(no subject)
Lately I've been wanting to get back into the groove of writing. I've been having this miserable writers block though. I was looking over poetry I wrote in treatment and I don't know if I'll ever be able to match it. I'm being a bit pessimisstic but damn I just feel like I've lost every fucking creative cell in my brain. I guess I'll just have to dive deeper into me to find it.
I watched Requiem for a Dream yesterday. I think that's like the billionth time I've seem that damn movie. Yet for some reason it hit me really hard and now I'm on this trip that I'm starting to turn into something I just left. If that makes sense? Anywho, I guess I'm basically trying to say that I need to get back on track and focused for senior year.
I'm still with Fabian. I don't really understand why. I mean I believe what he tells me but then I don't. Like I've said the people here are full of drama and just looking to fuck up a good relationship and someone could have said that to fuck with me, but it's hard to cancel out the possiblity that there is validity to these comments. That and I think I may just be getting bored. Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot but sometimes I think I don't want a serious relationship. But I guess this is also just the part of me that's yearning so bad for the past. I remember there was a time when I could give a shit less about hurting people, especially my boyfriends and now I'm a sucker like everyone else. I miss the fun, adventurous Serena and she's not coming back...at least not to the same degree. Maybe I just need to get out more...at least with a bigger range of people instead of making myself exclusive with like two fucking people. I don't know, I'll figure it out eventually.
Then I was thinking, maybe I'm not bored, but maybe I've turned into a full blown lesbian. Kind of crazy yes I know, but lately girls are the only fucking thing on my mind. Thing is I don't want to act out on my wants and end up fucking up everything with Fabian. What if I'm wrong about all of this and destroy everything we've gained together. I sound so fucking sappy. But ya....
I watched Requiem for a Dream yesterday. I think that's like the billionth time I've seem that damn movie. Yet for some reason it hit me really hard and now I'm on this trip that I'm starting to turn into something I just left. If that makes sense? Anywho, I guess I'm basically trying to say that I need to get back on track and focused for senior year.
I'm still with Fabian. I don't really understand why. I mean I believe what he tells me but then I don't. Like I've said the people here are full of drama and just looking to fuck up a good relationship and someone could have said that to fuck with me, but it's hard to cancel out the possiblity that there is validity to these comments. That and I think I may just be getting bored. Don't get me wrong, I love him a lot but sometimes I think I don't want a serious relationship. But I guess this is also just the part of me that's yearning so bad for the past. I remember there was a time when I could give a shit less about hurting people, especially my boyfriends and now I'm a sucker like everyone else. I miss the fun, adventurous Serena and she's not coming back...at least not to the same degree. Maybe I just need to get out more...at least with a bigger range of people instead of making myself exclusive with like two fucking people. I don't know, I'll figure it out eventually.
Then I was thinking, maybe I'm not bored, but maybe I've turned into a full blown lesbian. Kind of crazy yes I know, but lately girls are the only fucking thing on my mind. Thing is I don't want to act out on my wants and end up fucking up everything with Fabian. What if I'm wrong about all of this and destroy everything we've gained together. I sound so fucking sappy. But ya....