In the meantime, I met the love of my life...
Let me start this off with an "I'm happy."
I have met the love of my life, and she isn't being taken away from me (at least emotionally). Hopefully, if you're reading this, I won't have to explain anything because Maria should be a giant part of my life. She already is now, she should be moreso by the time you're reading this.
I think this entire situation is perfect because she blows my mind in every possible way. I do not exaggerate. She's beautiful; every time I picture her face in my mind, I feel like I'm looking at the embodiment of Venus. And yes, she still has clothes on, pervert. She makes me laugh; my love of life grows intense whenever I'm around her. Finally, she's an amazing sexual partner. She still gives me chills, even though she's one thousand miles away.
This wouldn't be a true Mattybo entry without some sort of 'but', however. No, it's not a 'but I don't really love her' kind of deal. Nothing from the movies, so if you're expecting drama, you can just stop reading; don't waste your time. There's some little niggling piece of contrary emotion in the back of my mind. I don't know if it's regret, paranoia, or fear. I'm here to figure it out, though, and usually this introspection helps.
This piece of emotion feels like some sort of call for bachelorhood, so you can see why I'm taking this very seriously. I've already made my decision; I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl. I know what it's like to lose someone like her, and I'm not going to let that happen. Unfortunately, similar to the plot of many terrible movies, there's a small part of me that wants to leave. I'm here to confront that, and figure out why the hell my mind is having second thoughts about the perfect girl for me.
I'm starting with an easy starting point. I've had this minor objection to Maria and I saying, "I love you," much too soon. Although that's technically my fault, since I let it slip when I was drunk off some white wine while watching Chocolat. At some point afterward, she said it, but I couldn't because I was sincerely worried that this relationship was going to follow the same path that her previous relationships had taken. She expressed the fear that I was going to get tired of her. That killed me. How are you supposed to react to that? What kinda of bigotry and insanity must you possess to think that you would fare any different? Furthermore, it's not like you can test that sort of thing at the start. You have to devote months before you figure out that hey! maybe you're not happy in this relationship!
Believe me, those statements are the equivalent to blue balling. When Maria said that, my thinking (and also happiness) stopped dead in its tracks. All those hopes and dreams that I was having about this wonderful person were gone. One could say that I'm a hopeless romantic, but hopes and dreams, as I'm sure anyone well-versed in Matt-thought dynamics knows, are the fuel to my fire. Those who are down to earth tend to extinguish most of those hopes and dreams, and I die a little inside. Not like it's a big deal though; I die a little inside when I see another officer without a chief's tuck. Bag. of. Ass. I don't really want to look at my relationships with reality because, in truth, my relationships have ... been ... unfair? Out of my control? The relationships I generally want to keep have been torn away from me. I guess the proof only contains Kelli, but my mind for some reason thinks there are more examples. Well, too bad, there aren't any more.
In any case, I don't want anything to ruin this, and if I somehow believe that this relationship is going to end in something other than (natural) death (morbid, I know!), I don't want to waste my time. Oh yes, I can grow; I can become a better person; I can even get better at sex. It's not worth my time or frustration though. I perhaps should be "out there," meeting some friends in Goose Creek. Sitting at home with nothing to do generally turns my person into one of self-destruction. I'd like to think that the current boredom is causing these doubting feelings, but I know that my frustrations have existed before the boredom.
Well, that night, on March 28th, I probably lied. I didn't have my whole heart in that profession of love. I said it because I wanted to make her happy. She was crying because I didn't say it back for God's sake! It would have ruined the entire night had I been wishy washy. The only reason I don't consider myself a complete scumbag was because I could find nothing wrong with Maria, and her resemblance to Kelli was astounding. In short, I postulated success. That night, about two weeks after our first kiss, I had 100% certainty that I was going to love this girl.
Sadly, for some reason, my mind still thinks I was pressured into saying something I didn't mean. It's probably been killing me inside ever since. Since I'm a further romantic (and scumbag), I've been lying about other things too. I guess I want to make our story seem so pure and right when it's definitely not. I've been saying that ever since I laid eyes upon Maria back in July 2009, I've been interested in her, confirming my attraction in November of 2009. Looking back at my journal entries, however, the last time I saw Sofa was around November 10th. I was still sleeping with her by the time November rolled around. Judging by the feeling of the entry, I was probably fed up with the relationship by then, but still, I was still physically involved with another girl. I don't know the weekend I went out to West Virginia to see Maria, but hopefully it was after my weekend in Boston.
I have been lying. I didn't love or want Maria as a girlfriend back in July. Hell, I still thought I was related to her back then. I also thought she was a lot younger than I (like around 18), and that she wasn't really attracted to me at all. Her Helen Keller jokes were, of course, very funny, but I thought she was off limits. I dunno, my grandad had just been buried. Chances are, I was in emotional limbo. However, my lasting piece of hope is that I quite clearly remember was what kind of underwear she was wearing. Keep in mind that I only remember that she had on multicolored polka dotted ones on after she told the Helen Keller jokes. Given the fact that rarely try to look at a girl's underwear (I think), I have confidence that I thought she was worth something.
What happened in November was that I was emotionally done with Sofa; my memories seem to indicate that I was bored, and one entry revealed that I voluntarily ceased having sex because I was having a bad time. I probably didn't end the relationship with Sofa because I was going into the Navy. I was most likely looking for a way out. Since it was voluntary, that usually means that I was ready to move on by the time I met Maria again. I genuinely had a great time with her that weekend. I was looking for every excuse to see her. I secretly wanted to wake up as early as possible just so I could spend more time with Maria. I also intentionally stayed up as long as possible to hang out with Maria. I didn't care that Aunt Peg and my mom were around, I was finding out more and more that I was falling for this girl, and falling hard.
I might be tricking myself, but maybe I did love her that night of the 28th. Maybe the only reason I continue to feel hesitant is because that statement about her past relationships still bug the hell outta me, in which case I need to fix that shit, and fast.
This sadness that I feel is probably natural. Maria is 1000 miles away, and I can't see her anytime soon. In fact, I don't know when I'll be able to see her again. I suppose one cannot be happy all the time in that kind of relationship. What I'm feeling is probably very normal. Which means I love her like crazy.
I also believe that we say 'I love you' and other related phrases a little bit too much. I don't have it quite worked out yet, but I don't really want to say those sort of things right now because they're not helping me. I still feel lonely and sad when Maria's not around. We should probably talk about those things. I don't feel close to her right now either...
What the hell. I should probably grow a damned plant. I'm going to bed, though, so TOUGHSKIE SHITSKIE.