"there is so much knowlege hidden in what we already know"
I think there are some thoughts its best to share. I woke up tonight and it was strange Iooked at the room around me and I was filled with disbeleif, this has happened before but not in the same way. I couldn't help look at the problems I had created through the week unable to solve I had decided. Disbelief first that I was alive and then detachment from that realities that I was born into this moment with. If I was writting the book of my life it would be easy to erase the problems and create the joy of ease. Its the honest unfiltered understanding of life that gives a man his freedom. Look through the eyes of the writer not the eyes of the character, its the writer that can save the story if you so decide it needs saving at all. Its the ability of the writer and the character to live side by side in our own minds the writer doesn't bother to warn the character the writer is there waiting waiting to be used as the power that it is. It is our power, the power of our soul. I never before understood the difference I could only try to describe it with the emotion it filled me with. With disbelief at the power of every moment and action. Disbeleif in the human mind it worries and troubles. Then these emotions brought me to ....nothing the inability to contemplate existance this locked door at the end of the hallway in my mind you feel dead and alive at the same time at the foot of this place. I would love to go there it was my very favorite emotion everything and nothing at once. Its the place that keeps us separate it keeps us human, the closest our understanding of the energy that runs through us all. Then thats it the emotion is gone, almost as fast as it came.
I guess I want to talk about the night of Jessicas log cabin party. It broke certain walls in my mind where my sense of self, paranoia, soul, information library were spilled into one. My predominant emotion in life is fear, very strange thing to come to. Life is not ment to be filled with fear. My mind was racing I was my writer and my character at once I was my fear and my knowlege my emotion and I was at the door of my mind I was there and there was no door. The door is my own understanding of things this self with its filters and blinders cannot contemplate the possibility of this existance. this human thought process wants to know in a way it will understand...How? How is this why? Over a year ago my friend Theresa and I were talking it was one of her last nights in New York and I was trying to explain to her this emotion this answer I longed for and how it made me feel not to know and how I loved to feel that way. She looked at me with a bit of disbeleif and said,"don't you know, don't you feel, ..it always has been, it always will be"............ I think I hated her at that moment because sitting with her that night those words hit somthing, my door was dust. Those words tapped into me it was that simple all of me understood but my human self was trying to push the pile of dust into the shape of a door in vain. She took away my favorite human place her soul speaking directly to mine, the energy that runs through us all.
To go back to the night at the log cabin again, I want to explain to myself and anyone how it felt to have my mind spill together. I must have sounded like a lunatic I said things like "I experienced creation" when I was talking to Pat he told me he always forgot his profound ideas once it was over, I told him "NO!" thinking everyone had, had the experience that my own mind was taking .......thinking, of course its all a game we cannot know all thats going through my head or the world wouldn't work. So I was trying to tell him things that mattered to me at the moment so I saw To Kill a Mocking Bird on the table my mind realing. Oh my god I said out loud "its in the books"..."because we put it there to remind us" I said that quite a few times I sit here right now and it does mean alot its sick its all there in the books. The endless number human lives all our stories are being told again and again in our stories about ourselves. The peices of reality have been written over and over again. Our complicated lives our misunderstandings our inability to comprehend ourselves and our lack of control we have read the stories the souls who have lived and created solutions or died holding onto their insanity. We have all the answers the books we put there to remind us. I was also watching my every step that night because I felt sensitive to the changes in reality............. (because one molecule can exisit in all places at the same time)......... every step was a change and I felt it I was walking through realities, Every reality has a different end and I felt like I was seeing them all. When I said I experienced creation I ment it, I saw it life is itself in every moment a mediphore for creation and I saw it. I was it because I was close to the energy that is everything, as close as I ever got because it spilled in, I didn't need to understand it because it was emotion and image and its there all the time in our lives......in the books.....in our stories! We see creation in outerspace, we look at it in mirror to our own existence. So I too saw it in my own experience I was aware of myself I was one though and it wasn't enough so I looked over there was Jessica she is part of me we are the same then there was an endless horizon it needed to be there. everything was moving outward and then everything at once was all there was it was extremely visual and beautiful, powerful. I am not going ot type here what I saw but the obvious nature of our knowledge is baffling. We are part of this creation and we tap into it for cyclical knowlege over and over again we want to forget we are each other, we are all the creator. We are the writer we have never been disempowered because we cling to the character and disown the obvious truth we can only create because that is the only thing we were ever ment to do. Notice we create everyday not one person is not creating not one molicule of energy in existance in not creating its there and its always been there to see.
So I do lay in disbelief once again tonight at knowledge found then lost. Then lost and found again. At the power we each have that we try to desprately remind ourselves not to forget......... what we are what we always will be.
I guess I want to talk about the night of Jessicas log cabin party. It broke certain walls in my mind where my sense of self, paranoia, soul, information library were spilled into one. My predominant emotion in life is fear, very strange thing to come to. Life is not ment to be filled with fear. My mind was racing I was my writer and my character at once I was my fear and my knowlege my emotion and I was at the door of my mind I was there and there was no door. The door is my own understanding of things this self with its filters and blinders cannot contemplate the possibility of this existance. this human thought process wants to know in a way it will understand...How? How is this why? Over a year ago my friend Theresa and I were talking it was one of her last nights in New York and I was trying to explain to her this emotion this answer I longed for and how it made me feel not to know and how I loved to feel that way. She looked at me with a bit of disbeleif and said,"don't you know, don't you feel, ..it always has been, it always will be"............ I think I hated her at that moment because sitting with her that night those words hit somthing, my door was dust. Those words tapped into me it was that simple all of me understood but my human self was trying to push the pile of dust into the shape of a door in vain. She took away my favorite human place her soul speaking directly to mine, the energy that runs through us all.
To go back to the night at the log cabin again, I want to explain to myself and anyone how it felt to have my mind spill together. I must have sounded like a lunatic I said things like "I experienced creation" when I was talking to Pat he told me he always forgot his profound ideas once it was over, I told him "NO!" thinking everyone had, had the experience that my own mind was taking .......thinking, of course its all a game we cannot know all thats going through my head or the world wouldn't work. So I was trying to tell him things that mattered to me at the moment so I saw To Kill a Mocking Bird on the table my mind realing. Oh my god I said out loud "its in the books"..."because we put it there to remind us" I said that quite a few times I sit here right now and it does mean alot its sick its all there in the books. The endless number human lives all our stories are being told again and again in our stories about ourselves. The peices of reality have been written over and over again. Our complicated lives our misunderstandings our inability to comprehend ourselves and our lack of control we have read the stories the souls who have lived and created solutions or died holding onto their insanity. We have all the answers the books we put there to remind us. I was also watching my every step that night because I felt sensitive to the changes in reality............. (because one molecule can exisit in all places at the same time)......... every step was a change and I felt it I was walking through realities, Every reality has a different end and I felt like I was seeing them all. When I said I experienced creation I ment it, I saw it life is itself in every moment a mediphore for creation and I saw it. I was it because I was close to the energy that is everything, as close as I ever got because it spilled in, I didn't need to understand it because it was emotion and image and its there all the time in our lives......in the books.....in our stories! We see creation in outerspace, we look at it in mirror to our own existence. So I too saw it in my own experience I was aware of myself I was one though and it wasn't enough so I looked over there was Jessica she is part of me we are the same then there was an endless horizon it needed to be there. everything was moving outward and then everything at once was all there was it was extremely visual and beautiful, powerful. I am not going ot type here what I saw but the obvious nature of our knowledge is baffling. We are part of this creation and we tap into it for cyclical knowlege over and over again we want to forget we are each other, we are all the creator. We are the writer we have never been disempowered because we cling to the character and disown the obvious truth we can only create because that is the only thing we were ever ment to do. Notice we create everyday not one person is not creating not one molicule of energy in existance in not creating its there and its always been there to see.
So I do lay in disbelief once again tonight at knowledge found then lost. Then lost and found again. At the power we each have that we try to desprately remind ourselves not to forget......... what we are what we always will be.