I am fucking exhausted.
I literally could sleep all day, and that's not an exaggeration. Last night we went to bed around 11 or something like that. We got up for about 20 minutes to eat a bowl of cereal at like 1. I'm not even sure if I got up to pee but, because I'm pregnant, chances are I did. Jon's alarm went off around whatever o'clock. I sat up and fell asleep sitting up. He got out of bed and I just kind of dozed on sitting up until his alarm went off from the living room. So maybe that meant it was sometime between 830 and 9. I went and sat on the couch next to him and wrote a really long text to this lady down the street. By the time I was done it was like 1045 and time to meditate and try to astral project or shift. Jon and I laid down and did not get up for another two hours. I fell asleep in my trance and just stayed there I guess. I got up feeling even more exhausted. Jon went downstairs and started the Jeep... whaaat thee fuuck. I guess I had to scramble to get ready because at the same time the city called me and mentioned they had my recycle bin to pick up. UHG. I was really looking forward to going home, but then the guardianship office calls. They started getting Jon's dad's social security checks. We didn't know that and drained his dad's bank account. After paying two bills the third wouldn't go through because all the money was gone. So they were calling to tell me that they would write a check to cover the amount that was taken out of the account. Catch was we had to run home from the store really quick, grab all of dad's bills and scramble to Port Huron before the court house closed. So we rushed out to the court house and got the check. Then we went to the bank, then Dollar Tree.
(side note)
Dollar Tree is now $1.25 per item now.
I hate this world.
Sometime throughtout the day I got a message from another lady down the street that had some baby stuff for me. So after Dollar Tree we rushed to that lady's house and grabbed all the baby stuff. Which, it is all extremely nice, by the way.We got home and of course I had to make dinner. We decided not to do it right away. It was quite obvious that we both needed to reground ourselves and meditate again. I turned on a 30 minute track of binural beats and it was over entirely too soon. YouTube always fucks me over by not looping the video and playing an ad in my ear instead. It always scares the shit out of me because I am in deep state. Blah. I didn't want to get out of bed and make dinner. Not in the least bit. So I literally just boiled 8 cups of water and threw in the powder packet for soup. Those things are really good, by the way. Jon buttered some bread and we ate. We watched church for like 5 minutes while we were eating, then Jon got up and took a shower. He said he wanted to go to bed but then picked up his journal and started writing. I am on the verge of passing out, so I decided to hop on here and look at some blue screen and type. haha I know, Im hilarious. But I am literally pausing and finding myself with my eyes closed and head down like wtf. What was I saying?
I am going to go off on a side rant here. Jon's dad Ben and his family. They have done nothing but treat us like shit since we took over all of this. Ben had a stoke, and needed someone to take care of his shit. Jon and I gave up our lives to take care of a man who could do everything for his damn self besides speak. At the begining he was told that he would get his speech back if he went to therapy. Well he decided to give up. Jon and I were taking care of everything for him. We have done everything besides wipe the man's ass this entire time. And get this, we paid him hundreds of dollars every month to do it. That was cash, not including all the other bullshit we paid for. After over a year of his family breathing down our necks. His sister decided she was going to barge in and try to fucking take what ever she possibly could from us. We had enough. After it was all finally fucking gone we had enough. Well, I had enough of this bullshit from the begining. The only reason I was on board was because of Jon. I knew that one day we would be out of here. I honestly thought we would have been gone by now, but it is whatever. It is going to happen. Ben has a new guardian thank GOD. That is the only thing that has saved our sanity thus far and we both wish we would have done this a long time ago. Since the end of October the family had to back off. We just make sure Ben is alive. Yesterday was the day they finally started taking his social security check from him. He is such control and anger issues. He would do anything he could to manipulate Jon. And honestly thats why were still here. Because Jon feels like he owes him or he feels like he cant abandon him. Well this is all his dads fault. He was supposed to let Jon handle all the money and all the bills, and make all the decisions. His dad didn't do that. He had to have everything the same and put Jons name on it. Well everything slowly came crashing down. He let his family destroy us, and for no reason at all. We warned him that if shit didnt change, we were going to give the guardianship to someone else. Well, come October we find out that Jons sister is trying to revoke the guardianship from us, thinking that was going to make us mad, then she could kick us out, move in and "take care of everything". The bitch doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, nothing. She is like a kid. So we went and filed to hand over the guardianship and went in front of the judge. We told him all the bullshit his dad was pulling, all the bullshit his family was pulling and the toll it took on us. The judge decided that family was not fit for this job and handed it over to his buddies at the public guardians office. PERFECT!! They came to the house and saw everything we had been doing. And the amount of money we put into this, and gave his dad. She said okay. No more money. Do not give him another penny. Pay his bills until we get the check transferred. Well that's been awesome because we dont have an income. But his dad is still a piece of shit. We pay for all the food while he sits on $500 in food stamps. He is greedy. And he thinks we owe him. We do entirely way too much for this man for him to not appreciate us and disrespect us. But... He has this huge lesson to learn. The tables are going to turn. He is going to be the one left with nothing, and that's on him, not us. First, the guardian took his money. Her next goal is to sell his house right out from under him and put him in a home somewhere. And that is all on him. Jon feels like once that all happens he will blame us. Fuck. He already blames us for all of this in the first place. And so does the rest of the family. Our problem was that we just went on doing this for him and them for far too long. Now we have nothing left to give. thats usually when the lessons are learned in life. When everything is ripped away from you..
Well I am grateful for all of this in some ways. Jon is an entirely a new person. He has boundries, self worth, drive and wants something out of life. When I met him, he was convinced he was a loser and would never have anything in life because he didn't deserve it. That is the shit his parents put into his head. What a sick bunch of people. I cannot believe he came from this family. He says the same thing about me and mine though too. We are both the black sheep. The most caring, loving, trusting, loyal, the list could seriously go on and on. We are nothing like the members in my family. At all. We get to escape the vicious cycle of abuse, addiction and toxicity unlike the rest of them. But unlike the rest of them, we can actually see all their bullshit, and all of what is wrong with them. Those fucks have no idea who they are and they go around thinking they are better than anyone else.
Well damn, that got me all fired up. Oh yeah! It was because we went and got that check from the guardian and deposited it into the bank. While I was typing this Jon was downstairs then came up and told me his dad was giving him a hard time. As if we did something with the money, or he wanted a reciept or who the fuck knows. He can't tell us what he is pissed about, you can just tell he is pissed. But I think it's more like greedy and ungrateful. We drove over 50 miles to go do that for him. He didn't offer us any gas money. No thank yous. He never appreciated any of this. Out of everything we have done for him. I am very very good at reading people's energy. He has not once shown me any kind of gratefulness or thankfulness, or anything of that nature when it comes to the things we do. It's just all fucking expected. I don't owe anyone a damn thing. I've given all i've got. Fuck you, make your own phone calls, make your own dinner, go get your own cigarettes. I dont even smoke. What in the actual fuck. This is the stuff I changed my entire life for. Not for them, but for Jon. Even my kids.
Without these lessons in life, and this growth I would not be sober today. I wouldn't be able to be a mother to my kids when they are able to come back to me. I would just be down and out or dead. Now when I do get to see my boys they wiil have a strong Mom who worked really hard to get where she is at. I hope that they will be proud of who I am, and what I did. Even after all the bullshit I did to hurt us all. I am glad I am not that broken perosn anymore. The person running away and trying to heal from abuse, while being abused by the same people. Just for them to tell you that you're crazy, they are treating me with love, and damn did I have it good. Sooo fucked up. I really am so glad I am not a part of the family anymore. They were my family, they did a lot of shit for me, but the price was higher than the prize. If that's how you say that lol. Who knows. I am basically falling asleep right now.
I guess that's it for me. I'll probably come back and rant about the same shit in a few more days.
(side note)
Dollar Tree is now $1.25 per item now.
I hate this world.
Sometime throughtout the day I got a message from another lady down the street that had some baby stuff for me. So after Dollar Tree we rushed to that lady's house and grabbed all the baby stuff. Which, it is all extremely nice, by the way.We got home and of course I had to make dinner. We decided not to do it right away. It was quite obvious that we both needed to reground ourselves and meditate again. I turned on a 30 minute track of binural beats and it was over entirely too soon. YouTube always fucks me over by not looping the video and playing an ad in my ear instead. It always scares the shit out of me because I am in deep state. Blah. I didn't want to get out of bed and make dinner. Not in the least bit. So I literally just boiled 8 cups of water and threw in the powder packet for soup. Those things are really good, by the way. Jon buttered some bread and we ate. We watched church for like 5 minutes while we were eating, then Jon got up and took a shower. He said he wanted to go to bed but then picked up his journal and started writing. I am on the verge of passing out, so I decided to hop on here and look at some blue screen and type. haha I know, Im hilarious. But I am literally pausing and finding myself with my eyes closed and head down like wtf. What was I saying?
I am going to go off on a side rant here. Jon's dad Ben and his family. They have done nothing but treat us like shit since we took over all of this. Ben had a stoke, and needed someone to take care of his shit. Jon and I gave up our lives to take care of a man who could do everything for his damn self besides speak. At the begining he was told that he would get his speech back if he went to therapy. Well he decided to give up. Jon and I were taking care of everything for him. We have done everything besides wipe the man's ass this entire time. And get this, we paid him hundreds of dollars every month to do it. That was cash, not including all the other bullshit we paid for. After over a year of his family breathing down our necks. His sister decided she was going to barge in and try to fucking take what ever she possibly could from us. We had enough. After it was all finally fucking gone we had enough. Well, I had enough of this bullshit from the begining. The only reason I was on board was because of Jon. I knew that one day we would be out of here. I honestly thought we would have been gone by now, but it is whatever. It is going to happen. Ben has a new guardian thank GOD. That is the only thing that has saved our sanity thus far and we both wish we would have done this a long time ago. Since the end of October the family had to back off. We just make sure Ben is alive. Yesterday was the day they finally started taking his social security check from him. He is such control and anger issues. He would do anything he could to manipulate Jon. And honestly thats why were still here. Because Jon feels like he owes him or he feels like he cant abandon him. Well this is all his dads fault. He was supposed to let Jon handle all the money and all the bills, and make all the decisions. His dad didn't do that. He had to have everything the same and put Jons name on it. Well everything slowly came crashing down. He let his family destroy us, and for no reason at all. We warned him that if shit didnt change, we were going to give the guardianship to someone else. Well, come October we find out that Jons sister is trying to revoke the guardianship from us, thinking that was going to make us mad, then she could kick us out, move in and "take care of everything". The bitch doesn't know how to cook, clean, pay bills, nothing. She is like a kid. So we went and filed to hand over the guardianship and went in front of the judge. We told him all the bullshit his dad was pulling, all the bullshit his family was pulling and the toll it took on us. The judge decided that family was not fit for this job and handed it over to his buddies at the public guardians office. PERFECT!! They came to the house and saw everything we had been doing. And the amount of money we put into this, and gave his dad. She said okay. No more money. Do not give him another penny. Pay his bills until we get the check transferred. Well that's been awesome because we dont have an income. But his dad is still a piece of shit. We pay for all the food while he sits on $500 in food stamps. He is greedy. And he thinks we owe him. We do entirely way too much for this man for him to not appreciate us and disrespect us. But... He has this huge lesson to learn. The tables are going to turn. He is going to be the one left with nothing, and that's on him, not us. First, the guardian took his money. Her next goal is to sell his house right out from under him and put him in a home somewhere. And that is all on him. Jon feels like once that all happens he will blame us. Fuck. He already blames us for all of this in the first place. And so does the rest of the family. Our problem was that we just went on doing this for him and them for far too long. Now we have nothing left to give. thats usually when the lessons are learned in life. When everything is ripped away from you..
Well I am grateful for all of this in some ways. Jon is an entirely a new person. He has boundries, self worth, drive and wants something out of life. When I met him, he was convinced he was a loser and would never have anything in life because he didn't deserve it. That is the shit his parents put into his head. What a sick bunch of people. I cannot believe he came from this family. He says the same thing about me and mine though too. We are both the black sheep. The most caring, loving, trusting, loyal, the list could seriously go on and on. We are nothing like the members in my family. At all. We get to escape the vicious cycle of abuse, addiction and toxicity unlike the rest of them. But unlike the rest of them, we can actually see all their bullshit, and all of what is wrong with them. Those fucks have no idea who they are and they go around thinking they are better than anyone else.
Well damn, that got me all fired up. Oh yeah! It was because we went and got that check from the guardian and deposited it into the bank. While I was typing this Jon was downstairs then came up and told me his dad was giving him a hard time. As if we did something with the money, or he wanted a reciept or who the fuck knows. He can't tell us what he is pissed about, you can just tell he is pissed. But I think it's more like greedy and ungrateful. We drove over 50 miles to go do that for him. He didn't offer us any gas money. No thank yous. He never appreciated any of this. Out of everything we have done for him. I am very very good at reading people's energy. He has not once shown me any kind of gratefulness or thankfulness, or anything of that nature when it comes to the things we do. It's just all fucking expected. I don't owe anyone a damn thing. I've given all i've got. Fuck you, make your own phone calls, make your own dinner, go get your own cigarettes. I dont even smoke. What in the actual fuck. This is the stuff I changed my entire life for. Not for them, but for Jon. Even my kids.
Without these lessons in life, and this growth I would not be sober today. I wouldn't be able to be a mother to my kids when they are able to come back to me. I would just be down and out or dead. Now when I do get to see my boys they wiil have a strong Mom who worked really hard to get where she is at. I hope that they will be proud of who I am, and what I did. Even after all the bullshit I did to hurt us all. I am glad I am not that broken perosn anymore. The person running away and trying to heal from abuse, while being abused by the same people. Just for them to tell you that you're crazy, they are treating me with love, and damn did I have it good. Sooo fucked up. I really am so glad I am not a part of the family anymore. They were my family, they did a lot of shit for me, but the price was higher than the prize. If that's how you say that lol. Who knows. I am basically falling asleep right now.
I guess that's it for me. I'll probably come back and rant about the same shit in a few more days.