im a happy person .. right?
i been thinking lately.. about shit that i know is stupid and minor to most ppl.. but to me the little things really get to me.. like REALLY get to me. really. neways so these "little things" have been on my mind alot and its just getting worse.. im a happy person right, i put a smile on my face and laugh here and there. im happy. arent I? ppl say if ur truely happy its bone deep.. well id say my happness is about muscle deep. im happy alright but not 100%. im a paraniod worrier who if gets one thought. one teeny tiny thought of insecruity turns it into a big broadway production in my mind. my thoughts are driving me crazy. some of then scared me some of them make me cry and some make me so happy that i dont know how to take them. my mind is a puzzel that i really need to put together. see when im with you im soo happy like u cant even imagine. but throught the night tiny things that wouldnt be noticed by u get to me. or ill see something and over analyze it so it makes me sad. i never say anything when u ask whats wrong because i dont want to sound like some stupid little girl, cause im not some stupid little girl. im just me, and me is a person who doesnt tell people whats really wrong. sure maybe ill tell ya the jist of it but not in full detail. somtimes i think i should write a book about whats wrong with me then pulish it so everyone knows and then they wont ask me. but id have alot of writing to do. see in my head the words come easly, when im thinking to myself i can imagine the whole conversation and say everything. in person its a different story, you see in person i would simply say.. nothings wrong, im a mess when i try to orally explain somthing. i can write it act it out whatever, u try to get me to phycially tell u whats wrong .. and id rather keep my mouth shut. i guess some ppl if they knew what was wrong. would think im over reacting. i only talked to one person today about it .. well most of it. she however didnt think i was over reacting in fact i think she thinks im underreacting . (is that a word. .well it is now) neways. i dont know what im gonna do i suposse ill just do what i always do and keep to myself and let myself keep things hidden inside at least i know there safe there. i dont think however its very safe for me to keep them there. but i do what i do. whenever i begin to get depressed i get this nervous feeling in my stomach. like the one i have now.. but ill just blame hunger.. or my stomach problem thats prolly going to kill me sooner or later since no one knows whats wrong with it and i never tell anyone when it acts up.. or when i pass out on the hallyway upstairs because my sight has went away and im so dizzy i cant even stand up so i just fall to the ground blind for about 10 mins shaking like a leaf.. ( or a dog shittin razor blades ) untill it goes away and i break into a cold sweat.. haha ya that was scary happend about 2 1/2 weeks ago.. dont tell my parents tho i dont need to worry them. neways im done rambling for now. cause ya know nothings really wrong its just all in my paraniod head.. so ill just put that smile on and go back to being happy.. cause im happy . yes happy is what i am :)