Fic: Love in the air
Title: Love in the Air
Author: gravaja_umbros
Artist: vehlr
Genre: Humor, Parody
Ratings: Teen
Warnings: Language, minor sexual themes
Summary: Before attacking the collector base, Shepard and Thane shared an intimate evening. But now in the aftermath of the battle, something's happened and the humans in the crew are acting strangely. Now you've got tea parties happening next to magical girls and if you ever hope to win the prize you'd better beat that otter to it!
Author's note: This is my entry for the bioware big bang! Normally I go for a male Shepard, but once this idea showed up it had to be written. Many thanks to Elina Trevisan, my beta-reader, who also helped me come up with parts of this story, and to Vehlr, who has created an awesome fanmix based on this story! I should also note that this story references a lot of other things, and I do so lovingly. I'm not trying to pass off Weird Al or Azu-Manga Daioh or anything else I reference as my own. And anyone who can identify all the references I make in this story... well, I'll be very impressed with you. I hope you get a good laugh out of this story. I know I did writing it.
Prologue: The Morning After
Shepard groaned. She had such a headache. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to focus.
"Hey, you're awake! How are you feeling?"
"Garrus?" Shepard sat up and looked around. "Are we on Omega?"
"Yeah. How much do you remember?"
Shepard thought back. "I remember we went through the Omega-4 relay. We found the collector base. We saved the crew, and then destroyed that weird human reaper thing. I set the base to explode, and then we booked it back to the ship."
"Good so far," Garrus nodded. "And then what?"
"Then... I think I must've taken a nap or something. Had one cracked out dream."
Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Uh, try again."
"I wasn't asleep?" Garrus shook his head. "Then that makes no sense. My dream made no sense. It couldn't have been real. The world went all grey, and I remember screaming, and it smelled like sex and pie, but in a really bad way."
"Oh," Garrus looked down. "You remember that smell. That was Gardner."
"And the screaming?"
"There was a lot of that. Could've been Ken. Or anyone who got too close to Jack."
"And, the colors changing? Everything going grey and... depressing music."
"That was just you."
"I remember now, the music was being played by monkeys with accordions. And they kept singing about how no one loves me to the tune of ‘When the Saints Go Marching In' all barbershop quartet like!"
"Now that sounds absolutely fascinating!" a new voice said. "Honestly, here I thought you were all serious save the world types, but when you've finished with that you and your crew are a riot!"
Shepard grimaced and looked to the new voice. The asari who ran Omega was sitting nearby, looking extremely happy.
"Garrus, why didn't you warn me that Aria T'Loak was here."
"Wouldn't have mattered much. She, uh, saw a lot of what was happening."
"With me?"
"With the whole crew. Well, all the humans in the crew."
Shepard shook her head and prayed that she was going to wake up any moment. "And what did happen?"
"It was a biohazard of sorts. A chemical which causes hallucinations in humans ended up traveling through the entire ship through the vents in life support. All human crew were affected. We... isolated the source of the chemical, and Mordin got to work trying to find an antidote. We had Tali and EDI pilot the ship to Omega, it being the nearest place we could safely dock."
"How did this chemical get loose on the ship?"
"Oh, this is my favorite part," Aria chuckled.
"Ah, well. You see... drell naturally produce that chemical. Though usually not in so high a concentration. And usually they don't... excrete it. With the changes his system underwent, he was sweating this out, and it evaporated amazingly quickly, and from his room in life support the airborne chemical spread very quickly."
Shepard blushed intensely. "Are you saying that Thane caused this whole thing to happen?" Garrus nodded. "And, Thane's body did this because he... and I..."
"That's right," Aria said. "You poisoned your entire crew because you and your boy-toy couldn't keep it in your pants!"
"Where's Thane now?"
"He's still in your quarters on the Normandy. Mordin gave him something that stopped him from secreting the chemical, but the dose was a little high. He's sleeping it off."
"And... the rest of the crew?"
"Most of them are still crammed into crew's quarters on the Normandy. We, uh, finally decided to gas them all to put them to sleep until we had this resolved."
"Oh God," Shepard groaned again. "Is there anything else about this I should know?"
"Well, other than the fact that Aria now had plenty of material to blackmail you with should she feel the need, there's also what happened with The Illusive Man."
"Do I want to know?"
"Let's just say it's very obvious that we don't work for him anymore. Oh, and you'll probably need to apologize to Admiral Hackett."
"How the hell does Hackett know about this! What did I do to him?"
"Well, YOU didn't do anything to Hackett. But one of the crew... well, he was about ready to mobilize the 5th fleet."
"For a biohazard?"
"That's not what he was led to believe was happening."
Shepard lay back down. "I'm in hell. I just know it."
Shepard
"Well done, everyone! We got through that mission without losing a single crew member!" Shepard was marching happily through the ship. "The collector base is no more! That's one thing less those lousy Reapers will have to use against us when they show up."
"Yeah! This calls for a celebration!"
"Right you are!" Shepard agreed. "Celebration time!"
"Um, right who is?" Samara asked, looking around.
Shepard looked quizzically at Samara. "Whoever said ‘this calls for a celebration'."
Some of the other crew members looked at each other, puzzled. "I'm glad to see you're happy," Garrus said. "But I didn't hear anyone say that."
"Nonsense. Of course someone said that."
"Shepard-Commander, I can replay my audio logs," Legion offered helpfully. "You will find no such comment was made."
"Oh, really?" Shepard shrugged. "Well, it's a good idea anyway. Everyone head back to your quarters, get whatever rest you need, and in one hour's time we'll all meet up in the mess for a party!"
As everyone began heading to their rooms, Thane stayed behind. He made an effort to look like he was involved in something, and would be along shortly.
"Thane, are you waiting for me," Shepard asked coyly once everyone else had left. "You want to come to my quarters instead?"
"Hmm, while the offer is appreciated, I do have a few things I need to take care of. I... wish to compose a message to my son."
"Of course," Shepard nodded. "Still, did you want something?"
"I was wondering about that confusion earlier."
"What confusion?"
"When you heard something no one else did just a moment ago. I was wondering if perhaps... well, Mordin did warn about hallucinations."
"Oh, you'd think any of that would have worn off by now. And besides, we didn't have much contact orally." Shepard smiled at the memory. "But, what did you mean, about me hearing something no one else did?"
Now Thane looked worried. "You don't remember? You heard someone say something about a celebration. No one else heard it. Legion even offered to replay his audio records."
"Oh, right. Of course. Legion's audio records. Well, I'm sure it's nothing. Legion can listen to whatever he wants to." Shepard smiled up at Thane, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Anyway, would you care to join me in my quarters?"
Thane slipped out from her arms and took a step back. "I'm sorry, Siha. Something's clearly not right here. You're not making much sense. I recommend you see Mordin."
"Mordin? Why would I see him?" Shepard asked. "It's you I like. But if you're suggesting a threesome, I wouldn't pick Mordin as our third. No sex drive. Maybe Kasumi, though. She seems adventurous. Or Garrus. Are you into turians?"
"Si-" Thane's voice failed him. He seemed quite surprised by the direction this conversation was going. He swallowed, and tried again. "Siha, I'm going to go to my room now. Please, go talk to Mordin. I'm sure he'll have something to say."
"Okay, fine. But later, you're all mine!"
With that, Shepard started off towards her quarters. Once in the elevator, however, she had another thought, and instead went to the cargo bay. Shepard nodded to the crew who were cleaning up in there, and made her way to the Hammerhead.
"Ah! You're no Mako, but I like you!"
"Ma'am?" one of the crew approached Shepard. "Can I help you?"
"Nope. Just admiring the equipment."
"Yeah, it's just like old times, isn't it?"
Shepard turned to the voice. "Well if it isn't Ashley Williams!"
"Who are you talking to ma'am?" the crew member asked. Shepard ignored him. She had a friend to catch up with.
"You don't think I'd miss your moment of triumph, do you?"
"Course not, Ash! How long has it been though? I haven't seen you since you died on Virmire!"
"Yeah, I've been keeping pretty busy," Ash said. Shepard failed to notice anything odd about the conversation. "You know how it goes."
"Right, right. Congrats on those awards you got! First human to get those. What were they again? Some salarian and turian medals, weren't they?"
Ashley nodded. "Yeah, though I'm pretty sure they misquoted me."
"It happens to me all the time."
"I'm sure," she said sympathetically. "Hey, what do you say we go take the Mako for a joyride?"
Shepard looked over to the Hammerhead, then back to Ashley and grinned. "Let's do it," she giggled. Shepard did her best to look nonchalant as she made her way towards the cockpit of the Hammerhead.
"Ma'am, what are you doing?"
Apparently she wasn't that good at nonchalant at the moment. She frowned at the crewman. "Look, this is my ship. And that's my Mako," she pointed. "If we want to take her for a ride, we will."
"Mako?" the crewman asked. "Ma'am, that's not a Mako."
Shepard looked at the Hammerhead. She leaned her head forward and squinted, not that it helped her see it any better. "Hmm, you may be right."
"Look, maybe you should sit down. I radioed Chakwas, and she said she'd send Garrus to come get you. So maybe you should just sit down and relax."
"Relax?" Shepard gave this serious thought. Much more than it should have taken. "Relax," she said again, almost as if examining the word. "Re-lax." Shepard chuckled. "Is that when you lax again?"
The elevator opened nearby and got the attention of the two. "Oh, thank God you're here," the crewman said. "Something's... not right with her."
"Kaidan!" Shepard squealed. "Now I've got you and Ash together, we have to take the Mako for a ride!"
"Kaidan? The Mako? Ashley? Shepard, it's me, Garrus."
Shepard performed the same squinting examination on Garrus that she had on the Hammerhead. "Don't be silly," she finally declared. "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite Kaidan on the Citadel." Shepard grabbed Garrus firmly by the arm. "Now, let's take that Mako ride!"
"Shepard, please, I'm not Kaidan. Come with me, and we'll let Chakwas and Mordin take a look at you."
"Only if you promise we can go for a ride later. And maybe later, something a little more intimate?" Shepard wiggled her eyebrows.
"Shepard, have you forgotten? You're with Thane now. And even if you weren't, I'm not Kaidan."
Shepard frowned. "I know. You're not Kaidan. And Ashley's dead." Shepard's mood was suddenly very different. "All my friends are leaving. I don't know anyone anymore. I don't know Kaidan." Shepard looked about ready to break into tears.
"Shepard, you still know Kaidan, but he's not here. Let's get you to Chakwas." He gently pulled Shepard toward the elevator.
"I don't know Chakwas either. Don't know anybody."
"Yes you do."
"I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ATTEND MY FUNERAL!" Shepard finally broke down and fell to her knees, crying in the cargo bay. "Even I didn't like me enough to attend! I didn't see anyone there! No one loves me!"
Garrus patted Shepard awkwardly on the back. "That's not true. Lots of people were there. You just couldn't see them because... you were dead. But you got better, that's what's important."
Shepard looked up at Garrus like a lost puppy. "You really think so?"
"Of course I do." He couldn't believe the conversation he was having. "Now, let's stand up and get moving."
"Can you tell the monkeys to stop first?"
"Sure I, wait, what?" Garrus shook his head. "Never mind. Monkeys, please stop right now. Hey, you, can you help me get her into the elevator?" he asked the nearest crewman. The crewman tilted his head as he looked at Shepard. "Now!"
"She... she's pretty," he said slowly.
Garrus' eye's widened. That was not a normal reaction. Could whatever Shepard had be contagious? Could it be spreading that quick? Was he in danger?
"I... yes, the commander is. Could you help us get to the elevator? You can come too." It was probably best to bring anyone with this... whatever it was along.
"No, not the commander," he said. He looked around for a moment. "I mean the fairy behind the commander," he whispered, though it was a loud enough whisper that anyone could have heard.
"We'll, uh, bring the fairy with us. Come on, there are lots of fairies in med bay."
"Really?" Shepard asked, though she still looked depressed. "Can they make you fly?"
Garrus groaned. "Yes, the med bay is full of lots of pretty fairies that will let you fly. Let's go meet them, shall we? If we go now, they'll even give you chocolate," he said, naming the first human treat he could think of.
"Okay," Shepard nodded.
"I love chocolate!"
Tali
Tali checked on the situation in engineering briefly. She trusted Ken and Gabby to know what they were doing, but she wanted to make sure everything was running fine after the battle before she went to rest. She knew she had to be quick if she wanted to make Shepard's celebration in an hour.
A quick check showed that the damage the ship had received in the fight was under control, and the engines were working fine. She wouldn't want to have to face another collector ship in this condition, but it should get them back into civilized space just fine. After that, they could dock for repairs on Omega, or even make it to Illium if they didn't want to deal with shady businessmen on Omega.
Tali was about to head off for a quick nap, when she noticed that Ken wasn't at his console. "Gabby, where is Ken? Is he dealing with repairs elsewhere?"
Gabby looked up at Tali and just stared for a moment. Tali was about to ask what was wrong when Gabby spoke up. "Your eyes," she smiled. "They glow."
"Um, yes, they do. But where's-"
"That's because you're an angel."
Tali wasn't sure what to make of that. "I'm glad you think so, but-"
"Not like, ‘oh you're so nice, you're such an angel'. But you're the real thing. A real angel."
"Are you feeling alright? If you'd like to rest I could handle your duties for a while. We've all been through a lot of stress."
Gabby smiled. "Can I touch your wings?"
"My what?" Tali frowned. Her translator had to be broken. Maybe it was damaged during the fight in the collector base. Before she could give any more thought to this, Gabby reached behind her, grabbing at the air. She just held her hand there.
"So soft. All feathery."
Maybe it wasn't just a translator problem.
"Tali!" she heard Garrus' voice over her comm channel. "Tali, we need you to get up to the CIC, now!"
"What's the matter? If there's a problem, I should stay in engineering. Besides, Gabby is-"
"There's a problem alright. Get up there and check on Joker. If he's acting the least bit out of it, take over flying the ship from him! Once this thing starts it gets bad quick!"
"What thing?" Tali was running to the elevator as she spoke, the panic in Garrus' voice spurring her to act even when she didn't understand.
"This... ah, hell if I know what it is! But first Shepard was acting weird, then someone in the cargo bay, and now we get up to Chakwas' office and she won't let us in!"
"Doctor Chakwas won't let Shepard in?" Tali asked, and wished that the elevator would move faster.
"No! She growled at us! I'm going to take Shepard to- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GARDNER!?"
"What's going on?"
"I just... it's... don't eat anything, okay. Gardner, stop that, let go!"
"Why, is this some food borne illness? Poison?"
"No, I don't think so. But... look, just don't eat the- I TOLD YOU TO STO-! NO, PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP!"
The elevator chose this moment to open to the CIC. Kelly Chambers turned quickly to look at Tali. "I'm at the CIC now, Garrus. I'll... leave you to whatever you're doing."
"Oh, Tali," Kelly smiled. "We don't see much of you up here. Of course, we never see as much of you as we'd like," she said, moving uncomfortably close to Tali. "You in that suit all day, you must be soooo lonely." Kelly reached out her hands, for places Tali did not feel comfortable to be reached at.
"I have to go, Kelly." Tali took a swift step back. "Garrus wants me to-"
"Oh, Garrus. Rawr," Kelly scratched at the air. "I wouldn't mind letting him know how I feel about aliens. How about you? Can I let you know how I... feeeeeeel." She was obviously trying to be seductive, but she seemed to come off more as drunk.
"I, uh, I don't think that's a good idea, just now. You should probably head to med bay." Tali only realized after she said it that med bay was currently occupied by a growling Dr. Chakwas who wasn't letting anyone in.
"I think I will. I'm sure Legion knows how to treat a lady," she giggled. Tali did her best to get the horrible mental pictures out of her head.
"Geth should never be thought of that way," she muttered to herself as she made her way to the cockpit.
EDI spoke up the moment she got there. "Miss Zorah, I think you need to relieve Jeff of his position immediately."
"Yes, I understand there's something happening to many of the crew."
"The human crew only. Garrus and Mordin are attempting to bring the situation under control, but they will need the help of all non-human crew."
"What seems to be wrong with Joker?"
"Nothing's wrong with me!" Joker said loudly. "I'm fine, geez!"
Tali shrugged, "he sounds alright to-"
"It's not my fault if this chair can do fun things!" To demonstrate his point, Joker began spinning his chair. "Heeheehee. Tali, now I see you," his chair turned away from her, "now I don't! Now I see you-"
"This is not Jeff's usual sense of humor," EDI said flatly.
"So I see."
Tali had been in all sorts of different situations before. Many strange, many difficult, and she faced them all head on. She was willing to do whatever it took to protect the Normandy and its crew. That being said, she was very thankful that she had been selected to pilot. Admittedly, right now EDI could probably handle it by herself, but she had been asked to be here and she was staying here as long as she could get away with it. She did her best to ignore all the other sounds around her. That wasn't her job. She needed to be focused on piloting so that they could get to Omega as soon as possible. It gave her the perfect excuse to say ‘no' when she was asked to go to Zaeed's quarters to stop the crew from trying to launch Miss Fluffles the stuffed otter out the garbage disposal. They managed to convince themselves that she was an evil alien who could only be killed by the vacuum of space. Tali could just sit here, pretending she was doing more than she really was, and let the rest of the chaos pass her by.
"Are you certain you don't wish to go to engineering to stop crewman Jonston?" EDI asked.
"He knows nothing about engineering. He's fine."
"But I am capable of handling things here for the moment. And he believes he has taken control of the ship and none of the other non-human crew are available to deal with him at the moment."
"And with his control he sings about some woman called Kathleen and how he'll ‘take her home again'. He's hardly a priority."
"He has managed to broadcast his singing to the rest of engineering."
"Still not a threat, or a priority in any way. It's fine. I can stay- AAAUGH!" Tali's head suddenly jerked back. She turned as best as she could to see a crew member grabbing her hood.
"This is pretty. I just know it'll work great with my drapes," the woman nodded happily.
"Garrus!" Tali called, trying to pull her hood out of the woman's hands. "Garrus!"
Mordin
"Very interesting indeed. Knew of chemical, advised against oral contact. Current events, unforeseen. May be the first human/drell couple. No other documented cases. Curious, as to why it took so long. Perhaps stress from suicide mission delayed body's reaction. Or perhaps simply slow acting. Merits further study."
"Yes, Mordin, but can you fix it?" Garrus asked.
"Fix it? Of course. Will take time. Suspect Thane still producing chemical. Shepard's room most isolated, have him wait there. Will let EDI monitor chemical levels, see when his body reverts to normal."
"Sure, I'll tell him to head up there now," Garrus nodded. "In the meantime, what do we do about all these crazy humans?"
Mordin shrugged nonchalantly. "Not my problem, need to work on cure. Suggest containing them to crew's quarters."
"The crew's quarters are meant to be used in shifts!" Garrus said. "To fit the entire crew in there... it's not possible!"
"True. Also could get destructive, that many hallucinating humans in one place. Nonetheless, not my problem. Need to focus. You deal with humans."
Garrus sighed. "Of course, my job."
"Garrus!" they heard a shout from the CIC. "Garrus!"
"Right, I'll get on that. You just deal with this quickly."
"Of course. Sloth could prove dangerous in this situation. Will work quickly."
Mordin brought up his omni-tool, examining the readings on it. "Fascinating. Would think it purposefully weaponized if didn't know better. Interesting potential, must keep in mind for later study." He moved over to some of his other equipment. "Potential solutions. Chemical blocker, keep hallucinogens from reaching brain. Chemical reaction to break down hallucinogen, render it harmless. Perhaps-"
"You have to be quiet! They'll find us!"
Mordin barely even looked up. As expected, a human had wandered into his lab. They weren't speaking to Mordin, but to a stuffed animal. A water-dwelling mustelid, if Mordin recognized the species correctly.
"You keep that up, and I'll make you regret it!" he said, pulling out a lighter and holding it near the toy. Even this didn't cause Mordin to worry. While much of his material would have highly adverse reactions to flame, such things were secured where the crewman would be unable to reach them. Even if he lit the toy, the ship's fire suppressant systems would deal with it before any lasting damage could be done to himself or his work.
"Ah! Look at that!" The man tossed the plush creature behind him and turned to fully face Mordin. Mordin ignored him and continued to work, hoping that would be enough to be left alone. "I've never seen anything like it before! You can just taste it! So juicy looking. And to think, we have just one on the whole fruit tree!"
Mordin was unsure whether the crewman believed him to be a fruit tree, or simply saw one in his direction.
"It's practically glowing! Must have a taste!" The man quickly reached out and grabbed Mordin's horn.
"Garrus! Can't work under these conditions! Must have solitude! Remove the human immediately! Garrus!"
Joker and Jack
"Don't know why Tali and EDI said I had to go," Joker mumbled to himself. "I was piloting just fine! We didn't crash into anything, and we were in 1st place!"
Joker was slowly working his way toward crew quarters, where Tali had insisted he go. He was almost to the elevator now.
"These guys just don't know a good pilot when they see one. Why, I'll bet I can make the Normandy go three times faster than normal! It'll be all... WHOOSH! Then everyone will be like, ‘wow!' Then I'll go, ‘that's nothing'. Then it'll be all WHOOSH again, but this time, it'll be, like, SUPER WHOOSH! I'll be like, ‘what did you guys think of that?' And they'll all go, ‘he's the best pilot ever! Aaaaaaaahhhh!'" he partially covered his mouth to imitate a crowd cheering. "Yeah, they won't know what hit them!"
He got on the elevator to see the SR-1 there. "Now, you were a great ship!"
"I'm not a ship," the SR-1 whispered in a woman's voice. "I'm hiding BEHIND the ship!" She moved the ship to the side and Joker saw that it was Jack, holding a model.
"Clever," he nodded his approval. "I fell for it. So who are you hiding from?"
"Grown-ups," Jack pouted.
Joker nodded in understanding. "I know just what you mean."
"Really?"
"Well," Joker thought about it. "Actually, no. I have no clue."
"Ah. That's all right then," Jack smiled. "Do you want me to tell you about it?"
Joker looked at her, then looked at the ship she was holding, then back to her. "Will you let me play with the ship?"
"Okay!"
"Then sure! Here, I know where we can go where nobody will find us!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her along towards the armory. She gave his hand a squeeze, and a loud crack was heard.
"What was that sound?"
"Nothing important, I'm sure," Joker said. Something in the back of his mind told him those cracks were indeed important and he needed to do something about that. "As if. This is more fun!"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Something in the back of my mind. It's a total killjoy."
"Sometimes I hear buzzing in my ears. Maybe that's my total killjoy humming!"
"That makes sense."
They now stood in the back of the armory, by the window where you could see the ship's core.
"Wow, that's pretty!" Jack said excitedly. "I can make pretty colors too!"
"Can I see?"
"Of course. You're my best friend after all."
With that Jack's biotics flared up and she smashed Joker into a wall. There were several loud snaps.
"Woah!" Joker said happily as he tried to stand again. "That was cool! All the pretty blue, and then the funny snapping noises too!"
"I think you made the snapping noises."
Joker looked down and saw he was bleeding from several places now. "First blue, now red. If they weren't down in the boxed canyon, we wouldn't need to be down in a boxed canyon either."
"What?"
"It's red! See!" he got some blood on her fingers to show her. "And we have a ship!" he picked up the model of the Normandy. "We need to put them together! Red ones go faster," he said very matter-of-factly.
"Um, sure. I'll make more red then!"
Joker had already begun ‘painting' the Normandy red, and looked up to see Jack's biotics flare up again. But at the last moment she was encased in a blue sphere and her biotics never reached him.
"Thank the Goddess I found you again," Samara said, looking at Jack.
"Aw, I hate grown-ups," she pouted.
Samara looked down at Joker, painting the model ship and ignoring his own obvious injuries. "Garrus, Joker needs medical attention immediately."
"Joker? Samara, weren't you supposed to be watching Jack?"
"She escaped me for a moment. I found her and Joker playing together."
Garrus groaned. "That would require medical attention. Okay, um, I'll be right there. I just need to slip past Chakwas and grab some medigel first."
"Understood."
"Just look at him go!" Joker said, zooming the ship around. "It's over nine thousand!"
Miranda
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and gay! I... I don't know the rest of the words!"
Miranda sighed. "Honestly. West Side Story? That's the best you could come up with?"
"Yes," her reflection said. "What do you think the best musical theater is then?"
"Easy," she told her reflection. "Henry the Twentieth, William Shakespeare."
She snorted, now speaking as her reflection. "And you think I'm the idiot. Everyone knows it was Chaucer who wrote that one!"
"Regardless, you'll never find better music."
"Have you checked the couch cushions?"
"Hmm," Miranda thought long and hard about that. "You could be on to something there."
"That's because I'm the pretty one!"
"What!"
"Reflection is a pretty woman so she'll marry and get richer! Ah, I'm in my happy-"
With a loud smash Miranda now stared at the place where the mirror used to be. "That'll show her." Miranda took a few steps to stand in front of the neighboring mirror. "Now you, I think I can get along with."
"I don't blame you," the reflection replied. "I am much smarter and prettier than your last-"
Another smashing sound was heard in the bathroom. "They talked too much anyway."
Jacob and Kasumi
"Jacob. I must say, I wasn't expecting to hear from the Normandy again after what happened on the collector base." The illusive man took a long drag on his cigarette. "What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Jacob chuckled. "Well that's obvious. I'm after... the priiiiiize."
The illusive man sat silently for a moment, looking at Jacob's hologram. "Um, what are you talking about?"
"Oh, you know very well what I mean. Now you may have power and influence and money, but you'll never have... the priiiiiize."
"Jacob, have you been drinking?"
"Hmph. Drinking? You know what drinking does to you. It wrecks your body. You'll never win... the priiiiiize. But I will. Just take a look!" With that Jacob tossed off his shirt and posed, flexing his arms. "Oh yeah, I'm well on my way to-"
"The prize, I get it. Jacob, where is Shepard? Does she know you're here?"
"Shepard? Shepard doesn't want to talk to you. She's tired of... the liiiiiies."
The illusive man rubbed his head with his free hand. These communication devices were the best. State of the art. However, one activated automatically when its partner was used. This meant there was no way for the illusive man to shut it down.
"Jacob, please just- what are you doing?"
Jacob had now stripped completely naked, and was continuing to pose. "Yeah, you know you want some of this. I'll bet I'm giving you... a riiiiiise."
"No, Jacob, I assure you that you are not. If this is all you intend then I'll just be leaving." Even though he couldn't shut down the communicator, he could still leave the room.
"I can tell you all about the collectors."
The illusive man paused. "Very well."
"We met many collectors in their base. And one by one... he diiiiiies!"
"Oh God, you're stupid. I'm leaving now."
"You can't go! I mean just look at how big my muscles are. Just look at... the siiiiiize."
Jacob could no longer see a hologram of the illusive man. "Oh well, that doesn't mean I can't win... the priiiiiize. Got to get stronger!" Jacob sat down on the floor and began doing sit-ups. "I ate too much! Now I must work off my calories from... the piiiiiies."
At this moment Kasumi appeared in the room, her cloak shutting off, as she too began strip off all her clothes.
"Kasumi?" Jacob stared at her.
She looked up. "No, no. You can't see me. I'm being sneaky. So sneaky, my clothes can't even rustle. I'll be completely undetectable in every way."
"Oh. Sorry about that, I thought I did see you."
"No problem. That's an easy mistake to make."
"But now that you mention it you're right. You're so quiet I can hear the footfall of... the fliiiiiies."
Jacob kept working out for another ten minutes, his only interruption when another man came in to take their pants.
"Jacob," Kasumi whispered. "Hey, Jacob."
"Yeah?" he paused and looked around the room in confusion, as he obviously couldn't see Kasumi.
"I got an idea."
"Will it help me to win... the priiiiiize?"
"Yes. You see, you're working out too slowly."
"Too slowly?"
"Yes. But I know how you can fix that!"
"Great! Tell me!"
Garrus came by not long after that. He had been speaking with Mordin when he heard odd noises and poked his head in.
"Buh ba BA! Buh da da dum ba BA! BA BA BA BUM!" Kasumi was doing her best to make dramatic sounding music, while Jacob looked like his exercise routine was designed by a three year old with ADHD.
"Guys? What's up?"
"I'M IN A TRAINING MONTAGE! YEEEEAAAAAH!"
Garrus starred at them for a moment before seeing a crewmember attempting to access the weapons in the armory. That man was holding a plushy and threatening, "You don't squeal about us. We won't even let you pretend you're a stoolie."
"Well, have fun with that I suppose," Garrus said, leaving them for later.
Grunt
Grunt was asleep. Or at least that was what he hoped everyone would believe. He had stepped back into his tube and closed it behind him. It couldn't put him back in stasis, and now was basically just an expensive krogan-sized box. But even if he couldn't fool Garrus, or any of the non-humans, the humans would surely believe that he was sleeping here, if they noticed him at all. He wouldn't admit it, but he kind of liked the crew. And now they needed to be dealt with, but the only way he knew to deal with people was to kill them or fight them. That wasn't what these people needed. Besides, he had seen Jack. Who knew what would happen around that woman, especially now.
The door to the area opened and a human wandered in. Grunt focused on pretending to sleep, but peeked out through squinted eyes.
"Eh? Yes, yes, quite right," the man said to no one in particular. "Yes, Venat, it is very pretty. No one knows better than me. And- OH!" he gasped, looking at Grunt's tank. Grunt hoped he hadn't noticed that he was awake. "It's so big! I've never seen anything like it! So... much..." he leaned forward, his breath fogging the glass, "...ice-cream!" With that, the man began to lick the glass.
Grunt's eyes shot open, not able to even pretend sleep with this going on. "Garrus!" he shouted, while the man remained oblivious, still licking the glass. "Garrus!"
Gabby and Kelly
"My my, aren't you cute! So soft and huggable," the man picked up the plush otter from the floor in the galley and gave it a squeeze. "You're going to be my new friend!"
"Stop right there!"
"What?" he turned towards the voice.
"Threatening an innocent woman with your lewd ways is unforgivable! As a warrior of divine justice I simply cannot abide that! In the name of engineering I shall punish you! Lady Engineering, the pretty soldier of divine justice and mechanics, acts with grace!"
"And I cannot forgive you for getting lewd before I do! Mistress Dancer, the pretty soldier of fish feeding and romance, acts with elegance!"
The man stared at the two women before him. "Oh my," he said, looking at them, and then looking down. "You're wearing your shoes on the table."
Gabby, aka Lady Engineering, and Kelly, Mistress Dancer, were indeed standing on the table wearing their shoes, a fact which they looked a little sheepish about now.
"Yes, well, regardless of that, we shall purify you of your evil ways!" Gabby announced. "Now let the innocent go!"
"You can't have her!" he shouted. "She's mine, and her sister too!"
"Which one?" Kelly asked.
"All of them!"
"Yeah, well I'll take prisoner your best friend Jake!"
"Yeah, well me too! And, I'll take prisoner your dog Woofie!"
"Woofie you bitch!" Kelly screamed. "Well I'm also taking prisoner your pet goat!"
"That goat doesn't love you!"
"Mistress Dancer, I think you're getting carried away," Gabby said. "We're supposed to rescue prisoners, not take more."
"Oh, right." Kelly examined the hostage situation once more. "I have an idea. You give him a speech on the power of friendship, while I charge up my attack!"
"Right," Gabby nodded. "Don't you see, despite all your evil deeds, your friends still love you! It was only because they care that they tried to have you committed for crimes against humanity!"
"If that's true, then why did none of them ever help me hatch my escape plan?"
"Because they were all out shopping. But believe me, if they had known about the horrible experiments that the doctors performed, they wouldn't have left you alone! They would have been right there holding your hand as the doctor replaced your lower torso with that of a cat."
"How can I believe you when they never even told me I had a son!"
"But he wasn't really your son," Gabby cried. "He was an invader from another dimension who implanted himself in your uterus so he could use your ties to infiltrate the citadel counsel! But he never expected them to reject his application on account of being batshit crazy. So he had to keep pretending he was your son until he finished constructing his fleet of giant edible-"
"Mistress Dancer Style Leroy Jenkins Pattern Charge Attack of Mystical Justice for All Trials and Tribulations Patent Pending Bull Rush Patter GO!" Kelly attempted to tackle the man to the ground. However, she did so with her eyes closed, and instead ran straight into a wall.
"No!" the man shouted, dropping the plush otter. "She's too much for me! REFRESH!"
Ken
"I won't stand for it any longer!" Ken announced. "Too long have we suffered this unjustice! Too long have we labored while this disjustice hangs over us! Too long has this exjustice taken advantage of us! But no longer! We shall rejustice the hell out of this justice, until this nonjustice is seen as the simple prejustice it is in our post-prejustice justice! Who stands with me?"
No one stood with Ken. As a matter of fact, no one else was in the men's room as Ken gave his speech. But he was still sure it was an inspiring rally cry.
"Then let's do it! They can take our dignity, but they cannot take our haggis! For the haggis!"
Before leaving the men's room Ken looked himself over once more in the mirror. He was naked, with much of his body painted blue. He was sure that William Wallace would be proud to see Ken exhibiting the spirit of a nation thusly.
Ken charged out of the bathroom and towards Gardner's usual spot behind the counter. A brief glance showed him that Gardner was not there at the moment. However, he did see Samara, Jack, and Legion. Samara and Jack were engaged in a biotic struggle. Samara's face was serious, with a light sheen of sweat from concentration. Jack, however, was giggling. She was obviously tired as well, but seemed to be having the time of her life, and was watching the colors their clashing biotic fields made rather than her opponent.
"A geth!" Ken shouted. "I've found a geth, trying to infiltrate the ship! He'll not have our food if I've anything to say about it!" Ken charged directly at Samara. Before he could reach her, Legion had grabbed him and twisted his arm behind his back. "You can't silence the truth! She's a geth!"
"Donnelly-Engineer, Samara-Justicar is not geth. We are geth."
"Oh, you'd like me to think so, wouldn't you!"
"It should not be difficult to tell us apart. Samara-Justicar is clearly asari. We are clearly geth."
"You can't silence us like this! The blood of the Scotts runs through my veins! We Scotts were fighting the geth when the asari were still discovering fire!"
"That is quite impossible," Legion said. "While I realize it is pointless to argue with humans in your condition, the fact remains that at the time the asari were discovering fire there were no geth to speak of, nor Scotts." Legion began to lead Ken towards the crew quarters, where Grunt stood menacingly.
"No, you can't put me in there!" Ken looked around. He needed an escape route, but Legion's grip was just too tight. They were getting so close to the door now.
"He's probably the last that'll fit in here," Grunt said, opening the door.
That's when Ken saw it. The room was filled with people. Legion couldn't hold them all off. "Free cake to any who charges Legion!"
The crowd instantly lunged. Grunt held back most of them, pushing them back inside, but a few slipped between the cracks and tackled Ken's captor. Legion fell back, and Ken led his new rebel army to life support, grabbing a stuffed otter on the way. "Everyone stay back, or the hostage gets it!" he shouted at the hall before retreating inside and closing the door.
"So where's the cake?" one of the men asked.
"The cake was a lie, sorry about that."
Zaeed
"You look so pretty today, Jessie!" Zaeed said happily, pouring tea from his imaginary pot. "It's very nice to see you out and about. I know you have a weak constitution these days," he frowned sympathetically at the old rifle. It was wrapped up in bright pink ribbons and bows, though some of the bows looked a bit crumpled, as though they had been sat on at some point. "Oh, yes, it's simply dreadful. If only everyone could see it the way you and I do." At this remark Zaeed looked over to his other guns and rolled his eyes. "They're just jealous," he whispered to Jessie. "But they'll come around."
"Hey guys, look at what Kelly's doing on this screen!"
"Shut the hell up before I blow out your damn kneecaps!" Zaeed shouted. "We're trying to have a civilized conversation here!"
The man whimpered and ran from the room.
"I'm so very sorry about that, my dear. Some people can be so rude." Zaeed poured himself some imaginary tea. "Oh," he turned towards his Vindicator, "yes, he's very good at it. You may have a point." He sat there a moment, scratching his chin in thought. "What the hell are you doing you mother fuckers!" he shouted. This time no one was there in the first place, though he didn't seem to notice. "Damn kids, think they can get away with anything. And me with this headache." He turned once again to his guns, and seemed to be listening to them once again. "Alright, it's decided then, we'll go see him." With that, he carefully picked up Jessie and walked out.
Ten minutes later, Zaeed sat down in the main battery. "He's not here," Zaeed said sadly, sniffling quietly. "He's always here." He held out Jessie in front of him. "It's okay, girl. We'll work something out. You don't worry a single hair on your head about it. I know, we'll ask EDI about it. EDI?" he asked in a polite tone, turning towards the holographic display. "Please tell us where Garrus is."
"Garrus Vakarian is currently very busy. I recommend you wait for him in the starboard observation room."
"This can't wait. It's very important to my dear Jessie that we get this taken care of right away!"
EDI seemed to pause for a moment. "Perhaps another crew member could assist you. What is it that you require?"
Zaeed growled. "I require that damned turian, that's what I require!"
"Very well. Garrus is currently in life support, attempting to keep Engineer Donnelly away from Thane's weapons. Engineer Donnelly claims to have a hostage, though it is believed to simply be a plush toy."
"See now, that wasn't so hard was it?"
Zaeed set off towards life support, cradling his old rifle as though it were a baby and whispering incomprehensibly to it. Despite the simple route to get from the main battery to life support, Zaeed got lost three times. Twice he ended up in Miranda's office, and once he found himself being chased away from med bay by a snarling Dr. Chakwas. Finally he found himself standing in front of life support as Garrus sighed and relocked the door, which was covered in smears of blue paint.
"Oh, Zaeed," Garrus seemed to cringe, especially when he spotted the rifle in the old mercenary's hands.
"Garrus, I need a favor."
"Um, sure. But I'm really busy right now. But if you could just wait for me in the starboard-"
"But it's a matter of life and death!" Zaeed seemed to be tearing up, something Garrus had never seen happen before.
"Fine. What is it?"
"It's Jessie, here. She's not well you know."
Garrus looked at the old battered rifle, still wrapped in pink ribbons and bows. "Um, yes. So I see."
"But you're so good with weapons, I thought maybe you could take a look at her?"
"And I thought he'd be one of the violent ones," Garrus muttered under his breath. "Yeah, I'd love to. But it's really not a good time and so-"
"Calibrate her, dammit! But don't take off those ribbons... you pervert." Zaeed gave Garrus his best glare, which was rather intimidating with his mismatched eyes.
"Okay, I'll calibrate her. And I won't touch the ribbons. I just need to take a quick look with some of my tools, and I'll get her right back to you, okay?"
Zaeed eyed him warily, before finally nodding. "Okay."
"So, I'll just be a moment with Jessie. You wait for me in the starboard observation, you understand?"
He nodded. "I'll see you there as soon as you're done!" Zaeed then proceeded to march happily to the room, completely oblivious to the fact that Garrus would be unable to calibrate or do anything else with Jessie, since he was still holding her.
Garrus
This, Garrus decided, was some sort of deity's sick sense of humor. They train, the work, they do everything possible to beat all the odds and come out the victors against the collectors, not only winning but protecting everyone in the crew. Some higher power decided that as punishment for avoiding death, which said power had surely planned for them, it would get them in other ways. Sure, they weren't nearly as likely to die here. Garrus much preferred this to the near inevitability of doom the collector base had presented. But, if he had to put it in human terms, they were clearly still in hell, but just a lesser circle of it.
"There is no horse mounted cavalry in the alliance! Why would there be? Now I'm warning you for the last time, if you don't stop using the collector particle beam like that it's going to go off and then you'll never be able to comfortably ride a horse!"
The poor crewman reluctantly dismounted, after which Garrus went and locked it back in the armory. How did these people manage to get through so many locks anyway? Every time they tried to lock up supplies or lock the crew out of a room, they got through. Cerberus certainly must recruit only the best if they were all this capable even while this high. The crew had escaped from their quarters once before he got Grunt to stand guard and keep everyone in. Once they filled that up they were going to have to use one of the observation rooms. Legion would guard that one. It was a shame, though. It was nice have Legion to help him round up all these crazy humans.
"Okay, now if you're quite done with that, we're going to crew quarters."
"Excuse me, I need your pants!"
Garrus turned to see another man there, pointing to Garrus' legs. "I'm wearing armor, and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't give you my pants!"
"You can have mine!" the cavalry man said, happily removing his and tossing them to the pants man. Garrus saw he already had a lot of pants. One was surely Gardner's if the food stains were anything to go by, and he could also see Jacob and Kasumi's in the man's pile.
"Alright, you're both coming with me to-"
"The pants go marching one by one, hurrah! Hurrah! The pants go marching two by two hurrah! Hurrah!"
Garrus was about to chase after the pants man when he saw his current charge eyeing the weapons locker again. Priorities. This man was after weapons, the other man was after pants. The other man could wait.
"Okay, YOU are coming with me!" Garrus grabbed him by the collar and pulled him along towards the elevator. He had initially tried to be diplomatic with the crew, but no longer cared much. Now he only tried to be clever about it when it was obvious they could give him a hard time.
"Now, now, sergeant, there's no need to be so rough!"
"I'm not even going to ask why you think I'm a sergeant."
"It's because you're obviously not a mattress tester!" he said simply.
Garrus sighed. "Yes, I see now, your logic is inescapable. You've found me out."
"Got another one?" Grunt said as he approached.
"Yeah, you would not believe what he was trying to do with the particle beam."
Grunt just looked at him for a second.
"Okay, yes, with everything else going on you'd easily believe what he tried to do. Open the door."
EDI complied and the door slid open. They looked in to see five people trying to make a human pyramid. "Great, we need someone to top!"
"Dibs!" the newest addition to the room happily charged in. In the corner, Gardner sat staring at the ceiling. "There's so many! Fish sticks, cheese sticks, carrot sticks, celery sticks! Why all the sticks? It's got to be-"
The door closed again, cutting off whatever reason Gardner had for food sticks.
Grunt nodded. "Good luck."
"Thanks. I'll need it."
"HE'S COLLECTING THE PANTS! DON'T YOU GET IT! HE'S A COLLECTOR! HA HA HA HA!"
Garrus rubbed his forehead. "I think I hear my next catch. See you in a second."
Thane
"EDI, what's happening now?"
"Things are much the same as the last time you asked," the computer replied.
"Please, can you tell me anything?"
EDI was silent for a moment. "Most recently, Garrus cut off ship's communications with the 5th fleet. Crewman Robinson attempted to inform Admiral Hackett that Batarians had us surrounded."
"Oh dear. I hope Garrus was able to properly explain the threat wasn't real."
"It was likely not necessary, as the communication ended with the crewman informing Hackett that the Batarians were hiding in Garrus' fringes. It is doubtful Hackett took the threat seriously after that."
"I see."
"You should not feel guilty for your part in this situation. No one would have predicted that things would have gone this way."
Thane nodded. "Still, it is hard to believe that this level of chaos has resulted from... my body's reaction."
"Mordin is working on a cure. Both to return the crew to their normal state, as well as to allow you and the commander to enjoy each other's company without this happening in the future."
Thane nodded and paced around Shepard's quarters. He had rarely been up here. It felt like he was intruding, being here when Shepard was out. Especially when he found a picture of a man he assumed was Kaidan Alenko. He knew that rather than dwell on this he should simply sit down and meditate. Perhaps let his thoughts go over the time he and Shepard had shared together so far. But it was difficult knowing that the crew was suffering, and he was at fault.
He had seen Shepard begin to act strangely. And he had heard a cry of "for the haggis!" as he made his way towards the elevator, but other than that he had neither seen nor heard anything. All his information was from EDI and the other non-human members of the crew. It sounded as though Garrus had his hands full, and Samara had a few moments where she sounded quite desperate asking everyone if they had seen Jack.
"Has Shepard been told I'm in her quarters?"
"The commander is most likely unable to truly comprehend that at the moment. Last she was seen the commander was attempting to set fire to the men's restroom."
"Last she was seen?"
"Yes. Once the commander decided to escape there seemed little that anyone could do to stop her. Despite her condition she retains many of her skills."
"Has anyone been hurt?" Thane knew how dangerous Shepard could be on the battlefield. If she decided someone was her enemy while hallucinating they could end up dead very easily.
"Commander Shepard has yet to hurt anyone so far as we can determine."
Thane sighed. This was such a mess. He was just glad it had started after they had finished with the collectors. If the humans had been like this while they were inside the collector base there was no way they could have survived.
"The elevator is on its way up with another chemical Mordin believes will stop your current reaction," EDI announced.
Thane heard the door to Shepard's quarters open and looked over. There stood a crewman with no pants, and a large stripe shaved down the middle of his head. He must have gotten on board the elevator with Mordin's medication.
The man went immediately over to Shepard's fish tank. He made a strange face that Thane could only imagine was meant to be an imitation of a fish. His mouth opened and closed several times in a large o shape.
"Excuse me, but you're not supposed to be here right now."
The man turned slowly towards Thane, still making the fish face the whole time.
"You need to get back on the elevator and return to your quarters."
"The world needs me."
"Perhaps the world needs you in your quarters."
"No," the man now raised the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically. "My powers are useless there!"
"Your... powers?"
"Of course you wouldn't recognize me. I'm not in my superhero outfit right now."
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Of course you understand. It's one of my powers!" He put his hand on his hips and puffed out his chest. "I am the mighty Aquaman! Capable of breathing underwater and speaking with fish!"
Thane hesitated, unsure just where to begin. "How would that make me understand you?"
"My powers. Like I said, I can speak with fish! And you understand me." He nodded, sure his point was proved.
"I am no fish."
"Are those scales?" he pointed to Thane's chest. "Do you have weird eyes? Are you in a room with other fish?" he gestured to Shepard's fish tank. "I see no point in denying it. The fish are among us."
This was what Thane had done? Turned normally sensible men and women into... Aquaman? "Can't you see that you aren't making any sense? You're suffering from hallucinations."
"You'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you? And I suppose you're not a fan of Aquaman. No, no, it's all about Superman and Batman. And they'll take Wonder Woman and the Flash, but does anyone care about Aquaman saving the day? Nooooooo." He sighed. "It's always the same," he said, his lip beginning to quiver. "You put your heart and soul into saving the planet, day in and day out, and what happens? Your comics end up in some bargain bin, in some pathetic shop, being run by a salarian who's practically giving them away!" Thane watched as he began openly weeping, curling up into a fetal position. "No one cares about Aquaman!"
"Garrus, there's a human here you need to take care of."
"But you're a fish. You understand me. You can love me." He sat up and grabbed the hem of his shirt, and started to pull up. "Show me you love me."
"Garrus!" Thane yelled into his communicator. "Garrus!"
Epilogue: Onboard the Normandy
Shepard walked through the CIC slowly, looking around to see just how much damage had been done. There were some scorch marks on the walls, as well as bits of food and flecks of blue paint. The crew all looked down in embarrassment as she passed by. It was odd, really. Here they had spent so long working to fight the collectors, and now they had done so and been more successful than they ever could have hoped. And yet the entire crew wasn't likely to remember this for being the grand return from saving the galaxy, and more likely to remember it in terms of "that one time we try to forget where we thought we saw drunken square-dancing elcor in our own vomit".
"Commander," and young woman stepped up to Shepard. Shepard recognized the woman as navigator Renolds. She was a friend of Kasumi's who had recently confirmed that she was pregnant. "I know you... probably have a lot on your mind right now. And this can't seem terribly important. But... since the incident I can't seem to locate one of my personal possessions. I was thinking maybe you could keep an eye out for it? It's very important to me."
Shepard smiled kindly at the woman. "Of course. What is it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing actually. It's a stuffed otter named Miss Fluffles."
Shepard hesitated. She vaguely remembered Jack attempting to blow up a stuffed animal. "Um, sure. But, don't be surprised if we..." the woman looked so devastated. "...if it takes us a while to find it."
Navigator Renolds nodded, and went back to her station.
Shepard stepped up to the galaxy map. "Joker, report."
"Ma'am. The ship is in full working order now. Aria gave us a really good deal on ship repairs."
"She did?" That was very surprising.
"Yeah, she said it was worth it to be able to see the saviors of the galaxy in that state."
"Of course she did."
"We've already made reservations with an Alliance cleaning service based out of the citadel. Mordin and Tali are dismantling the Illusive Man's little communication room right now."
"Good. The crew's all okay with our resignation from Cerberus?"
"Yes, ma'am. No problems there." He cleared his throat. "We spent almost as much replenishing our medi-gel as we did repairing the ship. Most of the crew are uninjured. A few of us are still recovering from the recent events." Shepard imagined Joker was one of those. "It's actually pretty surprising that some of us are as well off as we are. No deaths, no permanent injuries, no irreplaceable equipment loss. Other than our dignity, it seems everything's intact."
Shepard nodded. "Very well. Set course for the Citadel."
"Aye, aye, ma'am." Joker said. "Oh! We've got an incoming transmission." Shepard braced herself for the worst. Admiral Hackett, or perhaps counselor Anderson? "It's from Liara."
"Oh," that couldn't be too bad. "Patch her through."
"Shepard," Liara's voice came in loud and clear. "How are you feeling?"
"Um, good. I guess."
"It seems you had an... interesting time."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Shepard, you know the position I'm in now. I've seen footage from your ship."
Shepard mentally slapped herself. Liara was the Shadow Broker now. Shepard had seen video from this very ship at Liara's base before. And Aria T'Loak and the Illusive Man knew about the situation. Of course the Shadow Broker would know. "I... see."
"I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"We're all fine, now. Thanks."
"That's good to hear. I'm going to do what I can to help keep this little incident secret. But I think you should know that most of Omega seems to be buzzing with news of what happened. You may only be able to hope that it all sounds too ridiculous for anyone to actually believe."
"How very comforting."
"Oh, there is one other thing."
"Yes?"
"I've been reviewing my tapes of your ship."
Shepard cringed again. "And?"
"And you'll find Miss Fluffles in engineering, behind Ken's terminal. It looks like she's just fine."
Shepard heard a triumphant whoop as a young woman ran to the elevator.
"Some things never change," Shepard chuckled.
Author: gravaja_umbros
Artist: vehlr
Genre: Humor, Parody
Ratings: Teen
Warnings: Language, minor sexual themes
Summary: Before attacking the collector base, Shepard and Thane shared an intimate evening. But now in the aftermath of the battle, something's happened and the humans in the crew are acting strangely. Now you've got tea parties happening next to magical girls and if you ever hope to win the prize you'd better beat that otter to it!
Author's note: This is my entry for the bioware big bang! Normally I go for a male Shepard, but once this idea showed up it had to be written. Many thanks to Elina Trevisan, my beta-reader, who also helped me come up with parts of this story, and to Vehlr, who has created an awesome fanmix based on this story! I should also note that this story references a lot of other things, and I do so lovingly. I'm not trying to pass off Weird Al or Azu-Manga Daioh or anything else I reference as my own. And anyone who can identify all the references I make in this story... well, I'll be very impressed with you. I hope you get a good laugh out of this story. I know I did writing it.
Prologue: The Morning After
Shepard groaned. She had such a headache. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to focus.
"Hey, you're awake! How are you feeling?"
"Garrus?" Shepard sat up and looked around. "Are we on Omega?"
"Yeah. How much do you remember?"
Shepard thought back. "I remember we went through the Omega-4 relay. We found the collector base. We saved the crew, and then destroyed that weird human reaper thing. I set the base to explode, and then we booked it back to the ship."
"Good so far," Garrus nodded. "And then what?"
"Then... I think I must've taken a nap or something. Had one cracked out dream."
Garrus' mandibles twitched. "Uh, try again."
"I wasn't asleep?" Garrus shook his head. "Then that makes no sense. My dream made no sense. It couldn't have been real. The world went all grey, and I remember screaming, and it smelled like sex and pie, but in a really bad way."
"Oh," Garrus looked down. "You remember that smell. That was Gardner."
"And the screaming?"
"There was a lot of that. Could've been Ken. Or anyone who got too close to Jack."
"And, the colors changing? Everything going grey and... depressing music."
"That was just you."
"I remember now, the music was being played by monkeys with accordions. And they kept singing about how no one loves me to the tune of ‘When the Saints Go Marching In' all barbershop quartet like!"
"Now that sounds absolutely fascinating!" a new voice said. "Honestly, here I thought you were all serious save the world types, but when you've finished with that you and your crew are a riot!"
Shepard grimaced and looked to the new voice. The asari who ran Omega was sitting nearby, looking extremely happy.
"Garrus, why didn't you warn me that Aria T'Loak was here."
"Wouldn't have mattered much. She, uh, saw a lot of what was happening."
"With me?"
"With the whole crew. Well, all the humans in the crew."
Shepard shook her head and prayed that she was going to wake up any moment. "And what did happen?"
"It was a biohazard of sorts. A chemical which causes hallucinations in humans ended up traveling through the entire ship through the vents in life support. All human crew were affected. We... isolated the source of the chemical, and Mordin got to work trying to find an antidote. We had Tali and EDI pilot the ship to Omega, it being the nearest place we could safely dock."
"How did this chemical get loose on the ship?"
"Oh, this is my favorite part," Aria chuckled.
"Ah, well. You see... drell naturally produce that chemical. Though usually not in so high a concentration. And usually they don't... excrete it. With the changes his system underwent, he was sweating this out, and it evaporated amazingly quickly, and from his room in life support the airborne chemical spread very quickly."
Shepard blushed intensely. "Are you saying that Thane caused this whole thing to happen?" Garrus nodded. "And, Thane's body did this because he... and I..."
"That's right," Aria said. "You poisoned your entire crew because you and your boy-toy couldn't keep it in your pants!"
"Where's Thane now?"
"He's still in your quarters on the Normandy. Mordin gave him something that stopped him from secreting the chemical, but the dose was a little high. He's sleeping it off."
"And... the rest of the crew?"
"Most of them are still crammed into crew's quarters on the Normandy. We, uh, finally decided to gas them all to put them to sleep until we had this resolved."
"Oh God," Shepard groaned again. "Is there anything else about this I should know?"
"Well, other than the fact that Aria now had plenty of material to blackmail you with should she feel the need, there's also what happened with The Illusive Man."
"Do I want to know?"
"Let's just say it's very obvious that we don't work for him anymore. Oh, and you'll probably need to apologize to Admiral Hackett."
"How the hell does Hackett know about this! What did I do to him?"
"Well, YOU didn't do anything to Hackett. But one of the crew... well, he was about ready to mobilize the 5th fleet."
"For a biohazard?"
"That's not what he was led to believe was happening."
Shepard lay back down. "I'm in hell. I just know it."
Shepard
"Well done, everyone! We got through that mission without losing a single crew member!" Shepard was marching happily through the ship. "The collector base is no more! That's one thing less those lousy Reapers will have to use against us when they show up."
"Yeah! This calls for a celebration!"
"Right you are!" Shepard agreed. "Celebration time!"
"Um, right who is?" Samara asked, looking around.
Shepard looked quizzically at Samara. "Whoever said ‘this calls for a celebration'."
Some of the other crew members looked at each other, puzzled. "I'm glad to see you're happy," Garrus said. "But I didn't hear anyone say that."
"Nonsense. Of course someone said that."
"Shepard-Commander, I can replay my audio logs," Legion offered helpfully. "You will find no such comment was made."
"Oh, really?" Shepard shrugged. "Well, it's a good idea anyway. Everyone head back to your quarters, get whatever rest you need, and in one hour's time we'll all meet up in the mess for a party!"
As everyone began heading to their rooms, Thane stayed behind. He made an effort to look like he was involved in something, and would be along shortly.
"Thane, are you waiting for me," Shepard asked coyly once everyone else had left. "You want to come to my quarters instead?"
"Hmm, while the offer is appreciated, I do have a few things I need to take care of. I... wish to compose a message to my son."
"Of course," Shepard nodded. "Still, did you want something?"
"I was wondering about that confusion earlier."
"What confusion?"
"When you heard something no one else did just a moment ago. I was wondering if perhaps... well, Mordin did warn about hallucinations."
"Oh, you'd think any of that would have worn off by now. And besides, we didn't have much contact orally." Shepard smiled at the memory. "But, what did you mean, about me hearing something no one else did?"
Now Thane looked worried. "You don't remember? You heard someone say something about a celebration. No one else heard it. Legion even offered to replay his audio records."
"Oh, right. Of course. Legion's audio records. Well, I'm sure it's nothing. Legion can listen to whatever he wants to." Shepard smiled up at Thane, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Anyway, would you care to join me in my quarters?"
Thane slipped out from her arms and took a step back. "I'm sorry, Siha. Something's clearly not right here. You're not making much sense. I recommend you see Mordin."
"Mordin? Why would I see him?" Shepard asked. "It's you I like. But if you're suggesting a threesome, I wouldn't pick Mordin as our third. No sex drive. Maybe Kasumi, though. She seems adventurous. Or Garrus. Are you into turians?"
"Si-" Thane's voice failed him. He seemed quite surprised by the direction this conversation was going. He swallowed, and tried again. "Siha, I'm going to go to my room now. Please, go talk to Mordin. I'm sure he'll have something to say."
"Okay, fine. But later, you're all mine!"
With that, Shepard started off towards her quarters. Once in the elevator, however, she had another thought, and instead went to the cargo bay. Shepard nodded to the crew who were cleaning up in there, and made her way to the Hammerhead.
"Ah! You're no Mako, but I like you!"
"Ma'am?" one of the crew approached Shepard. "Can I help you?"
"Nope. Just admiring the equipment."
"Yeah, it's just like old times, isn't it?"
Shepard turned to the voice. "Well if it isn't Ashley Williams!"
"Who are you talking to ma'am?" the crew member asked. Shepard ignored him. She had a friend to catch up with.
"You don't think I'd miss your moment of triumph, do you?"
"Course not, Ash! How long has it been though? I haven't seen you since you died on Virmire!"
"Yeah, I've been keeping pretty busy," Ash said. Shepard failed to notice anything odd about the conversation. "You know how it goes."
"Right, right. Congrats on those awards you got! First human to get those. What were they again? Some salarian and turian medals, weren't they?"
Ashley nodded. "Yeah, though I'm pretty sure they misquoted me."
"It happens to me all the time."
"I'm sure," she said sympathetically. "Hey, what do you say we go take the Mako for a joyride?"
Shepard looked over to the Hammerhead, then back to Ashley and grinned. "Let's do it," she giggled. Shepard did her best to look nonchalant as she made her way towards the cockpit of the Hammerhead.
"Ma'am, what are you doing?"
Apparently she wasn't that good at nonchalant at the moment. She frowned at the crewman. "Look, this is my ship. And that's my Mako," she pointed. "If we want to take her for a ride, we will."
"Mako?" the crewman asked. "Ma'am, that's not a Mako."
Shepard looked at the Hammerhead. She leaned her head forward and squinted, not that it helped her see it any better. "Hmm, you may be right."
"Look, maybe you should sit down. I radioed Chakwas, and she said she'd send Garrus to come get you. So maybe you should just sit down and relax."
"Relax?" Shepard gave this serious thought. Much more than it should have taken. "Relax," she said again, almost as if examining the word. "Re-lax." Shepard chuckled. "Is that when you lax again?"
The elevator opened nearby and got the attention of the two. "Oh, thank God you're here," the crewman said. "Something's... not right with her."
"Kaidan!" Shepard squealed. "Now I've got you and Ash together, we have to take the Mako for a ride!"
"Kaidan? The Mako? Ashley? Shepard, it's me, Garrus."
Shepard performed the same squinting examination on Garrus that she had on the Hammerhead. "Don't be silly," she finally declared. "I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite Kaidan on the Citadel." Shepard grabbed Garrus firmly by the arm. "Now, let's take that Mako ride!"
"Shepard, please, I'm not Kaidan. Come with me, and we'll let Chakwas and Mordin take a look at you."
"Only if you promise we can go for a ride later. And maybe later, something a little more intimate?" Shepard wiggled her eyebrows.
"Shepard, have you forgotten? You're with Thane now. And even if you weren't, I'm not Kaidan."
Shepard frowned. "I know. You're not Kaidan. And Ashley's dead." Shepard's mood was suddenly very different. "All my friends are leaving. I don't know anyone anymore. I don't know Kaidan." Shepard looked about ready to break into tears.
"Shepard, you still know Kaidan, but he's not here. Let's get you to Chakwas." He gently pulled Shepard toward the elevator.
"I don't know Chakwas either. Don't know anybody."
"Yes you do."
"I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO ATTEND MY FUNERAL!" Shepard finally broke down and fell to her knees, crying in the cargo bay. "Even I didn't like me enough to attend! I didn't see anyone there! No one loves me!"
Garrus patted Shepard awkwardly on the back. "That's not true. Lots of people were there. You just couldn't see them because... you were dead. But you got better, that's what's important."
Shepard looked up at Garrus like a lost puppy. "You really think so?"
"Of course I do." He couldn't believe the conversation he was having. "Now, let's stand up and get moving."
"Can you tell the monkeys to stop first?"
"Sure I, wait, what?" Garrus shook his head. "Never mind. Monkeys, please stop right now. Hey, you, can you help me get her into the elevator?" he asked the nearest crewman. The crewman tilted his head as he looked at Shepard. "Now!"
"She... she's pretty," he said slowly.
Garrus' eye's widened. That was not a normal reaction. Could whatever Shepard had be contagious? Could it be spreading that quick? Was he in danger?
"I... yes, the commander is. Could you help us get to the elevator? You can come too." It was probably best to bring anyone with this... whatever it was along.
"No, not the commander," he said. He looked around for a moment. "I mean the fairy behind the commander," he whispered, though it was a loud enough whisper that anyone could have heard.
"We'll, uh, bring the fairy with us. Come on, there are lots of fairies in med bay."
"Really?" Shepard asked, though she still looked depressed. "Can they make you fly?"
Garrus groaned. "Yes, the med bay is full of lots of pretty fairies that will let you fly. Let's go meet them, shall we? If we go now, they'll even give you chocolate," he said, naming the first human treat he could think of.
"Okay," Shepard nodded.
"I love chocolate!"
Tali
Tali checked on the situation in engineering briefly. She trusted Ken and Gabby to know what they were doing, but she wanted to make sure everything was running fine after the battle before she went to rest. She knew she had to be quick if she wanted to make Shepard's celebration in an hour.
A quick check showed that the damage the ship had received in the fight was under control, and the engines were working fine. She wouldn't want to have to face another collector ship in this condition, but it should get them back into civilized space just fine. After that, they could dock for repairs on Omega, or even make it to Illium if they didn't want to deal with shady businessmen on Omega.
Tali was about to head off for a quick nap, when she noticed that Ken wasn't at his console. "Gabby, where is Ken? Is he dealing with repairs elsewhere?"
Gabby looked up at Tali and just stared for a moment. Tali was about to ask what was wrong when Gabby spoke up. "Your eyes," she smiled. "They glow."
"Um, yes, they do. But where's-"
"That's because you're an angel."
Tali wasn't sure what to make of that. "I'm glad you think so, but-"
"Not like, ‘oh you're so nice, you're such an angel'. But you're the real thing. A real angel."
"Are you feeling alright? If you'd like to rest I could handle your duties for a while. We've all been through a lot of stress."
Gabby smiled. "Can I touch your wings?"
"My what?" Tali frowned. Her translator had to be broken. Maybe it was damaged during the fight in the collector base. Before she could give any more thought to this, Gabby reached behind her, grabbing at the air. She just held her hand there.
"So soft. All feathery."
Maybe it wasn't just a translator problem.
"Tali!" she heard Garrus' voice over her comm channel. "Tali, we need you to get up to the CIC, now!"
"What's the matter? If there's a problem, I should stay in engineering. Besides, Gabby is-"
"There's a problem alright. Get up there and check on Joker. If he's acting the least bit out of it, take over flying the ship from him! Once this thing starts it gets bad quick!"
"What thing?" Tali was running to the elevator as she spoke, the panic in Garrus' voice spurring her to act even when she didn't understand.
"This... ah, hell if I know what it is! But first Shepard was acting weird, then someone in the cargo bay, and now we get up to Chakwas' office and she won't let us in!"
"Doctor Chakwas won't let Shepard in?" Tali asked, and wished that the elevator would move faster.
"No! She growled at us! I'm going to take Shepard to- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING GARDNER!?"
"What's going on?"
"I just... it's... don't eat anything, okay. Gardner, stop that, let go!"
"Why, is this some food borne illness? Poison?"
"No, I don't think so. But... look, just don't eat the- I TOLD YOU TO STO-! NO, PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP!"
The elevator chose this moment to open to the CIC. Kelly Chambers turned quickly to look at Tali. "I'm at the CIC now, Garrus. I'll... leave you to whatever you're doing."
"Oh, Tali," Kelly smiled. "We don't see much of you up here. Of course, we never see as much of you as we'd like," she said, moving uncomfortably close to Tali. "You in that suit all day, you must be soooo lonely." Kelly reached out her hands, for places Tali did not feel comfortable to be reached at.
"I have to go, Kelly." Tali took a swift step back. "Garrus wants me to-"
"Oh, Garrus. Rawr," Kelly scratched at the air. "I wouldn't mind letting him know how I feel about aliens. How about you? Can I let you know how I... feeeeeeel." She was obviously trying to be seductive, but she seemed to come off more as drunk.
"I, uh, I don't think that's a good idea, just now. You should probably head to med bay." Tali only realized after she said it that med bay was currently occupied by a growling Dr. Chakwas who wasn't letting anyone in.
"I think I will. I'm sure Legion knows how to treat a lady," she giggled. Tali did her best to get the horrible mental pictures out of her head.
"Geth should never be thought of that way," she muttered to herself as she made her way to the cockpit.
EDI spoke up the moment she got there. "Miss Zorah, I think you need to relieve Jeff of his position immediately."
"Yes, I understand there's something happening to many of the crew."
"The human crew only. Garrus and Mordin are attempting to bring the situation under control, but they will need the help of all non-human crew."
"What seems to be wrong with Joker?"
"Nothing's wrong with me!" Joker said loudly. "I'm fine, geez!"
Tali shrugged, "he sounds alright to-"
"It's not my fault if this chair can do fun things!" To demonstrate his point, Joker began spinning his chair. "Heeheehee. Tali, now I see you," his chair turned away from her, "now I don't! Now I see you-"
"This is not Jeff's usual sense of humor," EDI said flatly.
"So I see."
Tali had been in all sorts of different situations before. Many strange, many difficult, and she faced them all head on. She was willing to do whatever it took to protect the Normandy and its crew. That being said, she was very thankful that she had been selected to pilot. Admittedly, right now EDI could probably handle it by herself, but she had been asked to be here and she was staying here as long as she could get away with it. She did her best to ignore all the other sounds around her. That wasn't her job. She needed to be focused on piloting so that they could get to Omega as soon as possible. It gave her the perfect excuse to say ‘no' when she was asked to go to Zaeed's quarters to stop the crew from trying to launch Miss Fluffles the stuffed otter out the garbage disposal. They managed to convince themselves that she was an evil alien who could only be killed by the vacuum of space. Tali could just sit here, pretending she was doing more than she really was, and let the rest of the chaos pass her by.
"Are you certain you don't wish to go to engineering to stop crewman Jonston?" EDI asked.
"He knows nothing about engineering. He's fine."
"But I am capable of handling things here for the moment. And he believes he has taken control of the ship and none of the other non-human crew are available to deal with him at the moment."
"And with his control he sings about some woman called Kathleen and how he'll ‘take her home again'. He's hardly a priority."
"He has managed to broadcast his singing to the rest of engineering."
"Still not a threat, or a priority in any way. It's fine. I can stay- AAAUGH!" Tali's head suddenly jerked back. She turned as best as she could to see a crew member grabbing her hood.
"This is pretty. I just know it'll work great with my drapes," the woman nodded happily.
"Garrus!" Tali called, trying to pull her hood out of the woman's hands. "Garrus!"
Mordin
"Very interesting indeed. Knew of chemical, advised against oral contact. Current events, unforeseen. May be the first human/drell couple. No other documented cases. Curious, as to why it took so long. Perhaps stress from suicide mission delayed body's reaction. Or perhaps simply slow acting. Merits further study."
"Yes, Mordin, but can you fix it?" Garrus asked.
"Fix it? Of course. Will take time. Suspect Thane still producing chemical. Shepard's room most isolated, have him wait there. Will let EDI monitor chemical levels, see when his body reverts to normal."
"Sure, I'll tell him to head up there now," Garrus nodded. "In the meantime, what do we do about all these crazy humans?"
Mordin shrugged nonchalantly. "Not my problem, need to work on cure. Suggest containing them to crew's quarters."
"The crew's quarters are meant to be used in shifts!" Garrus said. "To fit the entire crew in there... it's not possible!"
"True. Also could get destructive, that many hallucinating humans in one place. Nonetheless, not my problem. Need to focus. You deal with humans."
Garrus sighed. "Of course, my job."
"Garrus!" they heard a shout from the CIC. "Garrus!"
"Right, I'll get on that. You just deal with this quickly."
"Of course. Sloth could prove dangerous in this situation. Will work quickly."
Mordin brought up his omni-tool, examining the readings on it. "Fascinating. Would think it purposefully weaponized if didn't know better. Interesting potential, must keep in mind for later study." He moved over to some of his other equipment. "Potential solutions. Chemical blocker, keep hallucinogens from reaching brain. Chemical reaction to break down hallucinogen, render it harmless. Perhaps-"
"You have to be quiet! They'll find us!"
Mordin barely even looked up. As expected, a human had wandered into his lab. They weren't speaking to Mordin, but to a stuffed animal. A water-dwelling mustelid, if Mordin recognized the species correctly.
"You keep that up, and I'll make you regret it!" he said, pulling out a lighter and holding it near the toy. Even this didn't cause Mordin to worry. While much of his material would have highly adverse reactions to flame, such things were secured where the crewman would be unable to reach them. Even if he lit the toy, the ship's fire suppressant systems would deal with it before any lasting damage could be done to himself or his work.
"Ah! Look at that!" The man tossed the plush creature behind him and turned to fully face Mordin. Mordin ignored him and continued to work, hoping that would be enough to be left alone. "I've never seen anything like it before! You can just taste it! So juicy looking. And to think, we have just one on the whole fruit tree!"
Mordin was unsure whether the crewman believed him to be a fruit tree, or simply saw one in his direction.
"It's practically glowing! Must have a taste!" The man quickly reached out and grabbed Mordin's horn.
"Garrus! Can't work under these conditions! Must have solitude! Remove the human immediately! Garrus!"
Joker and Jack
"Don't know why Tali and EDI said I had to go," Joker mumbled to himself. "I was piloting just fine! We didn't crash into anything, and we were in 1st place!"
Joker was slowly working his way toward crew quarters, where Tali had insisted he go. He was almost to the elevator now.
"These guys just don't know a good pilot when they see one. Why, I'll bet I can make the Normandy go three times faster than normal! It'll be all... WHOOSH! Then everyone will be like, ‘wow!' Then I'll go, ‘that's nothing'. Then it'll be all WHOOSH again, but this time, it'll be, like, SUPER WHOOSH! I'll be like, ‘what did you guys think of that?' And they'll all go, ‘he's the best pilot ever! Aaaaaaaahhhh!'" he partially covered his mouth to imitate a crowd cheering. "Yeah, they won't know what hit them!"
He got on the elevator to see the SR-1 there. "Now, you were a great ship!"
"I'm not a ship," the SR-1 whispered in a woman's voice. "I'm hiding BEHIND the ship!" She moved the ship to the side and Joker saw that it was Jack, holding a model.
"Clever," he nodded his approval. "I fell for it. So who are you hiding from?"
"Grown-ups," Jack pouted.
Joker nodded in understanding. "I know just what you mean."
"Really?"
"Well," Joker thought about it. "Actually, no. I have no clue."
"Ah. That's all right then," Jack smiled. "Do you want me to tell you about it?"
Joker looked at her, then looked at the ship she was holding, then back to her. "Will you let me play with the ship?"
"Okay!"
"Then sure! Here, I know where we can go where nobody will find us!" He grabbed her hand and pulled her along towards the armory. She gave his hand a squeeze, and a loud crack was heard.
"What was that sound?"
"Nothing important, I'm sure," Joker said. Something in the back of his mind told him those cracks were indeed important and he needed to do something about that. "As if. This is more fun!"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Something in the back of my mind. It's a total killjoy."
"Sometimes I hear buzzing in my ears. Maybe that's my total killjoy humming!"
"That makes sense."
They now stood in the back of the armory, by the window where you could see the ship's core.
"Wow, that's pretty!" Jack said excitedly. "I can make pretty colors too!"
"Can I see?"
"Of course. You're my best friend after all."
With that Jack's biotics flared up and she smashed Joker into a wall. There were several loud snaps.
"Woah!" Joker said happily as he tried to stand again. "That was cool! All the pretty blue, and then the funny snapping noises too!"
"I think you made the snapping noises."
Joker looked down and saw he was bleeding from several places now. "First blue, now red. If they weren't down in the boxed canyon, we wouldn't need to be down in a boxed canyon either."
"What?"
"It's red! See!" he got some blood on her fingers to show her. "And we have a ship!" he picked up the model of the Normandy. "We need to put them together! Red ones go faster," he said very matter-of-factly.
"Um, sure. I'll make more red then!"
Joker had already begun ‘painting' the Normandy red, and looked up to see Jack's biotics flare up again. But at the last moment she was encased in a blue sphere and her biotics never reached him.
"Thank the Goddess I found you again," Samara said, looking at Jack.
"Aw, I hate grown-ups," she pouted.
Samara looked down at Joker, painting the model ship and ignoring his own obvious injuries. "Garrus, Joker needs medical attention immediately."
"Joker? Samara, weren't you supposed to be watching Jack?"
"She escaped me for a moment. I found her and Joker playing together."
Garrus groaned. "That would require medical attention. Okay, um, I'll be right there. I just need to slip past Chakwas and grab some medigel first."
"Understood."
"Just look at him go!" Joker said, zooming the ship around. "It's over nine thousand!"
Miranda
"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and gay! I... I don't know the rest of the words!"
Miranda sighed. "Honestly. West Side Story? That's the best you could come up with?"
"Yes," her reflection said. "What do you think the best musical theater is then?"
"Easy," she told her reflection. "Henry the Twentieth, William Shakespeare."
She snorted, now speaking as her reflection. "And you think I'm the idiot. Everyone knows it was Chaucer who wrote that one!"
"Regardless, you'll never find better music."
"Have you checked the couch cushions?"
"Hmm," Miranda thought long and hard about that. "You could be on to something there."
"That's because I'm the pretty one!"
"What!"
"Reflection is a pretty woman so she'll marry and get richer! Ah, I'm in my happy-"
With a loud smash Miranda now stared at the place where the mirror used to be. "That'll show her." Miranda took a few steps to stand in front of the neighboring mirror. "Now you, I think I can get along with."
"I don't blame you," the reflection replied. "I am much smarter and prettier than your last-"
Another smashing sound was heard in the bathroom. "They talked too much anyway."
Jacob and Kasumi
"Jacob. I must say, I wasn't expecting to hear from the Normandy again after what happened on the collector base." The illusive man took a long drag on his cigarette. "What do you want?"
"What do I want?" Jacob chuckled. "Well that's obvious. I'm after... the priiiiiize."
The illusive man sat silently for a moment, looking at Jacob's hologram. "Um, what are you talking about?"
"Oh, you know very well what I mean. Now you may have power and influence and money, but you'll never have... the priiiiiize."
"Jacob, have you been drinking?"
"Hmph. Drinking? You know what drinking does to you. It wrecks your body. You'll never win... the priiiiiize. But I will. Just take a look!" With that Jacob tossed off his shirt and posed, flexing his arms. "Oh yeah, I'm well on my way to-"
"The prize, I get it. Jacob, where is Shepard? Does she know you're here?"
"Shepard? Shepard doesn't want to talk to you. She's tired of... the liiiiiies."
The illusive man rubbed his head with his free hand. These communication devices were the best. State of the art. However, one activated automatically when its partner was used. This meant there was no way for the illusive man to shut it down.
"Jacob, please just- what are you doing?"
Jacob had now stripped completely naked, and was continuing to pose. "Yeah, you know you want some of this. I'll bet I'm giving you... a riiiiiise."
"No, Jacob, I assure you that you are not. If this is all you intend then I'll just be leaving." Even though he couldn't shut down the communicator, he could still leave the room.
"I can tell you all about the collectors."
The illusive man paused. "Very well."
"We met many collectors in their base. And one by one... he diiiiiies!"
"Oh God, you're stupid. I'm leaving now."
"You can't go! I mean just look at how big my muscles are. Just look at... the siiiiiize."
Jacob could no longer see a hologram of the illusive man. "Oh well, that doesn't mean I can't win... the priiiiiize. Got to get stronger!" Jacob sat down on the floor and began doing sit-ups. "I ate too much! Now I must work off my calories from... the piiiiiies."
At this moment Kasumi appeared in the room, her cloak shutting off, as she too began strip off all her clothes.
"Kasumi?" Jacob stared at her.
She looked up. "No, no. You can't see me. I'm being sneaky. So sneaky, my clothes can't even rustle. I'll be completely undetectable in every way."
"Oh. Sorry about that, I thought I did see you."
"No problem. That's an easy mistake to make."
"But now that you mention it you're right. You're so quiet I can hear the footfall of... the fliiiiiies."
Jacob kept working out for another ten minutes, his only interruption when another man came in to take their pants.
"Jacob," Kasumi whispered. "Hey, Jacob."
"Yeah?" he paused and looked around the room in confusion, as he obviously couldn't see Kasumi.
"I got an idea."
"Will it help me to win... the priiiiiize?"
"Yes. You see, you're working out too slowly."
"Too slowly?"
"Yes. But I know how you can fix that!"
"Great! Tell me!"
Garrus came by not long after that. He had been speaking with Mordin when he heard odd noises and poked his head in.
"Buh ba BA! Buh da da dum ba BA! BA BA BA BUM!" Kasumi was doing her best to make dramatic sounding music, while Jacob looked like his exercise routine was designed by a three year old with ADHD.
"Guys? What's up?"
"I'M IN A TRAINING MONTAGE! YEEEEAAAAAH!"
Garrus starred at them for a moment before seeing a crewmember attempting to access the weapons in the armory. That man was holding a plushy and threatening, "You don't squeal about us. We won't even let you pretend you're a stoolie."
"Well, have fun with that I suppose," Garrus said, leaving them for later.
Grunt
Grunt was asleep. Or at least that was what he hoped everyone would believe. He had stepped back into his tube and closed it behind him. It couldn't put him back in stasis, and now was basically just an expensive krogan-sized box. But even if he couldn't fool Garrus, or any of the non-humans, the humans would surely believe that he was sleeping here, if they noticed him at all. He wouldn't admit it, but he kind of liked the crew. And now they needed to be dealt with, but the only way he knew to deal with people was to kill them or fight them. That wasn't what these people needed. Besides, he had seen Jack. Who knew what would happen around that woman, especially now.
The door to the area opened and a human wandered in. Grunt focused on pretending to sleep, but peeked out through squinted eyes.
"Eh? Yes, yes, quite right," the man said to no one in particular. "Yes, Venat, it is very pretty. No one knows better than me. And- OH!" he gasped, looking at Grunt's tank. Grunt hoped he hadn't noticed that he was awake. "It's so big! I've never seen anything like it! So... much..." he leaned forward, his breath fogging the glass, "...ice-cream!" With that, the man began to lick the glass.
Grunt's eyes shot open, not able to even pretend sleep with this going on. "Garrus!" he shouted, while the man remained oblivious, still licking the glass. "Garrus!"
Gabby and Kelly
"My my, aren't you cute! So soft and huggable," the man picked up the plush otter from the floor in the galley and gave it a squeeze. "You're going to be my new friend!"
"Stop right there!"
"What?" he turned towards the voice.
"Threatening an innocent woman with your lewd ways is unforgivable! As a warrior of divine justice I simply cannot abide that! In the name of engineering I shall punish you! Lady Engineering, the pretty soldier of divine justice and mechanics, acts with grace!"
"And I cannot forgive you for getting lewd before I do! Mistress Dancer, the pretty soldier of fish feeding and romance, acts with elegance!"
The man stared at the two women before him. "Oh my," he said, looking at them, and then looking down. "You're wearing your shoes on the table."
Gabby, aka Lady Engineering, and Kelly, Mistress Dancer, were indeed standing on the table wearing their shoes, a fact which they looked a little sheepish about now.
"Yes, well, regardless of that, we shall purify you of your evil ways!" Gabby announced. "Now let the innocent go!"
"You can't have her!" he shouted. "She's mine, and her sister too!"
"Which one?" Kelly asked.
"All of them!"
"Yeah, well I'll take prisoner your best friend Jake!"
"Yeah, well me too! And, I'll take prisoner your dog Woofie!"
"Woofie you bitch!" Kelly screamed. "Well I'm also taking prisoner your pet goat!"
"That goat doesn't love you!"
"Mistress Dancer, I think you're getting carried away," Gabby said. "We're supposed to rescue prisoners, not take more."
"Oh, right." Kelly examined the hostage situation once more. "I have an idea. You give him a speech on the power of friendship, while I charge up my attack!"
"Right," Gabby nodded. "Don't you see, despite all your evil deeds, your friends still love you! It was only because they care that they tried to have you committed for crimes against humanity!"
"If that's true, then why did none of them ever help me hatch my escape plan?"
"Because they were all out shopping. But believe me, if they had known about the horrible experiments that the doctors performed, they wouldn't have left you alone! They would have been right there holding your hand as the doctor replaced your lower torso with that of a cat."
"How can I believe you when they never even told me I had a son!"
"But he wasn't really your son," Gabby cried. "He was an invader from another dimension who implanted himself in your uterus so he could use your ties to infiltrate the citadel counsel! But he never expected them to reject his application on account of being batshit crazy. So he had to keep pretending he was your son until he finished constructing his fleet of giant edible-"
"Mistress Dancer Style Leroy Jenkins Pattern Charge Attack of Mystical Justice for All Trials and Tribulations Patent Pending Bull Rush Patter GO!" Kelly attempted to tackle the man to the ground. However, she did so with her eyes closed, and instead ran straight into a wall.
"No!" the man shouted, dropping the plush otter. "She's too much for me! REFRESH!"
Ken
"I won't stand for it any longer!" Ken announced. "Too long have we suffered this unjustice! Too long have we labored while this disjustice hangs over us! Too long has this exjustice taken advantage of us! But no longer! We shall rejustice the hell out of this justice, until this nonjustice is seen as the simple prejustice it is in our post-prejustice justice! Who stands with me?"
No one stood with Ken. As a matter of fact, no one else was in the men's room as Ken gave his speech. But he was still sure it was an inspiring rally cry.
"Then let's do it! They can take our dignity, but they cannot take our haggis! For the haggis!"
Before leaving the men's room Ken looked himself over once more in the mirror. He was naked, with much of his body painted blue. He was sure that William Wallace would be proud to see Ken exhibiting the spirit of a nation thusly.
Ken charged out of the bathroom and towards Gardner's usual spot behind the counter. A brief glance showed him that Gardner was not there at the moment. However, he did see Samara, Jack, and Legion. Samara and Jack were engaged in a biotic struggle. Samara's face was serious, with a light sheen of sweat from concentration. Jack, however, was giggling. She was obviously tired as well, but seemed to be having the time of her life, and was watching the colors their clashing biotic fields made rather than her opponent.
"A geth!" Ken shouted. "I've found a geth, trying to infiltrate the ship! He'll not have our food if I've anything to say about it!" Ken charged directly at Samara. Before he could reach her, Legion had grabbed him and twisted his arm behind his back. "You can't silence the truth! She's a geth!"
"Donnelly-Engineer, Samara-Justicar is not geth. We are geth."
"Oh, you'd like me to think so, wouldn't you!"
"It should not be difficult to tell us apart. Samara-Justicar is clearly asari. We are clearly geth."
"You can't silence us like this! The blood of the Scotts runs through my veins! We Scotts were fighting the geth when the asari were still discovering fire!"
"That is quite impossible," Legion said. "While I realize it is pointless to argue with humans in your condition, the fact remains that at the time the asari were discovering fire there were no geth to speak of, nor Scotts." Legion began to lead Ken towards the crew quarters, where Grunt stood menacingly.
"No, you can't put me in there!" Ken looked around. He needed an escape route, but Legion's grip was just too tight. They were getting so close to the door now.
"He's probably the last that'll fit in here," Grunt said, opening the door.
That's when Ken saw it. The room was filled with people. Legion couldn't hold them all off. "Free cake to any who charges Legion!"
The crowd instantly lunged. Grunt held back most of them, pushing them back inside, but a few slipped between the cracks and tackled Ken's captor. Legion fell back, and Ken led his new rebel army to life support, grabbing a stuffed otter on the way. "Everyone stay back, or the hostage gets it!" he shouted at the hall before retreating inside and closing the door.
"So where's the cake?" one of the men asked.
"The cake was a lie, sorry about that."
Zaeed
"You look so pretty today, Jessie!" Zaeed said happily, pouring tea from his imaginary pot. "It's very nice to see you out and about. I know you have a weak constitution these days," he frowned sympathetically at the old rifle. It was wrapped up in bright pink ribbons and bows, though some of the bows looked a bit crumpled, as though they had been sat on at some point. "Oh, yes, it's simply dreadful. If only everyone could see it the way you and I do." At this remark Zaeed looked over to his other guns and rolled his eyes. "They're just jealous," he whispered to Jessie. "But they'll come around."
"Hey guys, look at what Kelly's doing on this screen!"
"Shut the hell up before I blow out your damn kneecaps!" Zaeed shouted. "We're trying to have a civilized conversation here!"
The man whimpered and ran from the room.
"I'm so very sorry about that, my dear. Some people can be so rude." Zaeed poured himself some imaginary tea. "Oh," he turned towards his Vindicator, "yes, he's very good at it. You may have a point." He sat there a moment, scratching his chin in thought. "What the hell are you doing you mother fuckers!" he shouted. This time no one was there in the first place, though he didn't seem to notice. "Damn kids, think they can get away with anything. And me with this headache." He turned once again to his guns, and seemed to be listening to them once again. "Alright, it's decided then, we'll go see him." With that, he carefully picked up Jessie and walked out.
Ten minutes later, Zaeed sat down in the main battery. "He's not here," Zaeed said sadly, sniffling quietly. "He's always here." He held out Jessie in front of him. "It's okay, girl. We'll work something out. You don't worry a single hair on your head about it. I know, we'll ask EDI about it. EDI?" he asked in a polite tone, turning towards the holographic display. "Please tell us where Garrus is."
"Garrus Vakarian is currently very busy. I recommend you wait for him in the starboard observation room."
"This can't wait. It's very important to my dear Jessie that we get this taken care of right away!"
EDI seemed to pause for a moment. "Perhaps another crew member could assist you. What is it that you require?"
Zaeed growled. "I require that damned turian, that's what I require!"
"Very well. Garrus is currently in life support, attempting to keep Engineer Donnelly away from Thane's weapons. Engineer Donnelly claims to have a hostage, though it is believed to simply be a plush toy."
"See now, that wasn't so hard was it?"
Zaeed set off towards life support, cradling his old rifle as though it were a baby and whispering incomprehensibly to it. Despite the simple route to get from the main battery to life support, Zaeed got lost three times. Twice he ended up in Miranda's office, and once he found himself being chased away from med bay by a snarling Dr. Chakwas. Finally he found himself standing in front of life support as Garrus sighed and relocked the door, which was covered in smears of blue paint.
"Oh, Zaeed," Garrus seemed to cringe, especially when he spotted the rifle in the old mercenary's hands.
"Garrus, I need a favor."
"Um, sure. But I'm really busy right now. But if you could just wait for me in the starboard-"
"But it's a matter of life and death!" Zaeed seemed to be tearing up, something Garrus had never seen happen before.
"Fine. What is it?"
"It's Jessie, here. She's not well you know."
Garrus looked at the old battered rifle, still wrapped in pink ribbons and bows. "Um, yes. So I see."
"But you're so good with weapons, I thought maybe you could take a look at her?"
"And I thought he'd be one of the violent ones," Garrus muttered under his breath. "Yeah, I'd love to. But it's really not a good time and so-"
"Calibrate her, dammit! But don't take off those ribbons... you pervert." Zaeed gave Garrus his best glare, which was rather intimidating with his mismatched eyes.
"Okay, I'll calibrate her. And I won't touch the ribbons. I just need to take a quick look with some of my tools, and I'll get her right back to you, okay?"
Zaeed eyed him warily, before finally nodding. "Okay."
"So, I'll just be a moment with Jessie. You wait for me in the starboard observation, you understand?"
He nodded. "I'll see you there as soon as you're done!" Zaeed then proceeded to march happily to the room, completely oblivious to the fact that Garrus would be unable to calibrate or do anything else with Jessie, since he was still holding her.
Garrus
This, Garrus decided, was some sort of deity's sick sense of humor. They train, the work, they do everything possible to beat all the odds and come out the victors against the collectors, not only winning but protecting everyone in the crew. Some higher power decided that as punishment for avoiding death, which said power had surely planned for them, it would get them in other ways. Sure, they weren't nearly as likely to die here. Garrus much preferred this to the near inevitability of doom the collector base had presented. But, if he had to put it in human terms, they were clearly still in hell, but just a lesser circle of it.
"There is no horse mounted cavalry in the alliance! Why would there be? Now I'm warning you for the last time, if you don't stop using the collector particle beam like that it's going to go off and then you'll never be able to comfortably ride a horse!"
The poor crewman reluctantly dismounted, after which Garrus went and locked it back in the armory. How did these people manage to get through so many locks anyway? Every time they tried to lock up supplies or lock the crew out of a room, they got through. Cerberus certainly must recruit only the best if they were all this capable even while this high. The crew had escaped from their quarters once before he got Grunt to stand guard and keep everyone in. Once they filled that up they were going to have to use one of the observation rooms. Legion would guard that one. It was a shame, though. It was nice have Legion to help him round up all these crazy humans.
"Okay, now if you're quite done with that, we're going to crew quarters."
"Excuse me, I need your pants!"
Garrus turned to see another man there, pointing to Garrus' legs. "I'm wearing armor, and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't give you my pants!"
"You can have mine!" the cavalry man said, happily removing his and tossing them to the pants man. Garrus saw he already had a lot of pants. One was surely Gardner's if the food stains were anything to go by, and he could also see Jacob and Kasumi's in the man's pile.
"Alright, you're both coming with me to-"
"The pants go marching one by one, hurrah! Hurrah! The pants go marching two by two hurrah! Hurrah!"
Garrus was about to chase after the pants man when he saw his current charge eyeing the weapons locker again. Priorities. This man was after weapons, the other man was after pants. The other man could wait.
"Okay, YOU are coming with me!" Garrus grabbed him by the collar and pulled him along towards the elevator. He had initially tried to be diplomatic with the crew, but no longer cared much. Now he only tried to be clever about it when it was obvious they could give him a hard time.
"Now, now, sergeant, there's no need to be so rough!"
"I'm not even going to ask why you think I'm a sergeant."
"It's because you're obviously not a mattress tester!" he said simply.
Garrus sighed. "Yes, I see now, your logic is inescapable. You've found me out."
"Got another one?" Grunt said as he approached.
"Yeah, you would not believe what he was trying to do with the particle beam."
Grunt just looked at him for a second.
"Okay, yes, with everything else going on you'd easily believe what he tried to do. Open the door."
EDI complied and the door slid open. They looked in to see five people trying to make a human pyramid. "Great, we need someone to top!"
"Dibs!" the newest addition to the room happily charged in. In the corner, Gardner sat staring at the ceiling. "There's so many! Fish sticks, cheese sticks, carrot sticks, celery sticks! Why all the sticks? It's got to be-"
The door closed again, cutting off whatever reason Gardner had for food sticks.
Grunt nodded. "Good luck."
"Thanks. I'll need it."
"HE'S COLLECTING THE PANTS! DON'T YOU GET IT! HE'S A COLLECTOR! HA HA HA HA!"
Garrus rubbed his forehead. "I think I hear my next catch. See you in a second."
Thane
"EDI, what's happening now?"
"Things are much the same as the last time you asked," the computer replied.
"Please, can you tell me anything?"
EDI was silent for a moment. "Most recently, Garrus cut off ship's communications with the 5th fleet. Crewman Robinson attempted to inform Admiral Hackett that Batarians had us surrounded."
"Oh dear. I hope Garrus was able to properly explain the threat wasn't real."
"It was likely not necessary, as the communication ended with the crewman informing Hackett that the Batarians were hiding in Garrus' fringes. It is doubtful Hackett took the threat seriously after that."
"I see."
"You should not feel guilty for your part in this situation. No one would have predicted that things would have gone this way."
Thane nodded. "Still, it is hard to believe that this level of chaos has resulted from... my body's reaction."
"Mordin is working on a cure. Both to return the crew to their normal state, as well as to allow you and the commander to enjoy each other's company without this happening in the future."
Thane nodded and paced around Shepard's quarters. He had rarely been up here. It felt like he was intruding, being here when Shepard was out. Especially when he found a picture of a man he assumed was Kaidan Alenko. He knew that rather than dwell on this he should simply sit down and meditate. Perhaps let his thoughts go over the time he and Shepard had shared together so far. But it was difficult knowing that the crew was suffering, and he was at fault.
He had seen Shepard begin to act strangely. And he had heard a cry of "for the haggis!" as he made his way towards the elevator, but other than that he had neither seen nor heard anything. All his information was from EDI and the other non-human members of the crew. It sounded as though Garrus had his hands full, and Samara had a few moments where she sounded quite desperate asking everyone if they had seen Jack.
"Has Shepard been told I'm in her quarters?"
"The commander is most likely unable to truly comprehend that at the moment. Last she was seen the commander was attempting to set fire to the men's restroom."
"Last she was seen?"
"Yes. Once the commander decided to escape there seemed little that anyone could do to stop her. Despite her condition she retains many of her skills."
"Has anyone been hurt?" Thane knew how dangerous Shepard could be on the battlefield. If she decided someone was her enemy while hallucinating they could end up dead very easily.
"Commander Shepard has yet to hurt anyone so far as we can determine."
Thane sighed. This was such a mess. He was just glad it had started after they had finished with the collectors. If the humans had been like this while they were inside the collector base there was no way they could have survived.
"The elevator is on its way up with another chemical Mordin believes will stop your current reaction," EDI announced.
Thane heard the door to Shepard's quarters open and looked over. There stood a crewman with no pants, and a large stripe shaved down the middle of his head. He must have gotten on board the elevator with Mordin's medication.
The man went immediately over to Shepard's fish tank. He made a strange face that Thane could only imagine was meant to be an imitation of a fish. His mouth opened and closed several times in a large o shape.
"Excuse me, but you're not supposed to be here right now."
The man turned slowly towards Thane, still making the fish face the whole time.
"You need to get back on the elevator and return to your quarters."
"The world needs me."
"Perhaps the world needs you in your quarters."
"No," the man now raised the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically. "My powers are useless there!"
"Your... powers?"
"Of course you wouldn't recognize me. I'm not in my superhero outfit right now."
"I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Of course you understand. It's one of my powers!" He put his hand on his hips and puffed out his chest. "I am the mighty Aquaman! Capable of breathing underwater and speaking with fish!"
Thane hesitated, unsure just where to begin. "How would that make me understand you?"
"My powers. Like I said, I can speak with fish! And you understand me." He nodded, sure his point was proved.
"I am no fish."
"Are those scales?" he pointed to Thane's chest. "Do you have weird eyes? Are you in a room with other fish?" he gestured to Shepard's fish tank. "I see no point in denying it. The fish are among us."
This was what Thane had done? Turned normally sensible men and women into... Aquaman? "Can't you see that you aren't making any sense? You're suffering from hallucinations."
"You'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you? And I suppose you're not a fan of Aquaman. No, no, it's all about Superman and Batman. And they'll take Wonder Woman and the Flash, but does anyone care about Aquaman saving the day? Nooooooo." He sighed. "It's always the same," he said, his lip beginning to quiver. "You put your heart and soul into saving the planet, day in and day out, and what happens? Your comics end up in some bargain bin, in some pathetic shop, being run by a salarian who's practically giving them away!" Thane watched as he began openly weeping, curling up into a fetal position. "No one cares about Aquaman!"
"Garrus, there's a human here you need to take care of."
"But you're a fish. You understand me. You can love me." He sat up and grabbed the hem of his shirt, and started to pull up. "Show me you love me."
"Garrus!" Thane yelled into his communicator. "Garrus!"
Epilogue: Onboard the Normandy
Shepard walked through the CIC slowly, looking around to see just how much damage had been done. There were some scorch marks on the walls, as well as bits of food and flecks of blue paint. The crew all looked down in embarrassment as she passed by. It was odd, really. Here they had spent so long working to fight the collectors, and now they had done so and been more successful than they ever could have hoped. And yet the entire crew wasn't likely to remember this for being the grand return from saving the galaxy, and more likely to remember it in terms of "that one time we try to forget where we thought we saw drunken square-dancing elcor in our own vomit".
"Commander," and young woman stepped up to Shepard. Shepard recognized the woman as navigator Renolds. She was a friend of Kasumi's who had recently confirmed that she was pregnant. "I know you... probably have a lot on your mind right now. And this can't seem terribly important. But... since the incident I can't seem to locate one of my personal possessions. I was thinking maybe you could keep an eye out for it? It's very important to me."
Shepard smiled kindly at the woman. "Of course. What is it?"
"Well, it's a little embarrassing actually. It's a stuffed otter named Miss Fluffles."
Shepard hesitated. She vaguely remembered Jack attempting to blow up a stuffed animal. "Um, sure. But, don't be surprised if we..." the woman looked so devastated. "...if it takes us a while to find it."
Navigator Renolds nodded, and went back to her station.
Shepard stepped up to the galaxy map. "Joker, report."
"Ma'am. The ship is in full working order now. Aria gave us a really good deal on ship repairs."
"She did?" That was very surprising.
"Yeah, she said it was worth it to be able to see the saviors of the galaxy in that state."
"Of course she did."
"We've already made reservations with an Alliance cleaning service based out of the citadel. Mordin and Tali are dismantling the Illusive Man's little communication room right now."
"Good. The crew's all okay with our resignation from Cerberus?"
"Yes, ma'am. No problems there." He cleared his throat. "We spent almost as much replenishing our medi-gel as we did repairing the ship. Most of the crew are uninjured. A few of us are still recovering from the recent events." Shepard imagined Joker was one of those. "It's actually pretty surprising that some of us are as well off as we are. No deaths, no permanent injuries, no irreplaceable equipment loss. Other than our dignity, it seems everything's intact."
Shepard nodded. "Very well. Set course for the Citadel."
"Aye, aye, ma'am." Joker said. "Oh! We've got an incoming transmission." Shepard braced herself for the worst. Admiral Hackett, or perhaps counselor Anderson? "It's from Liara."
"Oh," that couldn't be too bad. "Patch her through."
"Shepard," Liara's voice came in loud and clear. "How are you feeling?"
"Um, good. I guess."
"It seems you had an... interesting time."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Shepard, you know the position I'm in now. I've seen footage from your ship."
Shepard mentally slapped herself. Liara was the Shadow Broker now. Shepard had seen video from this very ship at Liara's base before. And Aria T'Loak and the Illusive Man knew about the situation. Of course the Shadow Broker would know. "I... see."
"I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"We're all fine, now. Thanks."
"That's good to hear. I'm going to do what I can to help keep this little incident secret. But I think you should know that most of Omega seems to be buzzing with news of what happened. You may only be able to hope that it all sounds too ridiculous for anyone to actually believe."
"How very comforting."
"Oh, there is one other thing."
"Yes?"
"I've been reviewing my tapes of your ship."
Shepard cringed again. "And?"
"And you'll find Miss Fluffles in engineering, behind Ken's terminal. It looks like she's just fine."
Shepard heard a triumphant whoop as a young woman ran to the elevator.
"Some things never change," Shepard chuckled.