(no subject)
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I woke up at my usual 8:30 today even though my morning class wasn’t until 11. Jeff wanted me to wake him up last night but as expected, he did not wish to get out of bed to go to krispy kreme. We had these valentines day coupons from a while ago that we had to use, they expired today and since Jeff didn’t want to get up, I went to krispy kreme myself to get donuts. I was too stupid to check the weather and find out that it was freezing this morning but I’m not sick yet so that’s a good sign. I was also too stupid to read over my coupons properly so I got ripped off today. I came home sadly with just one dozen donuts but there is no use moping about it, just enjoy the donuts. Four per person seemed like very little at the time but four donuts in one sitting is far more than I can comfortably stomach.
I bombed my physical chemistry test today, I don’t know why I’ve been so off beat lately. I can’t focus anymore, I’m too antsy and I’m gaining my weight back. Nightmares are becoming frequent and no matter how much I fix myself I’m still sexually frustrated, today is the worst its been since the first week of school. I’m feeling needier than usual but its not showing quite as much as it did first semester, I don’t really think it would do anything if I complained to anyone, just a few words of comfort and then impatience.
Risa seems to be very insecure about the whole people not seeing her anymore thing, I guess I would be irritated too, its just odd that so many people have pointed this out. I’ve been realizing that I’ve been a douche bag to a lot of people and I really am an asshole at heart, it takes a lot to earn my trust, at least I’m honest and devoted? I always seem to find excuses to ignore some people and I really don’t know why I do that, I shouldn’t be so picky with my friends, I should put in the effort they put in but its hard to change.
Its kind of disgusting, this whole xanga that is; look how self centered I am, there are like fifty thousand Is in this entry alone. What else is there to talk about?
Emmy seems to be doing great, she seems happier now and even though she still doesn’t pick up when I call, however infrequent that is, she always calls back to see whats wrong. I don’t ever pick up the phone unless I’ve really got a problem or I need some information. I haven’t argued with her in a while even though we haven’t been talking really, I mean we do occasionally but not like first semester. I haven’t had a serious conversation with her for quite some time now, I miss sitting down and talking to people about their problems, its really hard to get people to open up. I tried to talk about serious stuff when Brianna and Julia came over but it didn’t really work. They came at 11:30 a few days ago and I didn’t really have much for them to do, they just watched an episode of boondocks, I think Julia was a little bothered by the race humor.
I’m wondering about my dreams, they usually aren’t very straightforward but I feel like the Emily monster one seems pretty obvious. I think maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t really had any big problems with em since newyears and I’m scared that she’ll crush me again, men shouldn’t cry like that. Andre said she turns into a monster because she had doubts, funny funny, I wonder what george bush and the bungee jumping meant. I’m sure the rest of the dreams had deeper meaning to them, I just can’t figure out what. Maybe I was really bothered by my last visit to barnard when they couldn’t find a place for me to sleep. Risa thinks that the Emily monster thing is just her changing beyond my control, I guess it makes sense that she’s changing into this destructive force that I couldn’t help to change and was also out to destroy me.
Eh, forgot what I wanted to say.
when i was little, i used to have nightmares about rubber duckies and roasted chestnuts. I'm not sure why I found chestnuts to be so frightening or the rubber duckies, but they reall scared the crap outa me. I'd see the duckies and only the duckies in complete whiteness, but it looks like its all on a crumpled piece of paper thats spikey to the touch, i could almost taste it too if that makes sense to you, tasting spikiness. The duck would then fade into chestnuts, just roasted chestnuts with nothing else.
Man its been a bad day. I'm sexually frustrated enough to cry right now, its physically painful. I can't really feel the difference between that and loneliness now, somehow the two feelings got mixed up within the last six months.
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emily is out to kill us, run children, run
I came home from class today and took a three hour nap, maybe three hours doesn’t count as a nap anymore, I don’t know. Well, I’ve been having a lot of very odd dreams lately and a few nightmares, can’t say I’ve had a nice dream since that one where I was having sex with Irina Sophie and Risa, I don’t know how Risa ended up in there though. No I’m not saying Risa is ugly, I’m just wondering why I had a sex dream about her.
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was part of an aerial acrobat crew along with George W. Bush and we were bungee jumping out in the middle of the ocean. We all hung off of this big metal frame with our bungee cords attached to it and let go one by one, bouncing up and down and catch the frame when we came back up, and did little scissor leggy motions like the way water dancers do it, but for some reason we had four legs. We all continued to drop up and down and do the leg thing until I thought wait, what if we accidentally fell on top of each other? Wouldn’t that be dangerous? At that same moment I had materialized under another dancer who was letting go, for some reason the other dancer didn’t fall but I did and this time the bungee cord didn’t pull me back up so I just fell. It was a very scary dream but not nearly as bad as the ones I had today, maybe only because today’s nightmares were drawn out.
I was dreaming that I had some kind of party here at the dorms, Shannon and Andre were here too. For some reason Emmy was sleeping and we were all staring at her, I thought hmm she normally looks really cute when she’s sleeping but today her facial expression is kinda scary. Half her face was kinda pulled up so she had a really long joker smile and asian eyes with a furrowed brow, but only half her face. I tried rubbing her face so she’d relax but it only made her face change colors and eventually she turned into a monster with a half black half white face. I don’t know what part of her looked so terrifying but I was really quite frightened. I ran out of the room along with a bunch of other people. I closed the door behind me and it flashed orange as Emily busted out chasing me. Andre, Shannon and this little black kid ran out and the black kid screamed WE GOIN DIE! while Emily was inside ripping people’s heads off. I ran away and for some reason next to the Hewitt building was Barnard so I stopped by Monica’s room with Risa there, but her room was an odd shape, slanted and without furniture. I sat in the corner and cried and did my tense thing that I do when im a wreck while the girls just rubbed my shoulder and said oh oh its okay don’t worry, oh but you can’t stay, what what? I wasn’t planning on staying… yeah um you can’t stay, well I mean I wasn’t going to… it would have been a hassle right? Um yeah you can’t stay, I’m sure I can find some other place to crash. I walked out into the lobby which looked more like a huge gym and andre was there with Shannon, but this whole time Shannon hasn’t said a word. I asked andre if he was scared he said hell yeah cuz Emily struck the Hewitt building too, trying to kill everyone I know. I asked why he thought Emily was doing this cuz I don’t know what to do and he said she transformed because she had doubts. I went out for a walk in this really shady neighborhood at night and I could see the moon from wherever I go. I was riding a shopping cart for some reason that had a lot of groceries and I was being chased by some kids. I woke up for a little bit and tried to go back to sleep.
This time I’m with just andre and the whole city was transformed into some kind of theme park surrounding the whole Emily massacre. Me and andre sit on the side of a dirt road waiting for a train to come. The train looks like those old steamers pulling the livestock and the big haystacks in the back, but this one had a guy on a megaphone commenting on all the places we were passing by. The city became really mountainous after the incident for some reason but I guess that’s not important. Me and andre sit on a haystack and the train takes off. For some reason the black kid is there too but I don’t think we really spoke to him. The black kid looked like a cross between Riley from Boondocks and this kid I knew in grade school named Joe King. The locomotive passes under a waterfall/cave and for some reason I appear out the other end in a grassy field with Emily and two blonde children that are apparently my children. There is someone narrating in the back the whole time saying that we were living happily ever after. We all stop at this tree with a hole in it, it looks all muddy on the inside and there was running water passing over this huge hole. For some reason I’m eating something, a muffin, possibly a bagel with lox and cream cheese, and emmy asks me to go inside the hole, I say ehhhhhh but I’m eating something and it looks wet in there, then she goes the Richard I married would have went into, her voice gets deep as shes saying this and she turns back into the demon, I try to defend myself but I couldn’t hit her and I end up getting kicked through the tree. For some reason on the other side of the tree was the edge of a cliff so I go falling off the cliff and I wake up as I’m falling. I tried to go back to sleep again and had yet another dream.
This time I’m with Tom Cruise trying to break into some military government something or other and get caught. We’re taken to a large empty room with blue carpet, just like the kind we had at China King in the Bronx. The walls were pasty white and we were tied to this tree in the middle of the room, but we couldn’t see anything on the tree except its trunk. These two military guys bring us there except one of them looks more like a cop cuz he was wearing a blue suit while the other dude was in green. The dude in green starts tazing the people around me who are tied to the tree and for some reason the little black kid is tied next to me. They were tazing us in the crotch and for some reason it would set you on fire and make you implode. They got to the black kid and right then someone starts banging on the door, but the door turns into a closet with exactly three long coats and one of them starts flashing orange the way it does when Emily is trying to get in so the black kid screams we goin die again and the military dudes end up skipping him. They get to me and try to taze me, I squirm around and the banging starts again so they look away, I get out somehow and try to hop out the open window but the dude in green catches me and says it’d be useless anyway cuz there are at least 14 officials looking for me outside. Emily finally busts in, the dude in green looks away and I jump out the window, but after I jump out the window I reappear inside again in front of the window. This time I take a bigger jump and fall through this giant shed full of cardboard pine cones. For some reason the shed turns into my dorm and all the pine cones are confined to my bed and Emily still in monster form is walking around looking for me. I try not to move or breathe or even look and eventually she leaves and I wake up.
The dreams might not have sounded very scary but you didn’t see monster Emily, man oh man I’m a little scared of sleeping tonight now. I called emmy today right after I woke up because I need to hear her say something happy and tell me she wasn’t going to come and kill me. It’s really strange that I had three connected dreams in a row, I’ve never experienced that before, Emily tried to kill me three dreams in a row.
Switching gears
I got firefox a little while ago and I’m liking the little quick bookmark buttons at the top, but I put emily’s xanga on the list so I’m checking her xanga every time I go through my rounds which I’m also doing much more frequently. I don’t know why I check so often, or my email or facebook, nobody ever facebook messages me or emails me either and Emily doesn’t write on her xanga very often.
Firefox also has a little search box on the side that lets you check the weather, look up a word, do a google search or a bunch of other things, its crazy.
Youtube is also one of my quick bookmark buttons so I’ve been there a lot. I’ve been watching a crapload of Beat of Angel music videos but its been making me feel dirty. I’m turning into a pedophile, fucking anime man. I didn’t think Kwon Boa was so young some of those videos, the ones I found her attractive in she was only 13 years old. She’s 19 now and far less attractive, singing mostly in Japanese. Why is it that people have to be so incredibly thin to be considered pretty and asian? Boa lost all the fat on her face so she doesn’t look cute anymore and now she just looks mmm bleh, processed, Korean turned Japanese. She looked very Korean in her early teen years and just lost it all after she got popular singing in Japanese. God she was so pretty when she was little, damnit this feels so dirty, gah, blah aldkfjalkjfiaeljfkdsf. The hope im not too messed up to have daughters.
Crap its late, I have to get up early tomorrow to eat krispy kreme donuts and study for P Chem, damn its going to be a busy week.
Kevin was going to bet money with me that Jeffrey would do better than me this semester again. He’s thinking about internships already and its making me feel helpless, the world is moving too quickly. It was a little hurtful when I was trying to ease my anxiety by agreeing with simon in saying its okay to not intern freshmen year, Kevin found it necessary to say that I’m just bitter that I don’t have enough qualifications to apply for an internship because he though I was putting him down by agreeing with Simon. It’s a little late to make up for internship experience. He’s one of those overachiever types, I guess there are a lot of those here at cooper, ah well, it’ll all find its way, I’m going to sleep.
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I woke up at my usual 8:30 today even though my morning class wasn’t until 11. Jeff wanted me to wake him up last night but as expected, he did not wish to get out of bed to go to krispy kreme. We had these valentines day coupons from a while ago that we had to use, they expired today and since Jeff didn’t want to get up, I went to krispy kreme myself to get donuts. I was too stupid to check the weather and find out that it was freezing this morning but I’m not sick yet so that’s a good sign. I was also too stupid to read over my coupons properly so I got ripped off today. I came home sadly with just one dozen donuts but there is no use moping about it, just enjoy the donuts. Four per person seemed like very little at the time but four donuts in one sitting is far more than I can comfortably stomach.
I bombed my physical chemistry test today, I don’t know why I’ve been so off beat lately. I can’t focus anymore, I’m too antsy and I’m gaining my weight back. Nightmares are becoming frequent and no matter how much I fix myself I’m still sexually frustrated, today is the worst its been since the first week of school. I’m feeling needier than usual but its not showing quite as much as it did first semester, I don’t really think it would do anything if I complained to anyone, just a few words of comfort and then impatience.
Risa seems to be very insecure about the whole people not seeing her anymore thing, I guess I would be irritated too, its just odd that so many people have pointed this out. I’ve been realizing that I’ve been a douche bag to a lot of people and I really am an asshole at heart, it takes a lot to earn my trust, at least I’m honest and devoted? I always seem to find excuses to ignore some people and I really don’t know why I do that, I shouldn’t be so picky with my friends, I should put in the effort they put in but its hard to change.
Its kind of disgusting, this whole xanga that is; look how self centered I am, there are like fifty thousand Is in this entry alone. What else is there to talk about?
Emmy seems to be doing great, she seems happier now and even though she still doesn’t pick up when I call, however infrequent that is, she always calls back to see whats wrong. I don’t ever pick up the phone unless I’ve really got a problem or I need some information. I haven’t argued with her in a while even though we haven’t been talking really, I mean we do occasionally but not like first semester. I haven’t had a serious conversation with her for quite some time now, I miss sitting down and talking to people about their problems, its really hard to get people to open up. I tried to talk about serious stuff when Brianna and Julia came over but it didn’t really work. They came at 11:30 a few days ago and I didn’t really have much for them to do, they just watched an episode of boondocks, I think Julia was a little bothered by the race humor.
I’m wondering about my dreams, they usually aren’t very straightforward but I feel like the Emily monster one seems pretty obvious. I think maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t really had any big problems with em since newyears and I’m scared that she’ll crush me again, men shouldn’t cry like that. Andre said she turns into a monster because she had doubts, funny funny, I wonder what george bush and the bungee jumping meant. I’m sure the rest of the dreams had deeper meaning to them, I just can’t figure out what. Maybe I was really bothered by my last visit to barnard when they couldn’t find a place for me to sleep. Risa thinks that the Emily monster thing is just her changing beyond my control, I guess it makes sense that she’s changing into this destructive force that I couldn’t help to change and was also out to destroy me.
Eh, forgot what I wanted to say.
when i was little, i used to have nightmares about rubber duckies and roasted chestnuts. I'm not sure why I found chestnuts to be so frightening or the rubber duckies, but they reall scared the crap outa me. I'd see the duckies and only the duckies in complete whiteness, but it looks like its all on a crumpled piece of paper thats spikey to the touch, i could almost taste it too if that makes sense to you, tasting spikiness. The duck would then fade into chestnuts, just roasted chestnuts with nothing else.
Man its been a bad day. I'm sexually frustrated enough to cry right now, its physically painful. I can't really feel the difference between that and loneliness now, somehow the two feelings got mixed up within the last six months.
Public - 8:29 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it
emily is out to kill us, run children, run
I came home from class today and took a three hour nap, maybe three hours doesn’t count as a nap anymore, I don’t know. Well, I’ve been having a lot of very odd dreams lately and a few nightmares, can’t say I’ve had a nice dream since that one where I was having sex with Irina Sophie and Risa, I don’t know how Risa ended up in there though. No I’m not saying Risa is ugly, I’m just wondering why I had a sex dream about her.
Two nights ago I had a dream that I was part of an aerial acrobat crew along with George W. Bush and we were bungee jumping out in the middle of the ocean. We all hung off of this big metal frame with our bungee cords attached to it and let go one by one, bouncing up and down and catch the frame when we came back up, and did little scissor leggy motions like the way water dancers do it, but for some reason we had four legs. We all continued to drop up and down and do the leg thing until I thought wait, what if we accidentally fell on top of each other? Wouldn’t that be dangerous? At that same moment I had materialized under another dancer who was letting go, for some reason the other dancer didn’t fall but I did and this time the bungee cord didn’t pull me back up so I just fell. It was a very scary dream but not nearly as bad as the ones I had today, maybe only because today’s nightmares were drawn out.
I was dreaming that I had some kind of party here at the dorms, Shannon and Andre were here too. For some reason Emmy was sleeping and we were all staring at her, I thought hmm she normally looks really cute when she’s sleeping but today her facial expression is kinda scary. Half her face was kinda pulled up so she had a really long joker smile and asian eyes with a furrowed brow, but only half her face. I tried rubbing her face so she’d relax but it only made her face change colors and eventually she turned into a monster with a half black half white face. I don’t know what part of her looked so terrifying but I was really quite frightened. I ran out of the room along with a bunch of other people. I closed the door behind me and it flashed orange as Emily busted out chasing me. Andre, Shannon and this little black kid ran out and the black kid screamed WE GOIN DIE! while Emily was inside ripping people’s heads off. I ran away and for some reason next to the Hewitt building was Barnard so I stopped by Monica’s room with Risa there, but her room was an odd shape, slanted and without furniture. I sat in the corner and cried and did my tense thing that I do when im a wreck while the girls just rubbed my shoulder and said oh oh its okay don’t worry, oh but you can’t stay, what what? I wasn’t planning on staying… yeah um you can’t stay, well I mean I wasn’t going to… it would have been a hassle right? Um yeah you can’t stay, I’m sure I can find some other place to crash. I walked out into the lobby which looked more like a huge gym and andre was there with Shannon, but this whole time Shannon hasn’t said a word. I asked andre if he was scared he said hell yeah cuz Emily struck the Hewitt building too, trying to kill everyone I know. I asked why he thought Emily was doing this cuz I don’t know what to do and he said she transformed because she had doubts. I went out for a walk in this really shady neighborhood at night and I could see the moon from wherever I go. I was riding a shopping cart for some reason that had a lot of groceries and I was being chased by some kids. I woke up for a little bit and tried to go back to sleep.
This time I’m with just andre and the whole city was transformed into some kind of theme park surrounding the whole Emily massacre. Me and andre sit on the side of a dirt road waiting for a train to come. The train looks like those old steamers pulling the livestock and the big haystacks in the back, but this one had a guy on a megaphone commenting on all the places we were passing by. The city became really mountainous after the incident for some reason but I guess that’s not important. Me and andre sit on a haystack and the train takes off. For some reason the black kid is there too but I don’t think we really spoke to him. The black kid looked like a cross between Riley from Boondocks and this kid I knew in grade school named Joe King. The locomotive passes under a waterfall/cave and for some reason I appear out the other end in a grassy field with Emily and two blonde children that are apparently my children. There is someone narrating in the back the whole time saying that we were living happily ever after. We all stop at this tree with a hole in it, it looks all muddy on the inside and there was running water passing over this huge hole. For some reason I’m eating something, a muffin, possibly a bagel with lox and cream cheese, and emmy asks me to go inside the hole, I say ehhhhhh but I’m eating something and it looks wet in there, then she goes the Richard I married would have went into, her voice gets deep as shes saying this and she turns back into the demon, I try to defend myself but I couldn’t hit her and I end up getting kicked through the tree. For some reason on the other side of the tree was the edge of a cliff so I go falling off the cliff and I wake up as I’m falling. I tried to go back to sleep again and had yet another dream.
This time I’m with Tom Cruise trying to break into some military government something or other and get caught. We’re taken to a large empty room with blue carpet, just like the kind we had at China King in the Bronx. The walls were pasty white and we were tied to this tree in the middle of the room, but we couldn’t see anything on the tree except its trunk. These two military guys bring us there except one of them looks more like a cop cuz he was wearing a blue suit while the other dude was in green. The dude in green starts tazing the people around me who are tied to the tree and for some reason the little black kid is tied next to me. They were tazing us in the crotch and for some reason it would set you on fire and make you implode. They got to the black kid and right then someone starts banging on the door, but the door turns into a closet with exactly three long coats and one of them starts flashing orange the way it does when Emily is trying to get in so the black kid screams we goin die again and the military dudes end up skipping him. They get to me and try to taze me, I squirm around and the banging starts again so they look away, I get out somehow and try to hop out the open window but the dude in green catches me and says it’d be useless anyway cuz there are at least 14 officials looking for me outside. Emily finally busts in, the dude in green looks away and I jump out the window, but after I jump out the window I reappear inside again in front of the window. This time I take a bigger jump and fall through this giant shed full of cardboard pine cones. For some reason the shed turns into my dorm and all the pine cones are confined to my bed and Emily still in monster form is walking around looking for me. I try not to move or breathe or even look and eventually she leaves and I wake up.
The dreams might not have sounded very scary but you didn’t see monster Emily, man oh man I’m a little scared of sleeping tonight now. I called emmy today right after I woke up because I need to hear her say something happy and tell me she wasn’t going to come and kill me. It’s really strange that I had three connected dreams in a row, I’ve never experienced that before, Emily tried to kill me three dreams in a row.
Switching gears
I got firefox a little while ago and I’m liking the little quick bookmark buttons at the top, but I put emily’s xanga on the list so I’m checking her xanga every time I go through my rounds which I’m also doing much more frequently. I don’t know why I check so often, or my email or facebook, nobody ever facebook messages me or emails me either and Emily doesn’t write on her xanga very often.
Firefox also has a little search box on the side that lets you check the weather, look up a word, do a google search or a bunch of other things, its crazy.
Youtube is also one of my quick bookmark buttons so I’ve been there a lot. I’ve been watching a crapload of Beat of Angel music videos but its been making me feel dirty. I’m turning into a pedophile, fucking anime man. I didn’t think Kwon Boa was so young some of those videos, the ones I found her attractive in she was only 13 years old. She’s 19 now and far less attractive, singing mostly in Japanese. Why is it that people have to be so incredibly thin to be considered pretty and asian? Boa lost all the fat on her face so she doesn’t look cute anymore and now she just looks mmm bleh, processed, Korean turned Japanese. She looked very Korean in her early teen years and just lost it all after she got popular singing in Japanese. God she was so pretty when she was little, damnit this feels so dirty, gah, blah aldkfjalkjfiaeljfkdsf. The hope im not too messed up to have daughters.
Crap its late, I have to get up early tomorrow to eat krispy kreme donuts and study for P Chem, damn its going to be a busy week.
Kevin was going to bet money with me that Jeffrey would do better than me this semester again. He’s thinking about internships already and its making me feel helpless, the world is moving too quickly. It was a little hurtful when I was trying to ease my anxiety by agreeing with simon in saying its okay to not intern freshmen year, Kevin found it necessary to say that I’m just bitter that I don’t have enough qualifications to apply for an internship because he though I was putting him down by agreeing with Simon. It’s a little late to make up for internship experience. He’s one of those overachiever types, I guess there are a lot of those here at cooper, ah well, it’ll all find its way, I’m going to sleep.
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