An interesting dream
Long time writing, eh? Hell, I've been under the sea and back since I last wrote. I've grown. I'm not sure how, but I feel different. As if I'm able to analyze things quicker, or I'm actually attacking problems that scare me.
I used to hate demonstrating my knowledge via operational tests. Written tests are my thing; I perform much better on those evolutions, as much of my educational history would suggest. Being able to look at a problem real time and develop a solution has always been much more difficult for me, and I have no idea why. On paper, everything's a-ok, and that probably has to do with the simplicity of the problem. Evolve the problem into something actionable, then all of these variable coalesce out of nowhere into something that once was solvable, but is now nearly impossible with all the variations that could happen.
And that cripples my brain. I overthink everything, but I'm getting better. I'm learning how to make a decision given multiple, equally pleasing alternatives. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to apply this to meeting women, but I honestly don't think that that's my problem these days. I have no qualms about approaching people or talking to strangers; my lack of anything interesting to say often gets in the way more. (but hell, I like to listen; why should I be ostracized because I simply like to listen?) I just don't give a crap about what people think anymore, all thanks to my XO. I'm finally independent of other people?
One would think. I live alone in Seattle, and I work in the military. I don't meet many people outside of my organization, and those inside, I don't hang out with too much. I'm pretty much on my own for the first time since I can remember. And by "on my own" I mean myself being responsible for my own fun. Yeah, I've been financially on my own since I joined the Navy, but I've always had a roommate or someone I could always justify a night at home. Now, there's not a lot of time in my day, but on weekends, I make my own fun, and it's both unique and a little bit exciting. Finally, I can go do what I want when I want. I may carry this over for the rest of my life. Hey! I'm going somewhere now. If you're game, sweet, otherwise, I'll be there for the rest of the day. There is some pretty cool stuff going on in Baltimore when I head back, so I think I'll do that.
Anywho, that whole talk of "one would think"... I'm receiving some data that I may not be as self-sufficient as I had once hoped. It could just be a depressive phase, or maybe I haven't gone to Seattle recently and actually done something, or hell, maybe I just need to go on a gorram date again, but I'm finding that without regular infusions of people who genuinely make me laugh, I am beginning to decay inside. There is nothing new about this analysis; in fact, this fits right along with the patterns of "Month 6" of being away from home or established in a new place. I'm not sure if I've ever been away from home for greater than 6 months, but there's always been a look towards home at the end of six months. The last two six month grunt works were Nuke school and Prototype, and boy, did I want to go home after those evolutions!
So maybe I'm burning out. I need to recharge my batteries...
I had a comforting dream last night. I was with a woman, and I'm not sure what the scenario was. Some spacey rescue mission or something, I'm not sure. But at one point, we were sitting in a bus, and I was holding her, and she put her head in my shoulder, and the calm that followed was... unsettling. I'm not used to that. I woke up feeling pretty great, and I thought about that dream all day, probably trying to recreate the emotional response.
Anyway, three more days until leave. Whew. Cannot wait.
I used to hate demonstrating my knowledge via operational tests. Written tests are my thing; I perform much better on those evolutions, as much of my educational history would suggest. Being able to look at a problem real time and develop a solution has always been much more difficult for me, and I have no idea why. On paper, everything's a-ok, and that probably has to do with the simplicity of the problem. Evolve the problem into something actionable, then all of these variable coalesce out of nowhere into something that once was solvable, but is now nearly impossible with all the variations that could happen.
And that cripples my brain. I overthink everything, but I'm getting better. I'm learning how to make a decision given multiple, equally pleasing alternatives. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to apply this to meeting women, but I honestly don't think that that's my problem these days. I have no qualms about approaching people or talking to strangers; my lack of anything interesting to say often gets in the way more. (but hell, I like to listen; why should I be ostracized because I simply like to listen?) I just don't give a crap about what people think anymore, all thanks to my XO. I'm finally independent of other people?
One would think. I live alone in Seattle, and I work in the military. I don't meet many people outside of my organization, and those inside, I don't hang out with too much. I'm pretty much on my own for the first time since I can remember. And by "on my own" I mean myself being responsible for my own fun. Yeah, I've been financially on my own since I joined the Navy, but I've always had a roommate or someone I could always justify a night at home. Now, there's not a lot of time in my day, but on weekends, I make my own fun, and it's both unique and a little bit exciting. Finally, I can go do what I want when I want. I may carry this over for the rest of my life. Hey! I'm going somewhere now. If you're game, sweet, otherwise, I'll be there for the rest of the day. There is some pretty cool stuff going on in Baltimore when I head back, so I think I'll do that.
Anywho, that whole talk of "one would think"... I'm receiving some data that I may not be as self-sufficient as I had once hoped. It could just be a depressive phase, or maybe I haven't gone to Seattle recently and actually done something, or hell, maybe I just need to go on a gorram date again, but I'm finding that without regular infusions of people who genuinely make me laugh, I am beginning to decay inside. There is nothing new about this analysis; in fact, this fits right along with the patterns of "Month 6" of being away from home or established in a new place. I'm not sure if I've ever been away from home for greater than 6 months, but there's always been a look towards home at the end of six months. The last two six month grunt works were Nuke school and Prototype, and boy, did I want to go home after those evolutions!
So maybe I'm burning out. I need to recharge my batteries...
I had a comforting dream last night. I was with a woman, and I'm not sure what the scenario was. Some spacey rescue mission or something, I'm not sure. But at one point, we were sitting in a bus, and I was holding her, and she put her head in my shoulder, and the calm that followed was... unsettling. I'm not used to that. I woke up feeling pretty great, and I thought about that dream all day, probably trying to recreate the emotional response.
Anyway, three more days until leave. Whew. Cannot wait.