It's not much, but my money's on you
Well LJ. I finally failed you completely. It's been exactly a year since my last post, since in accordance with the prophecy I must complete the new year's meme.
I think of you often, LJ. I miss you. Tumblr was pretty good to me this year, but it'll never be quite the same.
*wistful sigh*
1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
I went to KatsuCon for the first time, and got sick, just like everyone says. I had an endoscopy (nothing found) and went to Arizona for the first time. Oh, and I got engaged. I guess that's kind of a big deal.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually got really good at flossing for a while! ...and then I failed again. But I started again this morning, so we'll see. I'd like to feel that I'm old enough to make resolutions like "be less afraid of everything" or "talk to people more because you always mean to" but uh... yeah. I dunno that I should be that ambitious.
FLOSSING: THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, although I got a snapchat last night that I believe implied one of my oldest friends is pregnant. So there's that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit?
The strange shores of "an anime con where I wasn't on staff." Hadn't been there for a while, it was very unsettling.
Still bummed that I never made it to Kyushuu to see yawmin.
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Okay so in 2013 I wrote:
From last year: But I'd like a little more mental/emotional stability from myself. I'd like to have some writing ability or at least some freedom from the fear of writing. Better funding would also always be nice. And goals. Those would be cool too.
And then last year I wrote:
I guess I feel the same? I think my brain has gotten a bit better, but there's still a lot to be done in terms of the fears that still haunt me and dog at my heels. Also my therapist thinks I should try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I guess I'd like to have some idea of that too.
Well. Uh. So I don't know that my brain has actually gotten any better. It did in some ways, but this past week alone has been an adventure with my anxiety and stress and I know that I'm still haunted by so many fears. So I guess I really would like to see some improvement in myself. I glimpsed it in regards to my writing for a while in 2014, but I'd like to see it again. I'd like to see it last. I really would like more motivation in general, though.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 13-15 - First KatsuCon. Cried more times in three days than I usually do in three months. A learning experience, certainly.
Mar. 2 - My birthday, of note.
Mar. 12 - Fifth anniversary with infinityduck. I can't remember if we did anything though...
Apr. 9 - Started posting my first multipart fic in years in the Attack on Titan/SNK fandom: "Say You Will (Or That You Wish You Could)"
Apr. 29 (I think)- accidentally got promoted at work. In that when I applied for the shift leader job, I didn't think I'd actually get it. Haaaaaa, surprise. I always end up in management somehow.
May...early on - Found Juju in pain and discovered she had a bladder stone. She needed surgery to remove it, but she came through it great. Scary, though. No more stones, pigs, please.
June something - jou's "Fantastic Four" comic came out! :D
July 4 - Despite feeling lousy most of the time, had a very good holiday with friends complete with pool paddling and terrible tennis.
Most of the summer - felt ill and stressed out, but managed to write. Impressed with myself. Also saw a GI doctor who took me seriously which was new and exciting.
July - "Free! Eternal Summer" started happening. 9.6
Aug. 8-10 - OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Aug. 20 - My first endoscopy.
Sept. 5 - Final chapter of "Say You Will" posted. I still miss it. I'm so proud of it.
Oct. 16 - made a post about my emetophobia on tumblr. *sighs* Long way to go there.
Oct. 31 - dressed as David from "John Dies at the End." No one got it.
Nov. 13 - six year anniversary with my Olivia. She's still hanging in there. <3
Dec. 13 - Was surprised by infinityduck with the long-rumored ring and became an engaged creature.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Without a doubt, writing. I wrote and I wrote a whole story and it turned out pretty well and I managed to update it every week except once and it meant so much to me and it was so important. And now I can barely believe it happened.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Uh...probably that I freaked myself out about writing again shortly after finishing my story. Haaaaa, thanks brain! :D But I also didn't sew as much as I could, and I spent a lot of time feeling ill and scared and not making doctor's appointments to fix these things.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick at KatsuCon and actually thought my head might blow up on the plane ride home. I got some kind of GI thing in March which was not as horrible as it could have been, but severely unpleasant, and I spent a lot of the summer feeling very stressed (work so busy so busy @.@) and very ill. I also maybe got something just a few days ago. I was coughing kind of bad for a bit and leaking from the face.
ALSO MY BRAIN BUT...YOU KNOW. 9w6
11. What was the best thing you bought?
...you know? I really have no idea. I don't remember making one really big special purchase this year, and like...jou bought me my Samezuka jacket... Gosh. I got some great art and fan goods at the cons I went to, but...that might have been it. Wow. Where has my terirble materialism gone?
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family, my friends, my friends who are my family, my pigs, my Chris, the shift leaders I worked with and work with now who have made me feel like taking the job was the right decision. I have the most extraordinary people in my life and I'm so lucky.
And a whole lot of people online who took the time to read and comment on my story. I got overwhelmed by comments and failed to answer everything and everyone but I remain grateful for all of it, moreso than anyone could ever really know.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The government, who continues its many year streak of being the worst ever. The world's most horrible temp.
14. Where did most of your money go?
From last year and the year before: Always the bills, always the groceries, so many books. So many books.
ALL THE BILLS OKAY. But also...more anime-related merchandise than I would have expected. Who knew.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing my story. Otakon. "Free! Eternal Summer." YAMAZAKI SOUSUKE.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Probably "The Nerve" by the Republic Tigers, since that's where the name of my story came from. Maybe also "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift. She's really grown on me this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Mercurial.
ii. thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter, I think.
iii. richer or poorer? At the moment I think I'm actually slightly richer? But that's mostly because we haven't paid January's bills yet. :F
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Not sleeping. Sewing. Probably exercising.
Good answer, past Amber. We'll keep that.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Freaking out about my stomach, being nervous, lying on the bathroom floor feeling ill.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
We actually went to Arizona in the middle of December to have Christmas with Chris' parents, which was interesting, since it was 70 degrees and sunny but it was winter and my mind was totally blown. On actual Christmas Eve, we saw "Big Hero 6" with my mom and Megan, had dinner with my parents and some of their friends, then my dad and I made our annual trip to my mom's church. The following morning, we did bagels and gifts, then I went home and fell asleep, and then we returned to the house for meat. Delicious meat.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
I kinda did. I remembered why I love writing. There's also that fucking gay swimming anime with that goddamn stupid sullen character I ended up having a thing for.
23. How many one-night stands?
No hablo englais.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
With the addition of "Criminal Minds" to Netflix and a site that streams MST3K episodes 24/7, I have lost complete control of my life and watch almost nothing else except for nature documentaries and sometimes like 18 episodes of "Forensic Files" in one sitting.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
...maybe a little. >.> But the longer she's gone, the less I'll feel about her.
26. What was the best book you read?
...crap, what did I read? I mean...I work with books every day and I'm always reading something on lunch but...
....damn, yo.....
To be honest, I think I read less this year because in a lot of my free time I was writing. I really liked "Wool" by Hugh Howey, but I think I'm in a minority there (at least among my booky brethren). I reread "John Dies at the End," which continues to blow me away, and the sequel, which kind of broke my heart.
OH! I finally read the Akira manga! IT WAS PHENOMENAL. I NEED TO READ IT AGAIN.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Uh........honestly, I don't think I had one this year. There was a lot of random stuff I listened to, but no one artist really sticks out. I'm still pretty stuck on Dessa, and nothing else has really gotten under my skin quite the same way.
28. What did you want and get?
A fic written for me, by me! :D And a GI doctor who was actually proactive.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
You know, I feel like this was kind of a lame year for movies, or at least for me, not a whole lot stood out. Probably "Snowpiercer," honestly.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31, and I spent some of the day writing at a coffee shop with friends, then had a joint party with jou at a karaoke bar. After the singing, a few of us went back to my apartment and watched "Kamikaze Girls." It may not have been elaborate as turning 30, but it was a good time.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less fear of writing. Less fear in general. More snow in December.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
All long-sleeve shirts under t-shirts, all the time. Also "Can I wear my Titan hoodie with this? YES I CAN."
Same old, same old. I swear, though, I'd wear that sweatshirt like every day if I didn't think people would start mistaking me for some crazed titan-hobo.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends online and offline. My family. My pigs. My faithful shower, which runs out of hot water too soon, but still provides me with soothing falling water sounds when I most need them, and Rainymood.com and my ipod "Quicksleep" app which makes the rain noises when I feel guilty about wasting water but need to calm down anyway.
And, I'll be honest: Alprazolam. I don't always need it, and sometimes just knowing the bottle is in my pocket is enough. But I'm grateful that it's there when I need it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...I....uh....I dunno, Chris Evans sure is a sweetie, isn't he?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
37. Who did you miss?
From last year: Everyone who isn't here, people I need to reconnect with but am scared to talk to, people who are close but seem so far.
Yeah, still true.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I got to meet so many amazing people this year, at cons, over the internet, and finally on tumblr. I don't want to pick a best, but my three betas -Fini, Tori, and my Queen Revolvermonkcelot- are all incredibly special to me. A long time ago, when I was a teenager, I made a friend on the internet (yes you, Pairaka <3) and she helped me become the person I am. It feels kind of neat to talk to Tori and Fini about growing up, and feel like maybe I can finally pay forward everything Pairaka did for me.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
This may be cheesy, but I saw this quote the other day, and I can't get it out of my head:
"The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing." - Yasmin Mogahed
I think that's a lesson I could stand to take to heart.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's a long walk
And it's a steep hill
No time for small talk
No time for weak wills
You mind your business and you try to stay real
Half Dorothy Parker
Half April O'Neal
...
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth had discovered
…No telling how all this will work out
…But I’ve come too far to go back now.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, a little differently. May this be a better year for us, and all of us.
Happy New Year. May it be a good year for us, and all of us.
I think of you often, LJ. I miss you. Tumblr was pretty good to me this year, but it'll never be quite the same.
*wistful sigh*
1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
I went to KatsuCon for the first time, and got sick, just like everyone says. I had an endoscopy (nothing found) and went to Arizona for the first time. Oh, and I got engaged. I guess that's kind of a big deal.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually got really good at flossing for a while! ...and then I failed again. But I started again this morning, so we'll see. I'd like to feel that I'm old enough to make resolutions like "be less afraid of everything" or "talk to people more because you always mean to" but uh... yeah. I dunno that I should be that ambitious.
FLOSSING: THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, although I got a snapchat last night that I believe implied one of my oldest friends is pregnant. So there's that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no.
5. What countries did you visit?
The strange shores of "an anime con where I wasn't on staff." Hadn't been there for a while, it was very unsettling.
Still bummed that I never made it to Kyushuu to see yawmin.
6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Okay so in 2013 I wrote:
From last year: But I'd like a little more mental/emotional stability from myself. I'd like to have some writing ability or at least some freedom from the fear of writing. Better funding would also always be nice. And goals. Those would be cool too.
And then last year I wrote:
I guess I feel the same? I think my brain has gotten a bit better, but there's still a lot to be done in terms of the fears that still haunt me and dog at my heels. Also my therapist thinks I should try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I guess I'd like to have some idea of that too.
Well. Uh. So I don't know that my brain has actually gotten any better. It did in some ways, but this past week alone has been an adventure with my anxiety and stress and I know that I'm still haunted by so many fears. So I guess I really would like to see some improvement in myself. I glimpsed it in regards to my writing for a while in 2014, but I'd like to see it again. I'd like to see it last. I really would like more motivation in general, though.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 13-15 - First KatsuCon. Cried more times in three days than I usually do in three months. A learning experience, certainly.
Mar. 2 - My birthday, of note.
Mar. 12 - Fifth anniversary with infinityduck. I can't remember if we did anything though...
Apr. 9 - Started posting my first multipart fic in years in the Attack on Titan/SNK fandom: "Say You Will (Or That You Wish You Could)"
Apr. 29 (I think)- accidentally got promoted at work. In that when I applied for the shift leader job, I didn't think I'd actually get it. Haaaaaa, surprise. I always end up in management somehow.
May...early on - Found Juju in pain and discovered she had a bladder stone. She needed surgery to remove it, but she came through it great. Scary, though. No more stones, pigs, please.
June something - jou's "Fantastic Four" comic came out! :D
July 4 - Despite feeling lousy most of the time, had a very good holiday with friends complete with pool paddling and terrible tennis.
Most of the summer - felt ill and stressed out, but managed to write. Impressed with myself. Also saw a GI doctor who took me seriously which was new and exciting.
July - "Free! Eternal Summer" started happening. 9.6
Aug. 8-10 - OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Aug. 20 - My first endoscopy.
Sept. 5 - Final chapter of "Say You Will" posted. I still miss it. I'm so proud of it.
Oct. 16 - made a post about my emetophobia on tumblr. *sighs* Long way to go there.
Oct. 31 - dressed as David from "John Dies at the End." No one got it.
Nov. 13 - six year anniversary with my Olivia. She's still hanging in there. <3
Dec. 13 - Was surprised by infinityduck with the long-rumored ring and became an engaged creature.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Without a doubt, writing. I wrote and I wrote a whole story and it turned out pretty well and I managed to update it every week except once and it meant so much to me and it was so important. And now I can barely believe it happened.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Uh...probably that I freaked myself out about writing again shortly after finishing my story. Haaaaa, thanks brain! :D But I also didn't sew as much as I could, and I spent a lot of time feeling ill and scared and not making doctor's appointments to fix these things.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got sick at KatsuCon and actually thought my head might blow up on the plane ride home. I got some kind of GI thing in March which was not as horrible as it could have been, but severely unpleasant, and I spent a lot of the summer feeling very stressed (work so busy so busy @.@) and very ill. I also maybe got something just a few days ago. I was coughing kind of bad for a bit and leaking from the face.
ALSO MY BRAIN BUT...YOU KNOW. 9w6
11. What was the best thing you bought?
...you know? I really have no idea. I don't remember making one really big special purchase this year, and like...jou bought me my Samezuka jacket... Gosh. I got some great art and fan goods at the cons I went to, but...that might have been it. Wow. Where has my terirble materialism gone?
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family, my friends, my friends who are my family, my pigs, my Chris, the shift leaders I worked with and work with now who have made me feel like taking the job was the right decision. I have the most extraordinary people in my life and I'm so lucky.
And a whole lot of people online who took the time to read and comment on my story. I got overwhelmed by comments and failed to answer everything and everyone but I remain grateful for all of it, moreso than anyone could ever really know.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The government, who continues its many year streak of being the worst ever. The world's most horrible temp.
14. Where did most of your money go?
From last year and the year before: Always the bills, always the groceries, so many books. So many books.
ALL THE BILLS OKAY. But also...more anime-related merchandise than I would have expected. Who knew.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing my story. Otakon. "Free! Eternal Summer." YAMAZAKI SOUSUKE.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
Probably "The Nerve" by the Republic Tigers, since that's where the name of my story came from. Maybe also "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift. She's really grown on me this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Mercurial.
ii. thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter, I think.
iii. richer or poorer? At the moment I think I'm actually slightly richer? But that's mostly because we haven't paid January's bills yet. :F
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Not sleeping. Sewing. Probably exercising.
Good answer, past Amber. We'll keep that.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Freaking out about my stomach, being nervous, lying on the bathroom floor feeling ill.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
We actually went to Arizona in the middle of December to have Christmas with Chris' parents, which was interesting, since it was 70 degrees and sunny but it was winter and my mind was totally blown. On actual Christmas Eve, we saw "Big Hero 6" with my mom and Megan, had dinner with my parents and some of their friends, then my dad and I made our annual trip to my mom's church. The following morning, we did bagels and gifts, then I went home and fell asleep, and then we returned to the house for meat. Delicious meat.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
I kinda did. I remembered why I love writing. There's also that fucking gay swimming anime with that goddamn stupid sullen character I ended up having a thing for.
23. How many one-night stands?
No hablo englais.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
With the addition of "Criminal Minds" to Netflix and a site that streams MST3K episodes 24/7, I have lost complete control of my life and watch almost nothing else except for nature documentaries and sometimes like 18 episodes of "Forensic Files" in one sitting.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
...maybe a little. >.> But the longer she's gone, the less I'll feel about her.
26. What was the best book you read?
...crap, what did I read? I mean...I work with books every day and I'm always reading something on lunch but...
....damn, yo.....
To be honest, I think I read less this year because in a lot of my free time I was writing. I really liked "Wool" by Hugh Howey, but I think I'm in a minority there (at least among my booky brethren). I reread "John Dies at the End," which continues to blow me away, and the sequel, which kind of broke my heart.
OH! I finally read the Akira manga! IT WAS PHENOMENAL. I NEED TO READ IT AGAIN.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Uh........honestly, I don't think I had one this year. There was a lot of random stuff I listened to, but no one artist really sticks out. I'm still pretty stuck on Dessa, and nothing else has really gotten under my skin quite the same way.
28. What did you want and get?
A fic written for me, by me! :D And a GI doctor who was actually proactive.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
You know, I feel like this was kind of a lame year for movies, or at least for me, not a whole lot stood out. Probably "Snowpiercer," honestly.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31, and I spent some of the day writing at a coffee shop with friends, then had a joint party with jou at a karaoke bar. After the singing, a few of us went back to my apartment and watched "Kamikaze Girls." It may not have been elaborate as turning 30, but it was a good time.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less fear of writing. Less fear in general. More snow in December.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
All long-sleeve shirts under t-shirts, all the time. Also "Can I wear my Titan hoodie with this? YES I CAN."
Same old, same old. I swear, though, I'd wear that sweatshirt like every day if I didn't think people would start mistaking me for some crazed titan-hobo.
34. What kept you sane?
My friends online and offline. My family. My pigs. My faithful shower, which runs out of hot water too soon, but still provides me with soothing falling water sounds when I most need them, and Rainymood.com and my ipod "Quicksleep" app which makes the rain noises when I feel guilty about wasting water but need to calm down anyway.
And, I'll be honest: Alprazolam. I don't always need it, and sometimes just knowing the bottle is in my pocket is enough. But I'm grateful that it's there when I need it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...I....uh....I dunno, Chris Evans sure is a sweetie, isn't he?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
37. Who did you miss?
From last year: Everyone who isn't here, people I need to reconnect with but am scared to talk to, people who are close but seem so far.
Yeah, still true.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I got to meet so many amazing people this year, at cons, over the internet, and finally on tumblr. I don't want to pick a best, but my three betas -Fini, Tori, and my Queen Revolvermonkcelot- are all incredibly special to me. A long time ago, when I was a teenager, I made a friend on the internet (yes you, Pairaka <3) and she helped me become the person I am. It feels kind of neat to talk to Tori and Fini about growing up, and feel like maybe I can finally pay forward everything Pairaka did for me.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
This may be cheesy, but I saw this quote the other day, and I can't get it out of my head:
"The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing." - Yasmin Mogahed
I think that's a lesson I could stand to take to heart.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's a long walk
And it's a steep hill
No time for small talk
No time for weak wills
You mind your business and you try to stay real
Half Dorothy Parker
Half April O'Neal
...
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth had discovered
…No telling how all this will work out
…But I’ve come too far to go back now.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again, a little differently. May this be a better year for us, and all of us.
Happy New Year. May it be a good year for us, and all of us.