(no subject)
Argued all day with my parents. Took on more verbal abuse than I cared to. Russ called 7 times today checking on me. I think I scared him today with how I acted this morning. He offered if I have my own vehicle to let me live there temporarily till I move away from mom and dad. It's a nice offer but if I break away from this shithole I'm doing a clean break. But it's weird seeing him so concerned. I have scars from so much even the hand offering help. I know he has to repair from our parents but I have to repair from my parents and him. It wasn't just dad who hit me. Yes I fought Russ back but many a time I wore his bruises as well. Years ago I had a decided hatred for men it wasn't just exes but family too that earned my mistrust. Even now parts of me are struggling to give trust again.
I drove the van tonight for the first time by myself while dad picked up the car. It still needs to go back to the garage.
I think I need to sell some stuff off I think this is how I'll raise the money needed. Been going through old things today. It was like open a treasure chest with landmines I don't know why I keep dwelling on past things. But lately I am I found the doll from nana brobst I cried. Then I found the ticket stub to the circus. The importance to that is it was the only event dad ever took me to not the movies or a game the circus. Things I forgot I remembered tonight bad things like getting yelled at for wanting a souvenir a balloon parrot. I ose to love parrots till that day. I came home and crawled into the bottom of the old bathroom cupboard and hid I stabbed that parrot with a pen and threw it to the back of the cupboard. I never hated a toy so. That same day I jumped off the carosel of real horses way too soon and cut my knee it still bares the scar. I remember the elephant pooping mid act. I always use to recall the circus as a good memory till tonight. I wonder why I'm remembering. And why I forgot. I'm truely cripled by memories right now. I use to think the abstract drawing i made in my room with the shower of tears that the person praying for forgiveness was dad and the person lower was me pleading for fogiveness. Some how mayhap its me standing and praying while my dad pleads. Why I ponder this I know not.
One song repeat one heart with one beat
Alone in its shell beaten in defeat
Once warm now cold
Once fighting no longer bold.
Battling constant searching
forever unfolding hurting
when the last one falls
she runs screaming in the halls
hoping to be heard
her words returning only slurred
The glass she stares at it
the glass she glares at it
wishing it to break
feeling like she will break
into pieces fragmented
fragmented on the floor
the chapter yet unwritten unfolds
the winds blow hollow chilling colds
the ship set sail crashing plumeting into the salty seas
the sailor lost his cargo grows restless and flees
the hunger grows and the student is left behind
the world outside here is so unkind
faith for the faithless is lost
what was bought carelessly tossed
then the wolf howls at the moon
and howls in the pale light
and howls
I drove the van tonight for the first time by myself while dad picked up the car. It still needs to go back to the garage.
I think I need to sell some stuff off I think this is how I'll raise the money needed. Been going through old things today. It was like open a treasure chest with landmines I don't know why I keep dwelling on past things. But lately I am I found the doll from nana brobst I cried. Then I found the ticket stub to the circus. The importance to that is it was the only event dad ever took me to not the movies or a game the circus. Things I forgot I remembered tonight bad things like getting yelled at for wanting a souvenir a balloon parrot. I ose to love parrots till that day. I came home and crawled into the bottom of the old bathroom cupboard and hid I stabbed that parrot with a pen and threw it to the back of the cupboard. I never hated a toy so. That same day I jumped off the carosel of real horses way too soon and cut my knee it still bares the scar. I remember the elephant pooping mid act. I always use to recall the circus as a good memory till tonight. I wonder why I'm remembering. And why I forgot. I'm truely cripled by memories right now. I use to think the abstract drawing i made in my room with the shower of tears that the person praying for forgiveness was dad and the person lower was me pleading for fogiveness. Some how mayhap its me standing and praying while my dad pleads. Why I ponder this I know not.
One song repeat one heart with one beat
Alone in its shell beaten in defeat
Once warm now cold
Once fighting no longer bold.
Battling constant searching
forever unfolding hurting
when the last one falls
she runs screaming in the halls
hoping to be heard
her words returning only slurred
The glass she stares at it
the glass she glares at it
wishing it to break
feeling like she will break
into pieces fragmented
fragmented on the floor
the chapter yet unwritten unfolds
the winds blow hollow chilling colds
the ship set sail crashing plumeting into the salty seas
the sailor lost his cargo grows restless and flees
the hunger grows and the student is left behind
the world outside here is so unkind
faith for the faithless is lost
what was bought carelessly tossed
then the wolf howls at the moon
and howls in the pale light
and howls