Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.
Isn't it ironic, the way that during the hardest times in our lives, that's when we tend to pull the furthest away from our friends? I seem to think so. But at the same time, it's when those friends reach out to you and don't let you pull away too far that you're reminded what friendship is all about. So thank you, you know who you are (I hope). ♥
Anyway. You know those times when I've started a post here with the words "I suck"? I guess what I meant by that is that I am not the person I used to be, I'm no longer able to do all the things that I feel I should have been able to do and I bitterly feel that I'm surely letting people down because of this.
But the thing is, the more I'm getting accustomed to my FMS, the more I realize that while all of the above is true, it's not my fault and also, it's not going to change just because I wish it would. So I'm going to start changing my expectations of myself and accordingly, I'm also going to try letting people know what they can and can't realistically expect from me. As much for my sake as for theirs.
For example, did you know how important it used to be to me to do something for the birthday of every one of you guys? I used to put a lot into it. I haven't been able to do that for a VERY long while now, but I kept telling myself that I'm gonna go back to that at some point. Or, I used to want to be able to be in touch with you everyday, the way I had been when I just started posting here. Now I realize that most days, I'm just not gonna be up to it, no matter what I want. I'm going to start forgiving myself more when it comes to these things, when it comes to not being able to carry out a plan or an intention.
On the other hand, I'm not going anywhere either and I'm not giving up on any one of you. There are people here that I consider friends in the truest of senses and I'm just not gonna give up on you guys. I hope you don't give up on me either. ♥
This is why I'm pretty much hopeful that very soon I will get to re-vamp my LJ user profile (and my 'friends only' post) accordingly.
And now, under a separate cut, the shortest version possible of what I've been through since I last posted here. Including thoughts about such inconsequential things as AMERICAN IDOL. Because inconsequential things make the world sparklier.
*
First thing's first, the FMS medications. I've had to change them again and while it took me quite a while (and I still suffer from the side effects here and there), the current med is much better suited for me in that it's actually bearable. On the other hand, it's also damn expensive and no one's funding it, not even partially, which makes me wonder what social security is good for anyway.
*
I was planning on a Passover treat for myself, the treat being a trip, but mostly the chance to see some good friends, except them my Grandmother's condition started surprisingly and rapidly deteriorating and just as unexpectedly as that, she was gone.
We had the Shivaa (a week of mourning) at my house, because my Mom didn't wanna be alone during that time period. She took it harder than I would have expected (and no, I didn't expect it to be a walk in the park). Me and my sister ended up supporting her as much as we possibly could throughout the first month and a bit more than that. Things have started getting better for her, though, ever since she's decided she's gonna move out of the house they lived in together. That was about... a week and a half or two weeks ago, something like that.
*
Meanwhile, the university staff let me know they're gonna apply more criteria for whether or not I can resume my studies than they originally told me they would when I took a year off because of the FMS. So now I'm a bit pressed on that front, as I've been told I need a guide for my thesis and my thesis subject officially approved before the end of the year. Which is a month from now.
*
Another thing is the hydrotherapy I was promised. Apparently, the people who have to approve my doctor's rec (for me to get HT) don't wanna give me more than 8 sessions, even though they're well aware that I would need at least 50. Long (and boring) story short, I'm still in bureaucratic hell purgatory with this one, but hopefully I'll get a positive answer soon from the rehabilitation doctor, so I'm not despairing yet. Meanwhile, I've had the first 8 sessions, managed to get 4 more until I get everything sorted out and it's doing me a world of good.
*
The kids are wonderful and every day with them is a blessing (even the doctor said he can't just rec that I quit my job with them, despite its toll on my body, because it obviously does my spirit good). And you know what? The Kiddies Letters project was a great success. All the kids are doing much better (save for one. Yeah, you can imagine that I'm very worried about him, but I think he's at the point where his parents' help is required most of all and that's... all sorts of problematic). Point being, even if it takes me a thousand years, I WILL post more about this for those of you who've helped. Thank you so much!
* American Idol:
Of course I'm sooooooo obvious and therefore, I've been cheering for Adam Lambert from day 1 0. Of course. I know his musical style isn't everyone's thing, but it is TOTALLY mine. Okay, I consider myself to be quite versatile in what I like to listen to and given a truly good song/performer, I can dig a musical piece from any given genre. That being said, songs/performers from the glam rock era wouldn't have to work too hard (at all!) to win me over. I mean, Velvet Goldmine is one of the most brilliant movies ever in my opinion, so that says it all, I think.
So yeah, I love Adam and I also liked Allison and Kris pretty early on. You'd think I'd be happy about the Kris/Adam finale and usually, I would be. 2 of my 3 fave performers are making it to the end, so no matter who wins, I should be happy. Except I wouldn't be. For one thing, because I honestly believe Adam deserves this more than anyone else in the competition. He just has the right combination of natural talent, highly complex techniques and obvious hard work that went into mastering them, versatility, music arrangements sensibility, stage presence, charisma and personal likability as well as, you know, every time he steps out on the stage without compromising an image that isn't too easy for the audience to swallow because it's his image, I feel like his performances mean that much more. Plus, I feel like he connectes with the emotions of the songs he's performed so much more than he's been given credit for. Take for example his rendition of Black and White. He delivered the raw essence of that song in a way that Michael Jackson never has, the anger over injustice, the rage and refusal to accept it, the hurt that lies underneath it... I loved it so completely. Or Ring of Fire! I love the Johnny Cash version, still and always, but RoF is a song about passion and Cash? He sang it in the manner of someone who talks about passion without actually feeling it at that moment, more like a memory of passion and conclusions about that feeling based on the memory. Adam brought out the passion, the sensuality of the song and performed it like it's all still in present tense.
The bigger problem, though, is that should Adam lose, I wouldn't be able to bear the possibility that he lost because of people who think like this:
Homophobia FTMFL. *cringes*
And for this purpose it didn't matter if Adam was the straightest man on Earth and was just pulling a Bowie by playing with looks and gender. People still wrongly translate gender issues into sexual orientation terms, so that slightly feminine boy who gets yelled at in school for being a "sissy"? He suffers the consequences of homophobia even if he's as straight as truth itself.
* The 2009 Eurovision:
I had a lot more to say about this year's contest, but I'll settle for this:
1. The whole thing really is a whole lot less fun when your country sends a song that stands no chance of winning.
2. And Achinoam Nini is a BRILLIANT singer, so that song didn't do her justice at all.
3. Still, with several muslim countries in the competition, Israel's entry was the only one to be sang even partly in Arabic, so that's cool.
4. Moldova can claim to be as culturally independent from Romania as it wants to (even though they sing in Romanian, perform in traditional Romanian outfits and dance what's supposed to be a traditional Romanian dance), but that doesn't mean they can go around stealing the Jewish Hora (OBVIOUS chassidic musical elements and dancing) and presenting it as their own (when no one would be able to tell if they would just do what they usually would, which is steal the Romanian Hora. Same name, different song and dance altogether).
5. Russia did a really good job with the location and the sets, but the country intro's were lame (and for a secular country, they featured a surprisingly high number of churches in them, especially considering the fact that most aren't a symbol of their respective countries) and the presenters were also lame (though that's not news in the Eurovision). Still, I overall enjoyed it.
6. SERIOUSLY? Russia has been wanting to win the Eurovision Popular Song Contest for YEARS and the minute they do, some vague threats are made that the gays better not show up? Do these people (the ones who made the threats) know NOTHING about the Eurovision? It's the gays that make it go round! DUH!
* Merlin:
I miss the boys. How do I know this? Because I had a dream that involved Colin, Bradley and a very small, intimate boat. And boy!touching, obviously. My dreams, I wish I could film the porn from them and share it with y'all.
Which reminds me. You don't know this, but I owe you a Merlin fic that I've written right before my Grandma passed away.
*
Also, I think that right now, it's easier for me to talk about music or TV or whatnot than about what I'm going through. But I know that things will be alright eventually and then I'll be able to breathe in deeper and more freely, and I'll be able to really share, if you guys will be inclined to listen. No matter what, though, I'm sending you TONS of love.
***
[ETA:] Where did my background and header disappear to? *checks* Uh oh, does this mean that My fic site and Shapefive.com are down for the count or is this a temporary issue? *clings to fics for dear life*
Anyway. You know those times when I've started a post here with the words "I suck"? I guess what I meant by that is that I am not the person I used to be, I'm no longer able to do all the things that I feel I should have been able to do and I bitterly feel that I'm surely letting people down because of this.
But the thing is, the more I'm getting accustomed to my FMS, the more I realize that while all of the above is true, it's not my fault and also, it's not going to change just because I wish it would. So I'm going to start changing my expectations of myself and accordingly, I'm also going to try letting people know what they can and can't realistically expect from me. As much for my sake as for theirs.
For example, did you know how important it used to be to me to do something for the birthday of every one of you guys? I used to put a lot into it. I haven't been able to do that for a VERY long while now, but I kept telling myself that I'm gonna go back to that at some point. Or, I used to want to be able to be in touch with you everyday, the way I had been when I just started posting here. Now I realize that most days, I'm just not gonna be up to it, no matter what I want. I'm going to start forgiving myself more when it comes to these things, when it comes to not being able to carry out a plan or an intention.
On the other hand, I'm not going anywhere either and I'm not giving up on any one of you. There are people here that I consider friends in the truest of senses and I'm just not gonna give up on you guys. I hope you don't give up on me either. ♥
This is why I'm pretty much hopeful that very soon I will get to re-vamp my LJ user profile (and my 'friends only' post) accordingly.
And now, under a separate cut, the shortest version possible of what I've been through since I last posted here. Including thoughts about such inconsequential things as AMERICAN IDOL. Because inconsequential things make the world sparklier.
*
First thing's first, the FMS medications. I've had to change them again and while it took me quite a while (and I still suffer from the side effects here and there), the current med is much better suited for me in that it's actually bearable. On the other hand, it's also damn expensive and no one's funding it, not even partially, which makes me wonder what social security is good for anyway.
*
I was planning on a Passover treat for myself, the treat being a trip, but mostly the chance to see some good friends, except them my Grandmother's condition started surprisingly and rapidly deteriorating and just as unexpectedly as that, she was gone.
We had the Shivaa (a week of mourning) at my house, because my Mom didn't wanna be alone during that time period. She took it harder than I would have expected (and no, I didn't expect it to be a walk in the park). Me and my sister ended up supporting her as much as we possibly could throughout the first month and a bit more than that. Things have started getting better for her, though, ever since she's decided she's gonna move out of the house they lived in together. That was about... a week and a half or two weeks ago, something like that.
*
Meanwhile, the university staff let me know they're gonna apply more criteria for whether or not I can resume my studies than they originally told me they would when I took a year off because of the FMS. So now I'm a bit pressed on that front, as I've been told I need a guide for my thesis and my thesis subject officially approved before the end of the year. Which is a month from now.
*
Another thing is the hydrotherapy I was promised. Apparently, the people who have to approve my doctor's rec (for me to get HT) don't wanna give me more than 8 sessions, even though they're well aware that I would need at least 50. Long (and boring) story short, I'm still in bureaucratic hell purgatory with this one, but hopefully I'll get a positive answer soon from the rehabilitation doctor, so I'm not despairing yet. Meanwhile, I've had the first 8 sessions, managed to get 4 more until I get everything sorted out and it's doing me a world of good.
*
The kids are wonderful and every day with them is a blessing (even the doctor said he can't just rec that I quit my job with them, despite its toll on my body, because it obviously does my spirit good). And you know what? The Kiddies Letters project was a great success. All the kids are doing much better (save for one. Yeah, you can imagine that I'm very worried about him, but I think he's at the point where his parents' help is required most of all and that's... all sorts of problematic). Point being, even if it takes me a thousand years, I WILL post more about this for those of you who've helped. Thank you so much!
* American Idol:
Of course I'm sooooooo obvious and therefore, I've been cheering for Adam Lambert from day 1 0. Of course. I know his musical style isn't everyone's thing, but it is TOTALLY mine. Okay, I consider myself to be quite versatile in what I like to listen to and given a truly good song/performer, I can dig a musical piece from any given genre. That being said, songs/performers from the glam rock era wouldn't have to work too hard (at all!) to win me over. I mean, Velvet Goldmine is one of the most brilliant movies ever in my opinion, so that says it all, I think.
So yeah, I love Adam and I also liked Allison and Kris pretty early on. You'd think I'd be happy about the Kris/Adam finale and usually, I would be. 2 of my 3 fave performers are making it to the end, so no matter who wins, I should be happy. Except I wouldn't be. For one thing, because I honestly believe Adam deserves this more than anyone else in the competition. He just has the right combination of natural talent, highly complex techniques and obvious hard work that went into mastering them, versatility, music arrangements sensibility, stage presence, charisma and personal likability as well as, you know, every time he steps out on the stage without compromising an image that isn't too easy for the audience to swallow because it's his image, I feel like his performances mean that much more. Plus, I feel like he connectes with the emotions of the songs he's performed so much more than he's been given credit for. Take for example his rendition of Black and White. He delivered the raw essence of that song in a way that Michael Jackson never has, the anger over injustice, the rage and refusal to accept it, the hurt that lies underneath it... I loved it so completely. Or Ring of Fire! I love the Johnny Cash version, still and always, but RoF is a song about passion and Cash? He sang it in the manner of someone who talks about passion without actually feeling it at that moment, more like a memory of passion and conclusions about that feeling based on the memory. Adam brought out the passion, the sensuality of the song and performed it like it's all still in present tense.
The bigger problem, though, is that should Adam lose, I wouldn't be able to bear the possibility that he lost because of people who think like this:
Homophobia FTMFL. *cringes*
And for this purpose it didn't matter if Adam was the straightest man on Earth and was just pulling a Bowie by playing with looks and gender. People still wrongly translate gender issues into sexual orientation terms, so that slightly feminine boy who gets yelled at in school for being a "sissy"? He suffers the consequences of homophobia even if he's as straight as truth itself.
* The 2009 Eurovision:
I had a lot more to say about this year's contest, but I'll settle for this:
1. The whole thing really is a whole lot less fun when your country sends a song that stands no chance of winning.
2. And Achinoam Nini is a BRILLIANT singer, so that song didn't do her justice at all.
3. Still, with several muslim countries in the competition, Israel's entry was the only one to be sang even partly in Arabic, so that's cool.
4. Moldova can claim to be as culturally independent from Romania as it wants to (even though they sing in Romanian, perform in traditional Romanian outfits and dance what's supposed to be a traditional Romanian dance), but that doesn't mean they can go around stealing the Jewish Hora (OBVIOUS chassidic musical elements and dancing) and presenting it as their own (when no one would be able to tell if they would just do what they usually would, which is steal the Romanian Hora. Same name, different song and dance altogether).
5. Russia did a really good job with the location and the sets, but the country intro's were lame (and for a secular country, they featured a surprisingly high number of churches in them, especially considering the fact that most aren't a symbol of their respective countries) and the presenters were also lame (though that's not news in the Eurovision). Still, I overall enjoyed it.
6. SERIOUSLY? Russia has been wanting to win the Eurovision Popular Song Contest for YEARS and the minute they do, some vague threats are made that the gays better not show up? Do these people (the ones who made the threats) know NOTHING about the Eurovision? It's the gays that make it go round! DUH!
* Merlin:
I miss the boys. How do I know this? Because I had a dream that involved Colin, Bradley and a very small, intimate boat. And boy!touching, obviously. My dreams, I wish I could film the porn from them and share it with y'all.
Which reminds me. You don't know this, but I owe you a Merlin fic that I've written right before my Grandma passed away.
*
Also, I think that right now, it's easier for me to talk about music or TV or whatnot than about what I'm going through. But I know that things will be alright eventually and then I'll be able to breathe in deeper and more freely, and I'll be able to really share, if you guys will be inclined to listen. No matter what, though, I'm sending you TONS of love.
***
[ETA:] Where did my background and header disappear to? *checks* Uh oh, does this mean that My fic site and Shapefive.com are down for the count or is this a temporary issue? *clings to fics for dear life*