalling it.
-How cruel of them!
Indeed, I think it was very cruel of them. I thought: “What is this?”. I told them: “Call me your director”. I was told he was busy that day and asked to come back the following day. So I went back to the hospital the following day, but my granny was still unconscious. “She’s not really unconscious. This morning she was perfectly awake. Don’t worry”. That’s what the director told me with an arrogant attitude, looking only at her medical records, without even going to see her. He had the worst way of talking and attitude. I couldn’t believe it was possible in that hospital!
-Quite suspicious.
That’s awful I thought. So I wanted to change hospital immediately. On the 3rd day we begun the transfer procedures, but she died. “Eh? Why? Yesterday’s morning I was told she was perfectly conscious and not to worry. So why she died? Why nobody informed my family that she was unconscious from the beginning?” I was furious, while I was trying to understand why it happened.
-I don’t know if I can say it or not, but can’t we say she was killed by the hospital?
I think we can. She breathed her last while holding my hand. At that time I thought she was waiting for me. It’s like I was called, so I came back. I left home at 19 years old, and now I’m doing this job, so I come back home only a few times a year. The fact I could meet her on her death was fate, to me.
-She was waiting for you.
After funeral, just before cremation, I asked to see her face for the last time. I saw a teardrop falling down her cheek. Watching closer, a teardrop fell down her cheek. It took me time to recover from it. If I recall it now, my eyes are still in tears. Sometimes I dream of her, and when I get up I’m always in tears. I get up in tears. The thing I remember the most is that in my dream, even if I’m aware she’s dead, I keep saying “Granny, don’t die, don’t’ die…”
-You really loved your grandmother!
I was told later about it, but it seems that there was a rainbow over crematorium on that day.
-It’s the same with the previous speech about Comet-san: fate, chance, ties. You made me think about those things.
I talk often about Comet even after his death, don’t I? I think we shouldn’t forget about dead people. We should talk every day about them, as much as we did when they were still alive. Sometimes I wonder: “Granny, are you ok?” It may be strange to ask “are you ok?” to someone who’s dead, but sometimes I think she’s maybe having a good time in the other world.
-That’s wonderful!
I feel as if Comet is still with me. I took a part of his name in order not to forget about him. If I talk about him everyday, everybody will no more forget about him too. If I don’t talk about him, I fear he will feel lonely. To be able to forget is the bitterest thing, I think.
-When you’ll die, how do you want people to bid farewell to you?
Like in the movie “Big Fish”. The thing I hate the most is people pretending to be sad. I don’t want people who act as if they were the hero or the heroine of the tragedy, who look depressed, who act as if they were hurt. I don’t want them at my funeral. They often come, don’t they? Like, to say, at the funeral of that well-known person, the people who head for the mic, to be interviewed and stand out. I don’t want such people to come at my funeral.