Not comfortable not comfortable not comfortable
I've been mulling over this situation with Maria for awhile. I was able to forget it when I went up to New Jersey to attend Julie's wedding, which was quite ... interesting, to say the least. The wedding was Disney themed, and there was even a guy in a Mickey Mouse costume! The location was at the deceased father of the groom"s firehouse, and unfortunately, right before the wedding, there was a fire somewhere, and the siren went off and made everyone deaf in one ear. Still a good time, I suppose, but I was in my whites the entire time, which obviously puts a dampener on the fun I can have. I still managed not to die from boredom, which apparently was too hard to avoid for Robbie Gladmon, but that's not my problem.
I'll be honest, I laughed a great deal last weekend, and it wasn't any sort of charity laugh. I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with Heather and Mitch. The joking around and laughter were very good for my psyche, and I remembered what it was like to have a good time. Previous to last weekend, I've been trying to find laughs from various sources since my environment is clearly lacking in some crazy individuals.
As I was folding laundry today, I was allowing myself to think about leaving Maria. The logical connection there is that she hasn't been making me feel good lately; I frequently feel that I'm not good enough for her or that I'm wasting her time. I don't feel funny around her, and I have been giving those retarded charity laughs to her. All those lovey dovey things she says aren't getting through to me, and I'm starting to resent her for it. The comments are always the same! "I want to be with you forever," or, "I love you with all my heart." Just like "Whatchu talkin' bout, WIllis?" on Avenue Q, it gets old.
I realize that I don't have a conception of who I am when I'm around Maria. When I think about her and me, we're just two people, not one great couple who exemplarizes the love of the century. I'd like to envision two people who look out for each other, who love each other greatly, knowing that they must face the world together or risk extinction. I just don't feel that way right now.
Maria is probably still adjusting to her new life, but I'll be honest in saying that she's been different since going through Boot Camp. She seems uneasy, and at times angry, and I don't know how to defuse that, especially when I feel like she's angry at me. That's why it's so hard to believe what she says; there's a disconnect between her actions and words. For those who come to her defense with claims that her life is busy with class and training without much room for sleep, I guess I'll experience the same conditions with the start of class, but I've always been a better performer with more stress. Boredom always depresses me.
To put it simply, I'm angry, and I don't like our relationship right now. I should definitely try to clarify where I am in her eyes, because if I'm taking a backseat to the Navy, that's fine. I need to know so I can reciprocate. Now I just feel incredibly inadequate and unappreciated.