Dream Journal #7: Phantom.
[June 7 06 on the PC] I am starting to think my mind has been taken over by my nightmares. I'm always thinking about what I dreamed that morning and a lot of my time goes into interpreting and decoding my dreams. When I'm not doing that, then I daydream. But at least daydreaming doesn’t frighten the soul out of me. Right now it's past 4 pm and my head is still haunted by what I dreamed this morning. I’m a ghost, a zombie who is forever recording in its notebook of the account it experienced while unconscious. It's doomed to forever waver between the dream and real life. Then eventually it may get trapped in the dream and never return. Anyway... *flips my notebook page*
[June 5, 06]
Let's just skip the paragraph about my fifth pregnancy this year. It wears me out to even think about the meaning of these nightmares. Actually, I've come to a conclusion that these are meaningless dreams that probably comes from my subconscious fear of pregnancy and marriage. *rips the page out of the notebook and crumples it* (O_o+)
In the dream I'm around 10 yrs old. I'm squatting down in a place which resembled an elementary school gym. Next to me appeared a middle-aged gentleman wearing red tie. He squats down perhaps to talk to me. I find myself filled with strange, desperate desire and panic, thinking it's my father. I don't even remember what my biological father looked like. I never wanted a father and could never even imagine wanting one. But I burst into tears and shout at the man "Father, I don't know anything about you." That explosion of emotion shocked me as I shouted. It's ridiculous. The strange thing is that man couldn't have been my father. Though I don't remember my father it just didn't feel it was him.
[June 7 06]
This night terror devastated my mind so bad that it probably killed several billion brain cells. I am with my friend having peaceful and enjoyable time chatting in the room. He then goes outside for shopping that I asked. He doesn't return. At past 3 am, I'm sitting in a dark room wondering what might've happened. Then I see a shadow of a human figure at the window. Relieved and delighted, I rush toward the window and nearly scream when I see it's a masked man pointing a gun at my friend. Without saying a word, the masked man dragged my friend into the dark. I don't know how many hours have past, but I sat there as the sun rose outside. Being in panic seemed to have a numbed my body and mind, I don't do anything but sit there praying for his safety. But I somehow knew he won't be safe and for some reason I felt responsible - it felt the shopping task I asked was unnecessary, something he did not have to do. My phone rings and the monotonous voice (of his family?) tells me he was found dead.
In this dream three of my friends have supposedly been murdered but I don't remember it until the moment of this terrible announcement. I was too mentally messed up and in denial to attend or even think about his funeral. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I have never cried this much in real life. I don't see the people around and shout "How am I going to live when four of my friends have died?" At this time I am thinking maybe I won't make it this time- I can't accept my dearest friends' death and still picture myself smiling again. I see hope and peace only in suicide. Suicide is the only thing that would save me.
Perhaps my mind finally got destroyed by the shock; my 'existence' split into two. There appeared my double, a beautiful, tall woman with long hair. She had my mind filled with revenge. The other half of my existence was me waiting as a ghost. I couldn't put an end to my life unless I took revenge for my dear friend's murder. I (the two of them) existed solely for this purpose.
The long-haired self, the avenger that existed as a physical being, succeeds in invading the murderer's quarters. It was a surprisingly high-tech place. I’m in the huge mechanical dome with the murderer. I finally found the ugly freak's face that was under the mask. I pretend to be his friend, a bitch just so I could get close enough to kill him for sure. I sense his total trust in me. I am probably his only friend. Some time passes and the murderer is still alive. The long-haired avatar is still playing his loyal friend. When are you going to kill him?! I’m waiting as a ghost, staying alive only for the moment of revenge. She's been playing the role for so long that she was forgetting her purpose or where she came from. She was even beginning to be his real friend.
I wait as a ghost, watching the traitor in despair. I couldn't even die when my body belonged to that woman. Am I doomed to forever wander as half an existence, watching part of my existence staying with the man that killed my friend?
*******
I woke up from the dream but the despair still lingered for a long time after that. Why the hell is my nightmare so graphically vivid?! Why do I have to be tortured like this so often? Do I not deserve a rest! (o.O;) Part of me doesn't believe it was just a dream. It was too lifelike, powerful enough to make me see hope in suicide. Par of me believes this event really took place in a parallel world. Otherwise it couldn't have traumatized me.
[p.s] Speaking of parallel world, I actually had a lucid moment just before this dream. I am hypnotizing myself "You are departing from your body." And I see myself floating away. Maybe that's how I made a trip to the parallel world?
Anyone here write a dream journal? I'd love to discuss dreams...
[June 5, 06]
Let's just skip the paragraph about my fifth pregnancy this year. It wears me out to even think about the meaning of these nightmares. Actually, I've come to a conclusion that these are meaningless dreams that probably comes from my subconscious fear of pregnancy and marriage. *rips the page out of the notebook and crumples it* (O_o+)
In the dream I'm around 10 yrs old. I'm squatting down in a place which resembled an elementary school gym. Next to me appeared a middle-aged gentleman wearing red tie. He squats down perhaps to talk to me. I find myself filled with strange, desperate desire and panic, thinking it's my father. I don't even remember what my biological father looked like. I never wanted a father and could never even imagine wanting one. But I burst into tears and shout at the man "Father, I don't know anything about you." That explosion of emotion shocked me as I shouted. It's ridiculous. The strange thing is that man couldn't have been my father. Though I don't remember my father it just didn't feel it was him.
[June 7 06]
This night terror devastated my mind so bad that it probably killed several billion brain cells. I am with my friend having peaceful and enjoyable time chatting in the room. He then goes outside for shopping that I asked. He doesn't return. At past 3 am, I'm sitting in a dark room wondering what might've happened. Then I see a shadow of a human figure at the window. Relieved and delighted, I rush toward the window and nearly scream when I see it's a masked man pointing a gun at my friend. Without saying a word, the masked man dragged my friend into the dark. I don't know how many hours have past, but I sat there as the sun rose outside. Being in panic seemed to have a numbed my body and mind, I don't do anything but sit there praying for his safety. But I somehow knew he won't be safe and for some reason I felt responsible - it felt the shopping task I asked was unnecessary, something he did not have to do. My phone rings and the monotonous voice (of his family?) tells me he was found dead.
In this dream three of my friends have supposedly been murdered but I don't remember it until the moment of this terrible announcement. I was too mentally messed up and in denial to attend or even think about his funeral. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I have never cried this much in real life. I don't see the people around and shout "How am I going to live when four of my friends have died?" At this time I am thinking maybe I won't make it this time- I can't accept my dearest friends' death and still picture myself smiling again. I see hope and peace only in suicide. Suicide is the only thing that would save me.
Perhaps my mind finally got destroyed by the shock; my 'existence' split into two. There appeared my double, a beautiful, tall woman with long hair. She had my mind filled with revenge. The other half of my existence was me waiting as a ghost. I couldn't put an end to my life unless I took revenge for my dear friend's murder. I (the two of them) existed solely for this purpose.
The long-haired self, the avenger that existed as a physical being, succeeds in invading the murderer's quarters. It was a surprisingly high-tech place. I’m in the huge mechanical dome with the murderer. I finally found the ugly freak's face that was under the mask. I pretend to be his friend, a bitch just so I could get close enough to kill him for sure. I sense his total trust in me. I am probably his only friend. Some time passes and the murderer is still alive. The long-haired avatar is still playing his loyal friend. When are you going to kill him?! I’m waiting as a ghost, staying alive only for the moment of revenge. She's been playing the role for so long that she was forgetting her purpose or where she came from. She was even beginning to be his real friend.
I wait as a ghost, watching the traitor in despair. I couldn't even die when my body belonged to that woman. Am I doomed to forever wander as half an existence, watching part of my existence staying with the man that killed my friend?
*******
I woke up from the dream but the despair still lingered for a long time after that. Why the hell is my nightmare so graphically vivid?! Why do I have to be tortured like this so often? Do I not deserve a rest! (o.O;) Part of me doesn't believe it was just a dream. It was too lifelike, powerful enough to make me see hope in suicide. Par of me believes this event really took place in a parallel world. Otherwise it couldn't have traumatized me.
[p.s] Speaking of parallel world, I actually had a lucid moment just before this dream. I am hypnotizing myself "You are departing from your body." And I see myself floating away. Maybe that's how I made a trip to the parallel world?
Anyone here write a dream journal? I'd love to discuss dreams...