Can't turn off PBS
So let me start off by saying I am a horrible friend its not somthing that I want to scream to the mountaintops so I write it here. Its funny when you write and you know where its coming from. I don't feel like I have been being myself lately, whatever that means. I guess myself will always be the boy who wants to escape with his best friend and leave the world behind. Its funny when you realize that who you are doesn't even fit into your own life. Like caging an animal, but doing it so slow that the animal won't even bother to put up a fight, doing it so slow the poor beast starts helping put the bars in place. Its funny I am not sad about this thats is what worries me I am not even sad about it anymore. It.....wether it works or not was set into place by me and I don't know, but what I do know is the last three years has been an experiment in being afraid of choices, of myself, of life, thinking things out so long that what your thinking about slides away. Ideas slide away because you kill them when you give fear instead of life. I am not sad about this, or am I. I like radical changes but who am I kidding radical changes followed by past responses create nothing but more nothing. I need a friend but I have driven them all away. Its funny when I say that I mean I want someone whose life I can merge with and create somthing beautiful. That to me is what friendship is but somewhere along that way I decided that friends do not fit into my life anymore. When in reality all it was, ....was me trying to blame my friends for taking my time from me. As if it was them ruining my life because I couldn't commit to myself if someone needed me to commit to them. It was easier to blame them than myself or anyone else, now I have many broken relashionships time and experiences that I cannot get back. I won't live my life through other people anymore, its just rediculously important to share your life with many lives, Love is important there are too many different kinds of love to ever decide that on has more precidence than another. I should not omit loves in my life. I could give more to this set of ideas but I have been waiting for this disscussion of architechture on charlie rose on PBS I have been watching PBS all night I wanted to see some friends, maybe read a book, start some art, but I have been learning so much I can't turn my television off. I mean in three or four hours I have learned so much about things i wanted to get a better understanding of. Well thank you for listening.....matthew