Odds n ends
Purpose of this is merely to record some things I've been wanting to get off of my mind or perhaps make sense of... Well, I mean, no shit, it's a journal, but nothing too depressing I'd hope. I did get out at 1600 today and fully exploited it. So I can't be sad, can I?
Anyway, not going to make Navy a career, by the way. Not my type of job; I couldn't see myself living through more of this. I'm more of a danger to myself and everyone else. If I could, I'd leave now more to protect everyone else since I've pretty much dissolved any motivation to perform adequately. I'm tired of getting yelled at for stuff yet provided no real feedback to perform better. Thanks for telling me I'm inadequate; I could have told you that Day 1. Tell me how to get better. That I can deal with.
Instead I sit at home and go into mind overdrive to figure out how to perform better without any experiential data required to perform better. It's like learning how to drive with someone will only tell you when you fucked up. Since I'm innately retarded, I develop a Pavlonian response that basically cripples any ability to make a decision since every one so far has been a wrong one. So you drive into a tree instead of speeding up when a deer crosses your path because no one ever told you that it might be a better alternative to smashing your face into a tree.
Bah, whatever. If I forgot half as many experiences as I remember now, I'd probably be a much happier. Much more able to bounce back from failure, I guess.
Anyway, that whole rant is a whole bag of issues. It's like a father whose approval you'll never get, which is why I frankly don't give a damn anymore, and that's scary considering I may get permission to drive a rather expensive vehicle at some point in the future.
My thoughts on how I can depart from people so easily has occupied some brain space recently. Most of this was brought on by my sister in her moving to Hotlanta and her ensuing fear. Why can I just pick up my bags and leave, without even a thought of how lonely I'm going to be?
There are a couple of explanations I can think of off the top of my head. One, I'm used to it due to the number of females that I cared about simply disappearing from my life. Two, I know that I'll eventually be back, so there's no permanence to any situation. Three, I've always felt alone, and I never planted myself to one place .(honestly a dark and terrible situation now that I think of it...)
Possibility the first! Little sad, but true. A lot of the women that I've dated in the past have sort of just left my life, with not really much of a goodbye. This could be due to external circumstances, or perhaps the lady wasn't interested any more, but failed to tell me. As suggested from above, I really really like it when I have a legitimate explanation for how I fucked up. When a girl just leaves and I don't know the reason why, I quite literally spend hours trying to figure out why, eventually settling on the fact that she doesn't want to be around me anymore. It's usually pretty crushing since I thought that everything was fine, and this abrupt change in behavior is kinda hard to process. So, perhaps through a number of these encounters, I've developed the pattern that those I care deeply about will leave me. Obvious solution? Don't get close to people, or don't care if people go away. Either way, you remove a sense of permanence from the people around you. Everything is ephemeral, and eventually, everything in your life becomes a 'what next?' moment. I see myself looking past weekends to despair at the following Monday, despite having a quite enjoyable weekend to look forward to. It's an awful way to live, actually, since you eventually look to death as the end of all this nonsense, without viewing the positives in between. Not by any sense does hastening this inevitable conclusion become desirable, but it doesn't make it an enemy either, so therefore, it's dangerous to survival.
Possibility the second! I'll always be back. It's pretty much held true so far. With airplanes, traveling is much quicker, so one week spent driving across the country can be reduced to six hours. Vacation time, therefore, is much more efficient, and I can see my family in Baltimore even though I live in Seattle. It'll all eventually be fine, then, right? Yes, my personality has allowed me to withstand a painful scenario as long as the end is in sight. Prototype was painful because I never knew when the end would come. OCS just sucked, but at least it had a definable end. This Navy stuff; I don't know when I'm going to qualify, nor do I know when I'm going to leave the boat. I don't know when the suck is going to end. Still, I get to see people with some sort of regularity. It's not like I disappeared into the Congo for a couple of years... Perhaps others are simply terrified of the unknown, and they focus more on the obstacle than the life beyond the obstacle. Hah, maybe that's why I suck at my job...
Possibility the third! I've never rooted myself anywhere. In my case, that may be due to the number of bad memories I have of most places. Oddly enough, I actually like Seattle, but I'm having the worst time of all of the locations I've been to. I think it's the trees, the laid back attitude, the decent driving... the overall lack of frustration with the general area is why I like this place so much. West coast is a nice place for me! Perhaps I've emotionally shit all over the East Coast, and simply being in places I've been before triggers all sorts of bad feelings, making me feel very uncomfortable. Which, as I said before, is all dark and terrible since it pretty much says Fuck You to everyone I've shared my time with over there. Did anyone make it worth it? I certainly hope so, since I usually tough the journey back to the East Coast for occasional holidays.
So I could just be emotionally deficient right now. One thing's for certain, I need a support network, or at least I need to open up to somebody on a couch somewhere face to face and have them listen. If I have questions, I'll ask them, but I don't necessarily want answers. I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy. That can help me weather my job under most conditions. I think.
Anyway, not going to make Navy a career, by the way. Not my type of job; I couldn't see myself living through more of this. I'm more of a danger to myself and everyone else. If I could, I'd leave now more to protect everyone else since I've pretty much dissolved any motivation to perform adequately. I'm tired of getting yelled at for stuff yet provided no real feedback to perform better. Thanks for telling me I'm inadequate; I could have told you that Day 1. Tell me how to get better. That I can deal with.
Instead I sit at home and go into mind overdrive to figure out how to perform better without any experiential data required to perform better. It's like learning how to drive with someone will only tell you when you fucked up. Since I'm innately retarded, I develop a Pavlonian response that basically cripples any ability to make a decision since every one so far has been a wrong one. So you drive into a tree instead of speeding up when a deer crosses your path because no one ever told you that it might be a better alternative to smashing your face into a tree.
Bah, whatever. If I forgot half as many experiences as I remember now, I'd probably be a much happier. Much more able to bounce back from failure, I guess.
Anyway, that whole rant is a whole bag of issues. It's like a father whose approval you'll never get, which is why I frankly don't give a damn anymore, and that's scary considering I may get permission to drive a rather expensive vehicle at some point in the future.
My thoughts on how I can depart from people so easily has occupied some brain space recently. Most of this was brought on by my sister in her moving to Hotlanta and her ensuing fear. Why can I just pick up my bags and leave, without even a thought of how lonely I'm going to be?
There are a couple of explanations I can think of off the top of my head. One, I'm used to it due to the number of females that I cared about simply disappearing from my life. Two, I know that I'll eventually be back, so there's no permanence to any situation. Three, I've always felt alone, and I never planted myself to one place .(honestly a dark and terrible situation now that I think of it...)
Possibility the first! Little sad, but true. A lot of the women that I've dated in the past have sort of just left my life, with not really much of a goodbye. This could be due to external circumstances, or perhaps the lady wasn't interested any more, but failed to tell me. As suggested from above, I really really like it when I have a legitimate explanation for how I fucked up. When a girl just leaves and I don't know the reason why, I quite literally spend hours trying to figure out why, eventually settling on the fact that she doesn't want to be around me anymore. It's usually pretty crushing since I thought that everything was fine, and this abrupt change in behavior is kinda hard to process. So, perhaps through a number of these encounters, I've developed the pattern that those I care deeply about will leave me. Obvious solution? Don't get close to people, or don't care if people go away. Either way, you remove a sense of permanence from the people around you. Everything is ephemeral, and eventually, everything in your life becomes a 'what next?' moment. I see myself looking past weekends to despair at the following Monday, despite having a quite enjoyable weekend to look forward to. It's an awful way to live, actually, since you eventually look to death as the end of all this nonsense, without viewing the positives in between. Not by any sense does hastening this inevitable conclusion become desirable, but it doesn't make it an enemy either, so therefore, it's dangerous to survival.
Possibility the second! I'll always be back. It's pretty much held true so far. With airplanes, traveling is much quicker, so one week spent driving across the country can be reduced to six hours. Vacation time, therefore, is much more efficient, and I can see my family in Baltimore even though I live in Seattle. It'll all eventually be fine, then, right? Yes, my personality has allowed me to withstand a painful scenario as long as the end is in sight. Prototype was painful because I never knew when the end would come. OCS just sucked, but at least it had a definable end. This Navy stuff; I don't know when I'm going to qualify, nor do I know when I'm going to leave the boat. I don't know when the suck is going to end. Still, I get to see people with some sort of regularity. It's not like I disappeared into the Congo for a couple of years... Perhaps others are simply terrified of the unknown, and they focus more on the obstacle than the life beyond the obstacle. Hah, maybe that's why I suck at my job...
Possibility the third! I've never rooted myself anywhere. In my case, that may be due to the number of bad memories I have of most places. Oddly enough, I actually like Seattle, but I'm having the worst time of all of the locations I've been to. I think it's the trees, the laid back attitude, the decent driving... the overall lack of frustration with the general area is why I like this place so much. West coast is a nice place for me! Perhaps I've emotionally shit all over the East Coast, and simply being in places I've been before triggers all sorts of bad feelings, making me feel very uncomfortable. Which, as I said before, is all dark and terrible since it pretty much says Fuck You to everyone I've shared my time with over there. Did anyone make it worth it? I certainly hope so, since I usually tough the journey back to the East Coast for occasional holidays.
So I could just be emotionally deficient right now. One thing's for certain, I need a support network, or at least I need to open up to somebody on a couch somewhere face to face and have them listen. If I have questions, I'll ask them, but I don't necessarily want answers. I just want to make sure I'm not going crazy. That can help me weather my job under most conditions. I think.