When I woke up tonight I said IIIII'M, gonna make somebody love me! (slight alteration xanga)
Some tuna, turkey, whole wheat bread and Paradise Kiss was served for dinner tonight, leaving me with a stomach full of dreams and questions. I see how Emily got so fickle, not completely but I’m sure all this stuff she’s soaked up had some effect on her, I know I’m feeling a bit off myself. I’m off to train to be a builder for our future but I never stopped appreciating beauty. When I was younger, I remembered wanting to be so many things… I wanted to be an artist, an interior decorator, there was even a short time where I wanted to do fashion; there is just something so captivating about stimulating the eyes. Stare at a woman for hours and not tire, get lost in a painting, turn your head and look back at a nice blouse, a beautiful dress. I want to be stimulated and being here at cooper is only dulling my senses, my eyes only know sunlight through a window, my nose only knows the air between the engineering building and the dorm, my hands… they have forgotten what it feels like to hold her hand, stroke her hair, touch her face. My ears… well my ears have always been a bit dull, I feel like some jazz though, I think I’ll listen to some jazz tonight. I wondered about what I had lost and what I had given up today, how much of my life was because of me and how much wasn’t, I can’t really say. Trapped by my one track mind, suffocated by my obligations, my family, my friends. I hope I get rich after college so I may pursue something different, something… different. It seems like the longer I spend in this room the darker it gets. The Paradise Kiss music is stirring something up inside me and I just want to make art again, I want to take pictures, I want to draw, paint, create, make beauty again, be proud.
Emily is coming home this Friday, coming home… I bother her about being confused a lot, but really I’m quite confused myself. Is it okay to run on gut feelings? I wish I could live like she did, I really wish I could. When did I get used to looking beside me to find nothing? Did I get used to it at all? Maybe I just forgot what its like to have someone here.
I went to the roof yesterday to sulk after reading Em’s xanga, dad thought I was going to kill myself so he ran off to find me, I think he went to the twelfth floor so he couldn’t find me. The roof is such a nice play, so empty, so mine. I feel like it’s a whole other plane of existence and I have it all to myself, all to ourselves. Memories were made on that roof, now the smell of dust reminds me of Mike and Tommy, a cold back and warm arms remind me of when all the confusion began, when my life started. I remembered the lights, the wows, the fact that a view can impress made me laugh a little on the inside, we all want to be stimulated. Boy it was cold, but what a warm full heart I had that day. I sang some Billy Joel on the roof, thought it was appropriate, She’s Got a Way and I Love You Just the Way You Are of course. I wonder if Aarons heard my singing, I wonder if he’s laughed about it. My voice is changing little by little, I don’t think anyone but me notices though. A woman watched me while I was on the roof, walking around, singing in my long black coat, waiting for a call, missing a call I should have been waiting for. She watched me from the tenth floor, without saying anything or smiling, nothing to acknowledge the fact that I see her, just quietly watching me wallow in my misery. I know I’m quite fortunate, I’m well fed, I get to go to a good school for free, I have good friends, but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. I’m growing a little, I’m reluctant to say I hate my life now because I know I shouldn’t, I’m understanding responsibility a little more but I still have quite a ways to go. I stopped thinking about killing myself which is good, though I wonder what people would say, what people would do, how long they’d remember that I’m gone. I guess everyone does that right?
There’s much to do before Emily gets back, I have to mop the floor again and do a little reorganizing. I wonder how long a mail takes to get to Brown. I need to wake up early to get money from home tomorrow, and get the PS2 so we can play DDR in the menchel room, I know Em likes it there. That room reminds me of first semester, back when I used to hug the columns and cry because DDR reminds me so much of Em. The smell of that new flavor of Tide reminds me of my Brown visit and how very painful that was. A very dark time of my life has just passed, and things are finally dulling down now, again I’m left with a nothing feeling or a feeling of emptiness. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not supposed to like women, if a penis is what I need to fill the void in my life, sometimes I wonder if I’m just open minded or confused.
Emily is coming home this Friday, coming home… I bother her about being confused a lot, but really I’m quite confused myself. Is it okay to run on gut feelings? I wish I could live like she did, I really wish I could. When did I get used to looking beside me to find nothing? Did I get used to it at all? Maybe I just forgot what its like to have someone here.
I went to the roof yesterday to sulk after reading Em’s xanga, dad thought I was going to kill myself so he ran off to find me, I think he went to the twelfth floor so he couldn’t find me. The roof is such a nice play, so empty, so mine. I feel like it’s a whole other plane of existence and I have it all to myself, all to ourselves. Memories were made on that roof, now the smell of dust reminds me of Mike and Tommy, a cold back and warm arms remind me of when all the confusion began, when my life started. I remembered the lights, the wows, the fact that a view can impress made me laugh a little on the inside, we all want to be stimulated. Boy it was cold, but what a warm full heart I had that day. I sang some Billy Joel on the roof, thought it was appropriate, She’s Got a Way and I Love You Just the Way You Are of course. I wonder if Aarons heard my singing, I wonder if he’s laughed about it. My voice is changing little by little, I don’t think anyone but me notices though. A woman watched me while I was on the roof, walking around, singing in my long black coat, waiting for a call, missing a call I should have been waiting for. She watched me from the tenth floor, without saying anything or smiling, nothing to acknowledge the fact that I see her, just quietly watching me wallow in my misery. I know I’m quite fortunate, I’m well fed, I get to go to a good school for free, I have good friends, but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. I’m growing a little, I’m reluctant to say I hate my life now because I know I shouldn’t, I’m understanding responsibility a little more but I still have quite a ways to go. I stopped thinking about killing myself which is good, though I wonder what people would say, what people would do, how long they’d remember that I’m gone. I guess everyone does that right?
There’s much to do before Emily gets back, I have to mop the floor again and do a little reorganizing. I wonder how long a mail takes to get to Brown. I need to wake up early to get money from home tomorrow, and get the PS2 so we can play DDR in the menchel room, I know Em likes it there. That room reminds me of first semester, back when I used to hug the columns and cry because DDR reminds me so much of Em. The smell of that new flavor of Tide reminds me of my Brown visit and how very painful that was. A very dark time of my life has just passed, and things are finally dulling down now, again I’m left with a nothing feeling or a feeling of emptiness. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not supposed to like women, if a penis is what I need to fill the void in my life, sometimes I wonder if I’m just open minded or confused.