Hello from the other side
No more excuses.
I'm not on LJ anymore now, except for this yearly ritual. I'm mostly at peace with this now, although there are times when I wonder if going back to keeping a daily journal would help with my writing at all. I don't know.
But here we are again, LJ, to fulfill the prophecy once more.
What a fucking year.
1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
-Got a tattoo!
-Got a colonoscopy!
-Became an (honorary) aunt 3 times over!
-Got married!
-Exchanged commitment rings with my girlfriend!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
You know...every year I talk about flossing. It's always flossing. For a while again this year I got good at flossing, but when I started feeling sick and depressed all the time it was hard enough just getting out of bed.
The past year left me scarred enough that I'm not going to make any better resolutions than just "try a little every day to do...something. Even if it's just empty the dishwasher."
And I need to start flossing again. If I die, they'll put it on my tombstone: "Every year she resolved to floss and was really bad at it."
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES.
THREE PEOPLE.
IT WAS INSANE.
Last year I said I'd just gotten a snapchat from one of my oldest friends suggesting she was pregnant. And she was. She had a girl in July. monkeybobert had a girl 10 days before my wedding. And Megan had a boy in November.
It was terrifying to me on a hundred levels, but I'm a bit more at peace now. Although like...wow, I do not ever want to do that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Olivia died on Feb. 13. I wasn't there, but Chris was. It's still very emotional for us to talk about.
5. What countries did you visit?
I went to some dark places in my head. That's about it.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
LET'S GO DOWN MEMORY LANE!!!!
Okay so in 2013 I wrote:
From last year: But I'd like a little more mental/emotional stability from myself. I'd like to have some writing ability or at least some freedom from the fear of writing. Better funding would also always be nice. And goals. Those would be cool too.
And then last year I wrote:
I guess I feel the same? I think my brain has gotten a bit better, but there's still a lot to be done in terms of the fears that still haunt me and dog at my heels. Also my therapist thinks I should try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I guess I'd like to have some idea of that too.
Well. Uh. So I don't know that my brain has actually gotten any better. It did in some ways, but this past week alone has been an adventure with my anxiety and stress and I know that I'm still haunted by so many fears. So I guess I really would like to see some improvement in myself. I glimpsed it in regards to my writing for a while in 2014, but I'd like to see it again. I'd like to see it last. I really would like more motivation in general, though.
You know what 2015 lacked? My sanity. My will. My health. It started to show up near the end, but my god...this was one of the hardest years of my life, and I went to some bad places in my head. What do I want in 2016? I want to not do that again. I want to not feel sick for almost an entire year. I want to see me be brave.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 13 - Olivia died.
Feb. 19 - Adopted Blossom, who had been left pregnant in a box at a dumpster at Christmas. Brought her home. Juju was not impressed.
Mar. 2 - My birthday, which I spent feeling very ill.
Mar. 8 - monkeybobert told me "I'm pregnant, I'm sorry!" and that she was due around my wedding day (she was in my wedding) and I freaked out.
May 7-8 - Went to Acen for the first time in over 10 years to meet some friends from SNK.
May 28 (I think) - Got my first tattoo. Both my parents wrote "Everything will be okay. Love Mom/Dad" and I had their handwriting tattooed around my right ankle. I absolutely love it.
June 3 (I think)- Had my first colonoscopy, which was an adventure. The night before was actually not the least fun I've ever had in the bathroom, but I wouldn't recommend it. They didn't find any signs of Crohn's or colon cancer, which was a huge relief. I continue to love my GI doctor.
July something: Went to my friend's baby shower. Baby showers are terrifying.
Most of the summer - felt ill and stressed out, did not write.
July 20-something- OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Aug. 15 - My bachelorette party.
Aug. 21 - Got an IUD (wow the pain wow) and saw Dessa again.
Oct. 7 - monkeybobert had a c-section, which means endless jokes about her daughter being a chestburster.
Oct. 18 - I GOT MARRIED.
Nov. 26 - got a ring from jou.
Dec. 5 - Saw Doomtree live.
Dec. 31 - did not sleep, dealt with almost every major bodily fluid other than blood over the course of the day, ultimately enjoyed the most fucked up grande finale to a year I've ever experienced. Merry Shitscram.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I feel like there weren't many, but...
I got the tattoo I've been talking about for years.
I dealt with irrational anger, not always in a productive way, but managed to gradually overcome it.
I put into words my feelings for Chris and for Jo in front of other people.
My wedding was pretty amazing, and on that day I felt fantastic.
9. What was your biggest failure?
...honestly I don't even want to start. I know it would mostly be things that I, in my head, considered failures, but it's such a dangerous slope. I didn't write this year, though. Not really. Not until I had to for a gift exchange, and then it was the night before. Writing terrified me.
I was angry at people I love for making choices about their own lives just because I don't understand it and assumed it meant they wouldn't need me anymore. That was uncalled for.
I holed up into myself and didn't try a lot of things I probably should have.
Yeah.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I felt sick most of the year.
I felt like even though I wasn't pregnant, I was the one with morning sickness every day.
My head was not good. My anxiety was terrible.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
TOYS!!! The Free! manjuu set, the Chokonto Friends Rin Plush that I love to buy clothes for, and my precious Erwin doll.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family, my friends, my friends who are my family, my pigs...everyone who didn't give up on me when I was angry at them, when I was terrified of everything, when I wanted to give up on myself. I will never stop being grateful for the people in my life.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
It's too long a list. People who are against gun control in a year of so many horrible gun-related incidents. The people who want to tear down Roe v. Wade. ISIS. Anyone who thinks ISIS stands for all Muslims.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Billz billz billz and groceries.
...and to Free! ES and other anime merchandise. It's a sickness.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Manjuus! Meeting people at Acen! Doing cons with Jo and starting a bank account together! MY WEDDING.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
"Freedom" by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton, from the "Django Unchained" soundtrack. It was sometimes the only thing I could bear to listen to, because it felt so true.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder. But I'd rather say "older."
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, I think.
iii. richer or poorer? Somewhat richer right now, but I have some bills waiting to clear and we got money for the wedding.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
35th verse, same as the first:
Writing. Not sleeping. Sewing. Probably exercising.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Last year I wrote:
Freaking out about my stomach, being nervous, lying on the bathroom floor feeling ill.
Apparently it was a premonition. Because that was my year in a nutshell.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
On Christmas Eve, we say "Mockingjay: Part 2" with Megan, and were kind of confused. On Christmas Day I had an argument with my mom, which is something that pretty much never happens and it was miserable and I cried a lot. We talked it all out, and everything was okay, but it wasn't what I wanted for the day. I didn't have any presents for my parents either, which made me feel really lame. At least there was the ritual delicious meat. That was nice.
21. How did you spent New Year's?
I spent most of the early part of the 31st in primal terror as Chris made very poor decisions and was very ill (he's fine) and I didn't sleep. I then went to work to be the only shift leader for an 11 hour day that involved endless phone calls, a staff of 6 when it was supposed to be 9, and a literally shitsplosion in one of the bathrooms. It ultimately became increasingly hilarious even as it was horrible. After work I got a free tea from a friend who works at Starbucks, then I came home, Jo made dinner, and I fell asleep watching "RoboCop" with Jo, Chris, feels-like-fire and our friend Kae. In the morning we went to brunch, and then we went back to sleep. In the evening Chris and I played at Target then came home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
In a way. I went to deeper places in my relationships with several people and that's changed a lot.
I guess...I finally came out and said what I feel and that made it all the more real.
23. How many one-night stands?
These are not the droids you're looking for.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I pretty much solely watch the 24/7 MST3K stream now, with the occasional "Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries" sprinkled in. When I get the chance I watch 800 years of "Forensic Files"
at a stretch. If there's a David Attenborough-narrated nature documentary available, I will watch that in circles.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Actually...no. I don't think so.
26. What was the best book you read?
"The End of Everything" by Megan Abbott absolutely fucking blew me away. I'm still stunned.
"Everything I Never Told You" by Celeste Ng was also phenomenal.
Did it have "everything" in the title? THEN I PROBABLY LOVED IT.
No really it was just those two but damn. Damn.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nicki Minaj? I dunno, I feel like I finally appreciate her more now. Florence and the Machine too, I guess.
28. What did you want and get?
The best wedding ever.
29. What did you want and not get?
Um...peace of mind, mostly.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
While I eventually came to really like "Mad Max: Fury Road," as far as first impressions go, I loved "The Martian" immediately. A+ would see it a third time.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32, and I spent half the day lying on the bathroom floor feeling lousy, and then Jo came over and we made dinner and watched TV. I didn't have enough energy or desire to do anything else or call anyone else, and no further plans were made. It was a very quiet day.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less perpetual anxiety. Less feeling sick. Less fear of writing. Any snow in December.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Does it have a hood and a zipper? I probably want to wear it all the time.
34. What kept you sane?
I don't think I can top last year's answer, so here you go:
My friends online and offline. My family. My pigs. My faithful shower, which runs out of hot water too soon, but still provides me with soothing falling water sounds when I most need them, and Rainymood.com and my ipod "Quicksleep" app which makes the rain noises when I feel guilty about wasting water but need to calm down anyway.
And, I'll be honest: Alprazolam. I don't always need it, and sometimes just knowing the bottle is in my pocket is enough. But I'm grateful that it's there when I need it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Honestly, I don't think I really cared about any of them.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
37. Who did you miss?
This answer never seems to change either:
Everyone who isn't here, people I need to reconnect with but am scared to talk to, people who are close but seem so far.
Yeah, still true.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I got to meet some friends from the titan fandom at Acen, and felt very good about being an "older fan." I also met another teenager that I have added to my "children I worry about as if I were their adopted mother" and that was neat.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
You know, I'd forgotten about this quote, but in doing this meme I found it again:
"The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing." - Yasmin Mogahed
It hits me every time.
Also "Someday this suffering will be useful to you."
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's hard letting go
I'm finally at peace but it feels wrong
Slow I'm getting up
My hands and feet are weaker than before
And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head
There's nothing I can see, darkness becomes me
But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
There's nothing that I'd take back
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret
Cause when I sing, you shout
I breathe out loud
You bleed, we crawl like animals
But when it's over, I'm still awake
...
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth had discovered
…No telling how all this will work out
…But I’ve come too far to go back now.
-
All right. I'm ready now. May it be a better year, a stronger year, a brighter year, for us and all of us.
I'm not on LJ anymore now, except for this yearly ritual. I'm mostly at peace with this now, although there are times when I wonder if going back to keeping a daily journal would help with my writing at all. I don't know.
But here we are again, LJ, to fulfill the prophecy once more.
What a fucking year.
1. What did you do in 2014 that you'd never done before?
-Got a tattoo!
-Got a colonoscopy!
-Became an (honorary) aunt 3 times over!
-Got married!
-Exchanged commitment rings with my girlfriend!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
You know...every year I talk about flossing. It's always flossing. For a while again this year I got good at flossing, but when I started feeling sick and depressed all the time it was hard enough just getting out of bed.
The past year left me scarred enough that I'm not going to make any better resolutions than just "try a little every day to do...something. Even if it's just empty the dishwasher."
And I need to start flossing again. If I die, they'll put it on my tombstone: "Every year she resolved to floss and was really bad at it."
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES.
THREE PEOPLE.
IT WAS INSANE.
Last year I said I'd just gotten a snapchat from one of my oldest friends suggesting she was pregnant. And she was. She had a girl in July. monkeybobert had a girl 10 days before my wedding. And Megan had a boy in November.
It was terrifying to me on a hundred levels, but I'm a bit more at peace now. Although like...wow, I do not ever want to do that.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Olivia died on Feb. 13. I wasn't there, but Chris was. It's still very emotional for us to talk about.
5. What countries did you visit?
I went to some dark places in my head. That's about it.
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
LET'S GO DOWN MEMORY LANE!!!!
Okay so in 2013 I wrote:
From last year: But I'd like a little more mental/emotional stability from myself. I'd like to have some writing ability or at least some freedom from the fear of writing. Better funding would also always be nice. And goals. Those would be cool too.
And then last year I wrote:
I guess I feel the same? I think my brain has gotten a bit better, but there's still a lot to be done in terms of the fears that still haunt me and dog at my heels. Also my therapist thinks I should try to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I guess I'd like to have some idea of that too.
Well. Uh. So I don't know that my brain has actually gotten any better. It did in some ways, but this past week alone has been an adventure with my anxiety and stress and I know that I'm still haunted by so many fears. So I guess I really would like to see some improvement in myself. I glimpsed it in regards to my writing for a while in 2014, but I'd like to see it again. I'd like to see it last. I really would like more motivation in general, though.
You know what 2015 lacked? My sanity. My will. My health. It started to show up near the end, but my god...this was one of the hardest years of my life, and I went to some bad places in my head. What do I want in 2016? I want to not do that again. I want to not feel sick for almost an entire year. I want to see me be brave.
7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 13 - Olivia died.
Feb. 19 - Adopted Blossom, who had been left pregnant in a box at a dumpster at Christmas. Brought her home. Juju was not impressed.
Mar. 2 - My birthday, which I spent feeling very ill.
Mar. 8 - monkeybobert told me "I'm pregnant, I'm sorry!" and that she was due around my wedding day (she was in my wedding) and I freaked out.
May 7-8 - Went to Acen for the first time in over 10 years to meet some friends from SNK.
May 28 (I think) - Got my first tattoo. Both my parents wrote "Everything will be okay. Love Mom/Dad" and I had their handwriting tattooed around my right ankle. I absolutely love it.
June 3 (I think)- Had my first colonoscopy, which was an adventure. The night before was actually not the least fun I've ever had in the bathroom, but I wouldn't recommend it. They didn't find any signs of Crohn's or colon cancer, which was a huge relief. I continue to love my GI doctor.
July something: Went to my friend's baby shower. Baby showers are terrifying.
Most of the summer - felt ill and stressed out, did not write.
July 20-something- OTAKOOOOOOOOOOOOON
Aug. 15 - My bachelorette party.
Aug. 21 - Got an IUD (wow the pain wow) and saw Dessa again.
Oct. 7 - monkeybobert had a c-section, which means endless jokes about her daughter being a chestburster.
Oct. 18 - I GOT MARRIED.
Nov. 26 - got a ring from jou.
Dec. 5 - Saw Doomtree live.
Dec. 31 - did not sleep, dealt with almost every major bodily fluid other than blood over the course of the day, ultimately enjoyed the most fucked up grande finale to a year I've ever experienced. Merry Shitscram.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I feel like there weren't many, but...
I got the tattoo I've been talking about for years.
I dealt with irrational anger, not always in a productive way, but managed to gradually overcome it.
I put into words my feelings for Chris and for Jo in front of other people.
My wedding was pretty amazing, and on that day I felt fantastic.
9. What was your biggest failure?
...honestly I don't even want to start. I know it would mostly be things that I, in my head, considered failures, but it's such a dangerous slope. I didn't write this year, though. Not really. Not until I had to for a gift exchange, and then it was the night before. Writing terrified me.
I was angry at people I love for making choices about their own lives just because I don't understand it and assumed it meant they wouldn't need me anymore. That was uncalled for.
I holed up into myself and didn't try a lot of things I probably should have.
Yeah.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I felt sick most of the year.
I felt like even though I wasn't pregnant, I was the one with morning sickness every day.
My head was not good. My anxiety was terrible.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
TOYS!!! The Free! manjuu set, the Chokonto Friends Rin Plush that I love to buy clothes for, and my precious Erwin doll.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My family, my friends, my friends who are my family, my pigs...everyone who didn't give up on me when I was angry at them, when I was terrified of everything, when I wanted to give up on myself. I will never stop being grateful for the people in my life.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
It's too long a list. People who are against gun control in a year of so many horrible gun-related incidents. The people who want to tear down Roe v. Wade. ISIS. Anyone who thinks ISIS stands for all Muslims.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Billz billz billz and groceries.
...and to Free! ES and other anime merchandise. It's a sickness.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Manjuus! Meeting people at Acen! Doing cons with Jo and starting a bank account together! MY WEDDING.
16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
"Freedom" by Anthony Hamilton and Elayna Boynton, from the "Django Unchained" soundtrack. It was sometimes the only thing I could bear to listen to, because it felt so true.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Sadder. But I'd rather say "older."
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter, I think.
iii. richer or poorer? Somewhat richer right now, but I have some bills waiting to clear and we got money for the wedding.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
35th verse, same as the first:
Writing. Not sleeping. Sewing. Probably exercising.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Last year I wrote:
Freaking out about my stomach, being nervous, lying on the bathroom floor feeling ill.
Apparently it was a premonition. Because that was my year in a nutshell.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
On Christmas Eve, we say "Mockingjay: Part 2" with Megan, and were kind of confused. On Christmas Day I had an argument with my mom, which is something that pretty much never happens and it was miserable and I cried a lot. We talked it all out, and everything was okay, but it wasn't what I wanted for the day. I didn't have any presents for my parents either, which made me feel really lame. At least there was the ritual delicious meat. That was nice.
21. How did you spent New Year's?
I spent most of the early part of the 31st in primal terror as Chris made very poor decisions and was very ill (he's fine) and I didn't sleep. I then went to work to be the only shift leader for an 11 hour day that involved endless phone calls, a staff of 6 when it was supposed to be 9, and a literally shitsplosion in one of the bathrooms. It ultimately became increasingly hilarious even as it was horrible. After work I got a free tea from a friend who works at Starbucks, then I came home, Jo made dinner, and I fell asleep watching "RoboCop" with Jo, Chris, feels-like-fire and our friend Kae. In the morning we went to brunch, and then we went back to sleep. In the evening Chris and I played at Target then came home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
In a way. I went to deeper places in my relationships with several people and that's changed a lot.
I guess...I finally came out and said what I feel and that made it all the more real.
23. How many one-night stands?
These are not the droids you're looking for.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I pretty much solely watch the 24/7 MST3K stream now, with the occasional "Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries" sprinkled in. When I get the chance I watch 800 years of "Forensic Files"
at a stretch. If there's a David Attenborough-narrated nature documentary available, I will watch that in circles.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Actually...no. I don't think so.
26. What was the best book you read?
"The End of Everything" by Megan Abbott absolutely fucking blew me away. I'm still stunned.
"Everything I Never Told You" by Celeste Ng was also phenomenal.
Did it have "everything" in the title? THEN I PROBABLY LOVED IT.
No really it was just those two but damn. Damn.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nicki Minaj? I dunno, I feel like I finally appreciate her more now. Florence and the Machine too, I guess.
28. What did you want and get?
The best wedding ever.
29. What did you want and not get?
Um...peace of mind, mostly.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
While I eventually came to really like "Mad Max: Fury Road," as far as first impressions go, I loved "The Martian" immediately. A+ would see it a third time.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32, and I spent half the day lying on the bathroom floor feeling lousy, and then Jo came over and we made dinner and watched TV. I didn't have enough energy or desire to do anything else or call anyone else, and no further plans were made. It was a very quiet day.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Less perpetual anxiety. Less feeling sick. Less fear of writing. Any snow in December.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Does it have a hood and a zipper? I probably want to wear it all the time.
34. What kept you sane?
I don't think I can top last year's answer, so here you go:
My friends online and offline. My family. My pigs. My faithful shower, which runs out of hot water too soon, but still provides me with soothing falling water sounds when I most need them, and Rainymood.com and my ipod "Quicksleep" app which makes the rain noises when I feel guilty about wasting water but need to calm down anyway.
And, I'll be honest: Alprazolam. I don't always need it, and sometimes just knowing the bottle is in my pocket is enough. But I'm grateful that it's there when I need it.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Honestly, I don't think I really cared about any of them.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
37. Who did you miss?
This answer never seems to change either:
Everyone who isn't here, people I need to reconnect with but am scared to talk to, people who are close but seem so far.
Yeah, still true.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I got to meet some friends from the titan fandom at Acen, and felt very good about being an "older fan." I also met another teenager that I have added to my "children I worry about as if I were their adopted mother" and that was neat.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
You know, I'd forgotten about this quote, but in doing this meme I found it again:
"The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing." - Yasmin Mogahed
It hits me every time.
Also "Someday this suffering will be useful to you."
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
It's hard letting go
I'm finally at peace but it feels wrong
Slow I'm getting up
My hands and feet are weaker than before
And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head
There's nothing I can see, darkness becomes me
But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
There's nothing that I'd take back
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret
Cause when I sing, you shout
I breathe out loud
You bleed, we crawl like animals
But when it's over, I'm still awake
...
Felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders…
Pressure to break or retreat at every turn
Facing the fear that the truth had discovered
…No telling how all this will work out
…But I’ve come too far to go back now.
-
All right. I'm ready now. May it be a better year, a stronger year, a brighter year, for us and all of us.