(no subject)
I spent my night crying not a normal cry of the past but the wailing sobbing I can barely breathe cry. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on a million times and knifed repeatedly. I feel worse than that time he started a convo in the car before work that was upsetting me and we ended up on the phone talking it out. At least on the phone you can hear and understand how a person truely feels. I feel like I'm a child in the middle of everything. Both parents yelling at me the one I love upset at them and me as well. It hurts. I wonder how things would be if I never had that talk with my brother at least that tension wouldn't be there. Everyone has flaws. My parents my brother even me. I'm not perfect nor is my family. But some how that is all ppl want in this world shiney happy grades of perfection.I'm haunted with thoughts of my friends online breakups through email I'm haunted with thoughts of the book smart love and how I fit the criteria of someone not to date. I fail to measure up in so many ways in my life right now I'm grief striken. I hurt knowing what a family member said hurt someone else. I hurt because of what someone else said about a family member. She's still my mom. I don't call other ppls parents names. I dunno I feel like I've weighed I've been measured and found lacking. I find myself praying to god to understand and not having answers. Wondering where christian principles of forgiveness and humility and humbleness truely lie when wrath comingles in. I feel worse right now than when I was beat in my life I feel worse right now than a person in morning. I never realised when I find myself loving another I could hurt so bad inside. I feel so raw. I just want answers and I have to wait weeks for them. I'm to be shelved like some unwanted toy for a while. Now I know how my dolls in my room feel. I wish I didn't hurt so bad now. I wish I was stronger not weak like this. All I am is a burden to those around me. A noose upon the neck. A bain upon society. I feel like screaming why? I feel like screaming sorry. I feel like just screaming. I fought so hard lately to prove I could do things that I could grow. And in doing so all it does is open your eyes more and leave you open for more hurt because now not only do I realise I am suffering but I'm stuck for now in it. Whats more I'm getting the silent treatment the thing my father did when I was a child to make me suffer more. When did ppl stop acting like adults and stopped talking things out? By now I probably sound nutty but I need to purge my mind because if I don't I'll truely be mad. I just wish I could stop crying I can't stand the crying I can;t stand the pain inside.