Empty
I feel like all the *Yay* ness of my world has been sucked out of me for right now. When ever i start to think I am doing better something triggers and poof the damn tears start again. I went out to lunch and I ended up just going for a little walk because it was sunny and usually nothing can be wrong on sunny days. I need to change my thinking ways. It was good as far as walks go but the music irritated me and the silence was too thought provoking. I actually felt like I was choking on emotion . I want my summer back. I want to go back to June and Have my party with all my friends. I wanna handle a few other things differently. I would't do it over, but I would have realized that although dating was fun, we should have ended it the night before he went away. Aug was good but I couldn't wait for it to be over so he could be back home--and now I have no him and no summer. I feel cheated and it sucks.
Thank goodness for small miracles. I didn't have to work this am I have to work tonight. i don't know If I would have been able to hold it together for the day with Rach right next to me. Im babysitting them until 10 tonight-I need to get to 8 then I can put them to bed and if need be loose it. I am fully awake I have to hold it together while working I don't have a choice.
I have a very (scary to me procedure) tomorrow and Deb is away tonight so I have to drive myself. I was supposed to sleep at work tonight and go from there, but I can't I can't be alone. Im sleeping at Shanes tonight. I need to not be alone and he is amazing, I need the love and support of my best friend right now if nothing more just for this procedure--The break up gets put on the back burner tomorrow.
I should go rest--Im drained. This could have been so much harder. We didn't spend much time on the phone so I won't miss that. Lately I hadn't seen him much so I can't say physically Id miss him. I got used to missing him emotionally when he was away--although he was back I didn't stop feeling a sense of loss. I know I sensed things were different when he got back--I just didn't admit it. I picked up my phone a few times today to txt him--but since he hadsn't made much of an effort this week when we were a couple--I thought better. Put it down and cried. it will pass.
Thank goodness for small miracles. I didn't have to work this am I have to work tonight. i don't know If I would have been able to hold it together for the day with Rach right next to me. Im babysitting them until 10 tonight-I need to get to 8 then I can put them to bed and if need be loose it. I am fully awake I have to hold it together while working I don't have a choice.
I have a very (scary to me procedure) tomorrow and Deb is away tonight so I have to drive myself. I was supposed to sleep at work tonight and go from there, but I can't I can't be alone. Im sleeping at Shanes tonight. I need to not be alone and he is amazing, I need the love and support of my best friend right now if nothing more just for this procedure--The break up gets put on the back burner tomorrow.
I should go rest--Im drained. This could have been so much harder. We didn't spend much time on the phone so I won't miss that. Lately I hadn't seen him much so I can't say physically Id miss him. I got used to missing him emotionally when he was away--although he was back I didn't stop feeling a sense of loss. I know I sensed things were different when he got back--I just didn't admit it. I picked up my phone a few times today to txt him--but since he hadsn't made much of an effort this week when we were a couple--I thought better. Put it down and cried. it will pass.